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Nearing Middle age and still a virgin.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by daniel1655, Dec 2, 2008.

  1. daniel1655

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    Hi, I wanted to know if I am the only one, I sure feel like I do.I have battled through life with depriving myself from love.I have that feeling that if I did, everyone would know,and would confirm their suspicions about me.I live in a in a straight world,most of my friends are straight and my profession is very straight.I have told my family and some female friends about who I am, and they are OK with it.But I still cannot accept myself, I think I am unworthy because of how I was made.I have always had feelings sexually for men since I was little,and none for women,so I grew up scared and confused, always trying to play it straight and lie to women who might be interested in me.I restrain from sex except for Gay Porn as to which I think I am addicted.It's easier to look at men instead of pursuing one.Not only that,but I don't like some gays(men) attitudes,they can be cruel and heartless, they only want a guy that has a sculptured body.I don't fit that, and I am very guarded so I would not parade the fact that I'm gay.I am just a normal guy, and I want to be seen as normal.I know it's a different time and age now, but I still hear the same things I did when I was a kid,and I am very frightened to express who I really am.Is there anyone like me, with no sex at this later stage in life?:icon_sad:
     
  2. hidden365

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    I'm sorta like that.... I wouldnt say a virgin but Ive never been with a men, and could say the last two times with a girl pretty much sucked considering I was fully aware of what the "problem" was. I really feel like I could and should and Id be ready if I found somebody... Naturally, but I don't and I start to shake just to see a gay pub or bar or something, keep freaking out that one of my friends will notice that I noticed that, hope we figure our shit out soon,
    Good Luck Bud,
    Ps.( I knoooow, some Gay people are Evil aren't they???)
     
  3. Swamp56

    Swamp56 Guest

    It's ok daniel, you're not the only one :slight_smile: . There are a few middle-aged men on this forum who are still virgins. Virginity doesn't change you (at least it didn't do a thing to me), and that's what you need to realize :grin: . So, who cares if you're a virgin or not, you're still the same person :slight_smile: .

    Also, don't be afraid to show your true self...times are different now :wink: . Just remember that you are you, and you're not going to change.
     
    #3 Swamp56, Dec 2, 2008
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  4. Markio

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    Yeah, I'm eighteen and a freshman in college, and I still haven't done anything. Not middle-aged, but I know I'll probably stay a virgin for life. Sex is often treated so casually and yet so significantly in life and relationships, but really, that should never be the focus of any relationship. (*hug*)

    Sex is just a masturbatory water fight. And if you aim really well, you make a baby. If not, it's just for fun and lots of people don't want to get wet in the first place; and then there's people who look sweaty all the time and who wants to hang out with a "drenched" person anyway? :icon_wink
     
  5. Evilmonkey

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    Daniel. please don't cut yourself off from the gay world because of the attitudes of some gay men. Yes, those gay men are out there, but if they are not the ones you want to meet, you will most likely avoid them. I think what you need is network of friends who are gay, lesbian and straight (men and women) who are gay friendly, and they will be able to help you help yourself. you dont need to have sex to be a happy person, but to have a relationship and live wiithout hiding yourself and to learn to love yourself.. isn't it time to give that to yourself? it takes a lot of courage to come out, but with the right support, it does get easier. and thats your first step
     
  6. Jim1454

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    Hi there. I'm 37, and just the last couple of years have come to terms with the fact that I'm gay. What helped me a lot was a therapist. Someone to talk to about how I was feeling. Someone that was unbiased and who could make suggestions and put things in perspective.

    The other thing I'd say is that coming out isn't an all or nothing kind of thing. I'm out to the people who matter, and that's all. I'm not out at work, even though I have a bf. We practically live together, but nobody needs to know that. But I've got to the point where if someone were to find out, I wouldn't be that concerned about it. I work in an office that is fairly professional, so I doubt I would suffer from any kind of descrimination. I'm not sure what type of work you do where you say that it's 'very straight'.

    In terms of what other gays are looking for - I'm not sure I know how you've arrived at these conclusions if you aren't out and don't have anything to do with gay guys. The fact of the matter is that if you're gay, there ARE other guys like you who are gay and DON'T fit the gay stereotype.

    You've also made a comment about being addicted to gay porn. I can also relate to that. If you're REALLY concerned about being addicted, send me a message - we can talk more about that. But even if you're not truly addicted, the message you're getting from gay porn is that being gay is all about having lots of sex with other hot and well built guys that you've just met, or who are delivering pizza, or who you happen upon in a locker room somewhere... It's not like that at all, but I can understand where people can get totally misled by that message.

    Bottom line? The only person that can change what's happening in your life is you. If you want to make changes to things that you're not happy with, then you need to do something different. And that means possibly taking risks. Going out on a bit of a limb. Doing things that feel a little uncomfortable. Because doing the exact same things you've done up until now will leave you not as a middle aged gay virgin, but an elderly gay virgin.

    Send me a message if you'd like to talk one on one.

