1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Need advice on preventing a heartbreak

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Ghost93, Jan 3, 2016.

  1. Ghost93

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2014
    Messages:
    349
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I recently got myself into a unfortunate situation and I have only myself to blame. This is kind of long to explain so I apologize in advance:

    So I moved into a new small city the Sunday before Christmas to be closer to my new job. This most recent Tuesday I stopped at a bar/restaurant for the first time to get some food after I got off work. It was around 6 p.m. and there was no one in the restaurant other than the bar tender. For the sake of this thread, lets call the bartender Chris. At first we just had small talk, but after a while we started to hit it off pretty well. I had a suspicion Chris was gay due to his voice and some of the political related stuff he was talking about. I stayed for about 2 hours because he kept coming up with ways to keep me around more (getting me to order a drink, then dessert, than coffee, etc.). Truth be told, I had a bit of a crush on the him, even though he seemed a bit older.

    The next day I got off work really late so I ended up going to the same bar since it was one of the few places open. Chris was working again and something about his interactions seemed a bit more flirty than before. I didn't tell him I was gay, but I had a suspicion that he knew. At the end of my time there, he asked to add me on Facebook and invited me to come over to the bar the next day for New Year's Eve.

    I added Chris on Facebook and found out that he is indeed gay. I also noticed his age. He is 35, while I am only 22. That seemed like a big age gap, but I thought to myself it could still possibly work out. After all, we are both consenting adults.

    I wasn't able to visit before midnight due to my decision to hang out with some work friends, but I swung by the bar after midnight on New Year's Eve. He hugged me and then asked if I wanted to go to lunch with him on Sunday and I said yes. Even though it was never explicitly stated, it was pretty obvious this was a date.

    So today I ended up meeting him around noon at the restaurant. I was pretty nervous before hand, but once i got there I became more comfortable. We had a lot to talk about, and this is where I confirmed that I was gay. We developed a pretty strong chemistry, and he called me variations of "cute", "hot", "handsome," "adorable", "beautiful" and "perfect". I was kind of flattered. He also paid for my lunch without me knowing beforehand. I told him that wasn't necessary, but I still thanked him. At this point I was feeling pretty good about the date.

    Afterward he asked if I wanted to get some drinks at his bar. So we go over there and he introduces me to all of his friends who work or frequently visit the bar. I'm not much of a drinker, but he gives me a few drinks and I get a little tipsy. He also becomes much more flirtatious and quickly becomes very touchy (rubbing my back, putting his arm around me, holding my hand). Truth be told, I kind of liked it.

    We then leave his bar to go to a fancier bar and we buy some wine. We drink and talk more, and eventually we go into the back exit of the restaurant and start kissing passionately. We then go back to his bar, drink some more (with him buying), and start dancing to music. And then we kiss more. And once again he keeps saying how I'm perfect, how he'll buy me whatever I need and how I never have to be lonely with him around and how I can always trust him, etc. He also kept making jokes (that seemed to reveal a deeper insecurity) about how if I never wanted to talk to him again in the future or broke things off, I would still be welcome.

    Now being a bartender, Chris seemed to know EVERYONE on the strip mall we were visiting. And I kind of liked having a potential boyfriend who was so well connected with everything. You could tell he was a kind, people-pleasing person. We ended up going by a coffee shop to slightly sober up and even the baristas there seemed to know him.

    We end up going to his house for a bit and there we start kissing. He said we weren't going to have sex on the first date, but we ended up doing everything else. We stripped completely naked, kissed each other everywhere, gave each other blow jobs. He even rimmed me. During this time he kept saying stuff like "how did a guy like me end up with a guy like you" and "why do you like me". I'm fine with being humble, but he kept going on saying stuff like this and I became a little concerned about his self-esteem. Anyway, we ended up sleeping next to each other for about two hours before we ended up getting a shower. During the shower we made plans to meet again on Thursday.

    One important thing to note — of all of the sexual encounters I have ever had, this is the only one in which I did not feel sad, guilty, ashamed, used or violated by. I think it probably has to do with the fact that I got to know Chris fairly well before hand, while all of my previous experiences were with people I had known for less than 5 hours. The more I think about it, the more I'm beginning to realize casual hookups are so not my thing.

    As we were walking back to the bar he kept wanting to offer his coat to keep me warm and he kept wanting to hold my hand. He also kept telling me to be honest with him and constantly said how his feelings would be hurt if I ended up just telling him I didn't like him or if I changed my mind. But he kept stressing to be honest.

