Not at this age?

Guy, indeed we have kissed and made out " heaving petting" if you will. It has been fantastic and I want more for sure. The feeling of being in another man's arms is both foreign and familiar some how. It feels so right. I of course never realized how satisfying it could be. I have no doubt that our next step is a full sexual relationship. We are just taking it slow so I can feel comfortable. "Ted" has been gay his whole life and has been in other long term sexual relationships I have not been in any gay relationships until now. It's all new exciting territory for me. In some ways I feel like a teenager, and very unsure of myself sexually. I want it bad but I want it right , if that makes sense. Day by day I feel more and more gay, I like the feeling almost liberating in a sense.

 

Guy, I think wanting it to right means to me that it is not just sex or a hook up or a one night but something more. I know I am looking for a relationship.. I want the sex but I want the sensuality and romantic aspects of being involved with that person on more than just a sexual level. Is that odd?

 

Just another observation as I continue down the path of self discovery and towards my gay sexuality. I was at the gym yesterday and for the first time came to the realization that I am much more selective in the men I find attractive than I ever was when "straight". In the past if a woman was fairly good looking and in shape I was interested, or at least thought I was!. Not so with men now, I find no attraction to the super masculine types at the gym, could not imagine being with some of those muscle bound macho types, a complete turn-off.
I firmly believe that as I discover my true self I am drawn to the other side of the spectrum as I think more and more it reflects more of who I am. I am finding this "transition" to be much deeper and complete than I ever thought possible at this age. In many ways I am becoming a different person or so it seems!
I also told a good friend I was gay this week. She has been a friend of long standing as well as a professional colleague . She has always tried to fix me up with female friends of hers and have been bugging since she found out I had broken up with my girlfriend to meet her divorced girlfriend. I finally worked up the nerve to tell her that was dating someone and it was a guy. I think at first she was shocked, she asked me a number of questions but in the end I think she was happy for me. Hard to tell really but I guess time will judge.It did felt good to say it out loud. Only a start but I think the momentum is building quickly towards coming out completely.

 

Another step along the way to my gay life. I have been out of town on business this week and for the first time I decided to go to a gay bar. I had no intentions of anything other than seeing what is was like. To that point I had never been in one. For some reason I thought guys would be involved in wanton sex in every corner. For the record thatwas not the case. A lot of very intimate conversations to be sure. It was somewhat of a pleasant suprise to find a what turned out to be a sophisticated, subtle, somewhat younger environment. From the fixtures to furniture to the drinks, its vibe was classy and subdued. The partons were a mix of ages leaning towards the younger mid 20 to late 30s, or so it would seem. The mood was intimate and very adult. I had a nice conversation with a 20 something guy at the bar which he acutally started. Truth be told I did feel good that this younger, very good looking guy at least was interested in a conversation. I left the bar after about 2 hours feeling really good about deciding to drop in. I will say this the visit has prompted me to get even busier at the gym as most of the guys there no matter the age were pretty much in really good physical shape. I am not slouch in that department but compared to the guys I saw, I need some work along with a serious look at my wardrobe.

 

Highway, no skinny jeans for this guy! lol, Just a fashion update.

 

Its been a little while between posts as I have had what I consider to be two eventful weeks of late.
My relationship with "Ted" took a very significant step two weeks ago I am still assessing how this will effect my path towards living a openly gay life. I had been very apprehensive about any type of gay sexuality. I was caught between wanting to be sexually active enjoying the pleasures of intimacy with another man and yet feeling that somehow it was dirty, disgusting and just plain wrong. As my relationship continued to grow I knew that sexual relations were not far off. I was prepared however to find it wrong and unfulfilling and perhaps a sign that somehow I was not really gay, only going through some mid-life crisis of identity.
What I did find was that my first time with another man was clumsy, at times awkward and perhaps the most sexually fulfilling experience of my life. I find it hard to believe even now that I could have found that much pleasure in the arms of another man. Whatever inhibitions and hand up I might about gay sexuality have seemed to evaporate that night.Without exaggeration, I don't think I ever felt as connected to another human being as I did that night. Somehow it all just seemed right, very right. Any doubts about my sexuality disappeared the following morning. I woke up next to this fantastic man without any guilt, second guessing or doubts. I knew then I wanted to be with him physically, emotionally and intellectually. I had crossed whatever threshold men cross when they know in their hearts that they are 100% homosexual. I have been on a high for ten days as we settle into a real relationship. I told him in no uncertain terms I want very much to be his boyfriend and hopefully develop a lasting relationship. The major issue now is my coming out. Ted has made it clear while he will not pressure me in any way to come out before I am ready, he is not going to play any pretend games about our relationship.
This next step scares me more than anything I have faced. I am not so concerned about coming out in general but more specifically to my family. This is not going be easy nor I fear very pleasant for any of us.