    Again - welcome to EC. You'll find hanging out here is a great way to improve and broaden your understanding of what it means to be gay. Good luck!
     
  7. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC, daniel! :wave: Quite a bit to cover here, so lemme jump right in.

    You're right - coming out would confirm many people's suspicions. If you know a guy who never seems interested in the opposite sex, people start wondering what's up, and they usually guess the obvious - it's because they in fact AREN'T interested in the opposite sex. So do know that coming out, you most likely wouldn't be shocking a lot of people.

    About gay guys only wanting hot sculpted bodies. First off, think about the gay porn you look at. What are you normally watching? Ordinary-looking guys? Nope - hot sculpted bodies. Why is that? Well, because it's porn. It's not a real relationship - you're just looking for something hot to get you horny. Because of that, you can distill the participants down to the bare essentials. You don't care if he's a great conversationalist, or a fantastic cook, or really cares about your feelings, or (if it's like most porn) even if he's any good as an actor. You have one requirement - "get me horny". And what are the requirements there? Hot body, large cock. That's it.

    But now try this. If there's a gay section of town, go visit the shops and so forth. Or, if there's not one convenient, go online and look at pictures of gay organizations - volunteer groups and whatnot. Look at the people, and take a special note of any couples you might see. What do you see? Hot chiseled bodies? Maybe a few. But the rest...well, they look like people. Big, small, fat, skinny, bald, big-nosed, goofy-looking. And they're pairing up. They're finding people they click with, they're falling in love, and they're maintaining relationships. Ugly noses and all.

    Yes, when you're young, you're more apt to play "meat market". Go to the club, find somebody from across the room that makes you pudgy in the drawers, and try to make a play for him. But that becomes less common as guys get older. And yeah, part of it is that we strike out a lot more often. :slight_smile: But much of it is simply maturing, not just geting older. We realize that the hot guy might get us horny, but that's not going to be enough if he won't shut up about his acting career, or cares only about getting himself off. And when we look for something longer than a one-night fling, we tend to realize that other aspects might be more important.

    If you had asked me what my "type" was fifteen years ago, I would've described a tall, darkish, clean-shaven, well-chiseled guy with long dark hair. And now I'm partnered. To a shortish, white, bald, bearded, roundish guy. What happened? Did I settle? Not on your life. Something much better happened - I fell in love. I didn't reject him the moment I saw him. I got to know him, I clicked with him, and now we're a couple. And no, I still don't have a thing for short, round white guys. But nobody gets me hornier than him. Not because of what he looks like, but because of what he IS.

    And that's something to keep in mind, I think. By isolating yourself from other guys, yeah, you're preventing anyone from turning you down. But you're also isolating yourself from ever clicking with someone. With falling in love. And yeah, the sex part is amazing, but the falling in love is even more so.

    If all you really want to do is get laid, that's no problem. One well-written ad placed on the right website will do the trick. Heck, I'll even help you write it if you want. But I have a feeling that even a good night in bed isn't going to really take care of things. A full rethink is in order. You need to start by coming out - not to friends and family, but to you. You need to start accepting your sexuality, not as a horrible burden to be shouldered, but a simple fact about yourself. When you can look in the mirror and say "I'm gay" without feeling like you're getting punched in the stomach, when you can say it the same way you say "I'm six feet tall", then you've made that first step. If you're not there yet - and I have a feeling you're not - then maybe we can help you get there.

    Lex
     
  8. tm74

    tm74 Guest

    A lot has already been said, all of it good.

    I'm another "late bloomer" as far as being gay goes (only started accepting it this year) - and I'm still a virgin too, and I'm 34.

    Good luck, there's some good people on here - and although the site has a lot of youngsters, there's some older folks here too - and we're not judgemental.

    Currently there are a handful of people (discounting those I've talked to online via "gay" websites like EC) who know - but my team-mates at work don't know - and for now, they don't need to.

    I probably will come out to them when the time is right, and I've found someone (the company I work for has a very clear policy on discrimination of any kind) and there's a few other out gay guys at the office.

    As others have said, porn is porn - it's about attractive, gym-sculpted men acting for the camera. It's not real. I don't know anyone who actually looks like that - those are people who make a profession out of looking like that - the many many hours spent in the gym are part of that profession.

    Most guys don't look like that. I certainly don't. I'm 5'10" and 260lbs - the only way my body could be called "sculpted" is if play-doh was involved...
     
  9. edogs334

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    Well said, Lex!!!:thumbsup: Those are some encouraging words.
     
