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Need some advice regarding my feelings towards someone and the situation I’m in.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by SJF, Oct 23, 2020.

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  1. SJF

    SJF
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    Hey, thanks for reading this, this may get a bit long as I’m really struggling at the moment so this may become a bit of a vent.

    just for some context I’ve been suffering with depression for about 2 years now. It was really bad a year ago and it was starting to get a bit better, and now it’s come crashing back down worse than ever, Mostly due to the situation I’m currently in.

    basically my best friend at uni put me in contact with a gay friend of his who I’ve been messaging for a while now since when I was studying abroad in France last year. We have loads in common and just after the initial lockdown was lifted in summer we met up, kissed and fooled around for a while we didn’t go all the way but we almost did, I think we both wanted to. Then afterwards we spooned and it was the safest I’ve ever felt, just for once I got a glimmer of hope that everything’s gonna work out. and then we went out to a restaurant, we both had a great time I think. My depression and anxiety really holds me back from regularly messaging people and organising to meet up. And as a result it would sometimes be a week between our chats. He didn’t know about what I’m going through until the other day.

    So a few weeks ago we talked a little bit and he was calling me cute etc and seemed keen to meet up again, I never managed to tell him how I really felt properly because I was afraid and depressed and overwhelmed by getting back into the swing of things in my final year at uni. We just recently talked on Wednesday and he said regarding seeing eachother again, he has got himself a boyfriend for this year at university, but that they wouldn’t be seeing eachother after graduation, we’re both in final year, at different universities though. And it’s just destroyed me inside. I just don’t know what to do in this situation. We talked a bit more as I basically had a full mental breakdown later that day and he said that if we were both graduated, he’d ask me out and I later asked if he was serious as I was in a very very bad place and he said yeah a few dates would be nice wouldn’t it. He said he still thinks I’m cute too. He did also say that if he came to visit me what happens here stays here but I brushed it off saying not if you have a bf.

    the fact that I’ve never told him that I like him is completely eating me up inside and I had to come home from uni for the weekend as I got half way through writing a suicide note. The way he’s worded things suggests that there’s still a glimmer of hope but I just don’t know how to react In this situation. I’ve drafted a message that I want to send to him but I’m unsure if I even should, I’m so unsure of where the line needs to be drawn, I’ve never been in a relationship before. The message is this:

    —————

    Just wanted to open up a bit I feel like it’ll make me feel a bit better, the last thing I want to do is make things awkward so I’m sorry if it makes you feel that way. I just don’t want you to push me away.

    When you said you had a bf it kinda just hit me that I did have some feelings for you. It sparked a whirlwind of emotions inside my head, I feel stupid and hate myself that I haven’t contacted you more. It was a completely new sensation for me, and I didn’t know how to think about reacting. I just feel like I lost something, maybe I’m overreacting I’m so sorry if this is awkward, the last thing I wanna do is get in the way and make things awkward, it’s so unfair of me to even say this to you, I just wanted to vent and tell you where I’m at mentally. I know eventually I’ll calm down but not telling you this is a big burden on me. I hope you understand. Everything just kinda hit me at once and it resurfaced a load of demons from 2 years ago when I felt like trash. I hope this doesn’t make you wanna push me away but I fully understand if you want/need to, getting this off my chest will Hopefully help me to start mending and power through this degree.
    —————

    so yeah it’s kind of messy at the moment. I want to send that message to him, but he has a boyfriend now so should I even send it? My biggest fear is making him stop liking me completely if I send this from making it too awkward/crossing a line when he has a bf. Or him wanting to push me away. However the way he’s talking suggests that it is only for uni and that he’d still be interested in at least going on a date or 2 after uni is over. He even said he’d be up for meeting me at Christmas for a meal or something. I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up and to expect the worst, that he’ll stay with this guy after uni anyway. I just really don’t know what to do. It’s so dumb to have these feelings when we’ve only met in person once but he made me feel good for the first time in a long while. Any advice you can offer would be so so appreciated, I’m sorry it was kind of a long read. I’m really not coping right now and I cannot set my mind to rest. Right now I just feel like I’m going to die alone having never had someone tell me they love me, which is too much to bear. My kneejerk reaction has just been self harming and crying and making a ###### profile just to try and get some action, to no avail obviously. I’m just so confused.

