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Not much progress

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Engdood1, Jan 13, 2022.

  1. Engdood1

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    I am writing this simply because one of the things that the wiser folks say in this forum is that it can help to post more often. I’ve made a couple of posts and the consensus is that it’s quite likely/very likely that I am gay. At one point I was talking to a guy on a dating site but I lost my nerve. I’ve been seeing a girl and having sex with her. I do like her but have struggled with the sex part. I’m not trying to deceive her, as I said, I do like her a lot but when we take our clothes off nothing happens. I have had to use some fantasy of her being a man to perform. I’m not proud of that. My masturbation times are still always about men. I’ve used Reddit to chat with guys too which sometimes gets quite explicit and dirty, which is fun. I still don’t FEEL gay and look at women when I’m out in public but all this evidence adds up. Anyway, I’m sorry to rant and be a downer, just thought it might help me to put something out there. Thanks.
     
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  2. out2019

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    You don't feel gay but:
    Does this sound like someone straight?
    or this?

    So you wanted to do it but lost your nerve, not your desire -does that sound like someone straight?
    Maybe this is the problem? Lets not start with 'proud' let's start with reality. If someone told you "I masturbate about guys all the time and can't get aroused with my girlfriend unless I imagine she's a man" - what advice would you give them?

    The title of your post is 'not much progress'. You list your sexual orientation as straight but curious. Why not start by changing that here? After all this is just an anonymous forum - and you can always change it back.
     
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  3. out2019

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    Just about every gay guy who came out later in life has some version of "I look at women in public" . Another common one was "Well, I like looking at women's butts".
    Women can be beautiful. There are a ton of gay fashion designers and gays in the fashion industry that are fascinated by beautiful women, but they aren't sexually attracted.
    But there could be other reasons for your behavior. I used it for years to justify that I was not gay. When I accepted myself, this behavior stopped and it became almost a chore. There is a phenomenon I have heard dozens of men say on this forum say: Once they accepted themselves desire for women rapidly faded.

    I still think women can be beautiful but I am no longer desperately trying to get aroused or hope one will come along that will some how arouse me. I have had beautiful girlfriends, I couldn't' get aroused and had to think about being with a guy.
     
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  4. Engdood1

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    This is true. I see women and think they are attractive but when it comes to the sex bit I’m not really interested. I can get an erection but it almost always goes away which is embarrassing. I’m relieved if they don’t want to have sex which I know should not be the case.

    I’m terms of being ‘out and about’, I was at an airport recently and was standing in line. A guy had sweatpants on and had a large bulge. Once I started looking I couldn’t stop and got a hard on while I was standing there.
     
  5. Engdood1

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    I know it might be that I am gay and should pursue men but for some reason it scares me.
     
  6. out2019

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    Take small steps - you can change your orientation here to gay - you can always change it back if you want. Try it out see how it feels.
     
  7. eron

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    My experience has been similar. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing proposition (i.e. rejecting everything about women to be authentic), however. Although seeing a woman's genitalia do nothing for me anymore.
     
    #7 eron, Jan 15, 2022
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2022
  8. Engdood1

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    I changed it and it did make me feel something. I like it. Thank you.
     
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  9. Contented

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    Frankly I think that idea scared a lot of us into inaction until the desire overwhelms us and are forced to confront our desires. It is drummed into our head from childhood the biased heteronormative programming that only a man and a woman are meant to be a sexual couple. It takes courage to admit and express that that paradigm doesn’t fit all of us. Many of us prefer men as both emotional and sexual partners exclusively and finally rebel against the cultural and religious bias towards heterosexuality.
     
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  10. out2019

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    Great! That's just a small taste of what acceptance feels like! You don't have to do big things. Just take small steps like that.
     
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  11. zgaynz

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    It takes time. I realised I was gay many years ago but only accepted it three years ago and like you, the signs kept adding up over the years until I really had no other choice. It didn't mean I had to tell anyone, I just had to stop fooling myself because it wasn't healthy or working for that matter. I didn't go from straight to accepting I was gay, that was a stretch too far for me. I went up the Kinsey scale instead. At first a two, then a three, then four and finally a five as I adjusted to what each step meant to me. Even though I am technically bisexual, I identify as gay because it's only men I see as sexual/romantic partners but every now and then, a woman might peg my sexual interest, but not very often these days. I haven't ruled out a six, it just may take quite a bit more time.
     
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  12. eron

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    My experience is similar. Although I always had same-sex attraction since teen years, I gradually progressed from "straight" to bi to now identifying as gay because only men peak my sexual interest and desires.
     
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