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No sex? How do you do it?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by CubbieBlue, Nov 7, 2016.

  1. CubbieBlue

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    or rather, how do you NOT do it?

    I read a lot of posts on here about individuals in mixed orientation marriages that don't have sex. My wife and I have not been on the same page about sex for a very long time. And as time goes by, it seems to get worse. As that gets worse, so do my moods, sadness and confusion. I've thought about just abstaining from it all. But I don't want to abstain from loving her and spending qt together. So for those that have found a way to do this, how do you do it successfully? Was/is your spouse okay with this? Do other parts of the marriage suffer? Is it difficult to still feel all the emotions of love without sex? Do you feel that you drifted further apart because of this or closer together?
     
  2. tgboymom

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    Drifted apart... yes.

    I guess I'm not in the same situation, but in some ways I can relate. It gets lonely. My husband loves me but I can count on one hand the number of times we actually engaged in intercourse in the past year. Oh... he'll lay there and enjoy being serviced orally... then roll over and go to sleep and the only think I'm desperate for is a little affection.. maybe a little recognition.

    Granted he's 60, but I'm not much younger than he is. I feel the disconnect getting deeper and deeper.... to the point where I'm becoming loathe to "take care" of him I and I can count on one hand the number of times I've done that in 6 months too. I wonder.... is it over?

    Does this sum it up for you... I love my spouse, but I am lonely....
     
  3. I'm gay

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    How did I get through 20 years of marriage, with dwindling sex over the last 6+ years of that marriage? Masturbation.

    Was my spouse ok with this? She didn't know for a while that I was still masturbating. She thought it must be a physical problem with me or that I just had no sex drive. Then, once she figured out I was still masturbating, she internalized it that I must not be attracted to her anymore because he's too fat, too ugly, too old, too..... whatever the self-critique of the day. This is probably the most difficult part for me - that she turned my problem into her problem and I didn't even know it.

    The other parts of our marriage didn't really suffer. We've always gotten along great, and we've been a great team with our kids.

    I've always felt the emotions of love, with or without sex. Only in the last two years did I realize that my notion of the love I feel for her isn't the love a heterosexual man should feel for his wife. So, while there is love in my relationship with my wife, and has always been there, it isn't the right kind of love.

    We really began drifting apart after I came out to myself. It was really just me pulling back from her though.

    Everyone will have their own unique experience, so I can only relate my experience with my wife.

    I hope this helps!

    :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  4. Nickw

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    It was really bad for me to go without regular sex. My wife became asexual as a result of menopause and became uninterested in sex. It was me pleading essentially. After awhile I quit pleading and settled for her "relieving me". I was/am still quite attracted to her sexually.

    But, I got very angry with her for a couple years. Being bisexual, I started to fantasize about men and even almost hooked up. I came out to my wife about six months ago.

    We started working on our intimacy. Not just sex. All kinds of touching, massage, kissing every chance we get, dancing in the kitchen. Anything to be closer. It paid dividends and we are happier than we have ever been.

    Now, I do have intimate male relationships on the side. My wife is fine with this because I do have a high sex drive and I do desire this. But, I make sure our marriage is the most important thing.

    That said. I could not be a non-sexual person. I was in a very bad place when our intimacy dried up and the marriage would not have survived regardless of my sexual orientation. In some respects, my gay side relationships have taken some of the pressure off of my wife and we can enjoy the other forms of intimacy she is more comfortable with.

    It sounds like you need the intimacy. I think you may have answered your own question.
     
  5. DAFriend

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    If a hookup nor partner is an option, it's DIY, or simply endure, but that isn't easy.

    Mixed orientation does not always mean no sex, yes even a gay man with a woman. Yes it can and does happen, and it works out well for a few but, it takes a lot of understanding and, very open and honest communication to make that work.
     
  6. CubbieBlue

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    That does sum it up tgboymom. I feel lonely too. Especially when I want her to love me in physical ways. But I love her and I'm not ready to imagine myself without her. But it hurts every time I want affection or exciting (or non-exciting) sex with her.

    Imgay47, I was also thinking about not masturbating. I don't really masturbate to women, so that would only further confuse me or make me want her because I would rather make love to my wife.

    Nickw, that makes a lot of sense. My wife is not okay with me exploring that side of my sexuality, so it's her or nothing. And she doesn't really care for sex. She does want to please me, but that does't do much for me because I know she's just doing it to relieve me. I'm hoping I will not get angry with her for us not having sex. She also wasn't crazy about the idea of not having sex, but I think its only because she thinks I will suffer too much. I don't think its because she wants to keep sleeping with me.

    And that's good to know DaFriend. I never really thought about that .


    Thank you all for taking the time to answer my questions. From what I had read before, I thought it would be an easier task. I'm still hoping this works for my wife and me. Wish me luck.
     
  7. Nickw

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    I noticed that it has been two years since you came out to your wife. First of all, congratulations on being honest with her. It took me 32 years of marriage to do it and it was one of the hardest things I ever did. I also noticed that you are only 32 years old and your sexual relationship with your wife has not been good for while.

    Your story and mine have a lot of parallels. My wife lost interest in sex sometime after about 10 years of marriage. But, she never really told me she was not attracted to me, or anyone, sexually. She did have sex only to satisfy m as I have always had a high sex drive. And, by far my biggest turn on is pleasing my partner. This created a real problem for us. There was no way that sex could ever be what I needed. It sounds like you also need your wife to be attracted to you and want sex.

    When I finally came out, so did the honesty about our sex life. And, we have been learning how to provide a place where both our intimacy needs can be met. And, they are NEEDS. Don't discount them.

    Have you had a recent talk with your wife about your needs? Needing to be desired sexually is different than needing sexual relief. Your wife needs to know that you need more than "marital duty sex". It took some talking, but my wife now understands this. But, she also had needs that weren't being met and I have been working on meeting those. Marriage when you put your spouse first works great; but, only when the spouse is doing the same thing. This takes communication because assuming you know how the other person feels, even after years of marriage, might be wrong.
     
  8. CubbieBlue

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    That hits it right on the head. My biggest turn on is definitely pleasing her. But like you said, since her drive is so low, it doesn't really work. And would definitely love it if she wanted sex.

    I have. We've had many of those talks. Some she just can't get behind (same sex needs). And I get that. I really do. I figured I could always substitute porn for those needs. But not the other, more emotional and intimate needs that I have that she can fully satisfy. But she cannot fake it enough to do that for me. She tries, but only minimally. It's so hard on us. We do try to communicate, but that hasn't worked. So that's why my latest idea was for us not to even bother with sex. That way, she won't feel pressured to complete her last of the household chores at night (and I do mean last. Everything/everyone that needs attention in the house is addressed first. And I do mean everything). That's not romantic or enticing for me. I know I'm the dreaded last task that she can't avoid anymore. It makes me sad. So I figured that I won't put myself through that or her through that. So far it's been 2 days. Well, it's been much longer than that, but the whole "intentional abstinence" thing has been 2 days. How could I communicate anything that would help any better? I don't know
     
  9. Nickw

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    Cubbieblue wrote

    Man. I know this one. I was always low priority. The last straw was a trip I took...I would be gone for several days and it had been a week with no relief. We were at a group surfing camp, so there was not a place outside of our private tent for me for "self relief". She shined me on the morning I was leaving. I was so horny. I sat next to a very attractive, wealthy widow (this sounds like the start of a porn film). We hit it off. When we landed she propositioned me. I almost went with her. It had been so long since I had been desired. My wife would have been devastated because "she could have done that for me"...but, she can't because she couldn't feel it.

    Don't do this! I tried this between the widow thing and my meltdown...which I had. I decided that sex was no longer a thing and I would figure something out. That turned into anxiety and a gay hookup that I didn't follow through with. The next day I was in therapy and on this forum. My wife just thought I was impotent since I quit bothering her. Finally, I told her about the widow, another almost thing with a much younger woman and a male bartender who propositioned me. All in the period of a couple months...I must have looked needy. I hadn't told her yet I was bi (she never got the connection with the bartender..really bad gaydar).

