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Needing advice

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by Matt0612, Nov 15, 2017 at 12:40 AM.

  1. Matt0612

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    I've been reading a lot of the posts on here tonight, and I wish I'd found this site sooner. All of the stories on here have been proper helpful already! It's been like a comforting kind of therapy.

    My story in a nutshell is that I'm gay, but haven't told anyone, in my personal life. I'm struggling with it for many different reasons, I think. I'm looking for some sort of guidance.

    As far as experience goes, I will admit I have used online sites and apps in the past to meet up with guys - when I've been very horny - which I know I'm sure isn't great for me and this whole situation, but yeah...

    I'm Matt, 25 years old, moved around a bit over the last 6 years or so. I have a decent friendship circle around me; there are a lot of people in my life that I love and make time for, all over the country. I've never found it that difficult making friends all round to be honest, which is great. I stay busy most of the time... with work, visiting people, just doing things in general. I think I'm a decent guy, bit of a hippie, fun to get pissed with, very accommodating and always friendly and accepting of everyone.

    I do however have this big burden that I've carried for at least 8 years now (Since I was aware of the way my sexuality was developing), and over the last year and half I have been really, really struggling with it. Around 3/4 months ago, I had a very dark spell of depression - to the point I was seriously considering suicide. This was the worst it had been since I'd been struggling. I even started to look into ways in which to do it - which kinda scares me now! (Our brains are bloody powerful things!) I have no idea why I struggle with it as much as I do. I'm sure I've just been massively over thinking everything. My mind literally works a mile a minute, and I always end up at the most horrific scenario for any situation I start to construct in my head. I know some of my friends in a mixture of friendship groups have noticed this change in me. I've started to avoid a lot of friends more and more - I'm getting increasingly anxious of it coming up in conversation and hate having to avoid it all the time. Again, I have no idea why I'm struggling so much, and why now? Seeing as I've dealt with the problem for as long as I can remember.

    Some of the reasons I have, that stop me telling people, are my family. I was raised, quite fiercely Christian. I get along with my Mum well and I know she'll be fine with it, and understand. However, I also have a very aggressive, homophobic brother and a Dad of which I know will never accept it. Weird dynamic, I know. There's a few problems here as I don't want to lose my family but I don't want to have to keep lying to them but I also don't want any of the problems between themselves to occur (which will) when they do, eventually know. I also kinda think that may just be the end of it for my Dad and brother, which makes me sad.

    Luckily I haven't lived with my parents for years now... so the whole "You're kicked out" danger isn't there. I live with 2 really good male pals that I've known for years. Where I live and work, I'm not overly worried about. The area I'm in is fairly accepting of anyone and everyone.

    Another reason is the fact I'm scared that people will think I've been lying to them for so long, and won't trust me again. I'm also worried that I'm going to be slapped with a label which I don't want. And then all of the obvious reasons like, people treating me differently, abuse etc. I've heard lots of homophobic comments in my life, said by friends as well as strangers. I guess I'm just really afraid of what my life will be like after people know, as it's a lifestyle I've rarely seen or known for some reason.

    Other hurdles have been previous bosses and their attitudes/general derogatory comments which have added to that fear.

    I usually just bat off any comments about why I don't have a girlfriend etc - those kinds of questions - although no one really ever asks me to be honest - it's a rare thing. And when I'm kinda forced to talk about it, I just have to make something up. I kind of pull a face which says, awkward topic, move on. The "face" has actually been pointed out, before, which is funny.

    I'm actually pretty heavily convinced that some of my friends strongly suspect I'm gay, and are just waiting for me to Come Out. They almost definitely talk about it between themselves, I've heard them mention certain things at times but then, that begs the questions - why isn't anyone asking me what's wrong, to me? Does the fact they haven't said anything mean they don't agree with it? Do I just look like a massive idiot who can't admit something to himself, or what? This is another big reason for me, because I think they'll think that I'm weak, or being too weird about it. Or am I just paranoid?! Any advice at all, to be less anxious about all this, would be amazing.

    These are the kind of questions that have been bothering me lately, keeping me up all night, stressing out. I guess I'm just really lonely. I just want to be able to talk about this part of my life normally, like everyone else gets to. It's such a massive part of my life that I've never shared with anyone, properly.

    I think I need some advice on where to start. I'm worried after telling someone, I'm going to get really panicky about anyone else knowing. I feel like I need to explain to everyone why/how I've been feeling about it all, first; is that a common thing to feel? I want to stop feeling so depressed and anxious - it really is getting very hard for me at times, now. I really don't know how much longer I can go on pretending for.

    I've basically just brain dumped on here but it actually feels amazing to just write it all down!

    Anyone else been through this kinda thing? Got any experiential advice? Or just some wise words, I'd love to here 'em!