  10. Peter

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    Hi Daniel. I was 53 when I came out to my wife and my son. I remain committed to our relationship, which means no sex any more (various reasons for that). I have not had sex with another guy since I was 20, and then it was with my straight room-mate, only because I was there and his girlfriend wasn't when he was horny. I am not really interested in the gay scene, I do not believe I will ever meet anyone who resembles the people in the porn films or the coming-out films. That's life. One day I would like a cuddle. Meanwhile, half-a-dozen people know that I am gay (apart from the EC community :wink:) and I am not particularly interested in gay-pride and the other in-your-face activities.
    You are not alone. In the summer I went to an LGBT church service at a Christian event. Most of the people there were like you and me. I believe that a majority of gay people over the age of gay-death (29) are quiet people who just want to live an ordinary life.
    I do believe that repression is the source of frustration and recommend that you be honest. I am not promoting my gaiety :grin:, but I am not hiding it anymore (except from my mother!)
     
  11. EM68

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    Hey Daniel. Welcome! :welcome: I am another late bloomer here! Until about 6 months ago I was struggling with my sexuality. Once I found EC I was able to accept the fact that I am gay and and can say " I'm gay" without hating my self. Ask Lex :slight_smile:. He has been awesome and helped me a lot.

    I would just take your time and be comfortable with yourself before you come out to anyone. There is no rush. As for as being a virgin there is no shame in it. I'm a virgin also and 40 years old (no the movie is not about me :slight_smile:) Now that I am comfortable with myself, I have started to date online and met a couple of people. I have 2 dates this weekend with 2 different guys. This never happened to me before. See what happens. If you ever need to talk PM me, (*hug*). Also I am not to sure where you are, but try going to a support group like PFLAG, it is really helpful and what they say is private.
     
  12. Mirko

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    Hi there and welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    A lot has been already covered and there is some wonderful advice and support in the previous posts. But I thought I'll add a bit of my experience as well. I'm 31 years old and about eight months ago I decided that it is time to come out of the closet, or at least open the door a little bit to see what's on the other side. Opening that door has allowed me to accept myself for who I am. Yes, it took and it still takes a lot of energy and time but I know that being myself and enjoying my life the way it is meant to be will also allow me to do a better job in my professional work. I used my professional work to shield myself from my sexual identity. I do not do this anymore. I tried to fit in with my straight friends. I even asked girls out just so to fit in even though knowing full well that this is not who I am. Once a girl declined my invitation. Now you would think I would be down and disappointed. Honestly, I was a bit disappointed because I wanted to get to know her as a friend. But another side of me was happy and smiling because I knew this is not who I am.

    Trying to be someone who I am not, has caused me to build up internal homophobia. I missed an opportunity to learn from a friend who was gay because I felt uncomfortable around him. He was not the problem. I was the problem. By not talking about and accepting myself for such a long time I started going down a path that in the long run would have caused me even more problems, without even realizing it.

    Yes it is a roller coaster ride and my professional work has suffered a lot but with the help of a counselor, my sister, my friends to whom I have come out during the last number of months, people at my work place and a GLBT group, which I have joined. I have been able to make progress on a lot of fronts. I am a lot more comfortable with myself and around other members of the GLBT community. I have come to know some wonderful people and honestly I am glad that I did. By talking with them not only about coming out experiences but also about regular day to day stuff, I was able to attach a normality to things. That does not mean that I am not scared at times. But the times that I am scared and confused have diminished quite a bit. None of the people that I have met fit any of the stereotypes or the descriptions that you provided. They are normal people, just like you and me. The person that you will meet who will become your friend or even partner will also be a normal guy just like you.

    If you can, start by accepting yourself. It will take time and there will be a few hurdles to overcome but things look a lot better on the other side. Opening up about yourself, you will give others the chance to get to know you. What might help you in this journey is if you perhaps try to join a GLBT group where you can talk with people. Try to get to know them a little bit. If you are uncomfortable talking to a group of people, pick one person out of that group and go with her or him for a coffee. Yes it can be nerve wracking but being able to talk about it is half the battle.

    Once you have accepted and feel more comfortable with yourself, start thinking about coming out to others. Build your support network on which you can rely on. Take your time though. With time, you will start dating and finding that special someone will be a lot easier. It doesn't matter if you are a virgin. What matters is that you start being yourself for your own health and benefit.

    I can only encourage you to hang out on EC for a while and to read and to talk about whatever it is you want and need to talk about. EC has been a great help as well.
     
    #12 Mirko, Dec 3, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2008
  13. Tim

    Tim
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    Exactly what he said, except I'm almost 20 (well, in 3 months <_<), not 18 XD

    People treat sex like it's a right of passage, but in reality, I'd rather be a virgin, than someone who sleeps around with everyone, like some people. As far as I'm concerned, some guys will find it cute in the fact that you're waiting for the right type of person to come along to get into a relationship with.

    But yes, sadly, a lot of gay guys are shallow, but you know what, a lot of straight guys are too. It seems to be programmed into guys' heads, just some of us have better self control and sense of decency compared to others. There ARE non-shallow guys out there, you just have to go out and look. :grin:
     
  14. TheRoof

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    i totally agree in what ur saying,
    seems like sex is treated so casually these days,,like without
    any meaning or specialness(?)
    i wouldn't want a sex without any emotions and real meaning
    cuz it's just empty and hollow