Nervous about joining an LGBT sports group

Well, hey there, sweetie! I'm Lydia and I want you to know I very much understand what you're feeling.

I spent a lot of my life in isolation and social interaction is something I'm still getting the hang of, to be honest with you, but I've moved from a place where I'm constantly second-guessing myself and feeling out-of-place or silly for the things I say into a healthier place where I'm more confident and proud of who I am, and I shrug off the little stuff I used to fixate on.

What changed was a lot of things, but primarily it was my perceptions. I would take everything as some grand indication I'd screwed up and everybody hated me now. If some people were talking quietly and I caught a glance from one of them, I assumed it was about me. Same was true of laughing, universally. If I said something and no one replied, I assumed it was because everyone disliked me. If I told a joke and no one laughed, I'd failed, was humiliated, and wanted to leave.

That's born of trauma, for me. I faced a lot of social rejection for a very long time, and so my brain starting noting all the little details that led up to things going wrong, and use those as red alerts that I was being stupid again and no one would ever like me and I'm such a failure, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera...

The problem is, our pattern-seeking brains pick up a lot of false positives. If you tell a joke and someone frowns, yeah, it may be because they didn't like the joke, but it also may be they didn't hear you or it reminded them of something negative or they don't know how to react, or maybe they're just in a bad mood unrelated to you. If you say something and no one answers, it's easy but not logical to assume you're being ignored. People might not know what to say in response or they might intend to say something, get distract, and forget about it or maybe they didn't see it at all.

No offense, but you're not clairvoyant. That is the point; don't make assumptions about other peoples intentions, especially ones you don't know very well. You'll, as you mentioned, drive yourself into a tailspin of insecurity doing that.

Also, there are two things most people really like; someone who is nice and someone who is funny. The latter is harder, but the former just takes some diligence.

Like you were told as a kid, just mind your manners; always say please and thank you, be grateful to others for what they give you even if it's just time, be humble about your achievements and honest about your mistakes, and try to help make everyone feel welcome. Kill them with kindness and you can't lose, even if they're being a jerk to you.

Now, as to your specific situation, should you ask probing yet polite questions about the group and be open about your abilities and goals? Yes. Tell them you're a beginner. Tell them that's a bit much for you right now, but you're still interested in the group because you want to meet other people in the Community. I could almost guarantee they'll probably still be very interested in inviting a new person in.

Most groups like the one you're describing are small and eager for connections, and with good reason; there's security in numbers, especially when you're in the Community. We gotta look out for each other, but I'm straying off topic.

Before you do any of that, though, ask yourself this; am I that into running? If these guys are uber serious marathoners and you just like going up and down the block for a bit of movement, maybe it's not a good fit. Buuuuuuuuuut maybe these uber serious marathoners just want to get together with anyone who likes the same thing - even if it is just someone who likes going up and down the block - to have a light run, make some new friends, and maybe sip a cup of coffee after.

You never know until you're there. If it's not a good fit, oh well, you tried something new and learned something about yourself in the process. Now you have a clearer picture of what you're after. It's only an increment, but you still won. If it is a good fit, though, and you let your worries about being rejected keep you from it, you get nothing but another neural pathway in your brain that reaffirms its "It's better this way, so I don't get hurt" pattern and the proverbial "Wall" we build around ourselves gets another couple bricks taller.

Also, I only ask this because I evangelize for it; do you have a therapist? Someone to talk to, professionally, about these persistent anxieties around social events? Because, and forgive me if I'm overstepping a boundary here, but they seem to be really making you miserable and, while I won't promise you it'll fix it, it can sure make it a lot more bearable. That's just something to think about.

Anyway, I think I've taken up enough of your time. I hope this helps.

Hugs and good vibes to you, darling!

 

Yes yes yes yes and yes! Do it.

It's totally totally understandable to feel a bit anxious before you meet a load of new people for the first time. I know I have. Just reading your post had me nodding my head in recognition: 'yes, done all of that. Remember it sooo well'.

In my case it was one dark evening at the end of 2011. I'd found a local running club and had contacted them over the Internet. After umming and ahhing and thinking 'shall I actually do this?' I pushed through, went down there and found only three other people had turned up! But I overcame my shyness and got chatting to them. Ten years later I'm still a member and some of them have been the most supportive, loving people I have had to pleasure to meet.

As for the thing about the message board, it is so so easy to get the wrong end of the stick when you're communicating electronically. In my mind there is simply no substitute to meeting people face to face, talking and sharing each others' stories. So yes, do it.

And please let us know how it goes!

Best of luck, Beth x

 

Go! You will never really know until you give it a try.

 

To quote the title of a well known book.... "Feel the fear and do it anyway."

Nobody goes into a new situation with new people brimming with confidence. Some people are very good at faking it, but they are still paddling away like mad beneath the surface.

