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No sexual experience and dating problems

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Sawyer, Dec 13, 2016.

  1. Sawyer

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    Thank you for your input, YeahpIdk, I really appreciate it. For some reason, it doesn't come up in that sense. Like the last person, we were talking about ideal relationships, and ex's were brought up, and then one thing led to another and sexual partners came up, and with my bad luck, it comes up a lot. I hate dishonesty, and I didn't want to lie about it, because even if I did, my lack of experience would show during the first time, and I didn't want to lie about that. I didn't think it was any malice when it was brought up, if that makes sense, like using someone just for sex. I understood she wanted someone with more experience, or who at least knows what they are doing and not nervous or whatever. I completely understand where most girls are coming from.


    Do you happen to have any advice if that comes up on the first date? If some girl were to ask me that, I'd be so inclined to tell them the truth.

    That's a very true point.

    The thing is, I completely understand their weariness, and I don't fault anyone for it being a deal breaker.
     
  2. Creativemind

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    It would probably be a dealbreaker to know my partner had a high number of sexual partners, so I don't fault dealbreakers. It's only annoying when It's a double standard. I hate being accused of slut-shaming by the very same person who discriminates against virgins for reasons that are sometimes even more dumb than my own preference.

    I think it shouldn't be a big deal either way. If someone doesn't want to date a virgin...ok. If someone doesn't want to date me because they think I'm a five stage clinger or mentally ill or something....that is discriminating based on prejudice. That would be like if I said "I don't want to date a person with x amount of partners since I don't like STI's or women with daddy issues" (I don't actually believe this btw). Point is that the respect needs to go both ways.

    However, I do agree that some people bring this up way too fast and I wouldn't want to be dishonest either. I think half of the time this is their own problem....they shouldn't ask if they don't want to hear the answer.
     
  3. Sawyer

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    Creativemind, I completely understand what you are saying. I don't know why it comes up on the first date--maybe I just have the worst luck picking up women.

    My sister is straight, and at one point, was also a virgin in her late 20s. She also had the 'how many sexual partners have you had' come up rather quickly, except they didn't mind much that she was. It wasn't a deal breaker for them.

    Not faulting any women for their hesitance. I recognize it was my fault for blindingly being in a dead relationship for so long thinking that behaviour was normal. In a way, I am glad I never slept with my ex.

    I generally don't feel ashamed about being a virgin. The only time I feel like it is wrong is when I am talking with a woman I like and they bring it up. That's when I feel shame and stupid because I am so old and society has this dumb stigma.

    But I am also the type of person who believes if you are having sex with a different person, it's the first time all over again. Every person is different, and what you did to one, might not be the same for another.

    I really don't know. I'm still on the search for that one person who can look past that.
     
  4. Creativemind

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    Ok...so I had a good reply typed out until the server shut down. Sigh. I guess I'll have to re-write it.

    Basically, I understand what you mean. Women are way more shallow about this, even straight women. Men are less likely to care. At the same time though, I feel lesbians have different reasons to be wary...considering how many bicurious people use and hurt them, they might worry the same thing for anyone inexperienced. Which is understandable, but I highly doubt I'd be that kind of person since I've been out for 10 years. Why would I go through all the trouble?

    That all being said, I still respect the dealbreaker of course. It's just that people go about it the wrong way. For example, I probably wouldn't date a trans woman long term as I doubt we'd be sexually compatible. That is my preference. However, it would be another thing if I asked every date "Are you trans/Do you still have a penis?" the first time we meet up. Even though I have the right to not want to sleep with them, this behavior is still extremely rude and puts people on the spot too early. I wouldn't do that to anyone as I know how that feels.

    So really....It's not that I'm saying they can't have their preference, but I do think there's a better way to go about it.
     
  5. Sawyer

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    I kind of never actually thought about experimental girls being a reason for hesitance. My mind automatically flashed to no experience = bad at sex, which is what they don't want.

    And I guess the longer I stay a virgin, the more I fear sex and intimacy. I haven't kissed a girl in like 3+ years, so I don't even know if I am a good kisser anymore--so there is a lot of anxiety I have over an intimate part of a relationship. I want to find someone to settle down with, but it seems to be like one brick wall after another.
     
  6. Creativemind

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    To be honest, I can only understand that preference if you are straight (or at least dating the opposite sex). To have that be the reason if you are dating the same-sex...makes no sense at all. I might be a virgin, but I still have a vagina, I've touched my own, and I know how the female body works. I have an advantage over a straight male virgin who hasn't even seen a vagina. I have sexual experiences with vaginas, just not sexual experience with human beings.

    Of course, what I like may differ from what someone else likes. But you can sleep with 50+ people and still not know what one particular person likes. You can sleep with 100+ people and be terrible in bed with a partner since you might be used to one night stands and being selfish in them. It's really all subjective.

    It's fine to have that dealbreaker, but It's silly to think I don't know how a vagina works, you know?

    You deserve better than all these girls who reject you for shallow reasons anyway. I doubt they'd make good long-term material. Just keep looking.
     
  7. Sawyer

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    I just wanted to give an update on this thread and thank everyone for their advice.

    For those who are in a similar situation: the right girl or guy will not care if you have no sexual experience. As what everyone was saying, if they care, they aren't for you. Sometimes you gotta just pick through the bad apples before finding good ones.
     
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  8. spaceintime2032

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    I have not done anything. even gay in life.
     
  9. Elendil

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    Started reading this thread out of curiosity and I'm really glad I did. I'm 29 and have very little dating experience and zero sexual experience, so I relate to a lot of what you guys posted. I grew up in a very small conservative community and didn't finally manage to leave it for the city until a few years ago. I think the combination of the isolation and generally homophobic atmosphere of my hometown contributed to a lot of my anxieties surrounding relationships and intimacy.

    I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who's still a virgin past 25. As many of you have pointed out its harder for us LGBT people as we're a minority and our dating options are much more limited.
     
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  10. LittleStargazer

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    I'm almost 24 and I never kissed anyone, I thought I was the only one...