    Thanks in advance to any responses, looking forward to them!
    Much love
     
  2. dannyway23

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    Hi Matt. I think you and I have the same situation. I too was very depressed but thankfully I came out of it. Don't overthink Matt. Truly accept the fact that you're gay. Embrace it. From your explanation, I assume that you're not ready to come out at all. Take all the time you need. Stop blaming yourself. This is who you are. Plus, it isn't necessary to come out if you're not ready. Don't pressure yourself. I think you need to surround yourself with the LGBT community and this happens to be a great place. We'll will be always here to support you.
     
  3. spaceintime2032

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    I was really religious christian from seventeen till like 26 but don’t come from overly religious family. I become religious to find a community because I was lonely with having atypical Autism no friends and it was at the same time I got Psychosis and I hated the fact I had gay feelings and use to read the bible and hated anything gay it did damage to me. And now I have ocd which is around been gay a lot of the time but not all gay ocd. I am slowly overcoming some ocd rituals and accepting I am gay but there still some self hating because I am gay .It's to do with the fact I see family condemn gay people when they see them on tv they say their gay ho turn it off. My mother knows I see a friend which I assure is a friend even though he is not to me. I feel mad and sad with depression sometimes that I can’t just say I am gay. It feels like I after to hide who I am, straight people don’t . I can’t imagine doing it for ever not even a year. Don't know the reaction of my father he is old and all I seem to do is argue with him don’t really talk and when we do it all ways ends with arguing.
     
  4. Markieg64

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    Hi Matt
    I' m sorry to here you have been feeling that depressed over being gay and wanting to comitte suicide that you don' want to do we all know how your feeling
    I would not say I'm an expert on this subject because I'm new to all this as well
    I' gay and I have not come out to anybody
    But what I will say is you have got to come to terms with being gay and embrace it
    That is who you are don' rush it .

    And once you have then you can think about coming out , but you don't have to if you don't want it is entily up to you .
    Just come on ec and talk to other people on here it will help there all freindly on ec
     
  5. Lexa

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    I think a lot of us have been through this kinda thing.
     
  6. Matt0612

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    Thanks for the comments, everyone. It's nice to know other people understand it all! I feel like we get such a bad rep and for literally, no reason. I sometimes feel like a coward for not saying anything because I know people like you guys are dealing with worse scenarios than me, and have still managed to be brave and do it. It's not even in my character, I'm usually the one to speak first or start the conversation off so it's really weird for me to have such a strong fear. I need to go about dealing with it in some way - this forum is already helping though, so thank you!

    I know eventually, I'll have to just get over it and get on with my life because I know I'll end up regretting it if I don't. I do know I am gay, so I don't think the problem is coming to terms with it. I think it's mostly psychological; I have such a strong fear of people knowing and fearing the worst scenario, despite the fact it's actually completely irrational. I'm just generally worried about my mental health too, to be honest. It really is crippling at times and I think it's kinda the main cause, of it all. Like I say, I just want to feel happy again.

    I do think that the first step is telling someone; I think I would feel a lot better if I at least had someone to talk with about it. I'm pretty sure I know who's going first which is good. He's a really good pal, I've told him loads of stuff in the past so I trust him and I know he'll understand, but I don't really know where to start.

    How do I actually go about explaining all of this? It's such a massive deal for me. I feel like I need to have a bloody notebook with me or something! Which would look quite ridiculous! :rolling_eyes:
     
  7. Biguy45

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    I completely understand. I’ve recently realized I’m bi and I’m not out. I may never be, but I understand some of the turmoil you are feeling. I admit it has been much less stressful for me, but not free of stress
     
  8. Lexa

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    As my gay colleague recently said to me: there is a difference between knowing and accepting (so true!).
     
  9. Lexa

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    By the way, I don't think I'm dealing with worse scenarios. Like you, I live in an LGBT friendly country. But it still took me until I was 35 to come out. My mind played tricks on me, I thought I was in a phase for years. Anyway, it's a learning process, learning to be unapologetically yourself after years of hiding. I'm still in the middle of it too :slight_smile: . You live in a great place to be LGBT, at least that's what I've heard, so yeah, it could definitely be worse but that doesn't make it easy :wink: .
     
  10. LukasNYC

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    I am not out yet, and I am 26 years old. I do think that everyone has a different story to tell. I just recently accepted the fact that I am gay and it took a long time to do so. I don't care much about what people think (I never had a girlfriend in my life either). It is important to understand that everyone is different. If for you (for us) the moment has not been arrived yet we wait until we are not ready to do so. Coming out is a special moment, I think, and it is better to wait and think about it rather than regretting our decisions.
     
  11. Markieg64

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    Hi Matt
    Don't think your alone in your feelings
    We all know were your coming from if you start feeling depressed because you can' bring yourself to tell some just come on here were all here to listen and offer our support chin up mate