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Need some reassurance!

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by NotSureAboutMch, Dec 11, 2016.

  1. NotSureAboutMch

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    Hi all,

    So yesterday I landed on "the answer" to who I am. I am female on the inside. It hit me out of the blue. Wasn't even considering it. I saw this forum, Gender Identity, as I was bouncing around this site. Didn't phase me. I was trying to figure out whether I LIKED men or women. Not whether I AM a man or a woman.
    I've spent less than 24 hours with this revelation. I'm amazingly calm mostly. I'm having a LOT of fantasies about being dressed as a woman out in the world and it feels good. But I'm also REALLY scared. There is SO much judgement in the world. I'm really scared the world will never see the beautiful, caring person I really am. That they will only see a "freak". It's that fear and shame that's kept me away from seeing who I really am.
    So, I'm going to take this all R E A L L Y slowly. I've lived behind this mask for a long time. Just knowing who I am in the inside makes this livable. But, I need to tell one person in the real world. It's a woman I was dating up until last Saturday. She was the first one I've ever told I had sexual orientation questions. She held me all night as I cried. She reassured me that I would be ok. She's helped me a LOT! Also, she has had a 7 year lesbian relationship in the past, so lived within the gay community for a time, if only on the edges. I think she'll be able to handle this. I'm just not sure how I'll feel once I make this real by telling someone. I think relief. I hope. This is so huge and feels so strange I'm not sure what's going on.

    One thing I do know, is I will need all of you in the next few days, weeks, months as I come to terms with this! Thank you all!
     
  2. stoutdriver79

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    We do tend to have these realizations in a set of epiphanies or "AhHa" moments, and we are never fully prepared for it, though. It is important that you do go your pace and try not to let anyone influence you to come out when you aren't ready.

    With me, my inner female is not always at the surface, and some days she is right there and it is a little shocking. Take your time, ask lots of questions and come to your own decisions and don't be so stuck on one label, be flexible and open.
     
  3. AnAtypicalGuy

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    As stoutdriver79 said, take your time in figuring yourself out. We at EC will be happy to help you do that. My advice is don't try to force anything onto yourself; if something's right for you, you will feel it given time. But for now, I wish you all the best in coming to terms with things, as well as coming out.
     
  4. NotSureAboutMch

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    I've been working today. From home, which is good. But just the fact that I'm not a mess right now is really surprising to me. I've done a few little things to explore myself. I shaved the upper part of one leg where no one will see. And looking at the two, I like the shaved one better. Ok, that's me. I'm continuing to have a ribbon tied in a bow under my sock. I did this last night to go to a party. It feels good and is keeping me centered. At this point, I'm not fearing all the life changes in terms of where I will be living in the future or what job I'll have. I'm pretty sure these things will change. I'm not even fearing ridicule from people that don't understand me so much. I've plopped into this understanding of myself. I don't need the validation of others the way I did with the masks I wore. I also recognize I'm really new to all this and my confidence and such will ebb and flow. The one thing that's on my mind though is violence. I've always avoided tough, angry people. They scare me when I look like a guy. Gay is somewhat hide-able. A man in women's clothing is pretty hard to miss. I fear prejudice that actually could get me physically hurt.
    So, I haven't talked to anyone outside these forums about any of this. I head to my friends house in an hour to talk. I'm looking forward to it with a little trepidation. It's a big switch. For me and I imagine for her. She's very supportive though, so I think will be good. She also has some friends in the gay community that I hope will be able to connect me with others like me and help me find a GOOD therapist to work through everything I have coming up. (I, of course, avoided the gay community completely. Way too closeted to be comfortable there.)
     
  5. KitSylph

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    How did the talk go? I hope your friend was supportive, but if not I hope you'll pick another friend to tell.

    I get your point, but as strange as it will feel, perhaps it's worth thinking of yourself as a woman with a body challenge to sort out rather than a man trying to look like a woman. It sounds like you're a woman trying to look like a woman. That seems pretty sane to me.

    I know that dressing out in the world is a daunting thing, but I hope you find a way to be you that feels confident and safe at the same time that it feels unconstrained.
     
  6. NotSureAboutMch

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    The talk went well. She's very supportive. We did get a bit into how she is going to need to figure out how she missed so much in me. That hurts. That my confusion caused her pain.

