hey everyone. So last weekend was London Pride and I made an effort to go even though I was by myself. In the evening there was an all girl party that I also went to, I’d been wanting to go to one forever and finally built up the courage. Whilst it was a reasonably decent night, when I was there I completely felt like a fish out of water. It was like everyone was just so confident, the women were chatting and flirting with each other etc...but I felt like a total spare part. It was like I didn’t know the rules or wasn’t quite part of their club yet, and it really depressed me. I actually left the party feeling deflated and like maybe I’m not really gay after all. I mean, you hear stories about finally being surrounded by like minded people and feeling empowered whereas I felt the total opposite. It was like I kept on expecting someone to shout ‘fraud’ at me or something It’s strange though as, if I was in the same situation but with a big group of guys I know that I’d feel fine, I’d be able to chat and have a laugh with them and not feel uncomfortable at all but as it was women, I just felt totally intimidated. It’s got me questioning myself again as now I’m wondering why I feel much more at ease with men than with women?? Is it because that’s more natural for me and so I find it easy or is it because I don’t really care with guys?? Has anyone else ever felt like this??
Well done for going, I haven’t been that brave yet but I think I would probably feel the same. I think it’s because it’s still quite new and we haven’t known since we were teenagers so feel like we don’t belong or fit in. I’m hoping that the more people I meet, then this will get easier and I will start to feel like I fit in. Don’t let it put you off, keep putting yourself out there as you do belong.
Well done! That is SO brave, I don't know if I would ever be able to do that. Don't forget that you were already starting on a back footing by going to the party alone. The others probably went there with people and were feeling a lot more comfortable and relaxed to start with. Going to a party on your own without knowing ANYONE, is really quite a difficult situation for most people to be in, so don't be so hard on yourself. Just dust yourself off and be proud that you actually did it. Maybe going to smaller LGBT meet ups would be an easier place to start. It might now feel like a breeze after you jumped in at the deep end Also, I think feeling like you're not a 'proper gay' is very common feeling amongst most gay people, no matter how long they have known about their sexuality. I think it's actually a very common human experience, "impostor syndrome".
Hey. Thanks for both of your replies. Yeah you’re right about already being on the back foot by going alone. Also I don’t think it helped a lot of others had been out all day drinking and what not and I was stone cold sober. Not that you should need to have a drink obviously. I’ve been to a few other smaller meetups and they’re definitely better. I prefer one to one chats rather than big groups anyway. It was the feeling of not being ‘proper gay’ that bugged me the most. It was kind of like I didn’t have the right to Be there. I mean, I know that’s ridiculous really but that’s how it felt. I think ‘imposter syndrome’ is probably the best description for it. I’m just hoping that it’ll get easier with time maybe
"The imposter syndrome" -- that's it! I often wonder if all my thoughts and feelings about my non-conventional sexuality are just attempts to get a sense of belonging, and I'm just an imposter! @Dotwork ,it sounds like you're already figuring it out. I was going to suggest that you try setting a goal for yourself of having conversations with, say, three people. Then you'll have the satisfaction of achieving your goal, and you might actually connect with someone. My hat is off to you for putting yourself out there! =Sevn
@SevnButton That’s a really good idea about setting smaller goals. I think that’ll really help and like you said, hopefully I’ll have the satisfaction of achieving those goals and so won’t feel so deflated. I’m definitely going to try that. Thanks for the suggestion
Yep, it does go away the more you start meeting other LGBT people and creating better connections with them. I'm really glad that you found smaller meet ups where you feel more comfortable. Way in the future there will be a time that you will be the one with many LGBT friends and feeling comfortable. And then because you know how it feels when a new person comes in you will be there to welcome them in turn. Keep at it
To be honest, I still have difficulty fitting in at gay pride events and in gay pubs and clubs. I've been out of the closet 14 years. When I'm at work, I enjoy being the only gay member of staff. I work with one straight male colleague and the rest are all women, and we all have such a good laugh. I make all kinds of comments about guys that I fancy and have hooked up with, and my colleagues love how open I am. they are very supportive of me and they admire my candor. Just the weekend gone, I went to the nearest gay pride, and I felt totally invisible. There were gay people everywhere celebrating being gay, and I just got lost in this sea of gayness. I felt redundant and, like the OP put it, a spare part. I was just another face in the crowd. And it hit me that I don't really need a gay pride festival to celebrate my own sexuality - I show pride in myself every day when I'm at work going about my routine. Making jokes with my colleagues and brightening up their day just by being my cheeky fabulous self, and at times having more serious, deeper conversations about my struggles growing up and learning about who I am and the way I've been treated by people and my attitude towards romance and prejudices and other LGBT related issues. I don't need to go and watch a drag queen on stage to remind me how relevant I am and how important LGBT issues are. I do still go to pride events when I can, to show my support and make my contributions and donations. But I don't really engage with the gay community when I go there. Maybe I should try a bit harder to engage with more people, but it's not that easy because the music is so fricking loud and everyone is drunk and rowdy and horny and I can't just have a conversation with anyone like I do in a more quiet setting - that's just me. I'm not going to stop other gay people from having fun in their own way, and I even support their right to do that. It's just that I've found my own ways of accepting myself and feeling comfortable with who I am.
