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Not planning to go home anymore. Just a rant.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by StartANewLifE, Jun 15, 2019.

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  1. StartANewLifE

    StartANewLifE
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    Around four years ago, I came out as gay to my mom. Being raised a Catholic, and in a slightly conservative family, she obviously wasn't alright with it at all. Though she kept what I told her between us. She never outed me to anyone in my family, but -- but she never did accept me. I was still in my last year in college then, so I had to put up with her sudden guilt-tripping towards me and holier than thou sermons when we're the only people left in the house. I was hurt, but I just brushed it off then cause I had to put up with her as I was still studying. Fast forward to 2017, I finally moved out of the house into the city and decided to live alone (sharing a room), through these past few years a lot had happened (my father died, my mom lost a local election, my little brother started college) - except for one thing, her acceptance of me. I know it is frustrating. Whenever I would come home for occasions, she would always find a time to talk to me and tell this and that, verses of the bible and stuff that I do not care anymore about. It's always like that, I am tired of it. I am sick of it. Sorry for people who are religious but I think it has a negative effect on my mom. I know I shouldn't ask for her acceptance right away, but it's already been four years, and yet she still adamant about her belief that she's imposing on me.
    I guess I'm just ranting here. Anyway, I'm just frustrated and hurt. And I can't deal with her anymore.

    The last time I was home was way back May 8, last month. And that was because of an important stuff I needed to do. Prior to that, most of the time I went home was not because of her, but because of things that I needed in that house that I need to brought over with me. All my personal records, passports, birth certificate etc. are already with me, and I'm not planning to be going home in a very long time. As long as I have a job in this city, and as long I can, I'll avoid going home anymore. It's just that lately, she would text me and ask me how I was, to which I always reply BUT there's this message I find it very hard to answer which is: "when are you coming home, I miss you."

    No. I'm not planning to go home anymore, Ma. I can't pretend anymore. I can't pretend straight in front of my family anymore, best be to leave them, that compromise who I am.

    Anyway, there's this funny thing, back in January, when my little brother and I had a dinner for his birthday (he was studying in a nearby city) he suddenly asked me this question:

    "I think you have a boyfriend. One of your friends."

    To which I just laughed off. Because there isn't any.

    "Don't worry I accept you." He said.

    In my mind I was thinking, "I hope mom does too."


    Sorry for the rant.
     
    #1 StartANewLifE, Jun 15, 2019
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the judgment from your mother. It definitely makes things difficult to want to spend time with her.

    Here's the thing: You're actually in a stronger position than you realize. It sounds like you're basically OK (though it isn't your preference) with not going home for a long while. And she wants you to come home.

    So you can directly address the issue: Tell her that you probably won't come home for a very long time, because you're really tired of getting lectured every time you come home. That you are the way you are, it isn't going to change no matter what she says or does, that it's the way you were born, and that her constant lectures and hassles are simply destroying your relationship, and will continue to make it worse. And that if she wants you to come home again, that she will have to agree to *never* try to lecture you or change you again, and that she needs to accept you as you are. If she agrees to that, I'd further reinforce the issue by saying that you want her to understand that the first time she starts in on any sort of lecture or disrespect, there won't be any discussion, you'll just simply pack up and leave.

    This will likely force her out of her denial (stages of loss: denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance) and may cause an angry response. But that's OK, because it means she's moving out of denial, and in the direction of acceptance.

    I'm pretty confident that she'll eventually come around, it's just going to take time.
     
    #2 Chip, Jun 15, 2019
    Drizzle likes this.
  3. Rin311

    Rin311
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    I agree with Chip that setting boundaries and letting her know that you don’t find her behavior acceptable is the key here.
    The good thing is that she wants a relationship with you. She might be willing to tone down the lecturing (which you are totally right in not putting up with) for the sake of that relationship. Good luck.
     
    #3 Rin311, Jun 16, 2019
  4. Loves books

    Loves books
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    You could try to use the Bible for your own purpose . Quote that line about judgment when she starts getting annoying. Also remind her the pope is cool with it and he’s one step down from god. I was raised Catholic but gave up believing in it years ago.
     
    #4 Loves books, Jun 16, 2019
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