    My confusion came back with a vengeance today. I kept going down this mental road that all of this gender confusion is a farce. That I'm just rejecting women because I'm scared and trying to be feminine to please a dead schizophrenic mother. Real mind trip. But is it a bigger one than that I don't feel masculine? Don't know. I'm trying to let things be. I've got some contacts coming from my friend. People she knows and trusts in the gay community that she is connecting me with. Hopefully I'll meet some people in the next few days that I can talk to that have been down this road. And this forum too. I've been so supported here. I really appreciate it.
     
  7. NotSureAboutMch

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    I'm struggling with who I am today. I'm writing this all down here because it's important that I'm honest. With myself and with those that have been supporting me.

    I have a lot of doubts right now about my gender confusion. Something this big would have to cause a lot of doubt, right?

    - I'm concerned about entering into the LGBT community. I don't have any connection to it right now. I'm concerned that if I make friends, this confused, people will only support me if I am LGBT. I'm afraid that I'm turning my life upside down right now. And the people that I'm reaching out for support from will only want to support me in one direction. I don't want to make friends and I suppose, disappoint people, if I find LGBT isn't a good fit for me after all.

    - I'm worried that all of this gender questioning is really a deep psychological shield to keep all people at bay. If I can really shock the people in my life, maybe they'll bail on me. Like this is a loyalty test. Through all of this, I've had a really strong desire to tell all my friends and family about all of this, far more than I've wanted to join the gay community and talk to people that are in it. My young years were terrible. I was picked on for basically being weak. I couldn't stand up for myself. I didn't have the tools. I've felt like an undeserving human being all my life. In the last few years I've started to like myself a lot more. But a lot of that was tied to "masculine" actions in my life. Little things, like being in charge of my biking group. "Being in charge" being the main thing. A lot of other things I know are there, but can't put my finger on.

    - I don't get angry with people in my life. Is all this a huge way to avoid conflict in my life? I am the nicest, most gentle, affirming MAN around. I give off a strong sensitive type vibe. People are drawn to me because I'm not a typical asshole male. Especially in dating, I've blown women away by how nice I am. I can feel as I'm doing it, I'm making a bad choice, but it's subtle and I usually don't even see the thing that's annoying me clearly. Am I just sick of being like that? Am I so afraid of expressing anger or not being affirming as a man, I'm pushing myself to be a woman to avoid dealing with this?

    - My mother was schizophrenic. I didn't know it until 4 years after she died. I can kind of see how fractured her mind was, but she died what I was 15 and I had zero support. I didn't cry for 5 years after she died. My dad completely feel apart and relied on me to hold him up and make sense of his world. Am I just tired of holding people up? Is this desire to be a woman just my psyche saying, "Enough! I need to be taken care of now! I need to not BE A MAN. Not have any answers. Not be supportive. Be an asshole. Be selfish!" My job is all me being supportive, nice, understanding, helpful. Am I just tired of being that for everyone?!?!?!?!?!

    - I've always, always, always struggled with not know answers. I want all my answers in a neat package. This, "I'm not a man, I'm a woman" is a BIG package. Is it me scrapping all the confusion of figuring out the subtleties of life for one BIG answer?!?!?!?!?! This one has me particularly scared. I feel sick thinking of working through all the subtleties of life individually.

    That's where I'm at. Feedback would be awesome.
     
  8. KitSylph

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    I think it's a wonderful thing that you're able to talk about these really difficult, frightening things with honesty and a willingness to show your feelings. Good for you.

    About making friends who might then be upset if it turns out you're not the way you're guessing you are, I'd like to suggest just making sure you're not making friends with anyone simply because of your gender identity. It sounds like you need the kind of friends who when you say you're one gender will say "Really? OK, that's cool." and then if you say something different later will say "Oh cool, you're getting to know yourself better. Good for you." So it seems like it's worth being careful if someone seems to be interested in your friendship just because you're trans or what have you. Maybe it would help, if meeting someone this way, to be very expressive that you're in a state of flux, e.g., "I don't know what my gender is, but I think it might be this." Anyway, I hope that goes well. I'm so happy to hear that your friend that you just told was so supportive! I'm glad she was able to share her confusion and concerns with you, too. That seems like a very good sign, even though I feel the same way you do: I hate when my identity makes it harder for someone else. That's probably one reason we both went without fully connecting with our identities for so long.

    About worrying that your gender identity is really a mask for something else, I wonder if it might not be good to focus just on the what and give up on the why. The question isn't how your gender identity formed or what effects it may have in your life: it's whether it's what you honestly feel or not. Have you felt desperately from time to time in your life that you wanted to be the opposite gender? If so, that doesn't sound like something you've contrived for some other reason. If not, it might be worth staying skeptical.