Is there a group leader who you can contact privately in advance, just to say how you are feeling? Most group leaders are in the role to support, welcome and increase membership... that's their job!

This 100%.

 

It sounds like you're well on your way to making some new connections! Just have faith in yourself, dear, they'll love you!

Also I didn't mean to make you feel as though I took you for a walking disaster or anything. Really, where most of my own confidence came from was therapy which is why I, as mentioned, evangelize for it, and I do so to pretty much everyone; even people who "have it together" (whatever anyone has decided that means these days) could still benefit from having someone to talk to about uncomfortable or difficult personal problems.

Not to mention any doctor worth their salt would tell you the same if you talked to them about your social worries. It's not a mark of shame or dishonor and if you really don't know what you'd talk with them about then I do have a suggestion. You could talk about what's keeping you from going back to a gardening group you obviously enjoyed being a part of or maybe trying to find another where you don't feel so much pressure.

And really, don't feel disheartened that you still have a distance to go after all the progress you made. I also understand that; that screws with me all the time. It always feels like there's something more to do, because there is. We are works in progress. All of us. None of us are complete or indomitable. We need each other. Don't be afraid of that and really don't be afraid to be vulnerable. That's the only way we connect, and those connections help us to grow. And be very proud of how far you've come! Just don't stop progressing. That's what counts.

I believe in you, hon! Hugs and good vibes!

 

Hi @lottaotter -
As a casual runner myself, I’d regard a 5k run as a beginner’s, or a casual run. If these runs are being announced publicly, then surely the intent is to draw people in, people like you. You might go and be disappointed. Or you might go and love it. Or, you might decide not to go, and you’d never know.

Years ago I was planning to go to a high school reunion. My feelings were a lot like what you describe. I had a thought that if I had to, I could sit in a dark box for a couple of hours, then get out of it just fine. Most anything would be better than sitting in a dark box. So I went to the reunion and guess what! It wasn’t terrible. It was actually kind of fun, and I had some good conversations. It was a lot better than sitting in a dark box.

I hope you’ll go and share the joy of running with that group.

 

Lottaotter, relax. You haven't screwed up badly. You haven't screwed up at all.

I have found out whenever I've join a new group I have the same sort of social anxiety, the same sort of thoughts. When I joined my current running club I felt 'oh they're all so middle class compared to me! They've all got fantastic well-paid jobs'. The temptation is to retreat to your social safe zone where you feel comfortable. In time, of course, I found that as people they were a lot more nuanced than my first impressions. After all, it's very rare that you click with anyone immediately. Very often friendship grows organically over time.

So...well done for going through with it, but hang in there and see what unfolds! I'm pretty certain that you'll feel more at home with them as time goes on.

It's very probable that they didn't notice. People don't, because they've all got more important things to be worried about in their own lives. Don't even mention it the next time you see them.

Beth

 

Hey @lottaotter

Well done going! I also think it would be a good idea to keep going. If only to improve your running. That’s always a good thing, right?

One thought. If you’re up for it, maybe reach out to the organizer to say you enjoyed the runs so far but we’re wondering if they have any more recreational type runners in the group. Ones who aren’t interested in competing. You may find they do but don’t usually show up until the weather is better. ;} It might prompt them to advertise that all levels are welcome so you could meet more casual runners.

Either way, I’d say keep at it. :} When I first joined a running group, I was dead last for quite a while but like the proverbial tortoise, I just kept at it and moved up and was soon comfortably in the second pack. :]

 

Is there a gay friend you could ask to go along with you ?
Well done for going
with any “group” you will find some competitive high achievers but I bet half the people there were just like you, just wanting some interaction and also feeling a bit awkward

 

It's great that you pushed through the anxiety and made the effort to go and it sounds like you were more than able to compete in the running. It wasn't an overwhelmingly negative experience and you managed to chat to a couple of people and go to an LGBT venue afterwards. Focus on those positives.

Gay guys value honesty, so don't be afraid to say how you feel. We come up against so much dishonesty in life and tend to warm to people who are open and honest with us about their fears and concerns. If you are honest and make the effort to keep going, you will find that you are included more, simply because you are demonstrating commitment to the group. As things stand, you are the new kid on the block and they will all be wondering if you are genuinely interested in being part of their community.

We have all experienced those moments of anxiety when we join an established community. I imagine new members of this forum may experience some anxiety when they create their first post, even if they are doing it from the comfort of their own home with an anonymous user name. It's always the same and the only thing we can do is to confront it.

As the newbie, nobody will expect you to be driver of group conversations, so don't try to force it and don't worry too much if you can't join in. There is much to be said for sitting back, listening to others and picking up on the verbal and non verbal cues. Just sit with them and be amongst them for a bit and they will start to become more interested in you and what motivates you.

I don't think you need to explain yourself to the entire group or seek forgiveness. Maybe you could casually mention the anxiety to the couple of guys you had a chat with and tell them how determined you are to push through it.