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Nobody seems interested in me

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by lastking, Feb 25, 2019.

  1. lastking

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    I'm having a real hard time finding people who are interested in me whether it's for dating or friendships.

    I've tried dating apps and a few instances meeting people outside apps and it seems that conversations are either forced, one-sided, or the person just want to talk about themselves.

    Scenario #1 -
    Me - How's your Sunday going?
    Other person - Good
    Me - Did you do anything fun this weekend?
    Other person - Just chilled

    Scenario #2 -
    Me - I like your profile. I love horror movies too, any good movies out?
    Other person - XYZ
    Me - I loved XYZ, especially that cliffhanger scene, I'm still shocked
    Other person - Nice

    Overall, it feels like I'm forcing people to talk to me. I try to show interest in others and ask open-ended questions and but they make no effort to ask me any questions, or learn about my interests.

    This seems to be the case with nearly all my conversations (even if we have mutual interests) and I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong or how I can get people to be interested in me.

    Any advice?
     
  2. Destin

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    You're not doing anything wrong, this is just how the dating apps are for everyone mostly.
     
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  3. Phoenix90

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    What you're going through is completely normal. 2 strangers meeting on dating apps or in person don't really have a lot in common to talk about off hand. Neutral topics like politics, the weather and TV/movies is a good way to break the ice and get to know common stuff. You're on the right track, just be patient to try to get to know people.
     
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  4. Devil Dave

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    Lots of people go on apps to talk about sex and arrange hookups. I find that even if I try talking to them about a mutual interest, they don't really pipe up until I say something sexual to them. So I end up using sex talk to "humor" them and sometimes it encourages them to open up about other conversations.

    Another reason apps are not ideal for friendship is that a lot of people just don't like online chat. I enjoy chatting online, which is why I come on here regularly to share my thoughts, but a lot of people just don't seem to function that way. Maybe they just don't feel comfortable sharing stuff in messages or maybe they find it difficult to express themselves in a non-physical conversation, or maybe they have a short attention span, maybe they hate reading and writing, or maybe they just prefer someone to make the decision and say "let's meet up at this time and place" rather than taking a bit of time to get to know each other before hand, it could be lots of reasons.
     
    #4 Devil Dave, Feb 26, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2019
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  5. eron

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    I think a big part of the challenge is that the primary premise of many apps is a sexual encounter, and without that premise there's not much to begin a conversation. I always make clear that I'm not looking for a quickie hookup and prefer some comfort level before even considering a meeting. What I've discovered is you either move to an off-sex topic or the conversation ends very quickly, which is fine. Also, some of the folks I've met on-line seem socially inept or at least challenged. They likely have not mastered the art of "small talk" - which, at least in my opinion, is an important social skill - on line or elsewhere.
     
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  6. smurf

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    Trying to get people to like you or be interested in you is the worst thing that you can do. It makes your interactions be about them and not about you and its a game that you cannot win.

    What I think you should do is find the people that YOU find interesting. Who do you want to meet? What type of people do you want to connect with?

    Instead of saying "Wow, they won't even talk to me. I must be super boring" say "Wow, these guys are super boring. Let talk to someone else". Find other people like you who enjoy talking and sharing their interest. Not everyone likes that and that is okay, so just focus on talking to the right people that you ENJOY talking to. This also applies to situations in person by the way. We aren't meant to click with every single person.

    So figure out what you like about other people. From the post, it seems like you enjoy when people share their interests with you. When someone doesn't like to do that, just move on and don't take it personally.

    Its also 100% harder to make friendly connections on apps mostly because people are in different mind sets when they are on there. Some people are horny and have no time for small talk, other people are there out of boredom which makes for horrible conversations, some people are there because they are trying to deal with their sexuality, etc. So its hard.

    If you are in a place where you can't go outside of apps yet, then make your profile scream what you want in others. Allow for other people who want friends to find you.
     
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  7. Dionysios

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    Sadly, letter writing is something of a lost art. Many folks are used to quick text messages and emojiis. One cannot really learn much about a person though such cyrptic little messages. Some people today are incapable now of writing.

    I endorse the idea of asking to meet people. At least then you can size up people through an actual conversation.
     
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  8. lastking

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    Thank you Smurf, I found your comment very insightful.

    I appreciate everyone's feedback. I agree with most that it's probably best to take meaningful conversations off dating apps.
     
  9. Rade

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    I partly blame social media. People seem to lose the ability to talk to each other. Apps are generally a waste of time. Both the guys I met had poor communication skills. If I had met them down the pub as we say in the UK or on a date. I probably wouldn't have looked twice at them, nor taken them to bed!!
    However perhaps try a new approach to meeting people. I'm starting to join more LGBT groups in the hope of being around more interesting people who are happy to communicate.....
     
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  10. Devil Dave

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    I think the more advanced technology becomes then the less patient people who use it become.

