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Non Binary "Male" Dating A Non Binary "Female"

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Snidi, Mar 13, 2018.

  1. Snidi

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    Hi all,

    Non binary AMAB. Started dating a non binary AFAB. Trying to get based my potentially biased views. I've always internally felt like non binary AMAB's had it harder than non binary AFAB's. Largely because of trouble acting feminine, wearing dresses, etc. While girls often have no trouble acting pretty masculine and being accepted or even encouraged.

    However....I don't want my viewpoints to damage the relationship or undermine her struggle. Because she has feelings too and I'm sure her struggle was tough too. Perhaps she's had just as much difficulty in her life as I did. Perhaps I'm underestimating the struggle of non binary AFAB in general. But I don't want to "weigh out struggles on a scale of comparison". How can I best handle this situation?
     
    #1 Snidi, Mar 13, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2018
  2. Secrets5

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    Maybe discuss struggles as something to support each other with.
    Maybe do a weight chart of "who has it harder" - providing it can be in a 'fun' way that doesn't put you both down
     
  3. RavenTheRat

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    Well, now I used to think the same way, until I started transitioning; the main problem for AFABs trying to pass as male is you so often get mistaken for a lesbian or tomboy (I can’t wear flannel for that reason lol). On the other hand, yes it’s socially less unnaceptable than AMABs dressing femininely. Binding is more dangerous than wearing breastforms, hiding a bulge is probably harder than wearing a packer. There’s always a tit for every tat, each transitioning person has separate challenges.
     
  4. Aberrance

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    Why do you need to 'handle' the situation? What is it you want to happen? You're both identifying the same way and you're both going to experience different struggles. Honestly I can understand that someone AMAB transitioning is likely to be harder than someone AFAB regarding the social aspect but there should be no competitiveness of hardships in a relationship or its just waiting to crash and burn.
     
  5. Snidi

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    Handle it in the sense to ensure there's no conflict. What you said is what I'm trying to prevent- competitiveness of hardship.
     
  6. Aberrance

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    Fair enough, in that case I can only suggest complete openness and communication. If the communication and support between one another is there then you'll understand how each other are feeling about certain aspects, what you're finding difficult etc. and you can adapt to support each other as best you can. Hence no resentment or competitiveness towards one another. Just understand where each other are coming from and find an effective means of communication.
     
  7. KayNB

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    I think an important part to this is who is the one at risk of being competitive here? Is it you or your SO?

    If it's you, then the trick is to teach yourself to not try to one-up your SO. Find ways to be more mindful and train your brain to exclude those kinds of thoughts. I don't meditate but I think it's this kind of stuff that it can help with. And when I say try to stop, I don't mean just with this. If you're a competitive person then you need to get used to not feeling competitive with them. Or at least only always think of them on the same team. Which can be great... us vs the world is cute and romantical and things ♥

    If it's your SO, then I'd say the trick is simply to support them. If she has issues that often seem like they're one-upping your issues then rather than focusing on your own issues in contrast, focus on her's. Try to find ways that you can make her feel better and cheer her on for doing a great job with being sincere, expressive,and in integrity with the world. Really that's what many of us need is someone to be our cheerleader sometimes right? Someone to say "it doesn't matter if the world thinks you're a weirdo, I think you're beautiful"...

    Good luck with your relationship! I reeeeeeeeeeally hope it works out :slight_smile:
     
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