Needing advice

I've been reading a lot of the posts on here tonight, and I wish I'd found this site sooner. All of the stories on here have been proper helpful already! It's been like a comforting kind of therapy.

My story in a nutshell is that I'm gay, but haven't told anyone, in my personal life. I'm struggling with it for many different reasons, I think. I'm looking for some sort of guidance.

As far as experience goes, I will admit I have used online sites and apps in the past to meet up with guys - when I've been very horny - which I know I'm sure isn't great for me and this whole situation, but yeah...

I'm Matt, 25 years old, moved around a bit over the last 6 years or so. I have a decent friendship circle around me; there are a lot of people in my life that I love and make time for, all over the country. I've never found it that difficult making friends all round to be honest, which is great. I stay busy most of the time... with work, visiting people, just doing things in general. I think I'm a decent guy, bit of a hippie, fun to get pissed with, very accommodating and always friendly and accepting of everyone.

I do however have this big burden that I've carried for at least 8 years now (Since I was aware of the way my sexuality was developing), and over the last year and half I have been really, really struggling with it. Around 3/4 months ago, I had a very dark spell of depression - to the point I was seriously considering suicide. This was the worst it had been since I'd been struggling. I even started to look into ways in which to do it - which kinda scares me now! (Our brains are bloody powerful things!) I have no idea why I struggle with it as much as I do. I'm sure I've just been massively over thinking everything. My mind literally works a mile a minute, and I always end up at the most horrific scenario for any situation I start to construct in my head. I know some of my friends in a mixture of friendship groups have noticed this change in me. I've started to avoid a lot of friends more and more - I'm getting increasingly anxious of it coming up in conversation and hate having to avoid it all the time. Again, I have no idea why I'm struggling so much, and why now? Seeing as I've dealt with the problem for as long as I can remember.

Some of the reasons I have, that stop me telling people, are my family. I was raised, quite fiercely Christian. I get along with my Mum well and I know she'll be fine with it, and understand. However, I also have a very aggressive, homophobic brother and a Dad of which I know will never accept it. Weird dynamic, I know. There's a few problems here as I don't want to lose my family but I don't want to have to keep lying to them but I also don't want any of the problems between themselves to occur (which will) when they do, eventually know. I also kinda think that may just be the end of it for my Dad and brother, which makes me sad.

Luckily I haven't lived with my parents for years now... so the whole "You're kicked out" danger isn't there. I live with 2 really good male pals that I've known for years. Where I live and work, I'm not overly worried about. The area I'm in is fairly accepting of anyone and everyone.

Another reason is the fact I'm scared that people will think I've been lying to them for so long, and won't trust me again. I'm also worried that I'm going to be slapped with a label which I don't want. And then all of the obvious reasons like, people treating me differently, abuse etc. I've heard lots of homophobic comments in my life, said by friends as well as strangers. I guess I'm just really afraid of what my life will be like after people know, as it's a lifestyle I've rarely seen or known for some reason.

Other hurdles have been previous bosses and their attitudes/general derogatory comments which have added to that fear.

I usually just bat off any comments about why I don't have a girlfriend etc - those kinds of questions - although no one really ever asks me to be honest - it's a rare thing. And when I'm kinda forced to talk about it, I just have to make something up. I kind of pull a face which says, awkward topic, move on. The "face" has actually been pointed out, before, which is funny.

I'm actually pretty heavily convinced that some of my friends strongly suspect I'm gay, and are just waiting for me to Come Out. They almost definitely talk about it between themselves, I've heard them mention certain things at times but then, that begs the questions - why isn't anyone asking me what's wrong, to me? Does the fact they haven't said anything mean they don't agree with it? Do I just look like a massive idiot who can't admit something to himself, or what? This is another big reason for me, because I think they'll think that I'm weak, or being too weird about it. Or am I just paranoid?! Any advice at all, to be less anxious about all this, would be amazing.

These are the kind of questions that have been bothering me lately, keeping me up all night, stressing out. I guess I'm just really lonely. I just want to be able to talk about this part of my life normally, like everyone else gets to. It's such a massive part of my life that I've never shared with anyone, properly.

