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Newly out as Bi - My first time with a guy - Need advice.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by newtothis32, Jun 14, 2017.

  1. newtothis32

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    Hey everyone. I'm new here but kind of looking for advice on a new but difficult situation for myself. A little introduction: Im 32, Male, bi - and only started coming out to my close friends and family a few days ago. In the past I have experimented a bit, but only have dated girls - but even that has been a while due to graduating school / other life stressors. So I'm definitely new to the new age dating scene in general.

    6 weeks ago I went on a trip to vegas with a big group of friends and acquaintances. One of the guys that came along on the trip came out as gay to everyone and we really just hit it off as friends. Everyone was really supportive, but I was not out yet. After the trip our friendship grew and a few days after returning from the trip I came out to him as bi, so both of us had not been out to anyone for even a week at this point. We ended up deciding to fool around a bit and started hanging out a few times a week. I told him I was pretty into him in Vegas and had a pretty strong physical attraction towards him and he echoed the same back to me. We went on a date to supper and a local play a few friends of mine were in and it went great - he held my hand during the show and we really clicked. On the way back to my place after he hit me with the classic - "this is going great but Im not looking for a relationship - I just want to make that clear". I was a little upset as usually that means "Im not looking for a relationship with you", but he more played it off as that he was recently out and wanted to date around and wasn't ready to settle down etc. I decided I was fine with that as I didnt have strong feelings yet and I kind of wanted to explore a bit too, and certainly would not be ready for a full fledges relationship yet. Over the next three weeks we kept seeing each other. We slept together for the first time and fooled around a couple times a week. But other times we would go out for dinner or just hang out with friends than head back to my place and hold hands and make out, have a drink and talk about life. He was kind of hot and cold the whole time with texting, but it was going well overall. It seemed whenever we had a good night he would pull back for about a day, then warm up again. He 's not the best at times with texting and is barely active on social media - so I kind of took the initiative to be the one to make plans more than often - but he was almost always game to go out for dinner or a show etc. Nothing too heated but we were both having fun and physically into each other. Last week I went on a trip for 5 days and we hung out the night before. I had a girl that was interested in me coming on the trip and I wanted to clear the air before I left that I wouldnt be hooking up with anyone else even though we were not exclusive. He stated that he kind of saw us as friends with benefits with little more at that point (which I still have no real idea of what " a bit more" means). So I kind of just realized that this was a more casual arrangement but I was starting to have some feelings as things were starting to feel pretty date like. We never just hooked up. He nicknamed me, held my hand, looked long into my eyes and we would make out and talk for hours without having sex more than half of the nights. We would go out on supper dates alone and he would hold my hand when we walked down the street at times. I decided to kind of let it be and cool off a bit and re-evaluate things when I got back from vacation this week.
    Since getting back things heated up a lot. We hung out everyday - Half of those dates initiated by him. We slept together once, the other rights just cuddling and holding hands while watching a movie or swimming in my pool. We went out on another dinner date alone together before meeting friends after. He started ending a few texts with XoXo and changed my nickname to "Mr hot". He told one of our mutual friends that he was seeing someone but didn't name me as I was not out.
    Two nights ago we met at a friends birthday party and when I showed up he was quite intoxicated - He was all over me to the point where friends started questioning it. He then accidentally let it slip in front of everyone that "I was his man" and that he wanted to kiss me half outing me to all of my friends. He sobered up a bit and stayed the night at my place - and when I walked into my kitchen to grab some food in the morning he was finishing drawing my name in a heart on my whiteboard. I drove him home and on the way he asked if I wanted to help him pick out guys on ###### which obviously pissed me off a bit - Was this him freaking out and trying to distance things because he realized things were getting more serious? We went out for a drink that night and I just kind of wanted to clear the air and see where we both were. He simply stated that nothing had changed and that we were still friends with benefits with a bit more, despite saying that we were seeing each other a few days earlier. I flat out asked hm if he had feelings for me and he initially replied "no" than later clarified and said that "he wasn't sure".
    I was pretty frustrated from the mixed signals and kind of felt hurt and used I asked him flat out of we was playing me and he seemed quite taken back and just kind of apologized and stated that he had screwed up and was sorry . We decided to cool things off for a bit and I drew a line in the sand that before we did anything further that he needed to figure out his feelings. He didn't seem too sad or bothered but Im pretty wrecked over this. Im just coming out, this was my first male dating experience, and it was so hot and cold and confusing. He texted me today and apologized saying that he is having trouble putting his feelings into words and that he doesn't know what feelings he has above being friends and apologized for leading me on, but wants to still move forward potentially but is unsure as to where this leaves us. We have so many mutual close friends that I don't want to make things awkward.
    Im not ready for a relationship and this is all so new to both of us, but I can't figure out if I was being used or if he is just confused. I kind if feel like this is so new to both of us that neither of us know what our emotions or feelings are. We went for a walk last night to clear the air and he just said at this point he can't really give me a clear or better answer as to what he's feeling - which is fine. Things went well and we grabbed a drink with friends after and have been texting a few times a day since.