I relate SOOOOO much to your post. Same thing happened to me this year at a pride event. I also felt like appearance-wise, I looked totally different than anyone there. AND i went with like 5 people I knew and still felt that way. I think big crowds can be overwhelming. I was also reminded by a friend that not all bars/groups/spaces attract the same kind of people and maybe this wasn’t my kind of place, but I’ll definitely find it. Not two weeks after that, I went to a much smaller pride party that was significantly better. Still have a hard time understanding exactly how I fit in but I’ll share the advice I was given: go out to different queer spaces and keep surveying your surroundings until you find one where you think you might fit in. Organizations, pubs, clubs, meetups, you name it. Good thing is, if you’re in London (or close) you’re in a good place to explore all of this. That’s half the battle won!
Hey I don't know you, but I'm proud of you for going and sticking around awhile and hope you're proud of that too. You've done more than many including me and I think that's awesome! Can you determine what it was that made you feel like you didn't belong there? That's a big worry of mine too and I don't feel like I fit in the straight or gay world. For me I imagine the guys will mostly be younger than me, be dressed fashionably, have perfect hair/tans/bodies, many knowing each other, be more cultured and in the know about various topics and being kinda stuck up and they'd look down on me. This is just my imagination so maybe it's all wrong, but you were there so maybe can identify why you felt that way. Maybe some are your imagination like mine and some could be things you can work on. Anyway, you already got great advice here and you're doing great imho. Keep it up and take care!
Nicely put, @mnguy ! My imagination is that everyone else is confident and comfortable and I'm intruding on their party. The truth is, when I've found the courage to put myself out there and connect with other people in social situations, they usually seem to appreciate it because they are just as uncomfortable as I am.
@Nice Dave Thanks so much for your post. I find it interesting that even though you’ve been out for 14 years you still find it slightly uncomfortable when attending pride events and stuff. Maybe I’m the same as in it’s possible that going to events as big as pride just isn’t for me. Maybe i don’t need to do that?? I don’t know, it was my first one and so time will tell I guess @Soundofmusic I think your friend may have hit the nail on the head there. About not all bars/clubs/spaces attract the same people and it’s very possible that this was my problem. I’m kind of past the club scene these days, I’d choose a pub over a club all day long and while a lot of people was dancing and enjoying themselves I just wanted to hang out in the smoking area outside away from it all. Like I said in another post, I have been to other meet ups, smaller ones where you can chat and stuff and I much preferred it and felt wayyyyy More comfortable. I’m lucky that I’m very close to London and i do have the opportunity to explore different queer spaces and events. I think I’ll take your advice and spread my wings a bit more. Thank you.
