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newb in need of advice/feedback?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by elu thingol, Apr 17, 2013.

  1. elu thingol

    Regular Member

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    I'm not totally sure what "later in life" refers to, but I'm 26 and this forum seemed like a better shot. (I've lurked a little bit but it took a bit of psyching up to create an account here and post.)

    I have comfortably identified as more-or-less bisexual for a long time (I first questioned in about eighth grade, when I found myself unable to deny having a crush on my best friend. I was, at the time, wise enough to know that it was ultimately not worth the pursuit, and we are still good friends today.) I say 'more or less' because while I never considered gender an important factor in forming a relationship, I honestly don't have the life experience to reliably say whether "pansexual" would apply or not.

    Anyway, my reason for posting is this: I don't doubt being at least bisexual. However, I have recently begun questioning whether I am actually attracted to men at all (I am cis female). I guess it is just complicated because on one hand, I have only ever dated men and no women have ever actually been interested in me. On the other hand, while there are some men who are attractive in theory, I have never actually been able to bring myself to 'seal the deal,' if you will. Not that that is ultimately the most important thing in a relationship, but I always had one reason or another to avoid it. And I can't help but wonder, whenever I find myself considering the possibility of a male partner (philosophically. I have been single for a good three years now and can't bring myself to pursue any available options) whether the whole thing is wrapped up in having been raised Catholic with the expectation of marriage and children rather than what I actually want.

    tl;dr, I have been twisting myself around about this. Sometimes I tell myself that I'm convincing myself to be attracted to men because it's easier--both with my family and because awkward, nerdy straight guys are the only people ever interested--and other times I tell myself I'm making a big deal over nothing to try and explain why I have been single for so long, and need to get over myself.

    I mostly just want to know if anyone else has ever gone through similar things, since I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, and there are no resources in my area for anyone my age.

    Thank you so much in advance for wading through the above muck. I know I am long winded...
     
  2. Eliza

    Eliza Guest

    Hey! I am the queen of tl;dr, but I will keep this short.

    It doesn't sound like you're attracted to men. Did you keep diaries or journals when you were younger? I invented a lot of crushes on boys when I was in middle school, and I didn't realize it until I was much older and re-read the stuff I had written in my diaries.

    Like, this is what I said about the guy I remembered as my One True Love in seventh grade: "He tried to kiss me and I thought I would barf." I was also raised Catholic, btw.

    We tell ourselves stories about our lives, and sometimes we change the details around to fit what we think is true, and then we forget what actually happened.

    "Bisexual" doesn't mean "has to date only guys." If you're attracted to women, why don't you try dating them? That's not rhetorical, I'm really curious.
     
  3. elu thingol

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    Eliza,

    Thanks so much for your reply! To clarify a bit, while I have dated men it's a very limited number. Once, the summer before my freshman year of high school (he kissed me and I almost immediately dumped him. sound familiar?), once my freshman year at uni (he had already graduated, he was older and it made me feel mature, but I drew a very clear line early on), and once as a failed rebound, because he was there and I didn't have a reason not to give it a shot.

    I would actually love to try dating women, but I'm terrible at meeting new people, and even worse at telling if they are interested. So I've actually never had the opportunity.

    It's also funny that you mention inventing crushes. In elementary and middle school I use to lie through my teeth about having crushes. I remember picking a boy completely at random because he was in my line of vision, and deciding that he was the person I'd have a crush on, because nobody ever believed me when I said I had none.
     
  4. Eliza

    Eliza Guest

    Haha, yeah. I always picked the boy who seemed the most popular, or the boy who had red hair, because I liked telling people I had a thing for boys with red hair.

    It seems like a lot of lesbians these days are on OK Cupid, so maybe you could start there. I never found a successful date through OKC, but I did meet people who could guide me to local resources-- listservs, reading groups, bars, stuff like that-- and that was really helpful to me. It helped me get out of the house and feel less isolated.

    I also got to chat up a few girls with shaved heads who listed their sexual orientation as "Bisexual...?" and they were all pretty much going through the same stuff I was.

    Only thing I'd say about OKC is that, if you're messaging girls, you'll get one reply for every ten messages you send out. It's like that for everyone.
     
  5. elu thingol

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    I have never really been exactly pro-dating-sites, for myself at least, but since my pool of social resources is quite shallow, I made an account anyway. I've been hearing more about that site recently anyway. I have my doubts that it will seriously result in a relationship, but I have managed to have an extended conversation with someone who seems quite nice. So thanks for that, at least!
     
  6. Eliza

    Eliza Guest