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Need Some Support and Advice!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by brodyman, Apr 8, 2011.

  1. brodyman

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    I don't know, I go to an all-boys private Catholic Highschool. I'm a freshman there, I have also been in the closet gay since I was around ten. For a long time, I really put up a fight and kept trying to tell myself it was just a stage. But I guess I knew it from the beginning. I am also a devout Christian (Don't give me all that anti-gay Christian spheel, I here enough about it as it is). I do think of myself as a bit of a mature Freshman but that might account to me being held back a year in Kindergarden (I was the youngest in the class back then but after being held back I was one of the oldest).

    My name is Brody, by the way, and I love my highschool because it truly is a "brotherhood" there. We are all so tight with each other it is the best enviroment for any boy to be in. Problem is it might not be the best enviroment for a gay kid. My high school is known for its rigorous (and I mean damn rigorous) academics and we are quite the athletic school; winning state 5A champs in soccer, swimming,football, basketball, and hockey. But back to my problem, I am a freshman who starts on the varsity football team as a quarterback. I, myself, am very athletic and I take part in many other varsity sports (wrestling, soccer, swimming, lax). I'm good on the grades too; I have a few honors courses and I'll be taking an AP course my sophomore year. I have already lead my highschool to one state championship (We didn't win though but we got there!) and I love my school.

    But here is part of the real problem, when I was 12 I told my older brother who was 18 at the time that I thought I possibly could be gay. It had taken me alot of courage and hardwork and just anxiety to do that. He was such a great older brother and pretty much my fatherly figure do to the fact that my father works all the time and is a Colonel in the U.S. Marine Corps. My brother had been my coach, mentor, hell even math tutor up until then. We were pretty tight with each other. He was also an athlete like me and pretty much an example throughout my life. So he was the first one I told. He was going into college that year and had received a athletic scholarship, which I was just awed at. He took it really well when I told him, but he went off to college. Halfway through college he started having some problems mentally and ended up coming back home because he just couldn't deal with things anymore. As time went by the situation got worse and worse and worse. He just became more unstable and was diagnosed with Bi-polar and Schizophrenia. When purscription drugs didn't work he turned to substance abuse and had to go to rehab. He would constantly be fighting with my mom and trying to forge checks and all types of shit. But all through the time when he would see things he would always be trying to "protect" me from those things. Eventually after two years, he committed suicide. He was the only person I ever told about me being gay and ever since he went downhil we never really talked about it. The whole ordeal really killed my family, who had been a normal church-going family and raised happily ever since I can remember. It tore my mom apart and I'm always afraid for her

    The problem is alot of people consider me a leader. I have a talent with speech and I even made it to nationals for a speech tournament. As a Quarterback or just in general a captain of the team it is my job to be a leader. I can't stress that enough, I got people who think I'm on the way to becoming a future governor or senator or hell maybe even an NFL player if I don't get any injuries along the way. But it tears me, completely tears me that despites all of what I've been given, I have to completely block out a side of me.

    I'm a good lier (politician) and I have put up an act that I am the most virtous christian follower for years. I love my faith but at the same time it holds me back. There is no fucking way I would ever be allowed to come out or even so much get close to a man as long as I keep going down the leader path. There is no way I could come out as Gay and get out there and lead a varsity football especially since I'm already just a freshman. And it sucks when I am around TONS and TONS of guys who I'd love to hook up with and its even harder when Im in the locker room.

    I'm sorry aout my ranting but the whole situation is really killing me, I'm so far into it I have no fucking clue what to do. I don't know if I want to ever come out to someone again. I am no longer sleeping and I am on a low dose of medicine to help me sleep. I don't eat right anymore, I've pretty much stopped exercising, and I am always just not there. I also have missed so much school that my grades are really down to c's and d's which is just not acceptable to the school I'm in. I'm sorry for the spelling mistakes too. I guess I'm just looking for support or advice. :bang:
     
  2. Pepsi

    Pepsi Guest

    This might be the most interesting story I've read on here in the three years I've been on here. I'm very sorry about your brother. You are clearly very mature for a fifteen year old. In fact I'd be willing to wager that you are more mature then most people I know closer to my age. It is great that you can accept your sexuality and still hold on to your faith, a lot of people can't, non heterosexuals rather.

    Now, you have an issue. Correct me if I'm wrong but keeping in your homosexuality seems to be affecting you physically and the situation with your brother is surely not helping. I can only imagine that coming out in an all boys catholic school could be terrifying. What about your mother though? Not coming out ever is a really bad idea. Holding that in can lead to a vast array of physiological problems.

    You should try finding someone to talk to. A school counselor or maybe ask your mom if she can help you find someone to talk to. Letting out emotions is really a great way to deal with them a lot of the time. It might be great help.

    In any case you've made a great step by coming here. This is a great place where there are a lot of awesome people and there is almost always someone to listen. You cearly have a lot of potential. You shouldn't let being gay change that at all.
     