@mnguy Thanks for saying you’re proud of me, that’s really sweet. Believe me, it wasn’t easy going and I think i came up with every excuse under the sun to give it a miss. But in the end I forced myself into it. Plus I’m a big believer in facing things that scare you head on, I think it takes away its power in some respect. I felt uncomfortable because it seemed like everyone else had a ‘right’ to be there whereas I felt like an outsider. Kind of like a fake really. I know that’s silly as no one knew me and I didn’t know anybody else and so it’s massively possible that others maybe felt that way too and they probably didn’t even notice me or even if they did, they most likely didn’t think anything at all. I’m sure it was my imagination and probably my own insecurities and fears that made me feel that way. All of the women just seemed so comfortable with themselves and confident, they had their own unique images, some were sporty, some femme, some more butch, some tomboy etc...and they all seemed to know and understand who they were. That’s the impression that they gave anyway. Whereas I felt like I just projected the look of a lost straight girl which made me feel like a fraud. Even writing that out makes me feel ridiculous, but maybe I felt that way because I’m not totally confident with myself and sexuality yet. I mean I did speak to a few people and no one questioned my sexuality. Why would they?? I was at all girl party with rainbow stripes painted down my arms on Pride day!! I think it was pretty safe to assume why I was there. But yet, i still felt like a fraud and that I didn’t belong. Like I wasn’t cool enough to be gay or have enough swag lol. To be honest, after thinking about this quite a lot, I think it boils down to confidence. I’m afraid of telling people about my past, that I only figured this shit out later on in life, and that I still struggle daily with it. I get embarrassed and think I’m going to be laughed at or judged. I need to work on just owning my story, everyone has one don’t they and if someone challenges it, well then they can just f**k off lol.
I'm not intending to discourage you from going to Pride, like I said I still want to support the cause. There is more to the LGBT community than just my opinion of it, as I don't want certain politicians and religious groups to succeed in taking away our rights that people have been fighting for, and I don't want young LGBT people to grow up surrounded by prejudices, so I do support the cause of diversity and equality, even though I don't always enjoy the way these Pride events are executed. It might be that you do end up having more fun at future Pride events that you go to. I do kind of feel that I have to drag myself to a gay pride event, but in some ways I feel quite lucky that I don't encounter homophobia on a regular basis. I live in a small town which has a very small LGBT population, and yet I've never been attacked about my sexuality, and when I tell straight people I'm gay they just accept it outright with no questions or judgement. So that reduces my "need" to go to Pride because I don't feel threatened because of my sexuality. But then there are people living in bigger towns and cities with a large gay population and they still put on their Pride festivals. But I have found a way to enjoy being a gay man without going to parades and watching drag queens, and that's important as well.
I don't really like get most things, people, or events that are very straight or very gay and lesbian. I tend to feel more at ease where people and things aren't as plug and play. For whatever reason, I get along with men better for some things and get along with women better for others. I wish that people could just have whatever tastes, interests, and mannerisms without having them criticized for being too heteronormative or too queer and, along with that, just have whatever sexual orientation they have at a particular place and time.
That's really well-said, @Tightrope ! It seems that as we try to understand ourselves and each other, we create all these different boxes, and we put labels on them and expect everyone to fit into one of the boxes. Then it's so unsettling when someone moves to a different box (just ask my wife! ). I think the only labels that matter are "respectful", "helpful" and "compassionate".
Hey I think there are a couple of different things going on here. Firstly it can be tough once you've figured out you are gay, certainly for me there was like an initial euphoria that I'd figured it out and then I kind of looked at the LGBT groups etc and I looked at myself and I was like.........hmm.........how do I be gay. So I can totally sympathise with that. As the others have said going to any kind of party in your own is tough, especially if everyone else seems to have been partying all day. I also think at least from what you had written you had built the whole going to pride and the girls only party up to be a big thing in your mind and the problem when you build something up to be so big in your mind it often struggle to live up to the hype even if you have a good time. Almost in your mind it was like if I can make it to this party it will solve all my issues kind of thing. Which is why you ended up feeling deflated. Try not to be too hard on yourself, just going you did an amazing job Andy you can definitely use this as a great foundation on which to build. You are just as gay as any other gay girl you just have to work on your confidence but you will get there before you know it.
