I want to medically transition, socially I'm slowly working on it too, however I worry that I'm not dysphoric enough for hrt? Or maybe I don't see the things I do struggle with as relating to gender or being dysphoria. How hard do you have to try and be content with your body before you resort to transition? I want my body to be as feminine as possible, I have on informed concent basis been prescribed eatrodot patches and started Friday and yet somehow I have a little last minute hesitation on whether or not it's okay...
There is no way to really measure objectively how dysphoric someone is nor is there a hard and fast "you are x dysphoric so HRT is right for you" even if an absolute measure could be created. Only you can determine if any level of transition is right for you regarding any or all of social, medical or surgical. How hard should you work before? I think that if it really is difficult to live as what you were declared that is enough to at least experiment. Given that patches are a low dose and slower way of doing HRT this should be a good way for you to see if you like the changes. Let it go for a while and see how you feel, if it ends up feeling wrong you can always just stop. The changes that happen early on will reverse on their own if you stop taking the estrogen. Good luck and I hope that you do eventually find out exactly what it is that you need.
Thank you for that. I guess insecurity is something I still have to sort out. I'm confident in my decision but sometimes a family member or the therapist says something and I get a little bit unsure and have to reevaluate if that changes anything for me. I'll take it as it comes for now then, after all the alternative was staying in the same place doing nothing but be certain and ask theoretical questions that I think only action could help me answer.
It's possible that you're so used to dysphoria that you don't actually know how dysphoric you actually are. Zinnia Jones has a good post on this
That was the case for me too. I didn't feel dysphoria per say, but my wellbeing improved so much with transition. I'm a much more outgoing person and don't feel blue so often any more. I feel calm and happy and I used to worry a lot about everything. I thought everyone felt this way. I don't mean to promote transition as a cure for everything, but the usual narrative is to look for very obvious and flashy signs of gender dyshoria, when in reality a lot of people don't have them. In perspective , I see that I was unhappy expressing myself in a feminine manner and having to present myself as female, there were so many things about it that I found inadequate, wrong, uncomfortable, not myself. It felt like an ill fitted piece of clothing. But there was nothing specific that I could get a grip on.
Weirdly enough, I'm starting to wonder if some of it doesn't only become more apparent once you've got the opposing or an alternative view on it. Like since I started till now I've suddenly got a dislike in my voice. My broad shoulders trouble me more objectively. I take note when someone calls me sir, dude, bro or by my given name etc. I get upset with myself when I'm too scared to go out dressed even casual fem because I'm worried that I'll just go back and get stuck again do now my presentation isn't just a matter of indifference but rather one of dislike. And I mean it's not like I didn't just wear jeans and a top before, it just wasn't very effeminate and accompanied by makeup etc. The issue is the good days, when the world seems okay and there's nothing wrong specifically and I don't hate the person I see in the mirror, almost as if all things bad should be 24/7 to feel real. As someone who also deals with depression I'm a are that there's an ebb and flow and that doesn't mean it's not there so it's illogical and yet... Someone I chatted to on another platform mentioned the same thing regarding several seemingly unrelated things lightening after transition came under way for them too. Strange. I'll see what comes of it. I'm somehow, without proof, certain I'm doing the right thing though and that it's just nervousness and fear that's bringing all this up.