    I decided to just come clean and start telling friends that I am bi and about our dating ./ sleeping together yesterday and started telling my family today.
    Any advice as to what to do? I really like this guy and would love for this to work out as the dates and physical part of it is wonderful, I just don't like the hot and cold aspect.
    He's known to be an extremely nice guy and we have had close mutual friends that have told me he is one of the most genuine people they have ever met so I don't think he is innately an asshole.
    I feel like he's just new and confused and just wants to experience everything he can. I do feel he has a fear of commitment at this pic , or just can't commit right now because he is newly out and wats to meet people, go on dates, have sex with different guys and see what he likes and doesn't.
    Due to so many friends standing up for how genuine and nice he's known to be I don't feel like he is at least purposefully leading me on, manipulating me, or using me. I feel like he does like the attention and the sex we have is unreal. I just find it hard to believe he could have such lukewarm feelings towards me emotionally as when were together we get along so well and were so connected. I think his plan was to just be friends with benefits and it slowly built to be more and he is trying to distance himself because he cannot commit at this point in his coming out/life.
    He's a bit younger than me (25) so is he just immature? I find it hard to believe someone could sleep with me passionately, put my name into songs on the radio while driving, give me a sweet nickname, hold hands, spend nights cuddling and making out etc with no feelings at all over a 6 week span, especially how he had been telling people that he was seeing me and the public displays of affection in front of our friends. He said that while doing everything in the moment the emotions and connection were real - he's just not sure if that means he overall has feelings for me. He kind of wrote it off as "doing what felt right in the moment", but is he just scared that he starting to feel something and is now trying to cool stuff off as he is afraid or not ready for this to grow into something more?
    Either way, I broke stuff off and said that while we can remain friends, that he needs to figure himself out and that we can be friends only until he figures out what he wants. Im so confused as to what this is or was.
    It felt very much like an open relationship and we never just hooked up. I don't see that as friends with benefits "with more" at all. Not that labels matter but I see things more and non exclusively seeing each other.

    Thanks so much for any outside insight or advice! Im so hurt and confused and lost to be honest...
     
  2. Quantumreality

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    Hey newtothis32! Welcome to EC!:slight_smile:

    That's quite a lot to take in, but I'll give this a shot.
    First, congratulations on Coming Out!:thumbsup: I hope people that you've Come Out to have been accepting!

    What you describe about your friend is pretty typical behavior for a gay guy in his mid-20's, especially one who has been in the closet until recently. He is likely making up for the fact that he hasn't been able to openly have a relationship with another guy until just recently. He also probably hasn't been in many (if any) previous real boyfriend-relationships. He probably wants to just explore his new-found sexual freedom right now. (I hope the two of you are having safe sex.) And he likely doesn't have much experience with romantic relationships. You said that the two of you "never just hooked up" but was that his idea or always your idea? If you thought of his behavior as if he was a teenage crush instead of a 25 year old guy, would his conduct/actions make more sense to you?

    Part of the issue as you describe it seems that you seem to be much more mature in both dealing with relationships and where you are in life. The fact that the two of you seem fairly far apart in that regard (although the age difference isn't all that great, at least on paper), is probably part of the problem that the two of you are having.

    Also, the fact that you are friends who are having sex rather than boyfriends seems to be confusing you somewhat, if I read your post correctly. While you said that you are not looking for a relationship, you seem to be willing (or even expecting) this friendship to develop into a boyfriend-relationship.

    Just some thoughts.
     
