Navigating Love and Identity in the Middle East

Welcome BMO! This site, with its policy of anonymity, shows both how far we have come in recent decades, but also how far we have left to travel when it comes to queer acceptance, equality and safety. I very much look forward to hearing your perspectives on LGBTQ+ issues.

 

Hello!

I could understand how that frustration could manifest into resentment and anger over time. I’m glad that you have supportive family and friends. Are they aware of your sexuality? It’s wonderful that you love who you are because I bet people in similar situations especially in certain countries/cultures feel a deep sense of shame of self-hatred which can be devastating. How do you see your future panning out? Do you have options? For example, moving away from this community. You shouldn’t have to of course, in an ideal world everyone should be able to exist in peace.

 

i wish i could offer an easy, holistic solution, but i do not think there is one. i think your intelligence and (self) awareness give you advantage over someone who is not conscious of the role their environment, the world around them, plays i their ability to simply be. i do think most everyone has closets in their life, that pretty much everyone hides things about their self that they fear will get them rejected. For LGBGT+ people, their 'house' often also has a panic room. Again though, i think the fact that you are aware of how hiding can effect you, gives you a leg up.

We're all individuals, so i only offer suggestions, thoughts, vs any notion of directing or advising you.

i grew up in a non accepting/non supportive family, as well as in a fundamentalist religious culture that believed LGBTQ+ people are "broken, sinful, sick, etc.." As i see it, the fundamentalist mindset is one of the more destructive cultural influences on the planet. Understanding what i do now, if i had a do over for my life, i'd find a large, gay friendly city and move there. i'd live in one of the gay ghettos that have been created by gay people over the years for the very reasons you note in your post... and more. i think such places are a way LGBQT+ have pushed back and found to change and expand the world we live in. There are such places, all around the world, where a gay person can live openly and not have to constantly hide or struggle. Of course, there are costs, the question becomes finding what's most important to you and making decisions that will support and nurture those parts of you.

 

Wow you articulated that a million times better. I know this is very different to BMO’s situation but have you heard of the Westboro Baptist Church? I found it fascinating watching documentaries about this group and how the children were so indoctrinated and yet some years later some life event snapped a few of them out of it. It was either conversing with someone kind and non-judging outside of this cult that gave them something to think about or the dread of whatever punishment they were expecting for any given reason. I wonder if I was brought up in that type of environment if I would be strong enough to escape. It must be the most difficult and brave decision.

 

Yeah, as a matter of fact... a couple of years ago they were picketing at our local Pride Festival, i had the opportunity to flip them off as i walked by, not something i'd typically do, but just sort of happened spontaneously.

i was a member of a similar cult, and can attest to how big a role environment/culture can play in ones life. Leaving out a lot of detail, but i married a woman based on a "prophecy" one of the members of our particular "church" received (rolls eyes at self).

The "indoctrination" you note conditions one to equate/identify their espoused ideas and beliefs as "God." So, if you question or object in any way, one is not questioning people or ideas about "God," but actually questioning "God." i think it's the ultimate MF. my escape was a very long process of sincere belief and trying to adhere to those beliefs. The closet actually aided me in my escape because it was just me and "God." i talked to "God" constantly about my situation, mostly begged God to help me not be gay, or at least not act on it... for decades. Daily tears, crying, fasting, praying, having 'demons' cast out. What finally dawned on me after trying all the religious belief ideas all those years is, God wasn't really in evidence.

Re the "...conversing with someone...." This did help me as well. Part of my religious conditioning was "there is none good but God...," and by extension, it's impossible for any good to come out of someone who is not 'walking with God.' Over the years, i had written many letters to christian leaders, asking for advice, help, and never received one reply. Not one. Then one day i found an email address for Noam Chomsky and wrote him. And He replied... the same day. We had several exchanges, he told me personal information about how when he was young, age 12, he decided he was going to be more religious than his father. Both of his parents were Jewish religious scholars, and i assume he was speaking of his Bar Mitzvah. He told me he received a few days of training and decided, no, he was not going to do this. Imagine at age 12 making that kind of decision? But the thing that struck me and influenced me most was his utter love and kindness to a complete stranger, one who was still stuck in my religious conditioning and still had some of the obnoxious attitudes that went with it (like speaking authoritatively about "God.") He was nothing but good and loving and non-judging to me, which completely flew in the face of my conditioning. He was definitely part of my processing out of religious conditioning.

 

I think the closet did aid you in your escape. It’s scary to think if you were heterosexual or if you were not as brave you may still be with that religious group, stuck in that mindset. I can’t imagine how mentally taxing that must have been day after day.

I bet that felt good flipping them off! They are insufferable BUT if I did come across WBC (unlikely obviously in the UK) I have to say I would be tempted to give them a huge smile and befriend one of them. I know that sounds treasonous given my sexuality but I prefer psychological warfare. I would focus on one of the younger people, get to know them and try to make them realise I am not the enemy. ‘We are not enemies but friends. We must not be enemies!’ Blah blah. One thing that stood out to me on these docs I watched is that it was like a major system malfunction to them when people interacted with them nicely. They don’t know how to proceed when strangers are polite or when they are just being ignored completely. Like you said when Noam was unprejudiced and kind towards you it ‘flew in the face of your conditioning!’

 

You strike me as a wonderful person of substance, i would love for you to live your life to the fullest, and for others to have the opportunity to know the whole you.

The world has beauty and ugliness, good and evil. i count myself fortunate to have truly seen through and processed out of fundamentalist mind set vs just rebelling against it. i've seen a lot of people replace one form of fundamentalism for another.

The autobiography of Ayaan Hirsi Ali, "Infidel," was a profound reading experience for me. A Somalian woman whose experiences and culture had so many similarities to my own. Ironic, because fundamentalist Islam and fundamentalist Christians are both certain their way is the only way, and each hates the other, while essentially being the same- they both have the same absolutist notions that they are the sole possessors of 'the truth.' To me the fundamentalist mindset is one of the top poisons, evils, in the world today. It's the underlying notion that a finite, imperfect being (i.e. "human"), could somehow magically know something, and then insist that everyone else should agree with their conclusions,

While my experience was difficult, and i literally lost everything, relationships, material fortune i'd spent my life building, what i gained was beyond any price i paid. i gained understanding, freedom and peace. And, while i no longer claim to know a specific god with a specific name, i continue to experience something other, something outside myself, that seems to have helped and helps me along the way. i frequently express gratitude to the ether, and also ask for help from the same.

There are without a doubt, places where you can live more free. But i think the biggest freedom is accepting your self enough to pursue your best and most authentic life.

 

It is a really nice space to share and connect, everyone here is really understanding .

Societal pressure is the thing isn't it, it's that conformity. Again, I'm glad you have your family. That is so important and you felt comfortable and confident enough to be honest with them.

Moving to somewhere more accepting isn't a simple decision you are right. It's a decision you shouldn't even have to be considering to avoid being open with serenity. Something we take for granted in my country I think.

I'm here if you ever want to chat