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Not sure how to be gay?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by AvatarRoku, Sep 22, 2021.

  1. AvatarRoku

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    Just wanna put my thoughts out there hoping to gain some personal clarity.

    I started coming out the last few weeks and it went ok and have definitely started getting over the constant worrying side of things now and have told everyone I was worried about there reaction and had some great responses.

    however I hugely suppressed even the thought of being gay. So now it’s out in the open I’m kinda confused (not in that way) but I really don’t know who I am anymore. Because the last time I remember being this honest with who I was I was about 8. So who am I now? Am I back to being mental age of 8 :sweat_smile: or am I still the person I was before. I guess I’m just struggling to discern the parts of me that are real and genuine from those that were an act and me lying to myself.

    I feel like I have another huge part of my personality come back to life but not sure yet where it fits in with what I already thought I was.

    sorry for the deep chat there I just find writing in here helps me better understand how I’m feeling.
     
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  2. Rayland

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    Congratulations on coming out. I don’t remember if I have said it or not. Glad to hear it went okay and that you got some great responses. That’s an amazing achievement. I think you are still the person you were before. You just don’t have to suppress your feelings anymore and you have this kind of like freedom to be who you want to be. It probably takes time to adjust to it, because you were so used to suppressing your feelings.
     
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  3. QuietPeace

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    Congratulations. It is fantastic to hear about good responses when someone comes out. I agree with Rayland, you are still you.

    There is no "right" way to be gay. The only "requirement" is that you be attracted to your same sex/gender. People are varied, whether they are gay or straight. You can still like the things that you have always liked. It is also fine to explore new interests, anyone can regardless of their orientation.
     
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  4. AvatarRoku

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    Thanks everyone it’s much appreciated.

    I think it’s just a huge change. For the better I know but before coming out I was so suppressed that I literally couldn’t feel any emotion at all and was physically in capable of crying (drs were at a loss) now however it’s all starting to come back which is great and really freeing. But the last couple of years I have defined myself as someone who was so aware of themselves that they could control there emotions no matter what. But I think that was simply not true.

    but like you have all said perhaps it’s time to rediscover those aspects within who I already was and am.

    thank you very very much it’s definitely helped.
     
  5. PatrickUK

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    You would be surprised how many gay people struggle like this after coming out. We become so used to hiding and suppressing that part of ourselves that we don't know how to be fully authentic.

    My best advice would be to take your time. The mistake many people make is to come out and then launch straight onto apps seeking hook ups and dates in the hope they will 'discover' their true selves. That's not going to happen. When we've spent years living with the discomfort of who we are, we're not going to get in touch with our true selves or suddenly find comfort in serial dating and having lots of sex.

    There really is no right or wrong way to be gay. In actual fact, the only thing we have in common is attraction to members of the same sex. How we express and live out that attraction will vary from person to person. The core elements of who we are and what we like/favour don't change all that much, unless we are super impressionable and easily led.

    If you are experiencing a huge rush of emotion, don't be afraid to seek help for that. As nice as it is to have the weight lifted, it can also open floodgates that have been closed for a long time... but you won't need to regress to the mental age of 8. :slight_smile: Having said that, you may need to go back a bit to fully understand what it's all about.

    Be kind to yourself and take your time.
     
  6. AvatarRoku

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    Thank you. It’s so nice just to not hear that it’s just me that feels like this. I’ve been thinking about doing a meet up with other lgbt people as my next steps as other than on here I have no lgbt friends I can speak too so though it would be good (friends meet up btw)

    im quite an inpatient person and pride myself on solving my problems so I think your right I need to give myself a little bit more slack and time.

    I know I will get there and I really appreciate your support :blush:
     
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  7. out2019

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    I think its the part of us - our real selves we never let develop and constructed a false identity unconsciously. I have sometimes hear people say here it's a 'second adolescence' because if we were in denial we never learned for example, how to interact with men we might be interested in.

    I experience/experienced this too- I spent so much time constructing a false identity, which was also security, it's almost as if you have to reassess your relationship with everything, and rethink some of the rationalizes that helped maintain denial. I have found that as I come out more I am more vulnerable and not so 'ashamed' of being gay that I have to hide things that I think might be 'gay'.

    For example, someone who was in denial might have thought certain hobbies, dress, and manner of speech would all make him appear 'straight'.
     
  8. AvatarRoku

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    I can definitely associate with “second adolescent” that is really what it feels like. Perhaps as well that explains the feeling of regressing to a younger age.

