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Need new therapy goals

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by ormanout, Mar 24, 2014.

  1. ormanout

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Oregon
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I am setting up new therapy goals for the next several months of work with my therapist. I would appreciate any input that can be gained by reading this "where I'm at" summary.

    I have been out to my wife now for a year. I am out to about a dozen others, including two of my sisters. At first, I was certain that I would leave my marriage and start life over and I told my wife that was my intent. After several months of couples counseling to "de-couple" with an excellent therapist, my wife and I have found a new zone of peacefulness. I then began work with an individual therapist, to try and dig at my fears and inability to make the move that would end our marriage. As of today, I am still frozen in that spot and hesitant to make the move.

    After several months, I now know more about my past than I ever thought I would. I can see where a lot of my self-protection needs came from, knowing that I was raised with an alcoholic and emotionally abusive father. But, he's been dead for seven years. In my mind, I still think that my children will abandon me and keep me from my grandchildren. I don't think my long-time friends will not understand and my friendship with my wife will become a distant memory.

    While others think of me as an attractive man, and I'm always gym fit, I am haunted by the fact that I will end up in some cheap apartment and spending the rest of my life alone. My life has been fully engaged with others and constantly busy, so alone isn't something with which I have much experience. I also fear having to move away, as many local gay men have warned me that this city of 50,000 is not a great place to find other, older gay men. I hate the thought of having to leave, since my children and grand children are all local.

    If I'm going to get unfrozen, what should my therapy goals be...in order to create a life for myself that lies just the other side of my willingness to act on it. Until that occurs, I'm stuck in the revolving door of my closet.
     
  2. Jim1454

    Full Member

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    I really don't know - I would think that would be something you'd take up with your therapist.

    You say you're out to your wife, and you've found a new zone of peacefullness. Maybe you're where you're supposed to be right now. Or are you? Do you think you want to move on - and the fears that you mention are holding you back? Or do you not really have a need or desire to move on - and that would be fine too.

    Try to keep in mind that things aren't black and white. Rarely are we given purely binary options - this or that. So coming out to more people doesn't necessarily mean moving away.

    I'm assuming that while you're out to your wife, you're not out to your kids? Maybe that's something to work on. That must weigh heavy on both you and your wife...