  3. roborama

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    well its seems as though youve come to the right place, it is the support and advice part of the site ahaha (sorry im a bit snarky today)

    but anyways, it sounds as if youre already having a hard time:frowning2: and i really think coming out (at least at school) at this time would make it more difficult. but you really NEED people to talk to about this part of yourself that get it so im very glad you wound up here. im not saying not to tell someone close to you im just warning you that the results may be really hard to deal with especially if they take it badly

    its really unfortunate you no longer have your brother, he seems to mean a lot to you and from what you said it doesnt seem as though hed judge you too badly.

    one day this will get better. the school youre in and the responsibilities to sports and family are huge at this time in your life; but it wont always be as such. even in three years when you leave high school and go to college (if thats what you want to do haha) your whole life will be different.

    and that little religion comment in there (yeah i saw it), no matter what people tell you theres always a way to make your christianity mesh with your sexuality. and being as what i can see a religious person know that what youre going through is part of the life you are supposed to live and God loves you.

    about those guys; to be completly honest theres not much you can do. by all means look but i really dont want to being bashed or worse. but hey, maybe one will come to you, you never know:slight_smile:

    so hang in there, its hard. but dont give up the things you love over the difficulties of being gay. knowledge is the only true power so try to suck it up and study, and like i said when youre feeling really low you can come here. and exercising is vital to sports and you know that and it also boosts the levels of neurotransmitters that make you happy:slight_smile:

    hang in there, people love you and care about you; it really will get better

    ---------- Post added 8th Apr 2011 at 03:33 PM ----------

    and oh yes i forgot this little fact, i just meant it might not be best right now:slight_smile: one day youll need to when youre ready
     
  4. jrnewton2

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    Wow. Except for the fact that you sound much more coordinated than I have ever been, this could have been my story two years ago if you tweaked a few details.

    Right now, it seems impossible. All that pressure from yourself, from your religion, from your family, and from your friends is trying to crush who you know you are. But who you are is the only thing in your life that is going to be a constant. Since the time I was a freshman, I left my Christian school, found entirely new friends, abandoned my religious beliefs, and finally came out. I can't say what will happen for you in the next two years, but the only thing I can guarantee is that two years from now you will still be gay, and if you are still lying to the world about who you are it will still be making you just as unhappy as it is right now.

    Of course, there's no need to rush. I didn't come out until the middle of my junior year, because I wasn't ready to until then. You might be ready this year, or it might take you longer. What you should do in the meantime is stay true to yourself on the inside, and on the outside keep working to be the awesome person that your post has pretty much convinced me you are. Work your tail off to bring your grades back up, find the best friends you can, and by the time you come out you'll hopefully have true friends who will accept you and an awesome future waiting for you in college.

    The next three years are going to come and go and they might be pretty tough. High school isn't easy for gay kids in conservative areas, especially ones like us who grew up in church. But they will end, and afterwards we get to take control of our lives. In the meantime, do what you have to in order to stay sane and, hopefully, happy, and most importantly focus on creating a better future for yourself. And the whole time remember that there are people like me and everyone else on this site who will stand by you the best we can through anything. And now I'll stop before I wax toooo sentimental haha
     
  5. brodyman

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    Thanks for all the support and advice so far! Your absolutely right, it is affecting me physically. sometimes i even feel that i caused the problem with my brother. As for my mother, this whole incident with my brother has literally wreked her. I would just hate to push this on her. I know I will have to come out eventually but i just don't know what to do. Plus on top of this all I'm still deeling with the grief of my brothers suicide. As for my faith, I'm still working that one out with God... but I do know it will be worked out.


    But I just don't know how I could first off mantain being a leader on the field and in the lockeroom if i was labelled gay. What straight boy would like a gay boy in their lockeroom? The situation is jus so freakin complicated.
     
  6. jrnewton2

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    Things always take time. Nothing is going to work out immediately. You don't have to tell your mom in the middle of her grieving, and you have a whole lifetime to decide about your opinion on whichever God or gods may be, which you can feel free to talk to me about since I went on the same journey.

    As to the locker room, a lot of that will be determined by your attitude. It sounds like this is gonna be something new for your school, so if you make it a problem then it definitely will be one. I dunno, do you have any close friends on the team you can trust? If you can talk to someone in the situation about it, they'll be more insightful than I can be.
     
  7. brodyman

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    It is something that is absolutely new to my school, I've asked around suttlely of course and according to others there has only been one other gay person that came out over the past 7 years. He was in the background though and really didn't take part in a whole lot of school activities. It went over pretty well with him and most people accepted him for who he was. As for the team, there might be one or two upper classmen that I would trust but I have only known these guys for 6 months, being I'm a freshman. Were tight but not quite there yet. i can't quite gage what there reaction would be though.
     
  8. MoDude

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    Brody, I wish you the best of luck. Everything will work out for you, even though it doesn't seem like it buddy.
     
  9. brodyman

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    Thanks man, sometimes the support is just as good as the advice.
     
