Negative and ongoing coming out experience

Hello, I'm new here and I wanted to start off with sharing my coming out story. This story is pretty long because my coming out process is still currently happening. Here is why.

I'm originally from a country in Eastern Europe where homosexuality is not accepted by most people. I didn't find out how bad it was until I had to come out to my parents. Up until my junior year of high school (2007), I had always dated guys and it wasn't until I met a girl at work that I realized I liked girls. I started dating her, not giving too much thought about how my mom would react because I didn't know whether it was something that was going to last. I had only told a couple of people but somehow, someone that knew my mom had found out and they told her. I came home one day from school and my mom straight up told me what she had heard and asked me if it's true. At that moment, her calm demeanor made me feel comfortable enough to admit it, even though I was very hesitant. What came next was what I would describe as the worst day of my life. Honestly, I don't even remember some parts of it because I'm still traumatized to this day.

After I told her, the conversation slowly escalated. I don't remember exactly what was said but my mom went from angry to angrier to absolutely hysterical. She started screaming at me and crying all the same time while pacing back and forth. She had beat me many times before when I was younger, so I was expecting her to get violent. Instead, she called her best friend and was telling her what just happened while continuing to be hysterical. I ran to my room to find my phone so that I could delete the texts from my then girlfriend. I was so scared, that my hands were shaking to the point where I was struggling to push buttons on the phone. I remember being in a state of shock and my vision being blurred. My mom got off the phone with her friend and called my dad at work and left him a voicemail to come home as if it was the end of the world. She then came to my room and continued to scream at me. I can't remember the order of the events, but my dad came home at some point and he just sat on the couch quietly, not knowing what to make out of the situation. Meanwhile, my mom got several garbage bags and went to my room. She knocked everything off of my dresser and put it in the garbage bag; all my makeup, lotions, perfumes, etc. She even threw my comforter away because she knew that my girlfriend had stayed the night (she thought the girlfriend was just a friend at the time). She then went to the spare "entertainment room" and threw away all my games, movies, and anything else she could get her hands on. Eventually I was allowed to go to bed because I had school the next day. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I felt like I was paralyzed. When I came home from school the next day, things just continued and I was threatened to never contact my girlfriend again. My phone was confiscated and I was to be monitored 24/7.

It stayed that way for a while and things got a little better until my freshman year of college when she found out that I had been dating my girlfriend still behind her back. I had a repeat of the first time she found out, and this time she threatened to end her life but luckily that was just an empty threat. From then on, she started printing out my call log, following me to school, and doing everything to ensure I wasn't in contact with my girlfriend. I eventually couldn't take it anymore ran away with my girlfriend, moved in with her and her parents for a short period of time, until me and her got an apartment together. I didn't contact my parents for a while and when I finally did after about a month, my mom was very careful to not be mean so I don't get scared off. My running away had devastated her to the point where she lost so much weight that she was skin and bones. Though things didn't get back to normal, we were able to maintain a civil though distant relationship. She would bring up the subject here and there and we would argue. Eventually, I broke up with my girlfriend (my own choice) and moved back home with my dad and by that time, my parents had divorced and my mom didn't live there anymore which made my life a lot easier. For the record, I'm not mentioning my dad's reaction because there isn't much to say. He told me that it isn't the right choice but has mostly avoided discussing the subject.

Around 2011, I started dating guys again. A couple of them I did like, but the guy I ended up dating for the next couple of years I feel like was my way of "giving up" and choosing to make my life easier. It worked, my mom was fantastic towards me and we had a wonderful relationship yet again. Then in 2013, I met a girl I fell for and I left my boyfriend. I was only able to date her for a short time until my mom called me one night and said, "Me and your dad know who you're with.." and acted almost like she was okay with it. I was surprised and relieved, but I came to realize that was just a trap because when I went to see my mom the next day, she completely flipped the script and started being mean again. She knew she couldn't act like she did before, but she yelled at me, insulted me, and said all kinds of horrible things. For the next few months, every time I went to see her it was the same serious conversation and manipulation. I would constantly hear about how selfish I was for choosing to ruin her and my dad's life. Eventually, I stopped talking about my girlfriend and made my mom think the relationship was over, although I was able to hide and maintain the relationship until I decided to break it off. Since then, mine and my mom's relationship has been great because she thinks I've been dating guys and I just haven't found "the one". Fast forward to this past weekend...

For the past two years, I've been with a girl who I know is "the one". We want to start our life and move in together next year. It's been great being able to have the past couple of years with her, but the constant lies to my mom about what I'm doing and who I'm with have taken a toll. And though it's been great to have this amazing relationship with my mom, I know that it's not ... "real". Something came over me this past Friday and I texted my mom and asked her why she never accepted me for who I was. She called me and I finally decided to answer after calming myself down from panic. For a few minutes, she danced around the topic and finally started realizing what I was trying to tell her. I didn't want to tell her about my girlfriend because my mom is unpredictable; I don't want her to find where she works, lives, etc. So I told my mom I'm gay and that I could never be with a man. The thing is, I'm not gay, I'm bi, but last time I told her I was bi all she could cling to was that I had a choice to be with a guy. Well, same thing happened this time - she brought up me dating guys in the past and said how she knew I wasn't born this way. She was upset but calm and mostly civil. She started saying how if this is what I choose, I will never be happy and that I will ruin my family's lives. Since then, I've talked to her on the phone every day and she's been serious and short. She did tell me at one point that she will always love me and would never "be against me". I thought, okay maybe I can move forward and eventually she will just have to accept it. I went to see her today for the first time since "coming out" and she acted like nothing ever happened. Granted, her fiancée was home and she would never tell him what had happened. But she randomly mentioned how she had talked to a family member and told them that I'm still single and looking, haven't found the right GUY yet. I was shocked.

A lot is going through my mind right now. I'm angry but I'm also afraid. I know that I'll have to eventually go see her when her fiancée isn't home and this conversation will be brought up again. It took an insane amount of courage and time for me to tell her, yet again, that I do not want to be with a guy and it looks like I will have to do it once again but this time in person. I don't know why I'm so scared, she can't do anything to me. I guess to this day, I'm still traumatized from what happened 10 years ago. She wouldn't get violent or hit me because she knows I would stay away from her after that. I just don't know what to do from here because I STILL do have to tell her at some point that I have a girlfriend and I can't stop worrying about it. I don't know how this will end but I keep in mind that there are those out there who have worse coming out experiences. All I know is that at this point, I would be grateful if my mom just didn't want to speak to me anymore. It would hurt for sure, but at least I would have a piece of mind knowing there's nothing to be afraid of and I won't have to spend the next several months or years listening to insults, lectures, and manipulations.

So that's my coming out story and why it's still happening. Thank you for reading this super long post and I apologize that it's more of a rant than a good story. I am looking forward to reading other people's stories.

 

Thank you azzi. I guess the reason I have to keep repeating myself is because each time I have tried to come out, she has slowly manipulated me into backing down and giving up. Even now after how she reacted by pretending it never happened and acting all nice, I feel myself being weak and wanting to give up. She lives two minutes from me and I think living so close doesn't help. If I decided to tell her to leave me alone until she accepts me, she could literally drive to my house. Things would be so much easier if I lived on the other side of the country.