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  3. Humbly Me

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    I think the situation, although very nuanced, is basically that he likes you but isn't ready to have an exclusive relationship. It only seems confusing from the point of view of someone going through this. He thinks of you as more the best friend that he has sex with than a "boyfriend" who is in an exclusive relationship with him. He still loves you in both an emotional and physical way, but he doesn't desire exclusivity or long-term commitment. You need to look at yourself and see what you really want from him, and if non-exclusivity is really fine with you. Because if you can't deal with it and are struggling with the fact that you want to be exclusive partners, you have to tell him.
     
  4. CharacterStudy

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    My instinct is with quantum reality's answer. I've seen this behaviour in occasion; straight guys not quite ready to commit, at that age. When you add in that's he's suddenly got the freedom to experience and explore a whole new world, you're almost looking at someone who is at the teenager stage, rather than 25.

    Can't really advise, sometimes these things work out the way you want them to, sometimes not. You've got to work out what you can cope with. Would you consider suggesting an open relationship, or cooling off for now but catching up again in a year, if you're both still unattached? Obviously that might never come to fruition.
     
  5. newtothis32

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    A genuine thanks to everyone for your advice, it really has helped me through what has been a pretty difficult time for me!
     
  6. newtothis32

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    I thought I'd post a bit of an update - sadly things are just more difficult and confusing.
    At the last update about 2 weeks ago I had broken everything off and we were just going to be friends while he worked out his confusion etc. We went for a long walk and I set out VERY clear boundaries. No physical contact. No holding hands, no kissing, nothing romantic until he figured his stuff out. I told him that if he decided that he didn't see any romantic future with me or couldn't envision anything more then that's all we could do and I would let him know if I ever was okay adding anything physical back into the game. But I made it very clear that while I wasn't going to pressure him for answers or put a timeline on things, that were fiends only and if we wanted to proceed that it had to mean at least something or at least be with the goal of seeing where things could go. I didn't need a relationship, I totally understood his need to explore, but we needed to stop things because I was very upfront about having feelings. He was really great about everything, said he never wanted to lose my friendship, never meant to lead me on, and that he didn't really know if he had more feelings for me and was so confused that he couldn't put things into words - He just was enjoying everything and doing what felt right and not thinking about the future or consequences. So we mutually agreed to cool stuff off. I was pretty over everything and had accepted it for what it was- confusing and great at the same time. We hung out with mutual friends the next few days but did nothing more and things were going great - we were growing closer as friends and I had my emotions much more in check. I was prepared to cut off ties if lines got blurred.
    Unfortunately, a few days later we went out to karaoke with friends and everything just felt so amazing, We had both had a few drinks but we weren't destroyed. All of our friends left at closing time and there wasnt a cab to be had but there was a cab station a few blocks away so we decided to just walk and nab a cab together. He told me he really enjoyed hanging out with me and seeing me sing and being more free made him see a really attractive new side of me that he really liked. He grabbed my hand and we held hands all the way to the cab. We decided to grab food and my place was a few blocks by so we foolishly made the decision to just crash at my place. When we got to my place he asked if he could kiss me and we made out for a while and then ended up sleeping together. he said he missed kissing me and not being able to kiss me was really difficult for him. He spent the night curled up in my arms. I worked really early so he was still sleeping when I left. He ended up tidying up my place and making my bed, and wrote his name with a smily face on my whiteboard. he sent me a really nice text in the morning saying he had a blast and hoped my work day was good and that he had cleaned up for me a bit, which was really sweet. In the middle of the day he sent me a photo compilation he had made of me from the night before - so clearly he was thinking about me throughout the day. I kind of just accepted that it was a one off night and told myself there were still no feelings. Indeed, we hung out every couple days over the next week and there was general touching / arms around each other, and we went for dinner once, but mostly everything was hanging out with friends, but it seemed like things were going great. But then he really started to warm up to me even more. He asked me how my morning was going at work, and started making more of an effort to text me and make plans instead of me taking the lead a lot of the time. There was still the odd bit of not texting back right away if we hung out the night before, but we still seemed unable to keep distance from each other. if we hung out with friends we would be the last to leave and hang out afterwards alone.
    I also started coming out to most of my friends and our mutual friends. He started to come hang out and meet my friends and they all really hit it off.
    This past thursday he asked if I would come watch football with him. I assumed it was going to be a group of friends but it was only me and him. Dinner out at a pub and watching the game went great and we just clicked so well. Afterwards we were going to meet up with friends at a local bar, but he said he wanted to spend some alone time with me instead. We ended up sitting in my hot tub and he held my hand and we watched the stars. We fooled around a bit and he confessed that he's into me and that I had started appearing in a lot of his dreams. We ended up just hanging out the rest of the night and skipping the bar, but I drove him home and he insisted on holding my hand the entire way home and kissed me goodnight. He was back to putting my name in songs and being completely into me.
    So at this point all of the boundaries we put up were destroyed.
    Now for the past week things have been lukewarm. We've hung out every second night, and two days ago he came to one of my friends birthdays with me and we had a bit of a spark - arm around each other at the bar etc, made out once. But I asked if he wanted to fool around a bit after work one night and he just said he was too tired. Were still getting a long great, but it feels lukewarm and distant a bit after such an amazing night Thursday,
    I feel like Ive been more sexually aggressive - so I don't feel like he's playing me or using me for sex at all. I don't understand the change back again. It feels ever so hot and cold. We heat up and have an amazing week, only for him to slightly pull back when I feel it appears that he's really into us. Its nothing obvious or negative, just subtle changes in energy.
    We ended up just telling our friends that we have been a thing, but neither one knows what to tell our friends what it is or call it. I asked one of our good mutual friends if there has been any other guys with him etc and save for a guy that he brought around them three weeks ago and made out with at the bar - No one has seen anyone else and were together at least three times a week.
    he has also started to insist on paying for everything for me. He bought me this really cool set of beer glasses as a gift, and tries to buy all my drinks when we go out now.
    I know that nothing has probably changed. But Im falling hard now. I feel so stuck. he's now one of my closest friends. Ive became really close friends with two of his best friends, and he's met most of my close friends and they all really like each other and want to hang out more.
    I can't imagine that this could possibly work out. I don't want to have the talk again as I can't keep having this what are we talk"every two weeks. All I wanted was honesty, consistency, and communication. I was doing great at separating my emotions when it was consistent, but while its still a bit hot and cold, the hot moments are getting more emotional from his side.
    I'm learning a lot about myself, Im really liking the sex, and I care the world about him. But I don't think I can be friends at this point if it fizzles out or if he suddenly starts dating someone. I laid out clear rules and asked for complete honesty, but I just think he is so confused.