    I do feel more vunrable too I’ve noticed it the last couple of weeks but put it down to the stress of the last few weeks. I’ve kinda enjoyed feeling again. I think I went so long without I kinda forgot what it was like. yeah definitely was ashamed before which is a horrible thing to admit not only to yourself but about others too but it’s true. It is getting easier to be proud about myself and others have totally changed. Always had huge respect for lgbt but gay men always made me uncomfortable and know I guess I know why.

    Oddly I was thinking about this persona today, talking to a random stranger I remembered that I always say I don’t get on as well with men (ironic) and I think it’s because I act more feminine than most men (not hugely but enough to notice) and I think it makes them uncomfortable. I always just put it down to connecting better with women.

    you have certainly given me lots to think about and I appreciate that. Thank you!
     
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  9. out2019

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    I had this too- I realize under denial everything was 'gray' - not interested in dating (women), and attributing it to me being a 'loner'


    I think this is because we are allowing ourselves to feel and really put our true selves forward - selves we have been hiding.
    It's feels a little scary but it's also feels very freeing.
     
  10. AvatarRoku

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    Yeah I felt I just was numb was the best word to describe it. I could associate with people’s emotions but not truly actually feel them. It’s strange having that sensation return.

    yeah your putting something out there to be judged on but it’s your true self which you care about rather than a fake image that doesn’t really matter if people like or not because it was never real.


    I never asked. How was your coming out???
     
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  11. quebec

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    AvatarRoku.....Your post reminded me of what happened to me after I came out. I came out here on Empty Closets in 2014 at the age of 64 when I finally accepted that I am and always have been gay. For the first year I had only the people here on EC to talk to and to learn about what being gay really meant. I learned a lot, but the application of that learning took time...it certainly wasn't overnight. Like you. I didn't exactly know who the "new" me was. For my whole life I had never felt like I actually belonged anywhere. Divorced parents, bad step-father, etc. had left me feeling that way. Then one day about three months after I came out...it hit me. I did belong! The wonderful LGBTQIA+ Family was my family! I did belong somewhere. That seems simple, but I just sat down and cried for a while. I had never felt like I belonged anywhere before. It's hard to tell you how I felt, but it was amazing! Then a few months later it hit me that, for the first time in my life, I was a member of a minority. I'm a CIS white male and that thought seriously hit me hard. I didn't know just how to feel about it. I'd never thought about what being a minority would feel like! But...I had my LGBTQIA+ Family to lean on, to depend on and it felt so good to know that I had others who would be there for me when I needed help. So what I'm saying to you is that you have a huge, wonderful LGBTQIA+ Family who will be there for you. There are over 90,000 members here on EC alone and we will always be there to help you when you need us...just ask!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  12. AvatarRoku

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    thank you so much David. I was just saying in another chat how amazing it was to find everyone on here who not only understood but wanted to all help each other. I’m proud to belong not only to the lgbt+ community but EC and all the wonderfully inspiring people on here!!
     
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  13. AvatarRoku

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    Well I know it’s a work in progress but I might need to figure it out quickly :joy: as that’s me posted it on Facebook that I’m gay.

    only hurdle left is telling the fam I’ve told everyone and then just figuring out who I am and I guess more importantly who I want to be.
     
  14. quebec

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    AvatarRoku.....Time will be on your side as you figure yourself out. You have no need to hurry and I think that you'll be surprised at how the "new" you will gradually come to be. Just relax and be who you naturally are and I think things will all work out!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  15. AvatarRoku

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    Had some most amazing response to being out publicly (not just friends and fam) but did have a bad one. A ex work colleague who definitely had a bit of a thing for me popped in today and was acting strange trying to be too nice and just wanted to leave. I feel really sorry for her because I know she wanted me to ask her out for a long while and I think she really sad and hurt as I did at times end up what could definitely be labelled as flirty.

    I hope she’s ok and comes around and isn’t too upset with me cause I still really want her as a friend.
     
  16. PatrickUK

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    Posting it on Facebook is a big thing, but it also allows you to come out to many people in one hit. The positive comments from friends and followers can act as a domino effect too, helping to persuade those who may have been on the fence to show acceptance. Well done on crossing the hurdle!

    Give your friend at work time. She will come around. Gay men can be the biggest flirts and people seem to understand that.
     
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  17. AvatarRoku

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    it was nice loads of people have asked saying are you worried about bad reactions from posting it. I was like nah even if they don’t approve they will just unfriend me. No big deal.

    true definitely one of the best things about being out you can be a lot more flirty with women and get away with it cause they know your only joking!!!