  10. Revan

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    I'm not sure really what to say, it's late so I don't think I could provide good enough advice but I do have to give you this. (*hug*) I'm very sorry about your brother, I was touched by suicide when a dear friend took his life, you're extremely brave and you seem very mature about everything but I'm sorry that you've gone through that. I hope everything will work itself out :slight_smile: Remember, everyone here at EC is here for you :slight_smile:
     
  11. brodyman

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    Revan Thanks, a whole lot of my sleeping problem is also due to the grief I'm experiencing from my brother's death. It sometimes sucks but it's always comforting to know that there is always some one out there. :slight_smile:
     
  12. limfjord96

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    hey man,

    Take it from me, you will be ok, to be cliche, it really does get better. I was all state soccer in High School, straight A student one of five boys and all my brothers are all jockss too and ladies men, and i grew up next to idaho in one of the most conservative places you can think of. Needless to say i was in the closet for so long and supressed not just my homosexuality but all sexuality until i was 27. You can pretty much follow my entire coming out process on here, EC i can say literally saved my life, So you have made a good start in coming here. But honestly i dont regret waiting so long really, i thought i did but all the years in the closet still are a part of me, and now i am true to myself and happier then ever and even educating people that have no clue, its very hard for people to believe i am gay, so i take it upon myself to help them see that i am not a gay man, i am just a man, that happens to be gay.

    But what you need to do is not hide from yourself, you sound like you have recognized that you are gay, but havent accepted it yet. You actually sound a lot like i did. Just find some one to talk to, even if it is on here, you need to let out all the confusing details that are going on in your head one way or another, you, like me, have always done that in athletics, but it sounds now that that isnt enough anymore. So find some one to talk to. You dont have to come out again, but you should, and with each person you share your life with you will gain confidence to fully live the life you deserve. High School is a very small insignificant part of your life trust me, college will be bigger, graduation even bigger, and you will always grow, and the people around you will grow either with you or apart from you, that is life. But the more you bottle it up and hide from it, the more you will grow apart from yourself. Sounds stupidly dramatic right? but its true. So good job on coming on here and asking for help. Dont worry about hooking up and all that nonsense, i was a virgin until 27, and believe me i am still an emotional nut job. Focus on school, and athletics and the now, and then you can move on to college and become more open if you choose. You are so young with so much time ahead, dont be in a hurry. you can always message me, i have been through what youre going through. I am very happy now and i owe a lot of that to EC. Good luck, stay strong.
     
  13. brodyman

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    Thanks for the post man, sometimes it just good to know that there are athletes out there that have gone through what I'm going through. I will definitely send you a message somewhere down the line! Alot of insight in your post, again thanks.
     
  14. limfjord96

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    Anytime buddy I got lots of advice to give now only if I took some lol
     
  15. zeratul

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    What is the legacy of a leader if that person did nothing new, just the head of a pack of birds behind another pack of birds?

    If you truly want to lead, then be a breath of fresh air and be that force to be reckoned with.
     
  16. brodyman

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    Lol, I have a question though. How did you manage to get around the lockerroom as an athlete? So far I just try to be the last person in there and the last person out. It has worked somewhat but I don't know; it typically makes me late to practice. Any thoughts?

    I know and I have thought alot about that, sometimes thats what I hate about being a leader is you stick out and typically it's pretty lonely out there. It is something I'm always thinking about but a leader can just as easily get shot down as he can fly.
     
  17. Ethan

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    So you already are a leader. I would say for the rest of this year, gain respect. Get back on your feet, build up strength. If you're up to it, maybe you could start the process as early as next year. If your peers already respect you and know who you are and what you do, I have a feeling everything would work out. You may have to reassure them that you're the same person, but in turn if someone else who is closeted and respects you sees you, maybe they could find the strength to be true to themselves too.
     
  18. limfjord96

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    oh tough one lol. I never had that problem really, i mean i sure as hell looked all the time, but most guys look at what other guys are packin lol, but i for the most part just looked straight ahead haha, but i never had anyproblems, for whatever reasoni can sparate the two, but having a photographic memory made for some amazing fantasies haha, youll be fine, just dont over analyze it, bc the more you do the more likely youll have an issue, its like not trying to think of a pink elephant if i tell you not to think of a pink elephant. :wink: or just look at one of the gross offensive linemen :wink:
     
  19. brodyman

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    LOL, thanks for the advice. I will try to do that.
     
  20. Rikudo

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    Damn I feel ya man.

    While I can't say I've had the added emotional problems of losing a loved one. I can say that I feel for you and your struggle with your sexuality and how the people around you will take it. I constantly struggle with accepting my sexuality even nowadays. All I can tell you is that you should focus on the things that you love and that you should plan for the future. I'd tell you that as a freshmen coming out might not be the best thing and that you should build yourself up. Don't let yourself fall into bad habits. When I first started to realize my own sexuality I started doing what you seem to be doing. Skipping HUGE amounts of school days, losing touch with friends and even to a point being heavily depressed. All I can suggest is that perhaps yo bury yourself in your athletics and school work to distract yourself as I did for awhile. It sucks that society is to suck a point where athletes can be out.

    If you ever need to talk man do message me. Having atleast an online outlet to rant to or just talk can be so distressing. As I've found out since joining EC.