    So, I told her we may need to separate (not divorce) for awhile because I could not live without sex. She freaked and we started having daily sex for awhile. Then I came out to her and we started having twice daily sex. But, it was still not her thing...we were just trying to stay together.

    Don't give up the intimacy...it is so hard to get it back. Do anything for her that shows how much you love her. Do her chores before bed, rub her feet, massage her neck...We did these things and her "relieving me" as a reward was much more heartfelt...she wanted to return the favor. Eventually, that evolved into my gay sex outside the marriage.

    Have you asked her what SHE needs? I have learned to make love to my wife in semi-sexual ways (frottage) that are more comfortable for her and are quite arousing for me. The intimacy is there and that is what is important. But, the pressure to perform is not...a little of this several times a day can be fun.
     
  10. Lora

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    I'm wondering if your wife has always been less interested in sex from the very beginning of your relationship. I'm trying to understand where she's coming from as a woman. If you can give more details about her then maybe we can work out WHY and HOW we can work out increasing her libido with you. Sometimes we're so preoccupied on what we feel and we forget that the other person is suffering too.
     
  11. CubbieBlue

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    I have. She said things are fine. I think she maybe doesn't know. I've asked her to see someone but she hasn't taken that advice. Sometimes she says for me to help around the house more and I have. Nothing has really changed though. She also says she doesn't want to stop having sex, but I think she's just saying it. I'm not very good at turning her down. I love when she cuddles with me.

    I have tried other things. She likes cooking for me and taking care of my meals for the next day. It's how she displays love. I actually like to prepare my own meals, but I have let her do that. I'm trying to show her how much I love her. I don't know if this will lead to more intimacy, but I guess there's hope. if anything, it will help me feel wanted in the form of I feel loved.


    I'm wondering if your wife has always been less interested in sex from the very beginning of your relationship. I'm trying to understand where she's coming from as a woman. If you can give more details about her then maybe we can work out WHY and HOW we can work out increasing her libido with you. Sometimes we're so preoccupied on what we feel and we forget that the other person is suffering too.

    I've always had the bigger sex drive. That's another problem. We've been together since we were 18. We're 32 and 33 now. We've only known each other. Throughout the years, I really curbed my sexuality because she was always more selective about sex. We would have sex more often before, but it was always the same. Two years ago when I came out to her, I think it was subconsciously because of all of my pent up sexual frustration. Sorry if this is not a lot of more info. What kind of info did you mean?
     
  12. Nickw

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    My wife and I had a great sex life for about 5 years after we were married. But she was 30 and I was 25 when we married. Before, that she was a FWB (strictly a sex partner during grad school) then we fell in love when our school work slowed down and we had time. It was an odd way to start a relationship based on pretty much sex and skiing. But, it worked. I thought I was in heaven! Both of us had very high sex drives.

    But, my wife is a workaholic and that took a toll. Sex became the last thing on the to do list and by the time she was 40 it diminished a lot. By the time she was 50, there was no sex drive on her part. This happens to some people...not me. If anything my sex drive increased.

    Your wife sounds young for this. She might need counseling or therapy. Maybe you both should see a therapist who specializes in building and maintaining intimacy. You are far too young to be considering a sexless existence (I am not sure there is an age limit either). This could, ultimately, be a marriage ending situation. You may need to be that blunt with her. If you end up resenting her (I am starting to read this), it is so much harder to get things working again. My wife and I are very motivated but it is hard to break habits and routines.

    It sounds like you are guessing what your wife might want and hoping you hit on the solution alone that is magic. I wish it worked that way...but, it doesn't. She needs to communicate...really communicate. To do this might require therapy.

    To complicate it, your sexuality could be an issue for her. My being bisexual is a plus for my wife. I am not quite sure why. She is totally into my gay cultural and sexual experiences. Your wife may be the opposite. But, she needs to let you know if your sexuality does bother her...deep inside.
     
  13. CubbieBlue

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    Thank you Nickw. Your words and advice are very very helpful. I will ask her to see a therapist. This is something we have talked about in the past, but she says she doesn't have time. Maybe I should just press harder. And then maybe she can truly tell me if my sexuality does bother her. Or if there are other issues I just don't know about.