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Not feeling trans enough?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by shyguyegg, Apr 16, 2020.

  1. shyguyegg

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    Hey y'all, I've been wondering for a bit if I'm trans or not, and I need some advice. I'm just going to word-vomit and hopes someone's been through similar so we can talk.

    I'm AFAB, and I've never really cared ab my gender before. I come from a very very accepting household, not caring what I'm up to as long as it doesn't hurt me/anybody else, so I never really had pressures relating to my identity. Lately, though, I've just been feeling that I'd be much happier as a guy than a girl. Like if I had a button in front of me, and if pressed I'd change to the opposite gender with no transition time/any reproductions, I'd press it. But I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not right about this.

    - I asked my mom what she would've named me if I was a boy, and she said "Blue". I really really love that name, a lot more than my current one, "Katy". It just fits me, it doesn't have the feminine ring to it.
    -BOOBS SUCK. I hate them on me, and I want them OFF. I dream of the day I can have a flat chest. I wear big hoodies all the time to hide them. I've always been modest because of how "BAM" my body is
    -EXTREME anxiety related to my reproductive organs. I feel like they have no business doing there, like they've stolen the chance for the opposite to be there.
    -Overall it feels like my body has taken over the chance for a more masculine one to be there, almost like its how it was supposed to be. I hate looking at myself in the mirror because all I see is GIRL
    -I'm very jealous of FTM people who are going through transition
    - I feel AWESOME pretending to be male characters, like I belong in them (male fursonas, video game characters)
    - I feel okay wearing dresses, I LOVE lolita fashion, but I always put myself in the shoes of a female character when doing so (female fursona), I don't like the thought of MYSELF in them. I feel myself in my more "masc" self, and only comfortable in my own skin when I'm masculine.

    I dont want to be trans, I just want to be a dude.
    On top of that, I'm autistic, so big changes like this are always felt wrong, so idk if THATS the root of it or what.

    Thanks for reading :v:
     
  2. shyguyegg

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    I'd also like to mention that I made my orignally-male fursona into a FTM person, and it makes me feel much more connected to him, like a solidarity?
     
  3. Mihael

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    You could try social transition and see how it makes you feel? With clothing, name, masculine gender expression and all? There is the physical aspect of it but also the social part of it. For example, a woman who had breast cancer and has no breats is still a woman. That kind of thing.

    So far, you fantasise - make up characters, admire trans men in the media. That makes you a crossdresser, you could be trans, but transitioning full time differs very much from what you do now.

    Ah. I know. What gender do you feel like inside? If bodies and masculinity and femininity were not something that differs or matters, what would you identify as? Would you feel the need to mark your gender at all? What gender would it be? Male, female, non-binary or agender?

    And then there is the question if you can handle what it will mean. I get the feeling that being a man can be quite brutal and unforgiving, and very binary. So... you can try to approach being a guy gradually and if less than a full binary transition turns out to work, then fine. Jumping into full binary maleness like that might not be the best idea.
     
  4. shyguyegg

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    Thank you!
    Inside, I don't really know what I am.
    Do you think genderfluid could be a good place to start to try and figure it out?
     
  5. Mihael

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    Glad I could help :slight_smile:
    Yup, gender fluid could be a good plce to start.
    As for knowing who you are inside, it definitely can take a while and different experiences to figure it out.
    Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  6. ChescaC

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    Genderfluid is a great place to start out in a social transition. It'll give people a chance to adjust to the new normal of you.
    If you find you want to pursue further changes, having real life experience will always help with getting onto hormones.
    Sadly for other procedures, hormones are one of the only options, unless you're able to get a very good psych consult without them.
     
  7. Marble Jar

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    Just wanted to say hi because i'm also autistic and a trans guy, so i know what you mean about avoiding changes haha. Just take your time because it's hard to tell if you don't like something new or if you just don't like it to begin with because it's different. And Blue is a great name :slight_smile: