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Not coping well

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Auriculus, Mar 6, 2013.

  1. Auriculus

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    Hi. I have just joined the forum and don't know where to start or how safe this place is to be open. I don't want to start off by everyone thinking I am moaning or feeling sorry for myself, but the reason I took the plunge this evening is that i am feeling so bad and have run out of coping mechanisms. I have just come out of an emotionally abusive relationship with a younger man which my wife found out about last year and has stood by me despite the fact I cheated on her. I feel bad about that and now she and i feel bad about what has happened with this guy. See what I mean? She is amazing and we will always be best friends, but not lovers. I have always craved with a passion to be loved and to love another man. It is not primarily about sex, but something hard to explain to do with a deep yearning for an emotional tie with somebody of my own sex. I have got to the point in life where i don't believe I deserve to find real happiness and fulfillment. I feel guilty, selfish and yet incredibly sad. I guess i feel lonely, despite being very popular and in a high profile job and loved by my family. Am I so wrong to have these feelings and if so has anyone got any tips how I might overcome them? I am really not the suicidal type, but I am worn out to be honest and see no light ahead of me. Sorry to sound so maudlin. Thanks so much for bothering to read this.:help:
     
  2. campervankid

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    Hi, I've been using this site since Feb of this year and I'd say its totally safe to be open here an the support is amazing. Sorry to hear about all this stuff going on in your life right now so I'm just showing some support as I dont have much experience with relationships - sorry (*hug*)
    hope it gets better for you soon though!
     
  3. Ianthe

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    Hi, Welcome to Empty Closets!

    I'm sorry you're having a hard time. (*hug*)

    Most of us here don't need to be convinced that your interest in men is about real love and not just about sex--we know that first hand.

    Have you talked to your wife about how you feel, and how important it is to you to be able to have a relationship with a man?
     
  4. skiff

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    Hi,

    Welcome! Very open, very safe here.

    We may not love you yet (give us a day or two :slight_smile: ) but we are a friendly bunch and you will make friends here.

    Write what you are comfortable with and soon you will learn this is an excellent sounding board and super supportive place.

    Welcome. Glad to see you taking charge of your healing and happiness.

    ---------- Post added 6th Mar 2013 at 02:26 PM ----------

    We can recharge your batteries count on that. I see it all the time here.

    My advice... You cannot find happiness in the closet. You know that already. The question becomes are you ready to out? But here you are on EC so you have an answer to that to.

    You have a huge asset in your wife.

    Most coming outs at older ages are much easier in reality than we imagine them to be. You may be surprised.

    Stuck
     
  5. newgirl31

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    Welcome to EC! This is a safe space to totally be open and you will find much support! Many of us are going through self loathing trying to be what we think society is imposing on us, but others have found themselves in a wonderfully fulfilling, self aware and steady space that I admire and look to for positivity and strength.

    You deserve to be happy and wanting to find love and sex with someone you can connect with is not selfish...it is natural. (*hug*)
     
  6. SaleGayGuy

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    Hi Auriculus, welcome to EC

    In the 2 months I have been a member I have chatted and joined more discussions on this web site than I have done in the last 8 years on other sites, it’s a fantastic open, understanding, and non-judgemental place to be.

    I am a 53 year old guy married 25 years, no kids, and after some major life changing events starting to think at this late stage in life that I am gay. I had no idea I had any attraction to guys until my mid 40s so this has come as a shock to me. In just the last few months I have discovered over 30 other guys on here who are, or have been, married and have interesting stories many of whom have offered me support and encouragement.

    Sale Gay Guy
     
  7. Italy or Bust

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    Count me as another who is married and getting ready to bring my sexuality to the forefront. I am going through many of the same emotions. This board has been a life saver, truly. Welcome!
     
  8. mav96213

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    I know it's difficult, but don't let your emotions get the best of you. As far as understanding how you feel and what you are going through, this is the place where people "do understand" and share in your dilemma. Just to reassure you, you are NOT alone; take comfort that many, many others share in your struggles. Hang in there, it does get better....
     
  9. Rose27

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    I just read forum for a few weeks before I joined. Hugs
     
  10. Mango

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    Hi there Auriculus!

    If are aware of a coffee shop where gays usually hang out, you can meet some really nice people there sometimes. Also, there are usually some types of gay clubs, centers, or planned LGBT activities near major cities.

    You'll soon feel better...Most of us have experienced what you're feeling at some point in our lives.
     
  11. Kay

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    Auriculus it is nice to meet you. Welcome to EC as has been stated this is a fine place to meet and dialogue about your topic there are so many who come out later in life. I first applaud you and second hug you for comfort. Yes dear you are seeking one kind love. The intimacy of a same sex partner and the sex well if that happens it is a bonus. Yes you do deserve to find love and you will. Keep your head up and do all you can to search yourself. The more you accept the more you will be freed. Hugs and love angel we are with you.
     
  12. Gaysibling

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    Hi Auriculus, nice to meet you.

    I am really sorry to hear that you have been going through some tough times. I'm afraid I can't offer you any easy answers, but as other people have said, this is a safe place where you can express your feelings and talk about what is going on in your life without fear of being judged. My elder brother (yes, we're both gay) is going through some difficult changes at the moment... he and his wife ( who he is not out to yet) have been married nearly 30 years and have recently become grandparents for the first time. So, while I can't claim to know what you're going through, I certainly feel a lot of empathy for your situation. Sometimes realising that other people are in similar situations helps us to realise that we are not 'wrong' or 'bad', we are just normal, good people, caught in difficult circumstances. Take care.
     
  13. mav96213

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    Gaysibling,

    Thanks for sharing that, I'm sure it will help him. I believe more often than not, people start to believe that they are alone and "the only one" struggling with this particular issue... and they start to get really down on themselves. I think it's extremely helpful to know that they are not alone, that they are not this "weird duck", and others struggle with the same issues.

     
  14. LateRobert

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    Hey Guys,

    I have been married 24 years and have two kids, the youngest being 13 now. I know what it is like to have suicidal thoughts when I have been really depressed about my situation over the years (gay man married to a lovely woman). Sometimes the guilt has been so overwhelming I do not know how I managed to keep going. The thing that kept me from committing suicide was the kids - when I thought what I would be putting them through, and how the thought of their father committing suicide might be something they would never get over and they would have to deal with that the rest of their lives. For the man that does not have kids, just think how terrible your wife would feel that you would rather do that, than come out to her.

    I have a bit of a plan I am putting together, and I hope to tell my wife in the next couple months, to try to make it as easy on her as possible. It's been baby steps, but I am certainly heading in the right direction and getting more comfortable about my decision and the changes that are ahead for me.. It will definitely be hard, but I also know it will be for her benefit as much as mine... and I would love nothing more than to see her in a loving caring relationship.

    I have also realised that I deserve to be happy. We all do.
     
  15. PianoNate

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    I too have been in a similar situation (married for 15 years w/kids) and the crushing guilt you carry with you is something no one deserves. I felt like I was dealing with my guilt well, but after coming out, I find that heavy weight I carried with me almost dissolved. I'm sure that you'd tell the lovely women you've shared so much of yourself with that she deserves to find happiness and that you want that for her. Don't you think you deserve something similar?

    I had, and continue to, fight with feelings of inadequacy. As in, "if only I were different" or "if only I could be what she needed". I'm discovering that not only is that self-defeating ... but also a disservice to someone I care deeply about. She accepts me for who I am, shouldn't I try to do the same?

    Sorry for the lengthy post, but as you can see by everyone's comments ... YOU ARE NOT ALONE in your feelings! And EC is an amazing place filled with people giving back. Take advantage of us!
     
  16. SaleGayGuy

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    Hi LateRobert

    Sorry I missed your arrival on EC a belated welcome. You have come to the right place, I’ve been on here for the last 2 months and have come across over 30 guys in a very similar situation and have had great advice and support from them. Check out some of my postings and you will see who they are.

    Sale Gay Guy
     
  17. ormanout

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    I believe I've experienced many of those feelings and I am just wanting to encourage and support you, as you take these steps. Many of us got messages about loving others, but few of us got messages about accepting and loving ourselves. Eventually, it becomes a necessity and we go to work on it. Be patient and kind with yourself, as you go. Sending you thoughts and prayers for courage!
     
  18. June Cleaver

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    I really understand where you are comming from. My last relationship which lasted 4.5 years was with a abusive 9 year younger man. He was verbally, and emotionally abusive at all times and on occation physically. It really messed up my head and I went all the way but failed than God. I was sure I could do nothing right, and everything was my fault, I caused all things wrong, I was completely worthless, and nobody else would ever want me. My saving grace was my cousin Cheryl who reconized I was being abused. The funny thing was I could not see it except when he was violent which I thought I caused by saying or doing the wrong thing causing him to get that way. She went through it too once and the saving grace was that 2 of his childhood friends and his cousin are in love with me which made me question things. All 4 people shook me awake, and I got rid of him and one of the friends is my husband now. I also was dealing with my mid-life chrisis at the same time. I am unsure of your age, but maby you can relate and might be in the same place. In my case I understand the need to connect with a man. For me that connection is about stability, maby the word I am looking for is security. My husband makes me feel so safe and secure. The most when I am in his arms, and deffinently at all times in his presence. He is my rock I lean on. You just keep looking and he will come into your life. I would suggest to date closer to your age and screen guys you consider closer before you fall for them. Hope all goes well! June
     
    #18 June Cleaver, Mar 8, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2013
  19. CountessAbby

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    Well, there are several good things happening here. 1. your wife is loyal and devoted to you and she knows what happened. and 2. You know what your needs are. At this stage in your life you will have to decide what comes next. Divorce? open marriage? Can you still be her marriage partner and openly seek others? Have a nice long talk with her. Feel free to explore who you are and see how open she is to you doing this. Does she feel the need to end the marriage and just stay friends and let you move on? Everyone gets confused, everyone gets their heart broken and everyone deserves love. I have a 16 year old gay son and I have found everyone on here to be helpful and friendly. He will not let me tell dad/my husband so I am keeping a secret. But everyone here is very much in your corner and its great to bounce off ideas. I have gotten so much support and help, its been a real godsend for me. I cannot discuss my troubles with my partner/husband and its hard to look openly at computer sites etc when he doesnt know about my son. As you say, your wife is amazing despite the fact you cheated.Perhaps you will work better as friends. She obviously loves you. When you love people you tend to accept them as they are. You also want them to be happy and you put their happiness up in front of your own. You sound like you have a lot of guilt, yet she has forgiven you. Perhaps its time for you to forgive yourself?

    ---------- Post added 8th Mar 2013 at 12:25 PM ----------

    Lonely sad and guilty is no way to live your life. Be proactive. Decide what you need in your life and find a way to get it. Include your wife in your decisions. You may be able to find a way to go out searching for the love of your life while still remaining closely tied to your wife legally or otherwise. See what she wants to do. She is a big part of your life. Include her in your decisions, obviously after what she has found out, she knows you are having issues with your feelings. She has stuck by you but maybe she is hanging on to something that is no longer there. Sometimes we do hurt other people, its the nature of the beast.
     
  20. Auriculus

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    Thankyou all you beautiful people for taking the time to respond to my post. (&&&)It has warmed my heart no end. I am not used to receiving such words as it is usually be dishing them out to others by the nature of my work. It may take a little time to get used to being myself here and to being so welcomed and accepted, even though you dont yet know me. I hope that I can make some helpful and constructive contributions eventually to this community. I am sorry that I have taken this long to get back on the site, but I have been really struggling these last days and have never felt so close to wanting it all to simply end. I hope and pray that I have reached bottom (no pun intended) and can begin to rise up from what has and still is a very lonley place amongst the crowd. I always fear hurting somebody or upsetting somebody, especially those I care about. Maybe the trouble is I dont give the same gifty of care and love to myself. Thankyou all once again. I hope to make friends here and be useful and not just take. Peace and joy. David
    I have now added a mug shot to my profile lol:eusa_danc