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Not sure what my sexuality actually is

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by QuietPeace, Aug 27, 2020.

  1. QuietPeace

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    First off, I think that labels should just be used to inform people rather than define or limit ourselves or others.

    That said, I am not sure which label to use. For the past couple of years I have been saying that I am somewhere on the asexual spectrum. Mostly this was to let people know that I was not available sexually. In the past I have called myself a lesbian mainly it was to try to get men from hitting on me. I have had far less problems with women aggressively pursuing me.

    I have had sex in the past and if we were required to label ourselves by our past activities then I would be pansexual but my libido has seemed lower than the partners that I have had. An issue that I have had is that while I definitely want intimacy and close physical contact, I don't want sex unless it is within a strong meaningful relationship. So far in my life, every relationship that I have had has been with someone who was just using me or even abusive. This has led me to withhold the possibility of sex because I am tired of being used.

    What I really want is cuddling and intimacy but I cannot figure out how to find that. So many people that I have met were only interested in sex and would lie to get it, promising me the cuddling and intimacy that I am looking for and then not delivering after getting what THEY wanted. I am not certain that I have stayed on subject, I hope that this makes sense.
     
  2. silverhalo

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    I totally get what you are saying, I wouldn't say ive been in the same situation you are but I have never been interested in one night stands or friends with benefits.
    It can be difficult with labels but I think you can only go with what feels best for you. If you imagine living your life in the future, not just sex but everything, do you feel more drawn to either gender?
     
  3. QuietPeace

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    I am more drawn to women. With men it is rare to find one who I am attracted to and in fact I pretty much will only find a man attractive if we have gotten to know each other and he treats me like a person and not just a body part to be used as most men have treated me. With women even before we get to know each other I can often find them attractive, though this is not all women. With anyone the better they treat me the more I am drawn to them and in situations that I have been in when people mistreat me I start to find them more and more repellent.
     
  4. LostInDaydreams

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    Assuming they treated you well, would you be open to a relationship with any gender?

    I might be misinterpreting your posts, but it seems that the nature of the relationship is your priority, rather than the gender of the person, and that’s what you want to get across, or have I read it wrong?

    I completely understand not wanting casual sex. I’ve had some unpleasant experiences myself and I’d only want to be intimate with somebody when there was also an emotional connection.
     
  5. QuietPeace

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    @LostInDaydreams Assuming that the person treats me well, yes. I have had serious problems finding someone who is not an abuser, user or con artist though.

    You have interpreted correctly, I want someone who will be kind, caring and will cuddle.
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

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    My ex was abusive, so my therapist and I are going to do some work to make sure I don’t end up in similar relationship again, though at the moment, I’m not sure what that will entail. I believe some support organisations also offer programmes with the same goal. Have you ever tried therapy or anything along those lines?
     
    #6 LostInDaydreams, Aug 28, 2020
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2020
  7. QuietPeace

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    @LostInDaydreams I have been in therapy off and on since the 80s. I am currently waiting on a therapist to be available and start therapy again, I have been told it should be less than a month now. In the past five or so years many things have happened and I am becoming more self aware (at almost six decades old) so I think that this time I may be able to make more progress.
     
  8. silverhalo

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    Perhaps bisexual is best then or you could just go with not straight. Really it is whatever you feel most comfortable with. You are right to want someone who respects you, good for you.
     
  9. QuietPeace

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    @silverhalo Part of my problem is that being "anything"sexual seems to me to be encouraging people to think that they might have sex with me. For several years I have been calling myself asexual after a long time of calling myself a lesbian all to try to get men to stop hitting on me. Compulsory sexuality has been a problem in my life and I have been avoiding sex, including declining offers from both men and women (at least women have been less likely to get angry when I turned them down). The label that I have been experimenting with in the past six months or so is Panromantic and Selectively Sexual (emphasis on Selectively). I have had a lot of trouble with people pressuring me to be sexual, not just people who want to have sex with me but other people telling me that I need to have sex.
     
  10. LostInDaydreams

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    I hope that it starts sooner rather than later and that you do make progress. With the right therapist, it’s possible to make a lot of progress. :slight_smile:
     
    #10 LostInDaydreams, Aug 28, 2020
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  11. silverhalo

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    Yeah I get that. I cant say ive ever struggled with the same thing so not sure I have any great advice on that but perhaps (and this might be something you have already tried) it is better to own the sexuality that feels most right and just brush off the advances or offers of sex. Perhaps I am wrong but my worry with changing your description to change others behaviour is there is no guarantee it will work and you may confuse/discourage the people you actually want to attract.
     
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  12. QuietPeace

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    For years I would say that I was a lesbian. That only made men want to have threesomes with me and another woman or watch me with another woman.

    So far telling people that I do not want sex at all has resulted in less harassment (though it has not cut it down to none).

    For years I have said that I would be fine with not ever having sex just so long as I could find someone to cuddle with. Unfortunately I have not been able to find anyone who will do that. Strangely enough (and the reason that I am really searching for the right way to say it now), I have recently found someone that I think I might not mind having sex with afters years of actively avoiding it.

    I wonder if just continuing to say that I am asexual publicly to discourage casual pursuit but then if I find the rare person that I might be ok with (which may never happen again) then I could let them know that I am either Pan or Bi sexual.
     
  13. silverhalo

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    I think if that feels right in your mind then there is nothing wrong with that, there isnt really a right or wrong because only you know how you feel. Its sad that you get harassed like that, I hope that you find the right person to cuddle with. Cuddling is my favourite so I totally get where you are coming from.
     
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