    what do I do in this situation? he said he still thinks I’m cute and that some dates after uni would be nice and that if we were both graduated he’d ask me out..... but has a bf for this term at uni

    Should I send him that message? I feel like getting it off my chest so he knows will at least help me sleep at night. And that I wasn’t ignoring him I just couldn’t find the confidence to message.
     
    #1 SJF, Oct 23, 2020
  2. QuietPeace

    QuietPeace
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    I do not think that you should send that message, maybe one that does say you want to keep in touch but is not quite as serious as what you wrote.

    What this says to me is that he is less serious about being with you than you are about being with him. If you did do anything when getting together it would be a casual thing for him. Since you feel so serious about him I think that you should avoid anything physical with him.

    Throughout life we will meet people and have unequal interest. Sometimes you will be more interested in the other person and at other times they will be more interested than you. We just have to accept this and take it in stride. Seek out more people, make friends and see what develops with them.
     
    #2 QuietPeace, Oct 23, 2020
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  3. HM03

    HM03
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    Hi!

    I think writing out your emotions is great and I'd recommend writing him letters/"texts/emails" regularly as a sort of journal/emotional output! However, I don't think you should send him the message.

    I'd give this whole situation some space. Even without the self harming, it doesn't sound healthy to me for a couple of reasons.

    You have this end goal of being in this happy relationship with this boy. But let's say you get in a relationship with him, what going to say it's going to be a healthy one? A healthy relationship involves boundaries and both individuals having their own lives (friends, hobbies, work/school - basically not a extreme dependent/co-dependent situation). I understand living with anxiety (and can only picture depression on top of that) and understand that it never completely goes away. However a relationship is not going to be the magic solution. It amplifies the good, but also gives you another person/situation to be anxious about lmao.

    And I'm not talking about boundaries just for you, also him! Like mentioned above, the "He did also say that if he came to visit me what happens here stays here" makes it sound like you aren't both on the same page. It DOES sound like he's less serious about it than you are, which may just hurt you more. He also makes it sound like he'd be down to cheat on his boyfriend and isn't taking it serious (saying it's just a temporary thing etc). If you did end up dating, what's to say he wouldnt do the same thing to you?

    In the nicest possible way, focusing on your self-image, anxiety, and depression is key right now. Getting those feelings out is super important - talk to a friend or write/type them all out (without doing anything too reckless with it heh). I know therapists can be hit or miss, but my university offered it for free, and it really helped me. Perhaps something to look into? Not just about this boy, but about mental health in general :slight_smile:

    You may not feel like it, but you're strong and you got this! Feel free to scream into the EC "void" anytime :slight_smile:
     
    #3 HM03, Oct 24, 2020
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  4. BiGemini87

    BiGemini87
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    In agreement with the other comments--you could send him that message, but I don't think it will make things better. Not necessarily worse either, as if he decides he wants nothing to do with you after, it would give you a more definitive answer--but it would also be extremely hurtful and be a reflection of your current mindset, not you as a person.

    I think you could give him a watered down version explaining that you're interested in him but that if he's not on the same page and only wants something casual, he should say so. I think it's completely reasonable to be upfront and to expect it in return, so if he's not looking for anything lasting with you, neither of you waste your time (and you don't get hurt as much as you would if you didn't know where he stood and he were to leave).

    I really think you need to work through whatever's going on with you, as well. A relationship isn't a cure-all, as @HM03 said; it may help you feel good in some ways, but it's like putting a band-aid on a bullet hole.
     
    #4 BiGemini87, Oct 29, 2020
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