    It seems a lot of us on this forum are in the early days of questioning and figuring things out, so I'm speaking from being in the midst of that rather than from having gottne everything solved. However, I can tell you that every time in my life that I've tried to ignore or suppress the female part of my identity, it has failed and caused anxiety, and that now that I am embracing that part of my identity, everything I'm doing is making me stronger and happier and more at peace and more confident, even though a lot of the things I'm doing are things it terrified me to imagine in the past.

    This might not be the case with me if I didn't have understanding, encouraging people in my life who genuinely care about and support me, though. That seems essential.

    Oh, finally, I have to say I'm dubious that you've chosen a female identity to grapple with in order to avoid or trump other questions or concerns. Having a different gender identity than your body indicates is an enormous amount of trouble, and following through with it requires a singlemindedness and connection with that gender identity that I'd have trouble imagining someone going through if there were absolutely any other way out. Still, you're the one who knows who you are, so don't let my guesses and inferences get in the way.
     
  9. NotSureAboutMch

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    Thanks, KitSylph. All really helpful ideas.

    I have a lot of thoughts running through my head. There is a comfort I feel with letting in the feminine. It takes a LOT of pressure off. That, I think, was the epiphany I had on Saturday. I have made a lot of choices in my life to avoid this though. I remember in my 20s having a really strong desire to be a fashion designer. That felt way too weird for me and I went to engineering school. I don't have any LGBT friends. My friends are all married, couple kids, very conservative. I've always been the quiet liberal in a mix of right-wingers. We don't talk politics, sexuality, or anything LGBT related. I've just been the friend that doesn't date. I've avoided the artsy people and the gay people. I've always been EXTREMELY uncomfortable around gay men. And always rationalized it somehow. Always figured I'd work it out on my own instead of talking about it. So, all this is really new for me. I've had a ton of questions about who I am, but couldn't express it. I've now told three people in my real life that I have sexual orientation questions and one that I have gender questions. And all have been very supportive.

    So, to answer a few of your questions. Have I ever desperately wanted to be the opposite gender? That's a difficult question. I don't remember ever having that thought. I did a few things that in hindsight, lead in that direction. I own the most feminine men's underwear I could find. I have shaved the downstairs for years for more feminine reasons that manscaping, probably. I've watched many tv shows that I never told my friends about, to try to figure things out. Queer as folk, Transparent, Sex in the City. I wanted something to hit me. To see something on screen that answered the questions. But I always walked away from those shows, going, "eh? Didn't really find anything out." I've also had times that I've imagined I was a woman sexually, which felt right and not right. I've never felt satisfied sexually. Not really. It could be that I don't have the right parts. It could be that I've been so in the closet, either with sexual orientation or gender that I couldn't be satisfied. It could also be that I have nerve problems. I have a medical condition that makes this a possibility.

    So, I suppose my path is that I'm now telling people things I've done and thoughts I've had. Perhaps that's the path to figuring ones self out. The friend that I've told all this to has some gay friends she really trusts. She is going to put me in contact, so I'll have people that have lived at least some of this and can relate. And I'll have to face whatever uncomfortable feelings I have avoided being around gay people. That, in itself, will probably answer some questions. In some way facing this challenge feels like feminine courage vs masculine courage. I don't know how to explain that. It's just how it feels.

    -nsam
     
  10. Hats

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    I used to feel uncomfortable around gay men as well, because underneath my denial and everything I knew I wasn’t straight either, and this fact continually prodded at my subconscious (as did the fact I’d dated a gay man but couldn’t admit it and did my damndest to write it off as a bromance). When I was able to accept that I wasn’t straight, I no longer felt threatened or awkward about socialising with gay men and my discomfort went away. I’m not saying this is necessarily the case for you, but it may be worth bearing in mind that your discomfort with them could be caused by discomfort with yourself.
     
  11. NotSureAboutMch

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    Hi all,

    First, Hats, yup. My discomfort is all about me. I know that and will come to terms with it and all of this at some point.

    I've had a quiet day, compared to the hellacious s*&tstorm of emotion the last few weeks have been, anyway.

    I had a thought, that gave me some comfort today.

    I'm going to not change anything about myself for awhile. A few days, a week, a month.

    I'm just going to go through my life, seeing things for awhile. Taking in my reactions to everything. I have this truth inside me now. I understand myself better. Now I need to give myself a break and let my mind come to terms with it all.

    So, I'm going to get my hair cut the way I always do. I'm going to wear the same clothes. I'm going to watch all the tv shows I watch. And just be with all of this.

