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not ready to leave marriage

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by moxie, Sep 3, 2021.

  1. moxie

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    I didn't know where to put this exactly. I've been coming to terms with being a lesbian, but I'm married to a man and not ready to come out or leave my marriage. I would really like to connect with others in the same situation (here, or if anyone knows of a group/support group) as it's a very lonely place to be. I really could use some support that is not trying to convince me I need to come out and/or leave my marriage.
     
  2. I'm gay

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    It's ok that you're not ready to come out or leave your marriage. This is a safe space for you to talk about how you are feeling, ask questions, and learn about yourself.

    Of course this site is called Empty Closets for a reason, though. We will likely encourage you to face your reality as you progress in your thinking, with perhaps the ultimate goal leading to coming out. That's not meant as pressure to come out, just encouragement for you to be mentally healthy and at peace with yourself, whatever that may look like to you.

    As for where you put this thread, this forum is a fine one, and perhaps the Later-in-Life section may be of interest to you as well.

    Good luck on your journey!
     
  3. quebec

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    moxie.....There's no rule that says you have to get a divorce if you come out. Although the majority of people who are married and then accept that they are not straight do get divorced. It's just that it's not automatic, not "required". :old_smile: Some couples do stay together. It depends a lot on the personality of both people. The most important thing when you find yourself in this position is communication. You haven't said if you've come out to your husband or not yet. How he responds to the news is quite important as it relates to the whether the marriage will last or not. Things are somewhat different now than they were even ten years ago as it relates to mixed-marriages. In the past there was very little chance that a couple in your situation would stay together, now things are a little bit different. I don't want to give you the idea that your husband will be just fine with a relationship involving three people or that he will accept "sharing" his wife with someone else. But you will never know until you have discussed it with him. You have also not mentioned if there are any children involved. Children will complicate the situation quite a bit. So again, it comes back to communication. No matter how hard it will be, at some point you will have to have the discussion with him before you can have any idea of what your next steps will be. Remember that you are a part of our wonderful LGBTQIA+ Family and that we do care! :old_big_grin: Please keep us updated on how this works out for you...we do want to help in any way that we can.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  4. Tikimon20

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    I hear you...I can't hurt my wife, but for many years I've had strong feelings for men. I came out to a friend recently and its helped so much. I'm just doing small steps and looking for support groups. I've hid this since I was a teenager and feel safe here, and hope you will, too.
     
  5. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @moxie

    I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. I found this situation to be very lonely too. I was with my (now ex) partner for three years (after I realised my sexuality) before I separated from him. Everyone gets to the point of being ready in their own time.

    What aspects of the situation are you struggling with?
     
  6. EddieWrite

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    Hi moxie. I’m in the same boat as you. I’ve been struggling with this for a few years now. I love my husband; he’s my best friend and a great guy. I count myself lucky in this regard, but it only makes the whole thing harder.
    As I mentioned, I’ve been struggling with this realization that I desire women for a couple of years now. When you say you feel lonely - I get it so much. It is such a lonely, sad and frustrating place to be. I did some research and found out about this site. I created an account in hopes of finding others who would understand and could offer support.
    Like you, I have no interest in anyone pushing me to come out and get a divorce (although I now feel myself a lot closer to wanting to come out than I did before - actually, I came out to my best friend about 2 months ago). I just want to talk to other people who get it.
    Best regards.
     
  7. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi and welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    I’m sorry that you’re in this position and you have come to right place. I have been in a similar situation to you - I stayed with my (now ex) partner for about three years after realising my sexuality - and I found EC to be incredibly supportive and helpful in that time.

    I hope that you also find the support you’re looking for here.
     
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