    So I feel like one of three things are going on-
    --> He is not in a place in his for a relationship but really likes me. When we hang out and have a great night together he can't help but be all over me emotionally and hold my hand, make out, say he's dreaming about me etc. Then he panics when he starts to get feelings, so he pulls back a bit for a few days.
    --> Im his side guy. Theres someone else that he's hiding from everyone such as the guy he was making out with three weeks ago while I was away - Less likely but possible, but odd that if they are getting serious, that none of his friends have seen him round, and he never talks about him, etc.
    -->Im a placeholder. He loves my friendship, he loves my friends, he loves me physically (I know this one for sure as he's very clear about that), but for some reason just doesn't want a relationship with me personally. He wants to like me because its so perfect, but just doesn't. But I'm just the perfect guy to have around till he falls in love. This is the only option that would really make me mad as I specifically laid out my rules that I wasn't to be a placeholder.
    So I know it's going no where. I realize there's very little chance that this will finally progress to something more. But I don't know how to walk away. I've never lost a close friend in my life and going through coming out without him is going to be so tough as he's helped me through a lot of it. Ive learned about myself through him, Ive gained the courage to come out and start loving myself more. I genuinely have never clicked with someone this well in my life. The sex is amazing. Im developing strong feelings, but I realize that even if he has strong feelings for me (which I think maybe probably does), he's not ready to explore them or has another holdup that could be his life situation, or just something about my personality that's intangible. It's just so frustrating that half the time his words don't match his actions.
    But everything is there. We love each others friends, we see each other more than anyone else in the world. We have great sex. I have a great career (I'm a physician), Im financially stable, he finds my job a turn on, he have similar views on life and interests. It just feels like such a loss for me to break this off and throw what could be by far the best relationship of my life away, but I think I have to.
    Any advice? Is there anything worth saving?
    I'm so deep that I don't think I could see him be in a relationship with someone else. Im so scared Im going to lose mutual friends or hurt mutual friends if I just break it off completely and delete him from social media etc. We keep trying to cool it off but neither of us can stay away from the other emotionally or physically. I like everything about him too much to just be around him and not do more. I realize his feeling aren't as strong for me almost certainly, but part of me still feels like he's just so afraid of anything resembling commitment with coming out, that no matter how perfect I am for him, that this will never be more.
    I have a few dates booked for next week with a couple of guys I met online and a girl that Ive known for a bit - Im thinking that will help me move on a bit. But I don't want to. I want this to work, but I know deep down that it won't. It's tearing me up as I feel so stuck. Being in this limbo more than casually dating but not exclusive Is killing me inside emotionally, but Ill be crushed to lose him completely.
     
