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nonbinary but still questioning my gender

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by figuringfr, Feb 27, 2021.

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  1. figuringfr

    figuringfr
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    hi everyone!
    this is my first post so im not quite sure how this works but im gonna try it out anyways. for the past few months i have been identifying as nonbinary, but even that doesnt feel right to me. ive been thinking about this constantly now for the past few weeks.
    i know for a fact that i am not comfortable in the gender that i was born in, but i also dont know if im comfortable with the idea of being the opposite gender either. when i see men around me i wish that i was them, i feel jealous.
    i dont want to come out as transgender to everyone that i love just for me to be wrong, but i hate living the way that i am now, with most people using she/her pronouns.
    when i tried to bring this up to someone close to me they mostly thought i was doing it for attention, so anything would help!
    thank you!
     
    #1 figuringfr, Feb 27, 2021
  2. QuietPeace

    QuietPeace
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    Welcome to EC.

    You do not have to come out specifically as Trans to ask people to respect your identity. If being called she/her does not feel right for you then go ahead and tell people that you do not like it. Experiment with other pronouns like they/them or maybe one of the other ones.

    As far as anyone who name calls you or "disses" you in any way for politely asking them to respect your identity, I would say that you are better off without them in your life.
     
    #2 QuietPeace, Feb 27, 2021
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2021
  3. figuringfr

    figuringfr
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    theres just such a big part of me that feels like if i dont have it figured out, i cant expect anyone else to listen. and i realize that i have to get over that, i just feel like i dont know who i am despite trying to figure it out for the past few months. :/
     
    #3 figuringfr, Feb 28, 2021
  4. QuietPeace

    QuietPeace
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    It is fine to take time, it is also fine to ask people to respect you while you are taking that time.

    As far as thinking that you should have this all figured out by now, I think that you are way ahead of the game. I was 23 before I started living as my true self, then it took me until my 40s to make it stick. As far as my orientation it took me into my late 50s to finally settle on it. Go ahead and explore and grow, one thing that will help is cultivating friends and associates who will be supportive and affirming. This is a good place to start with that.
     
    #4 QuietPeace, Feb 28, 2021
  5. figuringfr

    figuringfr
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    i
    i have friends that support me and have been trying their best to call me by the right name and pronouns. id love to meet new people that are going through or have gone through a similar thing. thank you so much for replying!
     
    #5 figuringfr, Feb 28, 2021
  6. K80outloud

    K80outloud
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    WOW! This struck a cord with me! I was a pretty odd duck kid, and any time I did things out of the ordinary or accepted, this is what people said to me. At home, at school, in public. Many people close to me. It hurts, and it's one of the main reasons that it's taken me into my 40s to accept my orientation and begin to live openly.

    In my experience, people say this for a variety of reasons. 1) They're afraid of what you're saying to them or the future, potential consequences of what your saying. With this one, they may love you but not know how to approach what you're saying. It still hurts but has potential to change. 2) They're not interested in putting in the work to understand what you're saying (could be just now and/or into the future). I've seen things turn around with this one, but it takes more time. 3) They don't respect you. If this is the case, I echo what QuietPeace said above. I start to question how much I want them in my life. That can be tough with family and close friends.

    You're worth respect.
     
    #6 K80outloud, Feb 28, 2021
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  7. figuringfr

    figuringfr
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    i never realized how awful it made me feel until one of my best friends said it to me. i’m slowly starting to learn that i refuse to settle or sell myself short to save my relationships with other people, if they cant accept me then there’s no reason for them to stick around. its just hard to realize how many people im probably going to have to push out of my life.
     
    #7 figuringfr, Mar 1, 2021
  8. K80outloud

    K80outloud
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    I get that. When you start looking closely, it can feel like there won’t be many people left. But.... there are people who love you and will support you through your process. You’ll have more time and energy for the life-affirming relationships, and they’ll blossom. Sounds like you have at least one bestie who’s got you. :slight_smile:
     
    #8 K80outloud, Mar 1, 2021
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