I think I need some advice on where to start. I'm worried after telling someone, I'm going to get really panicky about anyone else knowing. I feel like I need to explain to everyone why/how I've been feeling about it all, first; is that a common thing to feel? I want to stop feeling so depressed and anxious - it really is getting very hard for me at times, now. I really don't know how much longer I can go on pretending for.

I've basically just brain dumped on here but it actually feels amazing to just write it all down!

Anyone else been through this kinda thing? Got any experiential advice? Or just some wise words, I'd love to here 'em!

Thanks in advance to any responses, looking forward to them!
Much love

 

Thanks for the comments, everyone. It's nice to know other people understand it all! I feel like we get such a bad rep and for literally, no reason. I sometimes feel like a coward for not saying anything because I know people like you guys are dealing with worse scenarios than me, and have still managed to be brave and do it. It's not even in my character, I'm usually the one to speak first or start the conversation off so it's really weird for me to have such a strong fear. I need to go about dealing with it in some way - this forum is already helping though, so thank you!

I know eventually, I'll have to just get over it and get on with my life because I know I'll end up regretting it if I don't. I do know I am gay, so I don't think the problem is coming to terms with it. I think it's mostly psychological; I have such a strong fear of people knowing and fearing the worst scenario, despite the fact it's actually completely irrational. I'm just generally worried about my mental health too, to be honest. It really is crippling at times and I think it's kinda the main cause, of it all. Like I say, I just want to feel happy again.

I do think that the first step is telling someone; I think I would feel a lot better if I at least had someone to talk with about it. I'm pretty sure I know who's going first which is good. He's a really good pal, I've told him loads of stuff in the past so I trust him and I know he'll understand, but I don't really know where to start.

How do I actually go about explaining all of this? It's such a massive deal for me. I feel like I need to have a bloody notebook with me or something! Which would look quite ridiculous!

 

Cheers guys, these posts are making me feel so much better. I really do feel completely alone in all this sometimes... so just knowing that I'm actually not is really helpful!

I think you're right... we're all different, we all have a different story and we all want a happy ending. Some of us have a longer journey I guess.

I have definitely struggled with accepting it. I wish I was okay with being gay, but I know if it was ever possible to not be, I would be straight every time. This kinda makes it hard for me to come to terms with, because it's like I truly can't be happy being gay. Since posting this thread and reading the comments, I already like I've at least started the process of accepting it.

I think I spend about 80% of my time thinking about how I'm going to do it, down to the smallest detail, but I'm wondering if this is the problem? Because realistically, it can't be as stress free as I want it to be. What kinda things do I need to be ready for?

 

I really appreciate your message, Quatscher! Thank you so much!

I really, really relate to your observation. The fear of the unknown emotions i'll experience are a massive factor. I have nothing to reference. I often have the same thought along the lines of 'All the evidence suggests that the outcome will be negative... so why induce it?'. I then tend to deeply analyse all of my friends. I often think, 'Are they religious? What do their family think of gay people? Do they have any gay friends? When the evidence isn't there to support a positive reaction, I decide in that moment, that it's not worth it. Why suffer? Why put myself through it? This is usually where I fall flat. I know that this doesn't solve the problem for me. I'm avoiding this negative outcome and I haven't been able to overcome this barrier, yet. The intense depression I've had over the last year has only escalated because my brain decided the only solution was kind of a final one. Luckily, I am aware that this is not the way I truly feel - I could never be that ungrateful and selfish to my friends and family; and ultimately, I do love life and want to experience it to it's fullest. It's the most frustrating combination of feelings!

I think you're right, it's these deep grooves that won't seem to heal. I'm struggling to forget all of the things I've heard my friends and family say. I really hate it. I am a very forgiving person, but a huge part of me feels very unloved and let down by the way they've made me feel over the years - and I can't seem to let go of this.