    I remember when I studied website design, I was often told that when a user visits the website, the content needs to capture their interest in about 30 seconds before they get bored and move on. Then when I was actually working as a graphic designer and got involved with a professional company, they said it takes 8 seconds before users get bored and lose interest in a looking at a web page.

    So god knows what it's like now (I quit being a designer about 5 years ago). We literally have apps where users swipe yes or no at first glance when looking for a date. There's very little reading and information gathering going on. It seems to be how our brains work these days. There's so much information online that's constantly being updated and new content that's constantly being uploaded and users don't want to take the time to stop and look at one thing, they immediately want to move onto the next thing. so stopping to have a conversation with one person on an app means ignoring our desire to view countless other people's profiles, even though this guy might be exactly what we're looking for.

    It is a shame and it is frustrating, because social media does give us the tools to share our most interesting pieces of information, whether it's holidays that we've been on or projects that we have worked on or events and celebrations we have attended, we are sharing the best parts of ourselves with this universe online, and people are not stopping to admire us and talk about it in greater depth, they are just clicking a "like" button and moving on or being distracted by the next article that comes up on their news feed.
     
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  11. Rade

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    The apps seem geared up just on looks. I like to read abit about the person. Guys click on my profile. I then look at there's. But if there is very little information, I don't bother to contact them. I've about given up on apps now. Want to meet someone in a more social setting.
     
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  12. Kevin k

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    Those examples seem pretty normal to me. I'd stay away from dating apps and focus on meeting people the old fashion way. This way, you can find out if someone is actually interested in you as a person, instead of the possibility that they just want to get in your pants. It will take time, however, it took my friendship with my boyfriend a good two months for us to be considered as boyfriends.
     
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  13. lonewolf79

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    Absolutely well said! Love it.

    My brief experience with apps has led me to avoid them. I've met some interesting characters - we no longer communicate :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: Most of them have "user has not provided information" and that for me is a red flag.
     
  14. Rade

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    Totally agree if the profile isn't full of information, red flag! I don't reply. I'm giving one last guy a chance, then I'm taking a break from apps and will increase my social activities.
     
  15. OGS

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    I've never really done the apps so I can't really speak to that, but I did date quite a bit back in the day and, to be honest, the thing that really strikes me about what you describe isn't the events themselves but your reaction to them. It seems to me that you are saying these people aren't interested in me, I must not be interesting, when it seems to me that what you should be saying is wow I met some really uninteresting men. I mean surely you weren't actually interested in these men by the time this was all over, were you? If you weren't and instead decided that they were either extremely boring, or at the least gave you no reason to believe otherwise, why does it matter whether they were interested in you? And if you were still interested, maybe you need to take a hard, honest look at what you are really looking for? Maybe even set the bar a bit higher?

    Like I said I don't really know the apps, but I hear they are full of people looking for sex. I hear it enough that I assume it's true. But, frankly, I also assume it's full of really boring people. Frankly, the bar for entry is just so low. You don't really have to put yourself out there at all. Snap a pic and write a profile. Half of the responders won't even read the profile and those who do--well, I mean everybody likes long walks on the beach, it doesn't really change the fact that hardly anyone actually takes long walks on the beach. If I honestly felt like I had very little to offer beyond my appearance I would be on the apps in a flash, just sayin'. So, if you go that route you're going to have to sift the wheat from an awful lot of chaff and I assume that means a lot of really boring coffee dates. I mean, even meeting someone in a bar (which is certainly not the least shallow way you could meet a guy and is incidentally how I met my husband) you see them and you're probably drawn to their looks, but then you see how they interact with their friends and the people around them. Are they fun, maybe they're funny, do people like them? Then you go up and chat with them. Maybe you chat with them for five, ten minute, maybe a couple hours... and then you ask them out. There's a fair amount of sifting that's done before you even make it to the date.

    I guess what I really want to say is just it's not you, it's them, and frankly having guys you're not interested in be fascinated by you can be a bit of an ego boost but after that initial boost, it's just a problem. Wait for the guys you're actually interested in.
     
  16. smurf

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    I want to push back on this idea for a bit if you guys care to indulge me.

    So apps like this are brand new and we kinda have to learn how to use the technology as a tool to meet other people. I agree with OGS that the bar of entry is super low.

    With that in mind, my friends and I are trying this new thing soon. We are working on it, but the idea will be to try and use the apps to help lgbt people connect to each other. The thinking is that a lot of people don't know how to find other lgbt outside of lgbt spaces so lets try to connect them.

    The idea is to invite people who we talk through and click with to all have brunch together once a month. Whoever shows up is hopefully 1) up for meeting new lgbt friends 2) is quirky enough that this catches their curiosity 3) have the courage to be vulnerable and take a chance to show up for brunch with other lgbt people to see if something good can come off of it

    What I'm saying is that you don't necessarily have to abandon apps if that is the only lgbt space that you have access to. You can learn how to use it in order to meet other people similar to you in your area :slight_smile: