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Not sure but here it goes

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Dannytheshining, Sep 6, 2021.

  1. Dannytheshining

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    Hey there. I was told this was the correct section to post to. I am 32, married, second kid on the way. All of my fantasies involve being with with guy. My favorite part in porn is the beginning of a BJ. Since I was in college I have always wondered what that is like. The end of the scenes are also beautiful to me. My problem is am I really gay or is this just a phase in my head. I would hate to do something just because the grass is greener on the other side. Any advice?
     
  2. out2019

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    Well this is pretty telling. When you have sex with women do you have to imagine doing something else?

    It's possible something can just be a fantasy and people have fantasies they don't want or don't want to act out.. but based on the above, and based on my own history and the dozens of similar stories I have read here, it's probably not just in your head.
     
  3. Dannytheshining

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    The first time I ever had sex, I was wishing to find something to grab onto down there. I talked to my therapist and she said we should think it out.
     
  4. out2019

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  5. Dannytheshining

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    That is helpful. I was also able to say I amgay the other day. I got a big smile on my face
     
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  6. QuietPeace

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    From everything that you have posted I disagree that your problem is that it might be a phase. Your problem is that you cannot accept that you are attracted to men but are in a relationship with a woman.
     
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  7. Ingvermama

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    Hi,
    Could you be bisexual? I am married with children, in a straight relationship, but I like women too. I would love a same sex relationship as I know it would be amazing, just thinking about it makes me feel alive. My partner knows I am bi and accepts this is part of me.
     
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  8. Dannytheshining

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    Then I get pulled back to denial
    I agree with you there. I saw a scene with Mia Khalifa and it did nothing for me, until the guy showed up.
     
  9. I'm gay

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    Some gay people have difficulty in identifying their sexuality, attempting to parse the amount of arousal they have for women vs. men in various situations and scenarios. For others, identifying their sexual desires isn't necessarily the difficult part, instead they feel shame, guilt and fear about their sexuality, often leading to repression and denial. And for some there is some combination of these.

    For me, I think I always knew I was gay. I knew by puberty where my arousal was oriented. I was just ashamed of it, and so I repressed what I knew to be true in order to be the good (and normal) son I thought I was supposed to be. That led me to marriage and children.

    From your post, it sounds like perhaps you have always known?
     
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  10. Chip

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    I'm not hearing anything that would imply that you are straight or even bi. I'm hearing 100% attraction toward guys, and no real attraction toward women. If that's accurate, then you probably already know the answer.

    For what it's worth, there are plenty of folks (I am one) who were oblivious for years until something happened and it just sort of came into awareness.

    As for the issue of "phases"... they really don't exist, especially for years. A couple days or a week while one is questioning, maybe. Beyond that? Nah.
     
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  11. Dannytheshining

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    When it comes to porn I also love lesbian porn. Same gender porn is hot to me. The guys that I am attracted to are the model types. The one thing that stuck out that Iight be gay is loving the beginning of a BJ in a scene. I always wanted to know what that felt like
     
  12. I'm gay

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    It would seem like you already know your answer, but you keep going back and forth over this question of whether it's just a phase in your head or is it real. I see this as part of the bargaining we do to avoid accepting the truth. As long as you keep up this doubt, you still have some way to tell yourself that maybe you're not gay. And it keeps you from having to make a decision about your future.
     
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  13. Joolz66

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    Thanks for that second link @out2019, I found it useful, the examples given made me realise that I swing between all those stages of grief, denial, bargaining and acceptance in particular. Also gave me insight that other people will experience the same thing when I eventually tell them I’m gay. Made me realise too that I’m going to have to be tolerant of their reactions because they will not be where I am right now, and that’s taken 45 years. It’s very daunting to be honest.
     
  14. Contented

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    From your posts it seems pretty clear your gay. Fantasizing about sexual relations with another man is a pretty good indicator. Phases is just another way of saying you are working your way towards acknowledging your same sex attraction openly. This acknowledgment can be very difficult and take time which can seem like phases of acceptance. Avoiding the truth is not a viable option. I can assure you that gay will not just disappear one day. My experience has been once your same sex desire is out of the bottle it is impossible to re- cork it.
     
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  15. out2019

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    A lot of us had/have this problem when coming to terms, especially if you've been in denial or repression a long time.
    as @Chip says below:
    this probably comes up too - - if it does is it during 'low sex drive' times?
     
  16. Finch Reese

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    It is not really such a gay/straight binary. People often identify as fully straight but also fantasize about same-sex people/interactions. I would ask whether these fantasies have always been about men or recently. This may help you understand more about yourself. Your identity and sexual orientation is something that only you can decide, but from experience, the grass is almost never greener on the other side.
     
  17. eron

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    Also, in my experience, a clear indicator was not only fantasizing about sex with another man, but when the same sex fantasies shifted from the abstract to the specific. Rather than some conceived guy, the fantasies involved a guy at the gym I used to work out with and saw more than once in the showers - even though I knew he was straight. Another was about a good-looking neighbor. These more specific fantasies further validated my orientation as gay.
     
  18. Engdood1

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    Interesting. I have very specific fantasies about one of my friends all the time.
     
  19. justaguyinsf

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    I second this and would urge caution on your part before you break up your family to pursue sexual fantasies. Yes, it's great to understand and accept what turns you on, but you are not required to adopt a specific identity unless you want to do so. But divorcing can be very expensive and will have lifelong implications for your kids, and may find that the gay community isn't quite wat is represented to be in the popular media.
     
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  20. QuietPeace

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    I would put this very differently. Being gay is NOTHING like it is represented in popular media. Also that there is not really a things as a "gay community". Being LGBT+ is as or more diverse as being heteronormative is.

    I very much agree with this.

    I found not divorcing to be far more expensive and far worse than staying together would have been.