Well I'm out and I'm happy! I'm 29, was married for 10 years (engaged at 18, married at 19 - young and fast I know), have 2 of the sweetest daughters in the world, a house and a good job, but I was never as happy as I could have been, and I could never accept myself. Why it took me so long I'll never know, but here's my story. I first knew I liked lads when I was about 13. I had a friend that I used to hang out with all the time. We liked the same jokes, same music, same everything it seems. I was besotted with him, but being a teenager, moods and tastes change like the wind and we slowly drifted apart. I was sad but not heart broken although I do describe it as my first crush. There were girls too, but they always seemed more distant and although I did fantasize about one or two, I never really had a crush on any of them. The lads were more of an interest to me. I had my first kiss with a girl at 14 and thus followed I string of small relationships with girls, some with with sexual encounters, but while I was never out to look for that I did enjoy it. Now, my first proper, belly aching, stomach churning, heart stopping crush was with a lad in school when I was 15-16. We did everything together, went to the cinema, went drinking, played computer games, told each other everything (apart from my desire to never be apart from him) etc. I would even be rediculously sad and down if I had to be apart from him. One night we even kissed. I felt on top of the world. But sadly, I remember being completely heart broken when he started seeing a girl. I was a mess, I cried, I hid and I had nobody to tell. I have never felt like that towards a girl and never have. We stayed close friends until I had to move away for work. I met my wife at work. She was nice and we got on like a house on fire. She was from the same area of the country as me, and we had so much in common. I didn't want to tell her how I felt as I thought that 1, maybe it was a phase and 2, I didn't want to be alone. About 6 months into the marriage she found gay porn on my laptop. As I had lent it to someone the week earlier, I covered it up and said it must have been them. I felt like a coward, but I didn't want my marriage to end (maybe because I felt ashamed of how I felt). Anyway, fast forward 10 years and we have our own house, mortgaged, and 2 beautiful daughters than mean the world to us. My wife suddenly had a breakdown one day, I think she always knew I was bi or gay. I never stopped feeding my desires in secret, but I have never been with another man, apart from that kiss as a teenager. The past 2 months have been so miserable and down, but we finally talked through things and I came out to her, and do you know what? She felt the same enormous sense of relief that I had felt. We have talked more in 2 weeks that we have done it 10 years. Our divorce is totally amicable and I honestly think our lives are so much happier as a result. And I've assured her that although I can't help who I fall in love with in the future, the kids are my priority and my friendship to her will always be close to my heart. I went home on the weekend and told my Mother and younger brother who love of know matter what. Nothing has changed with me. I'm still the same person, I still like the same interests, however now I am not living a lie. Her parents are less accommodating - but I think time is a great healer and I remain hopeful. Now I am like a liberated prisoner, keen to explore my new identity. I have no intention of becoming promiscuous, I want to find friends and maybe a relationship that I can totally honest and happy in. Thank you