 

Having passed the sexual intimacy threshold I am becoming more and more comfortable with my "new" sexuality. While we have decided not to live together at least for the near future ( coming out issues on my side) we have been spending most days together. Our relationship seems to grow each day. We are becoming more comfortable together and more and more we are acting like a couple. It is nothing we are doing intentionally it just is happening. Over the past few weeks I have never felt more engaged with someone, happy, romantically nor sexually satisfied. I keep wanting to pinch myself to assure me it is real! I still can't believe this feeling all comes from being with another man. Years of heterosexuality changed in a matter of 6 or 7 months. Years of looking at women as objects of sexual desire obliterated almost overnight( not quite but close) and being replaced by men or more truly a man, is astounding.
One negative is that I am starting to feel some bitterness and anger build within me regarding this only happening as I approach my 53 year. Some how I am feeling cheated out this wonderful change ( or acknowledgement) didn't happen when I was a younger man. I can't help but think what life might have been like. I am trying not to lament the past as I have a wonderful daughter whom I love to pieces but I still think what else might have been.
I have started to discuss this with my therapist as I want to avoid becoming some bitter older gay man bemoaning the past and whoa is me.

 

Its been a few days since I have had the chance to post on EC. I seem to be living at warp speed these days between my professional duties and my new relationship.
Without a doubt except for coming out my transition to a gay man I think is about complete. I am amazed at how quickly we have become a real couple. Still maintaining separate apartments but spending most days together now. While I admit we are still in our "honeymoon" phase of the relationship we are starting to identify and learn to cope with each others little idiosyncrasies. It makes it both fun and challenging at the same time as in any relationship. I can honestly say that I have never been as satisfied emotionally, intellectually and especially sexually as now. Being in a relationship with another man is much easier on every level. I don't feel the need to play any role, my traditional thoughts on gender roles is slowly going out the window. I am much more open sexually and enjoying intimacy more than I ever have. We are more romantic, sensual, erotic and willing to please than I have ever experienced. I realize sex isn't everything but it is second to what comes first! I feel like I have been let in a fantastic secret that only some know about.
This is not to say there are no issues. Of course there are. I am working with my therapist to help me understand how I could apparently have repressed my sexuality for so long. Why I suddenly feel the need to abandon more traditional male gender roles, and seem to be re-inventing myself on many levels. How after many years of heterosexuality I feel absolutely zero attraction to women, the idea of intimacy with a woman actually grosses me out now. I feel like I want to lie about ever having been hetero. This from someone who for most of his life was "straight" and into women. Finally help me get over the dread of coming out to my family. It seems strange to me that a 52 year old successfully professional is acting like a scared teen afraid to talk to his parents. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do. I also have the conflicting desire to want to be out and open about being gay and in a relationship with a wonderful guy. My saga continues, and despite the obstacles I am the happiest I have ever been.

 

Findingjoy, for me the loss of any attraction towards women has been incredibly liberating. It started slowly and developed rather quickly. I still find it odd that after all these years I am no longer interested in women in any sexual way whatsoever. I know for a fact that I could no longer be physical with a woman nor would I want to be and rather than being upset by this, I feel totally liberated. To me it was a validation of my underlying homosexuality. I find intimacy with a man to be so much more intense and satisfying. I am still in the early stages of re-discovering myself and the gay man inside however being able to abandon heterosexuality totally has helped me focus on become the real me. I hope the same for you as you travel down your path.

 

Another small step in my evolution to gay man occurred last week. I was traveling on business and at the end of the day stopped at the hotel bar for a happy hour cocktail. In the course of the hour or so I engaged in a pleasant conversation with a woman at the bar. We talked about the the problems of business travel, etc. Over two hours we certainly connected in a wide ranging conversation. We decide to have dinner at the hotel restaurant, as we both hated to eat alone. Afterwards over a cocktail she invited me to have a night cap in her room. For only the second time ever I was able to tell someone openly that I was gay. We said good bye shortly afterward. While I enjoyed the conversation and company I can honestly say I had zero attraction to her in anyway. As a matter of the fact as I left the bar I actually felt incredibly empowered to have told someone I was gay. I understand that this was safe for me as I was out of town but still it is a step in the right direction.

 

Just wanted to post and see if anyone going through this later if life transition has experienced any of what I am recently feeling.
All is going well with my relationship. We continue to discover more about each other and for the most part 99% of it is all good. For me I have never more satisfied emotionally, intellectually and sexually as I am now. I still find it hard to believe that being with a man has made such a fundamental change in how I view myself and the world. But every so often I seem to have this sense that I could somehow be feeling miserable after losing my interest in heterosexuality. I have absolutely no desire to be hetero again and the thought of intimacy with a woman is just repugnant to me yet I still guilt that I should be mourning this loss of interest. My therapist believes this is just part of the normal process of recovering from the deep felt shame instilled in me at homosexuality. Not sure as wondering if anyone left similar.
The other issue I am dealing with is my BF for lack of a better term is more "stereo-typically" gay ( not over the top) but you certainly would know he was gay if you met him. He actually toned it down when he was a consultant for our office, not to hide his sexuality but so as not to make anyone uncomfortable. Now that he is no longer confined by that he is back to his normal self. In another life I would have found his more out-front " gayness" a turn off however now I find it extremely attractive. I find myself starting to strip away some of my long held thoughts on masculinity. More and more I am becoming comfortable with a more feminine self. I don't mean to indicate here drag queens, etc, but I can honestly say I do feel different. Between the two of us we no longer have any traditional masculine roles either emotionally or sexually. I find that I am more and more comfortable with those lines disappearing. I am not sure where all this is headed but I am certainly becoming a different person and I seem to be at ease with it. My outlook on what male should be is changing dramatically. What I see myself as is changing very drastically also. Several people have remarked in passing that I have seemed to change. Any insight out there.