    I'm not hiding or running away. I'm just going to be, for awhile. Let all of this soak in. Give myself a break. Give myself some comfort. S l o w D o w n.

    I've been going mental thinking about how much I'll be changing. And the truth is, I really don't know how much I'll change. I haven't caught up to this new me yet.

    I'm still good at my job. I'm still a good friend to all the people I know. I'm still a good uncle to my nieces. That's ok, and it won't change even as I change.

    It will be enough to just deal with the 10 - 1000, holy s*&t realizations I'll have each day, just being. Just living. Just seeing myself through new eyes. I've lived 46 years with this really not on my radar. My closets were inside closets, inside closets. That's ok. Opening the doors with the doorknobs instead of a Shining-esque axe is the wise choice. I deserve to respect myself enough to slow down.

    I just hope I can stop pushing myself enough to do this. It's all coming from inside me, this desire to change and be free. It's a really strong feeling sometimes. I don't like to back down from fear. And I'm seeing the fear that's kept me from realizing who I am all these years. So, I'm railing against that. Rightfully so. But, I also know that this is a big ask. A big ask, for me. To accept myself this way. Feminine. A big ask for those that know me as I've been. A big ask for the world that may see me sometime in the future, a man that's really a woman. If I'm not settled, loving, ok, centered with this, all the external social situations will be MUCH harder and have the potential to go badly for all involved. So, I need to s l o w d o w n and accept me. Love me. As I am. Feminine. And masculine. Both. Neither. Confused and centered. But me.
     
  12. StormyVale

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    What you said is exactly the advice I would give you.

    I had a similar epiphany about being bigender and I waited a while and sat with it before doing anything. It is really about learning to love yourself with whatever gender you identify with and whatever sexual/romantic orientation you may be.
     
  13. KitSylph

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    I can't add anything, NotSure, but it sounds like you've found the eye of the storm, and that's encouraging! I'm looking forward to hearing what happens next for you, whether it's later today or months from now.
     
  14. NotSureAboutMch

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    Yeah, probably is the eye of the storm. That scares me. I've been comfortable-ish for about 24 hours and I like it. Just living as I have. Buying christmas presents. Going to work. Watching shows off my full DVR. Today I did a good mix. Only pinkish shirt I have underneath a Star Wars t-shirt, with the work shirt over the top. Felt like that about summed me up perfectly. Feminine with a side of geek under the work garb.

    On a side note. I have really happy memories of the first Star Wars movie (I was 7). I was a terrified kid. Mom's schizophrenic paranoia definitely infected me. I was never able to watch movies or tv without my hand next to my eyes. If something scary came up I'd quick cover my eyes. It was nerve wracking being so scared of being scared. That movie captured my attention so completely I remember kind of coming out of the movie for a second and realizing my hand wasn't by my face and I was ok with it. It's a happy memory.

    I've been seeing little things. A few, holy s&^t realizations, but nothing huge. Almost cried a little today, but the feelings were distance so I didn't push.

    I'm just going to keep updating this thread for awhile. Maybe days, maybe weeks. It feels good to express where I'm at to people that can relate. Thanks all!

    -nsam
     
  15. KitSylph

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  16. NotSureAboutMch

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    Today was a bit harder. Lots of WTF. Talking to a guy client, I was really feeling attracted. On the edge of out of control of my reactions. Then later was attracted to a female client. TBH, I can handle the attraction to men to some degree. Being attracted to a woman hurts to much because my relationship with, I'll call her D, ended.

    I was really hurting thinking about D today. We're making this a friendship instead. Have to. Today I was missing the dating "us". Her smile. Her hair. Her. The togetherness. The bonding. Not the sex. Sex is when it all falls apart. But the closeness and trust of the nakedness, yes. There was/is attraction there that I don't understand. Maybe the friendship will be enough later. But now, I hurt.

    That I have all this sexual and gender confusion killed that. Made it not possible. I know the reason, but it still hurts. Me not being man enough to make that work. Then me coming to understand that 'me not being man enough' is probably who I am. And that both relieves me and feels unbelievably strange.

    Now I go to Rogue One... Maybe I can lose myself for a few hours, hopefully.
     
  17. NotSureAboutMch

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    I'm 9 days out from my big realization. I'm fighting it. Trying to figure it out, anyway. So, I'm going to put down all the thoughts I'm having. As they are. Honoring the process of figuring myself out.

    I was on the bike trainer today. And I was imagining my body was not mine, but the body of a woman I ride with. That felt comfortable and difficult to face.