People often describe me as being very accommodating. I am at work, home, with my friends - with everyone. I always try to help people whenever they need it and I am happy to do so! A lot of people come to me for things, I think this part of my personality is also stopping me - because I don't want to piss anybody off, basically. I'm afraid people will think I'm selfish for not considering this - my father will be the worst - he is the kind of man that will try to make me go to church; to get it sorted. My brother is just a good old fashioned homophobe, he's not religious at all. My family are a cooking pot of conflicting, strong personalities and opinions - myself included. I air on the liberal side, "we need to eat less meat to save the planet" kind of stand point. The others focus their attention on, in my opinion, rather backward, ignorant thinking and aggressive solutions to the worlds problems. I've even seen this echoed across some of my friends; I've had some rather ridiculous debates with them in the past. Even though they live 200 miles away, it still bothers me that I know this is how they feel.

I am desperate to take some of this weight off my back; I want to try and make a goal. At least, tell my best mate before the end of the year. I'm feeling fairly confident I can do that if I build up enough courage. At this moment, the thought is really scary. This fear is so annoying because I know he'll understand and just tell me I'm being ridiculous for being afraid to talk to him about it. I really hope I can do it, soon!

Since this post on EC, it's given me the chance to really analyse all of these thoughts, properly. It's felt really easy opening up to you all (which is pretty cool for me)! I really can't thank you enough for all of your messages, so far. It's the first time I've ever felt like I've made any progress with this and it's already feeling great!



Much love x

 

So there has been a development that I want to share with you all...

I've had a heart to heart with my Mom - I ended up telling her. It went fairly well; she got quite upset because I explained how depressed I'd been and pretty much covered everything else, too. She was very understanding, to be honest. It suddenly became very easy to talk and - in the moment - it felt quite positive.

I kind of reached a breaking point and was so desperate to talk to someone about it all. This forum has definitely given me the courage to tell someone in person, properly, so thanks again.

The thing is... I now feel so strange. I can't tell if it's a good feeling being blanketed with an overwhelming sense of apprehension... or the usual fear that I'm used to feeling. I think im just worrying about what the future might hold.

She has already tried to encourage me to talk to my friends, but with the way I feel now, I'm not sure I can. I'm hoping that it will eventually become easy to talk about.

I'm not really sure how I'm meant to process this experience. Has anyone else felt like this just after telling someone, before?

 

Hey adh97,

Thanks for your comment!

I think we're at very similar stages, yeah. I completely understand the fear of friends acting differently. I think a big hold back for me is that these particular friends are - in my mind - the most likely to change. I'm feeling closer and closer to telling them, everyday. The longer you spend assessing yourself, positively, definitely helps! I've been trying to keep telling myself that there is absolutely nothing wrong with it; it's a cultural thing; it's ultimately about trying to change that culture. We can't have that effect unless we're brave and educate the world, I guess?

 

Also, I'm trying to send you a personal message! It's not working from my end, so if you're still keen to chat, give us a shout!

 

Hey resu,

Thanks for your message!

Yeah, I really want to keep the ball moving! I felt significantly happier after telling my mom; we've talked about it a lot since then and it's been hugely therapeutic, if anything.

I'm trying my hardest to be brave; it's hard to shake the fear I've lived with for so long. I really feel that, recently, I've made steep progress. I've been feeling far better about everything. I'm hoping I'm close to some sort of epiphany!

I think I need to have more LGBT people in my life - what makes it harder is that I haven't got any real clue of what it's like to live as a gay man - It's been so shrouded in negativity, for me. It's great having uplifting and promising comments like yours, so thank you!

One of the problems I'm always circling back to is that 'coming out' essentially means: telling my friends that I've spent 8 years lying to them. It's holding me back, loads! I'm worried they won't see me the same. Hence, my previous comment about wanting that time to explain everything, afterwards. I did with my mom and it took 4 hours! This then makes it hard to pinpoint times to tell people. I also, ideally, want to have one-on-one conversations... so many factors!

Is this a normal thing to be worried about? I'm not really sure how to deal with it. I guess I can't create a perfect 'coming out' situation.