    I ended up telling him that I am still recently out of the closet and still adjusting to my gay identity. I told Chris I am looking for relationships to an extent, but I am wanting to take things slow. I also told him I don't know for sure where our particular relationship is heading, but regardless he is a great person and I would like him in my life in some capacity (and I meant that with complete sincerity).

    During our final stay at the bar, he gets very very touchy to the point where i begin to feel a bit uncomfortable. Our small city isn't the most tolerant area of gay people, but that wasn't really the issue. The issue was that he seemed to be somewhat possessive over me even though we hadn't really been together that long. He kept calling me "baby" and "perfect" and he kept ordering drinks for me and pulling out a seat for me and wanting to order dessert for me. While I admire his intentions, at the same time I am a grown and somewhat independent person and do not need to be treated like a fragile, dependent princess from the 18th century.

    He then keeps insisting to walk me home, which I allow. During this time he keeps trying to hold my hand and he keeps trying to get me to wear his coat. I told him no and that I didn't want him to get cold but Chris said "I'll freeze for you. You never have to be cold when you are with me." I kept insisting no, but he put his coat around me and put his hat on me.

    Once we finally get to my apartment I show him around. I mentioned how I still need to do some decorations to the walls. He told me he could buy me posters. I told him thank you, but I could pick out the posters myself. He told me "that's okay, I'll still buy you posters. I'll buy you whatever you need." And then he kept kissing me. At this point I had gotten so many major red flags about this relationship that I wasn't kissing him back passionately, which he noticed. So I ended up giving him one good kiss goodbye so he would feel better and he ended up leaving.


    That was about an hour ago, and I've already assessed what the problem is with this relationship. He is the type of person who wants to take care of someone and dote upon someone, and that is not the type of guy I need. I do want someone who is assertive and can take charge, but I don't need to be coddled every moment. Chris tries too hard, is too clingy and wants someone to look after. After he left my apartment I finally understood that the age difference may in fact have also played into this issue. He is 35 and has had a lot more life experience. He is wanting to settle down with someone and treat them like a wife. I however am just out of college and I need a relationship with someone who I feel I can be equals with. I still like older guys, but I'm thinking 2-7 years older is more realistic. 13 years older is a bit too big of a gap.

    But here is the thing, I am supposed to me him on Thursday. What should I tell him? Personally I think I should still meet him on Thursday, but try to make the environment more friendship oriented rather than romantic. And during that time on Thursday I should tell him that I don't think we can work as a couple.

    I really don't want to hurt his feelings because he is a nice person and can be very cool as a bartender. I do still want to be friends with him. He told me earlier that if I told him I just wanted to be friends that it would hurt him at first, but things would eventually get back to normal and we can hang out. While I would like to believe that is going to be the case, at the same time I can't help but feeling that things will become awkward after Thursday. To make matters worse, since he is so tied to EVERYONE in the community, I'm afraid I'll look like an asshole for hurting the feelings of a beloved bartender.


    So what should I do guys? Should I tell him before or after Thursday? And what should I say? Is there anyway to keep things from being too awkward or harsh? Also, as objective outsiders, what is your assessment of the situation. Do you think I am judging Chris unfairly, or is it indeed a relationship that wouldn't work?
     
    #1 Ghost93, Jan 3, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2016
  2. bookreader

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2014
    Messages:
    2,748
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Suburbs
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I always thought that age gaps are bad for any relationship. I think that this relationship won't work. Maybe Chris has his heart broken before and he doesn't want it to happen again. You're not judging him unfairly, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a clingy person. Just tell him on Thursday, and maybe start off as, 'We need to talk.", and continue on.
     
  3. PennyMonkey96

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2015
    Messages:
    87
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Anaheim
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Well Chris does sound like a genuinely nice guy so I suggest that you let him know exactly how you feel. Also make sure he knows you still want him to be a part of your life. tell him on Thursday. Like you said he has insecurities and he probably has them because of things that have happened in the past. If you feel like this relationship would work than go for it, but if you dont think it would then let him know. In my opinion I think it would not work out in the long run, maybe it would last for a short amount of time. This is all just my opinion, you wont know until you try it. Hope this helps, if it didnt than im sorry xD
     
  4. tulipinacup

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2014
    Messages:
    571
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Philippines
    Personally, I don't think age has anything to do with it but it stems from Chris's insecurity. I think he has to understand that what he is doing to you and while very genuine and sweet, it's already coming across as overbearing on your part. The fact that he thinks that spoiling you will make you want to see him more is a problem and you should let him know that once you and him get to talk on Thursday.

    Clearly you've already seen the red flags but I really think it is up to you if you want to take this relationship more seriously. Good luck
     
  5. Open Arms

    Open Arms Guest

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2015
    Messages:
    493
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    You are at different stages in your life. I see him as possessive, manipulative and controlling.

    Run, run, run! Be firm that you do not want a boyfriend type of relationship with him.
     
  6. Ghost93

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2014
    Messages:
    349
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I just looked at his Facebook and he said he had the best day ever. Aggh, this is going to be hard. :tears:
     
  7. tmhjdg

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2011
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I have a friend who was in a very similar situation. He was your age, young, cute, etc. and his bf was older (13+gap at least). The bf was very mature and ready to settle down, where my friend definitely did not want to, but did enjoy the security of the older bf taking care of him.

    However, they finally talked about their life goals and the bf decided to let my friend go and enjoy himself (they broke up). It sounds as though Chris's clinginess wouldn't allow for that though. I would tell him exactly what you told us in your post and be totally honest.

    On the other hand, I myself am in a relationship with a guy who is 38 - I'm 25. We've been together five years and it has been great because he both looks and acts much younger. There are age gap issues, yes, but as long as you are open from the beginning about your life goals you can avoid pairing up with someone who doesn't share them.

    Whatever happens, don't be afraid to hurt someone's feelings by telling the truth.
     
  8. mbanema

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2014
    Messages:
    1,485
    Likes Received:
    30
    Location:
    MA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I don't believe that this guy is being manipulative; he's just trying too hard. I think you're probably right about him having self-esteem issues, though that seems somewhat unusual to me given that he's in such a social job and people seem to love him.

    As far as the age gap goes, that's for you to decide. If you want to reject him purely due to his age that's absolutely within your rights and I think he'd probably understand even if he's not happy about it, but I'm not so sure that's what your hesitation is about. It seems to me like you're more afraid that he's going much too quickly and is trying to wedge himself into your future rather than giving you the opportunity to decide for yourself.

    If you can't get past the age gap that's one thing, but if you genuinely do like him, believe he's a good person to have in your life, and are at least curious about the possibility of dating him, then talk to him about your concerns. If you discuss what you're looking for out of life right now and what your relationship goals are, it's entirely possible you'll both reach the conclusion that it's not a good idea to pursue anything. Since you're newly out maybe you want the chance to get to know a lot of people and take a more casual approach and I think he could probably respect that. If you find that you're more compatible than you thought, maybe you can be open about the things that make you uncomfortable and maybe he will tone it down. Only you know where your head's at though -- if you've made up your mind then stick with it.

    If this guy really likes you as much as he indicates then I'm afraid there is no preventing heartbreak. All I can say is that you will both be better off in the long run if you're honest with each other and don't put off the inevitable. It's the respectful, decent thing to do and I promise he'd end up feeling much more hurt if he feels used or finds out you didn't have enough faith in him to be honest. You both deserve to be with someone who truly wants to be with you.
     
  9. CameOutSwinging

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2015
    Messages:
    735
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York City
    I agree, it sounds like he's just trying way too hard way too quickly. Your best bet is to just be honest with him, partly because it could help him to avoid doing the same thing to other guys in the future. He had a chance to have you interested in being his boyfriend, and he literally pushed you away because of how he acted. Sometimes, it takes hearing that to reevaluate how you approach things and treat people.
     
  10. Euler

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2015
    Messages:
    1,061
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Northern Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I think honesty is the best policy and I think you would do Chris a huge favor by discussing this with him thoroughly. I think you are absolutely right about him having self-esteem issues and he needs to confront them.

    Remember, he himself wanted you to be honest, so be honest. He should be mature enough to understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling. Other than that he sounds like a really nice guy and maybe you might end up changing your mind later if the is able to address the clingy behavior.

    LOL:ed at the "princess from 18th century". That's a good point too. You want to be treated as equal, not as god or as slave.
     
  11. Night Rain

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2012
    Messages:
    1,647
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Asia
    I also agree that he's just trying too hard. He doesn't sound manipulative to me. I think by offering to buy posters for you, he wanted to take care of you. Although it was pretty silly, sometimes, people think showering you with gifts is the best way to show you they love you. Still, try to talk it out with him and decide what to do afterwards.