1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Next steps...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by I'mStillStanding, Oct 16, 2020.

  1. I'mStillStanding

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2016
    Messages:
    939
    Likes Received:
    328
    Location:
    East Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It’s been four and a half years since I came out and asked for a divorce and often it has felt kind of like limbo... purgatory... sometimes hell lol! I’ve been a bit stuck dealing with depression and anxiety. Sorting through childhood drama. Add in taking care of family and pausing my life... it’s been a bit of a mess.

    But I’ve finally started making the moves to take the next steps. I’ve decided to get back to work full time and have been applyIng for jobs. Had an interview already and hoping things move fast for me on this front... spoken with mom (who I currently live with and take care of) so she’s aware of my intentions of moving out. She’s making plans of her own and it seems like things are gonna get sorted rather quickly.

    I have no idea what I’m gonna be when I grow up (don’t judge me hahaha sure I should be settled into a career but I’m not rushing), or where I am gonna end up. But for now I’m just gonna get a back in the swing of things and get some independence and I’m super happy about that!
     
  2. QuietPeace

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2020
    Messages:
    369
    Likes Received:
    149
    Location:
    Northern Europe
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Congratulations. I hope that you find both a job and a place to live where you will be content.
     
    I'mStillStanding likes this.
  3. Tartanskrt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2019
    Messages:
    83
    Likes Received:
    54
    Location:
    Uk
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Congratulations on taking the next steps forward in your life. That's amazing.
     
    I'mStillStanding likes this.
  4. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    1,983
    Likes Received:
    407
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Aside from getting full on therapy which is not always easy to get, specially in the US, I recommend the following:
    a) exercise regularly, not less then 3 days and not more than 5 days a week. And no less than 30 minutes and not more than ~1.5 hours per day. Even walking is considered in this group. This helps blood flow to the brain.
    b) drink lots of water
    c) eat right, cut out shit food - fat, high carbs low fiber crap (reduce coffee and alcohol if you are a high user of these wonderful beverages)
    d) get lots of sleep

    A psychologist told me if patients did a - d he would go broke.

    I'm going to add a personal favorite, join a meditation group, this can be done online now days, and learn to meditate - even for free. What does this do? It teaches you how to calm your brain down.
     
    #4 brainwashed, Oct 17, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2020
    I'mStillStanding likes this.
  5. HM03

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2013
    Messages:
    1,970
    Likes Received:
    258
    Location:
    Pergatory
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Congrats on the next steps! Goodluck with your search!

    Hmmm, while my therapist did recommend exercise and eating healthy (as well as developing an outlet for feelings), I think it's a bit of a stretch to say that it could replace the need for therapy :slight_smile:
     
    #5 HM03, Oct 17, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2020
    I'mStillStanding likes this.
  6. I'mStillStanding

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2016
    Messages:
    939
    Likes Received:
    328
    Location:
    East Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    @brainwashed and @HM03 I actually have been in therapy since coming out. Last year I did emdr therapy to really get a good handle on my childhood trauma and that was honestly the big turn! It changed soooooo much. Like everyone around me noticed such a huge shift, as have I. It really, really changed my life.

    I love you both talked about the health aspect. I have already lost nearly 150 lbs but I’m still not happy. I wanna lose at least 40 more so I’ve just started back to focusing on exercising and eating better. Hopefully I’ll be close to my goal weight by my bday :slight_smile:

    I really need to get back into mediation too!!!! It was such an amazing tool. But I never did it with a group... that’s interesting I’ve never heard of that as an option. It would be great to have someone to have as accountability partner you know.

    @QuietPeace and @Tartanskrt thanks so much
     
    #6 I'mStillStanding, Oct 17, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2020
  7. Mirko

    Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2008
    Messages:
    16,965
    Likes Received:
    1,849
    Location:
    Northern Hemisphere
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It's great to read/see that you are making progress. Every step, no matter how small or large is progress

    I'd second eating healthy, staying physically active and meditation. Meditation can definitely be a great tool in calming your mind and body. :slight_smile:
     
    I'mStillStanding likes this.
  8. quebec

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    1,745
    Likes Received:
    932
    Location:
    Idaho
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    @I'mStillStanding.....Congratulations on taking these steps! ***BIG HUGS***!! Is there an LGBTQ+ support group anywhere near where you live? If so, you might find folks there who would help you with this new chapter of your life. Please keep us updated on how this all works out!
    .....David "gay_pride_flag:
     
  9. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    15,017
    Likes Received:
    2,944
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Absolutely agree. Diet and eating healthy and even ways of venting emotions are all important, but they don't have anything to do with therapy, which for many people will be absolutely crucial to long-term success. But I think the OP already knows that :slight_smile:
     
    I'mStillStanding likes this.
  10. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    1,983
    Likes Received:
    407
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    You make a good point and I believe I should have been more specific. Not all individuals need therapist but think they do - per me reading a few books on the subject & verbal material from a psychologist. If this limited number of individuals had a little encouragement, it would go a long ways.

    And not everyone has access to therapy. What do these people do? Suffer? Not have any avenue to make things better. Please recommend.
     
    #11 brainwashed, Oct 21, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2020
  11. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    15,017
    Likes Received:
    2,944
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    There's almost no one that would not benefit from working with an effective therapist. Nearly all of us have traumas and/or childhood experiences that have had deep impacts on how we view the world (including our capacity to understand that we could be happier and more productive from therapy.) Especially among people who have grown up in the US in the last 30 or 40 years, the level of dysfunction within society exerts a toll on people.

    And there's virtually no one who is LGBT who would not benefit tremendously from therapy, because the experiences we have early in life, into our teens and often beyond, hiding who we are, worrying about not being accepted and loved... this takes an enormous toll on our capacity for emotional connection.

    Anyone who thinks they do need therapy almost certainly does. Most of those who think they don't need therapy probably need it even more than those who recognize they do.

    Almost everyone has some form of access. Especially with the increasing availability of teletherapy. There are many free or very low cost programs associated with colleges and universities that teach counseling and therapy. There are sites like Open Path Collective where therapists offer their services at a dramatically discounted rate. There are self-help groups where people with common concerns and issues can work together. Many employers have an employee assistance program (EAP) separate from health care, that provides therapy for employees in need. Some churches have staff trained as therapists, who actually provide non-religious therapy to community members for free or extremely low cost.

    In short, if someone is willing to put in the work, and make some sacrifice, there is almost always some resource available to help them. And, especially within the LGBT community, almost everyone needs it. I would seriously question the competence of a mental health professional who says otherwise.
     
    #12 Chip, Oct 21, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2020
  12. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    955
    Likes Received:
    1,246
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Chip’s comments are spot on! For me it was my therapist who helped find a path forward by asking tough questions. Those questions started me doing the necessary work to come up with my answers. By doing that work I was finally able to become comfortable in my own skin. That led to finally and fully embracing my homosexuality by putting my past in perspective and learning that most of my fear was self generated. He helped me find out that my toughest critic was me.
     
    I'mStillStanding likes this.
  13. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    955
    Likes Received:
    1,246
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    As an aside I still see that same therapist, not as much now and via Zoom but still working on me.
     
    I'mStillStanding likes this.
  14. I'mStillStanding

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2016
    Messages:
    939
    Likes Received:
    328
    Location:
    East Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yea I agree with @Chip when we wanna find help we do. My therapy and counseling has been amazing for the last 4.5 years... it’s also been offered through programs that do it for free or discounted rates for everyone... I started at the local university with their program and moved to behavioral health services after I found a therapist and doctor I felt would work well with me... it was just important to me so I made it a priority.