    I've been realizing just how often around men, I feel like a little girl inside. Meek, shy, sometimes fangirlish.

    I think the main reason I got to the point of realizing these feelings. Having my epiphany, was less about wanting to be a woman and more about not wanting to try to be masculine anymore. In life, I can do that with a certain amount of comfort. In dating. No way. That's where it felt really wrong.

    I've been having a lot of confusing feelings about D. We are getting together tomorrow night to look at Christmas lights. I need that. I want that. But I'm also really scared I'm not ready mentally to see her. There's a part of me that wants her to take this all away. That we see each other and all of this drops away and we date like normal heterosexual people. Writing this, I can see how far from reality this is. I can feel the amount of energy I'd have to put into forcing something like that. So, that's good. I'm separating things out. Coming to terms with who I am as far as dating is concerned. And for real, tomorrow night is so far away, I'll be different by then. And we are close enough, that if, tomorrow I feel not ready, I'll be able to tell her that. It will be ok.

    This really came out of nowhere for me. The idea of being female inside. I suppose I was so focused on trying to be a man, it never occurred to me there was another option. I've been having some memories of times I had feelings like this. In the shower, I used to bend over and shake the water from my hair, imagining my hair was long and feminine. And I'm remembering embarrassing times with men, where I felt like a girl, and it showed on the outside. My friendships have been really hampered by this, looking back. (Crap, another of those realizations. My friendships have been hampered by this, and it'd be great to fix them, but the resolution will be me coming out, which feels so big and overwhelming and such a big change for both me and my friends. A big ask for some of the people in my life.)

    I took my 12 yr old niece to Rogue One yesterday. After the movie, my sister picked her up. My sister texted me that in the car, my neice blurted out, "He's the most awesome uncle ever!" My heart is so filled by that. And it's tempered with worry that she may not be ok with me not being an uncle. I hate thoughts like that. I'm not really buying into it. I think most of my family would probably be ok, after an adjustment period. But, I don't know. I really don't.

    For now, I'm good with not trying to be a man and letting any thoughts and feelings hit me.

    I did have a good thought last night that gave me a lot of peace. I was very worried that with this change I'd face a ton of insecurity about my appearance. Worry about aging. Worry about my weight. Worry about my looks. These worries hit me hard last week. Last night I realized that whether I'm male or female, I'm pretty ok with me. All of that external crap has faded as I've gotten older. I want to be healthy. So I exercise. I want to be attractive (ok, shit, I thought the word, "pretty" :slight_smile: But, I don't think I'll ever be a person that's consumed by doubts. That is a great comfort to me. I've fought hard to accept myself and it's nice to see that even though I fought to accept myself as a man, the acceptance will mostly carry over. That part of aging is awesome.

    That's all I got for now. Thanks everyone! Happy Holidays!

    -nsam
     
  18. KitSylph

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    I'm happy to read about what's going on with you! I don't have any particular comments, but I wanted to let you know you're being listened to. If you're looking for feedback on anything, just say what. Otherwise, I'll just keep reading. :slight_smile:
     
  19. NotSureAboutMch

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    Kit, that's all I need right now. This is my journal to the world. Getting things out instead of stewing on them in my head. Any feedback is appreciated too, but I'm not really looking for anything at the moment. :slight_smile:
     
  20. NotSureAboutMch

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    Ok ok ok. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.......

    This just got very real and intense for me. ...Breathe.....

    I've been thinking a lot about sexually being a woman. How my parts don't feel right....

    I've been allowing the feminine feelings in, in this regard....

    All I did today was pull my (kinda feminine) underwear in like a thong. Such a small thing...

    And I went to the grocery store feeling good about myself. I feel good about myself today. I feel attractive even though my outsides don't match my insides. I just feel good....

    I was in an aisle. I was feeling how exposed I felt having my butt cheeks uncovered (even though I was wearing pants.)...

    A guy came flying into the aisle looking for something. Just darting in and around people. And I got flushed. I felt exposed and turned ON. ........ In a way I have never felt before....

    My breathe caught. I felt desire. .... I Felt Desire..... I've never had that feeling before. I'm still shaking a bit and that was 45 mins ago. I calmed down enough to check out. I got in my car and I was making very feminine sounds. I've never done that. But it felt right. It felt right....

    Holy shit....

    It felt great. Way too good... I'm happy and scared... I've found myself, but that feeling. It was so intense. It felt like I was losing control.

    I've never felt that desire before. I'm 46 and I've never felt desire. Holy shit.