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Never been in a relationship

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by gibson234, Mar 24, 2019.

  1. gibson234

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    So In the last year and a bit I have been improving myself. I have lost a lot of weight, despite my crohn's disease and some new joint problem from the drugs for the crohn disease I have more muscle. I have worked on my shyness and I am now less shy (still have a lot more work to do).

    However I am still to yet ever have a relationship or any romantic encounter what so ever at the age of 24. I am struggling with the shame of this. I feel like this make me a total loser and bottom of the pile. While everyone else is off having fun dating, getting married, having a girlfriend etc... am I sat he we nothing happening at all. I tried online dating and no one was interesting. Which hurt me, because I thought I wasn't bad looking but apparently I must be ugly. I am trying in the near future speed dating, I hope that I might come across better in person but I am worried I might get no interest there too.

    Does having no romantic experiences at the age of 24 mean that I am rubbish?
     
  2. phoenix89

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    First off, kudos to being a fighter. I know people with health issues that have just given up and don't even try to have a good life. You are fighting and winning every day. Take heart in that.

    You are not rubbish what so ever. I know exactly how you feel. I didn't even have my first kiss until I was 24. I also tried online dating and it did more damage to my self esteem than anything else. I will be 30 this year and have been in only 2 relationships. The first ended on mutual terms after 3 months and we remained friends. The other, not so much. I have been trying to get divorced for longer than we were even together. My twin sister has never been with anyone and my brother who is a year younger than me also hasn't dated.

    This is not to say don't try, it is just to say that you are not alone in this.
     
  3. Harp Grey

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    I am 33 and never been in a relationship. I hade my first mutual sex the year I turned 30. So you're not alone. I think we are many late bloomers, however most people probably don't talk about it. So it's easy to feel alone. Being over 30 I don't think 24 is very old, no reason to panic! You have many great years before you, as do I. A lot can still happen!
    You are NOT rubbish!

    I have struggled with this A LOT. I have felt totally worthless. I had panic attacks and angst. I burried myself in work and got burned out. I still have periods when I feel sad about it, that's only natural I think, you can't forbid yourself from feeling sadness from time to time... but I'm much much happier nowadays. I had a shrink in CBT therapy which helped a lot. I came to the understanding that what I thought about myself was not the truth, it was just my "brain ghosts" (do you say that in English? I mean critical thoughts towards yourself that you start to believe in, and believes everyone has those thoughts about you, and forget that they are just thoughts). When I was there it didn't help what I random stranger at internet told me this, I had to work with it for months, more than a year, the whole f€%&ing time. If you feel really bad about this, I really recommend therapy if it's available to you (it's not always very easy to access health care nowadays, not where I live... I went to a student psychologist at the university, it was very affordable and easy to get appointments, and even though he hadn't licence yet he was very professional).

    I also thought a lot WHY I hadn't been in a relationship. I came up with these reasons, and they are not very strange at all (I'm posting them as an example).
    - I'm transgender (ftm) and didn't feel comfortable in my body, then it's hard to let other people come close to you (mentally and physically). Even when I had the physical changes I wanted with hormones and surgery it still took some time to land in my new body. In my brain I still looked female however manly I became, so I still felt uncomfortable. Maybe it's the same with muscle building, the brain isn't always very fast to adjust with the changes. I recommend yoga and meditation for this (and masturbation, haha)
    - I'm very used to being with myself and that wonderful freedom. I realised not too long ago that I don't want my freedom to be taken away. I'm not used to the thought of compromising. If I have to do that, it must be someone really special. I don't want to give up my freedom for just anyone. So I might have high standards! I'm pretty okay with being single forever if he never turns up. There is so much more in life! Maybe you're not like me at all here, but this is just an example!

    - When you compare yourself with others it's like comparing your own behind the scenes-material with someone else's expensive trailer (I didn't made that up, I can't remember who said something like that). Before I was really jealous at some couples on instagram/facebook who seemed SO perfect... but then I heard that IRL they fight a lot and don't want to end the relationship just because they're too scared to be alone. I'm not saying all couples are like that, but I still think it's important to have that in mind that everything is not as perfect as it seems. Even if it's not catastrophically bad they have everyday life as well, they have things they worry about, argue about and days then everything goes wrong.
    - I know people who rush into relationships because they're too afraid to be alone. They rather be with anyone than no one. They're like "he's okay, this might work" and then go for it and sometimes it works out, sometimes not. They seem happy enough so nothing wrong with that, but for me I wouldn't give up my current life for just "okay". So people who easlily get into relationships or have had many relationships are not better than me or more perfect than me, we just have different view of what being in a relationship means to us and our life in whole. - Or they're just more lucky than I am! Being lucky is a big part of all this as well, and that's really nothing you can do much about. Of course it's a bigger chance being lucky if you get "out there" rather if you just sit on your coach at home, but there still no guarantees for being lucky.

    I think you are doing the right thing focusing on yourself, that's the right thing to do! It's your own time in life. I now it's so easy to say for me... a year ago I wouldn't listen to this myself, but I can at least try to share what have helped for me when I have felt shitty about being single.

    (English is not my first language, I'm doing my best!)
     
    18breanna, Melancholy and Ram90 like this.
  4. Melancholy

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    If it helps, I'm 3 years younger than you and have as about as much experience as an 8 year old.

    Also, it's probably true that a lot of people are late bloomers but don't talk about it - which makes us feel more defective. Compared with the rest of my family, including those who are around my age, I'm an embarrassingly late bloomer.
     
    #4 Melancholy, Mar 28, 2019
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 28, 2019
  5. Ram90

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    Take it from me, an-almost 29 year old who hasn't dated at all lol. I've been on online apps for over a year now and things are really really slow. Online dating apps aren't a measure for you to check if people like you or not. Trust me. They're not. So, don't go by the number of people that ping you or reply to your messages on these apps.

    Instead, I'd suggest you try to go to social groups or other events where you can genuinely meet people in real life and make some good friends. Who knows? You might even find some interesting people to (potentially) date at any of those places. And if things are slow there too, just take a deep breath and smile. You have to be patient. And it's for the better. Trust me. Being patient and finding a nice person, is better than rushing into it, not knowing a lot about the person and then regretting it later. Regret is a worse feeling than the frustration that comes with waiting. :slight_smile: