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Need advice & help getting over (possible) judgement of Married Gays

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Ram90, Apr 18, 2019.

  1. Ram90

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    Heylo Everyone.

    I have been experimenting in online dating over the past year and have been in touch with multiple guys ever since. And yes, some of them are closeted-married gays, divorcees and the usual closeted-singles. While I don't judge people or atleast try not to, I've noticed that I have been sort of judgemental about the married men.

    - I tell most married gays who ping me, that I'm not interested in getting involved with them, as I feel like they are "cheating" on their partners and I have no interest in feeling like I'm "participating" in that exercise, feeling like the "other person" or "mistress" in the relationship. That said, I do chat and meet married men, but refuse to engage in hookups or sexual relationship of any kind with them.

    Now that, that part is out of the way, the reason I'm posting this is because of a discussion I had with a guy I met recently. He's a 35 year old guy, in the midst of a messy divorce with a 7 year old Kid. The wife found out about him being gay, "mentally harrassed and tortured" him, took her kid with her to her parents' house in another city and filed for divorce. The guy, in got laid off in the process and had to "cough up" a large one-time settlement amount to avoid paying alimony on a regular basis.

    He says he is the innocent party and had to undergo "severe mental" trauma at the hands of his partner and her family. I don't doubt that in any sense, since I know how the people and society in my country behave towards people from the LGBT community. However what I failed to understand was that, he said he got married and had a kid because his "parents wanted him to". I was baffled because in my eyes, he had a chance to not get married, to not have a kid and spoil their lives. Yet he did.

    Additionally, he is gay, not bisexual. I asked him if he enjoyed having sex with his wife, and he said he did. I asked him outright if he did it only once or twice for the sake of children and then stopped after that because of him being homosexual. He said no and stated that they had sexual relations on almost a regular basis and he enjoyed it. Which tells me, if he wasn't caught (His partner found gay chats on his phone) he would've continued keeping her in the dark.

    I don't doubt his anguish at having to be in the closet all these years, his lack of freedom to explore that angle of himself and the mental anguish he might've gone through at the hands of his partner and her family. But he denies that he had No hand in the matter and that he"might've" been the root cause.

    I'm trying, really trying to be understanding, trying not to sound like a hypocrite or racist or homophobe or whatever this is called. But I'm at my wits end. How do I deal with this and be a better person?
     
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  2. smurf

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    Go you for having this conversation. It can be a tough one to have, but its also a very important one. So thank you :slight_smile:

    I was going to wait until someone who has gone through the experience comments because duh, but since y'all are too busy ( :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: ) here is my take on it lol

    This is something that feels fairly personal to me since I believe the chances of me marrying a woman and having kids would have been a very real reality for me if I had been born just a a decade earlier. My upbringing simply wouldn't have allowed for me to come out unless I decided to sacrifice everything. Luckily, because the work of previous activists and being an immigrant, I didn't have to make that decision.

    In many cultures, if you don't marry and have kids by a certain age then you are essentially coming out. There is no way around it. You either have kids or you might as well scream to the world that you are gay.

    I had an uncle who never got married and he was 40. The things they would say about him. They stopped talking to him, they spread rumors about the guys he had over, and he never got included to family events anymore.

    There was a guy who worked with my mom who was 45 and didn't have kids. Again, the jokes at his expense were cruel. All I knew was that being single and that age is wanting the world to hate you.

    I recently found out that he and his boyfriend got killed in his apartment 8 years ago.

    If I had stayed in Colombia, how would I as a gay teen feel like that is an option? Why would I come out and risk everything just to have sex with a guy?

    You and me had the privilege to be online and meet other amazing lgbt people who are doing amazing things. Not everyone is so lucky in their lives. Some people never get to meet another lgbt person who is happy and living their lives.

    This is simply survival. Its the only way that this guy in particular was able to survive with his life choices. He probably doesn't think he is to blame because he simply didn't see another choice other than to lie and stay in the closet. To him, anything else would be a life not worth living.

    For me, its hard to argue when you live in a society that would prefer you dead rather than gay. Its hard for me to blame people for simply doing their best to survive with the cards they were dealt. Its not my place to judge how someone survives to be honest. I have chosen to focus my energy on making sure the next generation feels that they do have a choice and that they will have support once they decide to come out and risk losing everything.

    Unless we do that, then all the judgement that we throw to guys who married women, cheated, etc is a way to protect ourselves and say "at least I didn't do THAT". It helps no one other than making ourselves feel better.

    For example, you aren't fully out, right? It would be wrong for anyone to judge you for not being authentic enough in your life and keeping secrets. Judging you for not being brave enough or have the courage to sacrifice everything in order to pursue your true happiness. But whoever does that wouldn't understand how much risk we take when we do come out. If another gay person tells you that 1) it won't be helpful for you 2) they are putting you down in order to pat themselves on the back for being fully out 3) is not helping build anything in order for people to feel safer coming out.
     
    #2 smurf, Apr 19, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2019
  3. smurf

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    Read my reply again, and it felt that something was missing. Maybe some action steps you can take to focus your energy?

    This is a great example of the true consequences that people face coming out later in life in your country. No amount of talk of ethics, morals, etc will take this away.

    A thing you can do is help people fight these consequences or minimize the pain somewhat. Similar to what we do here on EC, but in person. You can set up a nonprofit that provides financial help or access to lawyers if/when the person decides to come out.

    You can help set up a support group for lgbt older people so they can come together and learn how to cope with the trauma and learn how to move forwards.

    Steps like those move the needle. Its also a healthier way to tackle your concerns of people cheating and making the bad choices of getting married and having kids. That way you avoid judging others, you help people with their pain, and hopefully by providing visible ways to live openly gay you can provide younger lgbt with other options

    Obviously all of that is hard to do. It takes a network, resources, time, etc. But one thing that I have tried to do is that I don't complain or judge people in situations I'm not willing to help with. It has helped me a lot in fighting my classist thoughts that I consonantly have.
     
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  4. L8bloomer

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    @Phoenix90 - from your post, it sounds like you are an out, gay, unmarried man - is that right? I think many folks on this particular board have had very similar experiences as the guy you described. You said you were "baffled because in my eyes, he had a chance to not get married, to not have a kid and spoil their lives. Yet he did." I think it's not fair to blame him for either not fully accepting his sexuality, or caving to society and family pressures (or both). We all go through this journey in different ways. Now - does that mean he was totally innocent in his marriage and that his wife was 100% to blame? Probably not.

    You also mention that he enjoyed sex with his wife, even though he identifies as gay and not bi. I also think that some people here can relate to that... I "enjoyed" sex with my husband for a long time, because I love him as a friend and partner. I even enjoyed it while I was seeing a woman on the side - in fact, I may have enjoyed it even more because I felt really sexually satisfied overall and I could also think of being with her while being with him. Not right, but it's what I did. However, when faced with the decision of choosing him or her, I knew I'd rather be with her. That didn't work out, but it was helpful for me to learn that about myself. The woman I was with ultimately could not commit in large part due to her own homophobia. She had no problem being with me sexually and romantically, even admitted it was much better than being with guys... but she couldn't actually be an out, gay person. It just didn't fit the compartmentalized identity she had for herself. Just sharing that as an example of why it can be much harder for some people.
     
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  5. Rade

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    I will be totally honest here...
    I can totally relate, had a gay 3 year relationship in my teens. Thought I would never sleep with a woman.
    But we were introduced and went on a double date, became friends and didn't sleep together for three months. I identify as gay. If I was bisexual I would show interest in other females but I don't. I slowly got swept away by it all. I actually did enjoy sex with her and we have three children. We were together 20 years.
    I feel terribly guilty for leading her on and fucking up her life. I've had extensive counselling. I feel very guilty my children are caught up in this.
    It's not easy on either partner but it is possible to be gay and enjoy sex in a straight marriage.
    I'm now living on my own, I'm happy and have built a new life. But I have to live with what I've done and the guilt for the rest of my life. If you have a deep connection with someone it's easy to be swept along and become way out of our depth. Something snapped in me February 2018, I'd had enough of the lies.
    Jon
     
    #5 Rade, Apr 19, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2019
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  6. LostJedi

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    Good for you for not enabling that. This is a good move for you and your mental health, but also for them.

    I can say from personal experience that when trying to grapple with these feelings and confusing urges we can sometime try some really stupid things. To my shame, in the past, I've gotten drunk and gone on gay sex chats. Reflecting back on it, this was obviously not a healthy way to explore and understand what I was experiencing and feeling, and I'm sure it set me back. I didn't know where to go or even who I am, really.

    So, I'd ask that you be gentle but firm with those guys. They are struggling and don't yet have the tools. Maybe suggesting this site would be useful.

    I like this space because it seems free of blame and shame, and it is exactly what someone (me) on this journey desperately needs.
     
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  7. OGS

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    I have to say I get where you are coming from. I'm 47 from a very religious Mormon family in Utah and came out at 21. My husband is 53 and came out in Baptist Oklahoma at 17. We're from one of the generations where people tend to say being out wasn't an option. And yeah being gay back then was awful--I tried to kill myself my senior year in high school. But even back when I thought I might be bi I honestly never considered for a moment finding some girl and pretending--because even in that time and place it seemed monstrous to do something like that to someone who loved you. My husband felt the same way. And so, yeah, if I'm absolutely honest, I do sometimes struggle to be empathetic. All you can do is be open to people's stories. I think it is possible to understand why people make the choices they do and understand how those decisions may be the product of societal forces and understand that while that may explain the effects of those decisions it doesn't negate them. I think sometimes of my Mother arriving home unexpectedly to find my seemingly lifeless body in time to have my stomach pumped. I know there were forces at work in that decision beyond my simple volition, but that doesn't change the fact that it was one of the worst moments in her life, quite possibly the worst--and I did that. There's a point where you have to own your own life--and I think it's reasonable to expect others to do the same. Over the years on EC as I have encountered more and more later in life coming out stories my notions of what brings people to that point have become more and more nuanced, but you know what? Just between us. I've become more and more sympathetic to the straight spouses. Seriously don't tell. LOL Sometimes you feel what you feel. Try to remember that people are not one decision they've made and act accordingly. But you seriously don't have to be personally involved in what you feel are bad decisions. I for one don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to participate in people's decisions to cheat on their spouse.
     
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  8. Nickw

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    @Phoenix90

    I'm 60 and have a wife. I'm also bisexual.

    Here's the thing. I came out to my wife in my mid-fifties. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I understand, too well, the pressures that society puts on one to conform so I can't really judge others. I read @OGS post. It was very compelling. I too came close to suicide when I was 21 because I broke an engagement with a woman I loved because I could not reconcile my sexuality. I figured I was unworthy of love. When I met my wife a couple years later she literally saved my life. I fell desperately in love with her but could not bring myself to really tell her how about my deepest secret. I could keep it hidden and have the life I was "supposed" to have. So, I understand how we can become trapped in these situations as your friend did. One step at at time until we have created a life that really isn't ours but we didn't, or couldn't stop it. So, I empathize with your friend...to some degree. But, I stopped short of cheating on my wife to fulfill this part of me. And, I can't accept being involved with someone, like your friend, no matter how much I empathize with them. I won't be involved with a married man who isn't out to his wife and who doesn't have an open relationship. I figure if I could do it anyone can. That's my own personal prejudice.

    I'm there for guys I know that are in situations like your friend. I will listen to him and console him and try to help him while he goes through the process of coming out. But, I will not have an intimate relationship with him. I think that's all we can offer. I don't think you should feel that you need to accept his decisions or his lifestyle. You don't need to be a part of his situation.
     
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  9. johndeere3020

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    Sometimes people do the wrong thing for what they think are the right reasons. Like other have said, we grow up conditioned to act a certain way, talk a certain way, live a certain way. Its all bullshit. I knew I something other that straight by the time I was 10/11. I knew it was something bad because every time my dad talked about one certain cousin of his it was >>>> likes little boys. I'm certain it was men not boy. The words fag and queer were so negative you just new you just didn't want to be one.

    I don't think its fair for your friend to not shoulder any responsibility. He is most likely holding on to some of these misconceptions.
     
  10. justaguyinsf

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    I think you're right that he's not the victim he portrays himself to be, but I don't think it's judgmental to recognize that. On the other hand, I think you're being either naive or obtuse to suggest that there are not good and valid reasons (many of which are created by gay men themselves) for men who are attracted to other men to choose to marry women.
     
  11. I'mStillStanding

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    So I’m not judgmental, and know everyone is different. I didn’t have kids but I was married to a woman when I finally accepted I was gay. I had gay friends growing up, argued in church about homosexuality (live in the Bible Belt) because my beliefs didn’t line up with theirs, etc. but I couldn’t be gay. That decision was made when I was 10 (by me). I knew I liked boys. I also thought if everyone found out they would think what happened between me and an older teenage boy (started when I was around 6 and he was around 15 and went on for over a year) was something I wanted. I felt a lot of shame and guilt about the sexual encounters and knew if I was “straight” it would be it wasn’t ok. So it that’s when I went in the closet. The door was locked when memories of an old man who molested at 4 came back when I was 18. That made three males who did something before I was 7 and I freaked.

    I met my ex, we bonded over singing all the songs from Little Mermaid... not gay at all. She became my best friend and I thought that was what you were suppose to feel. We got married... I was to nervous to have sex the first night after we got married, the second night I worked up the nerve with a good bit of wine. That was my first ever encounter (consensual) with anyone so it was very different. We never had sex like everyone else seemed to, I just thought it was because we were different. I didn’t know how it was suppose to feel when you were attracted to someone sexual or into an encounter because I never let myself be open to my sexuality in my life. Over the years it got harder to have sex and eventually it didn’t happen. When I came out it had been an extremely long time.

    I was determined that I’d come out and we’d separate before anything happened. I did that because we were both virgins when we got married and I felt it was important to honor that. Now that was my choice... I was talked about in such a horrible way and I did what I feel was right in my case. But people were still so nasty and said the most disguising things. Even had threats from a few people.

    The point is I don’t judge people for exploring before coming out. It’s not the choice I’d make, I don’t think it’s the best choice, and I wouldn’t enter into a serious thing with a guy in a relationship (not again) because I know how it plays out. So if causal encounters isn’t what you're looking for I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be up front and say “hey I’m not looking for a causal thing... and to be fair you can’t look for a serious thing right now (no judgment) but I’m totally open to being friends and talking.” Which I think is what you do. That’s not being judgmental. I believe you can even recognize that what someone is going through is a result of choices they made and still be in the safe zone... for me I just try to show compassion and empathy always for someone going through a hard time no matter the reason. Try not to say you shoulda, coulda, woulda... because they didn’t. All we got is what they did and if you wanna help focus on how to move forward.
    ____________________________________
    @OGS I did want to comment on your reply...
    First off this took my breath a bit. I’m sure you’ve shared it before but I’ve missed it. I know it was a time ago but still... hate seeing you experience this.

    You two are super brave guys. My uncle is around your age and my mom. I know what the stories are in my area for the gay kids (my uncle is gay and my mom was in the group that bullied him).

    I understand this... well not the empathetic part. I try not and judge others on their journey and where they are in life, or judge myself and compare where I am on my path to others. I fail at this. So I struggle with jealousy when it comes to seeing guys like you and your husband who embraced who they were much younger than myself. I feel shame that I was weak... I guess back when I was a kid and didn’t tell what was happening. Maybe then I wouldn’t have cared what people thought... so I struggle with those because my experience is the other side of the coin I guess.

    I don’t think understanding why I was in such denial negates my choices at all. Or anyone’s. But I do think often people want some form of punishment for a wrong doing even when maybe it’s not needed. I also think people dismiss the emotional effects hard times have on us when our choices catch up. Because I was closeted and married, I shouldn’t express the pain I was feeling with what was happening... I should take it like a man. It was my own doing. That was actually said to me when I came out and getting threats and everything by someone I love. To them it was what I deserved... to me it’s just a dangerous thing to say.

    Yea... this is something I’m trying to do in therapy. Part of my owning is recognizing I was never allowed to process what happened to me. I never had emotional support and was always supporting others. Last year I broke. I’ve been trying to piece myself back together but I can’t. I need help and I don’t know how to let anyone help. I’ve had to own that. I even said in therapy that’s my fault too. She looked at me like I had two heads... she said would you expect a student to do an extremely hard math equation they’d heard about seen the end results but never showed the process... I’m like no of course not. I got what she was saying. I am responsible for my choices but I also have recognize that I did the best I could with what I had to work with on some stuff. Some stuff I just made poor choices on because I was being stupid...

    This applies to everyone. Even my ex and my family. They all knew I was gay. It’s not hard to tell. They made a choice to accept the closet life, and pretend with me. It was easier than trying figure what happened... it was easier because I was focused on making everyone else happy. They got something amazing out of that life... I’m not blaming them. But I’m also not gonna take responsibility for their choices when they knew the truth. I believe people being shocked by ones sexuality isn’t normally true especially family. I think their have been signs and either they did everything they could to try and force you to change, they ignored it “hoping” it was a phase, or they accept it and give you time to come to terms.
     
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  12. Tightrope

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    This is so complex. First, there is a lot of that playing along with someone's being gay, married, and pretending. I've seen it with coworkers, professors, and people I'm acquainted with. It would set off the gaydar of any dilettante. It's not anyone's business to stick their nose into it. They can only hope that people will come to their senses and take the steps that need to be taken - whatever those steps are.

    I went to a general community free talk on a pop psychology topic. The speaker was a married and religious master's level therapist. When he opened his mouth, I was sort of floored. I looked around to see if others were showing any reaction. We were all pretending, as you say, and being respectful.

    Second, as for the sex or involvement with a person and situation like this, it depends on whether it's a ships that pass in the night situation or one that involves playing second fiddle. If you are being played, then the married person is being disingenuous. There is no telling whether or not they will leave for you because they are genuinely interested or whether you are one of their first extracurricular relationships ... where there could be many more. The person may or may not eventually settle. If it's a ships that pass in the night situation (a casual encounter), my belief is that you should not be judging them. It's none of your business. It's that person's business. He is an adult, can make his own decisions, and brought himself into a place or situation where this can occur. So did you. If you partook, you partook.

    How much we judge, if we do, should be in relation to the context and the effect it has upon us.
     
  13. I'mStillStanding

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    Oh I totally agree with being respectful. I think one of the reason I was so far in the closet was all the... are you gay? I got asked that so much by random people, friends, and family. What I’m saying is when I came out everyone was in shock and like what have you done? You’ve hurt this person (my ex). Well... ummmmm... y’all knew and even admitted you knew. So let’s not pretend it’s some surprise. I’m just saying people, especially family, I don’t think is generally blind sided by someone’s sexuality but like to pretend to be as a way to escape any responsibility of their actions in what happened while you were in the closet.

    But I’ve been in that situation a lot and have to be careful not to say... Ummmm he’s gay. Because you just know. But until someone is ready to embrace that, pointing it out is a very unfair thing to do.

    I totally agree on the ships passing in the night too. If it’s a causal encountered it’s up to you to do it, but don’t judge what anyone does. But I always say I am not enter into a relationship with someone who’s unavailable... it’s just never a good thing. It happened accidentally once and I got hurt so not gonna do it again.
     
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  14. Tightrope

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    This is so true. I knew someone who had a casual encounter with a married man. He was out and had a nasty way at times. I'm glad that he was just an acquaintance. I later learned his father had sexually abused him when he was younger.

    He told he once went to a nice department store to get some clothing. This wasn't too long after the casual encounter. He saw this guy in the same area of the department store, with his family. He told me how he saw the guy get real nervous, but his wife probably didn't know why. I told him that his thinking about outing him was incredibly wrong. He said that "he shouldn't be slumming with the queers" but said he decided not to say anything. This is someone who had been in therapy but needed to do more work. I hope he became less bitter as the years passed. I was very disturbed listening to this and his slant on the situation.
     
  15. I'mStillStanding

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    I am not a judgmental person. But I do believe you can judge a tree by the fruit it bares. An openly gay person who outs someone out of spit, jealousy, or really any reason is something I personally can’t see past. It’s not judgmental... it’s just you can’t unknow something. I’m glad this person you know didn’t do it, but the thought is scary.

    The reason I was in the closet is because of abuse. A family member when I was like 6, male, is the one who messed me up the most (there wore two others before this started at 4). He was an older teen and it went on for a little bit. I didn’t want people thinking I wanted it to happen so I had to be straight. Abuse can cause people to go to some weird places. I decided to go to the opposite side. Take care of everyone, be funny and happy all the time, always see the good in people... it makes me sad when I see someone so tortured from things like this. It’s a heavy thing to carry... hopefully he was able to find some way to work through it all.
     
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  16. Nickw

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    It's difficult not to apply our experiences to others. I know I have a problem with other married men I've met who are not out to their wives yet looking for casual m2m sex. I think it's because I came so close to cheating on my wife yet didn't. And, quite frankly, I'm as horny as any guy I've ever met. So, if I could resist anyone can. Of course this, in itself, is very judgmental. But, that doesn't mean we should look the other way when we consider becoming involved with another person who is in this situation. I just won't get involved with a married man who isn't out to his wife. I think we can still practice what we feel is right without exercising judgment on another person. Easier said than done.
     
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  17. I'mStillStanding

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    I understand completely what you’re saying. I didn’t cheat. I waited nearly two months after my separation in hopes I could actually be divorced first. When I saw that wasn’t gonna happen I gave up lol. But not everyone made the same choices I did. We had neither even kissed anyone else (like real kiss). And we had only kissed once briefly before we were married. So that influenced my decision for sure. I don’t judge guys who aren’t out here and have relations with guys. I know what’s it’s like here. It’s not the choice I made and I’m upfront about that. Have I hooked up with a married guy? Yes... one was even a guy I liked a lot and he acted like he was gonna come out so we could date. I said I hoped he did but he would have to come out and be out before we could even consider being serious. He got upset because I wouldn’t commit to just him before that happened... later I found out he wasn’t honest with me about his family. He had another child he hadn’t told me about who had sever health issues. This upset me so much. For him, his family, me. I was heart broken. That’s why I say I wouldn’t get serious with a guy not available (married or not out).

    I think I’ve changed my opinion on what’s right when it comes to sex over the years. I’m sure my opinions will change even more... I hope so lol. I just don’t think it’s my business to pry into others relationships. If a guy says he’s married and has to be discrete cause he’s not out I may asked does his wife know he’s gay, I may not. But I know guys who wife’s know they hook up with guys out of town, I know guys who’s wives are fine with them having sex with others (again out of town) but just doesn’t realize it’s men, etc. I just don’t think it’s my business to go to far into it... that’s why I don’t judge. I don’t know if this makes sense and it’s getting to wordy... if it doesn’t I’ll try and clarify lol.
     
  18. Nickw

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    @I'mStillStanding

    I totally get where you are coming from. The point I was trying to make was that we don't need to get involved with people we are uncomfortable with. If we can't accept that a guy is married, then don't get involved with him. Pretty simple!

    The only guys I feel comfortable having a relationship with are guys that are too young for the relationship to be sustainable. It works with my marriage. I know that this will generate a lot of judgment here. But, I try to be as honest as I can be about what I can offer. And, it's a lot really. But, it is not ever going to be me and a guy going off and becoming a couple.

    My current boyfriend is 28 years my junior. He got really screwed over in his last relationship and was, pretty much, withdrawn and depressed. We have a relationship that revolves around the present and we just make each other happy. There's not a future that we feel obligated to live for. I don't ever pretend it will be more than it is but it is pretty great now. My big thing now is just to be as honest as I can.
     
    #18 Nickw, Apr 28, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2019
  19. I'mStillStanding

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    I completely agree with what you saying. If you’re not comfortable, don’t engage. Just don’t judge others for their choices... it’s hard I know but people can do it lol.

    I hate you feel you get judged here for your boyfriends (though I’ve seen several comments that have pissed me off for you). I totally understand what your saying. Right now the only relationship I’d consider is with an older man. Someone who we both know there is a shelf life but we can spend time together and just enjoy the now. You have all the benefits of the relationship without the pressure of having to answer where is this going. You know where it’s going. When he’s ready for more it’s time to become friends and as long as communication is open then that’s awesome. Personally I think what you have with your wife is so precious and I understand why you safe guard it the way you do.
     
  20. Nickw

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    This is exactly what my relationships have been. This is my second longer term relationship with a younger man. The first I still chat with every other day. He has moved on. But, for awhile, I was a safe place for him. We will be seeing each other again in a couple months when I visit his new town. He is so dear to me. My current boyfriend really needs the same sort of safe place to hang out for awhile. And, I love to take care of him and know someday he will be ready again and will find someone who can be his one and only. I even introduced him to another young guy I thought would be perfect for him. In the meantime, what we have is so precious and unforced. Every day I am so amazed at how he is coming around.

    But, back to this subject of married guys as potential love interests. I know that guys like me have the position and power to influence younger men. That it is too easy to manipulate younger guys for a selfish interest. So, I'm not sure I would counsel anyone like you to, necessarily, seek out an older man. I think this is why sometimes married men will cheat with younger guys. Because they can take advantage. I think you are a pretty intuitive guy so you know this. But, I would still urge caution. I know that I am really careful to continue to reinforce that the relationship needs to be as equal as we can make it. Make sure you have an equal stake in any relationship especially with your history of abuse.