  7. Humbly Me

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    I think you are being a bit pessimistic, he admitted to having feelings for you and BOTH of you seem quite in love with one another from your post. My interpretation of this situation is that you are scared of having a real relationship with such a close friend, and he is too, but both of you are very well matched and should probably go for it.

    *I apologize in advance for my inexact quotation but my autocorrect decided to fix your grammar.
     
    #7 Humbly Me, Jun 29, 2017
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  8. TrevinMichael

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    be very careful

    it is difficult because you want to experience love too

    you need time to be you

    make sure you meet several men you like

    I am not really agreeing with the post above me.

    For one telling others what you should do is not the best thing.

    I wish you well, but I will not tell you what you are feeling or what you should do.

    Follow your instincts and meet more people. This is all new to you, and you really need to get to know a bunch of friends.
    Sex changes a lot of things. Just do what you think is best.

    If I were in your situation I would Look deep inside and ask myself what it is I want to have, and what kind of man I want to be with. I would talk to the guy I liked about what he wants to do and if he wants to settle down. One thing I do know is my fear of loosing people kept me with the wrong ones.

    I wanted love.
     
    #8 TrevinMichael, Jun 30, 2017
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  9. newtothis32

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    Thanks for the replies. Being very careful was very good advice. Im pretty sure its number two - He started seeing the guy he saw while away on vacation more seriously and just kept it hidden from and all of our mutual friends. He posted snapchats together at the Canada day celebrations today so clearly he is back or still in the picture and he is just getting more hot and cold with me. He knew I would see them, so it must be his way of giving me the cold shoulder out of no where. Im kind of wrecked over this. I knew it would probably end bad, but I assumed as one of my best friends (or so I thought) that I would at least get a heads up or some closure or anything really. Im done with the situation either way. Im a great catch and I don't want someone in my life who respects me that little. I'll grow from this but it really hurts. I think Im just gonna stop making any effort and that'll show how it plays out as I still have to see him occasionally through mutual friends. It was only two months, but what a terrible way to experience my coming out. I feel like I lost one of my best friends. I've never lost a friend before, and to feel so thrown aside really feels so terrible.
     
  10. TrevinMichael

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    hope you are doing okay today
     
  11. Humbly Me

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    As long as you have conviction that you can move on, that is probably the best thing you can do now.
     
  12. Quantumreality

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    Hey newtothis32,

    I would recommend that you take some time to figure out what YOU really want from a relationship with him.

    As we talked about before, he is newly out of the closet and much less mature than you when it comes to relationships. From what you wrote, I thought that he made it quite clear that he is not ready to settle into a longterm relationship right now. Essentially he wants to 'sow his wild oats' before he settles down.

    From my point of view, you are the one who is sending conflicting signals. You did indeed lay down clear boundaries - and then YOU allowed them to be violated. In fact, from what you wrote, it sounds like you willingly cooperated with, if you didn't just outright instigate, the breaching of those boundaries.

    You said that previously that you weren't necessarily looking for a longterm or even 'boyfriend' relationship with him. But you also basically indicated that you want ax exclusive relationship with him, at least in terms of sex. You even said:

    How is that really different from having a boyfriend? Are you sending him these same mixed signals?

    Sorry to be blunt, but how can you expect him to act consistently when you tell him one thing, but then send conflicting signals yourself?

    To be completely fair, when affairs of the heart are involved, it can be hard to step back and look at the situation objectively, but is definitely important to do so from time to time.

    Just my thoughts.
     
    #12 Quantumreality, Jul 5, 2017
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