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My wife is pregnant and just found out i'm gay

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Alb, Jun 6, 2019.

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  1. Alb

    Alb
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    Hi everyone, this might be hard for people to offer un-judgemental advice on as I have allowed possibly the worst situation to occur.

    I have know pretty much all my life that I am gay but I have never really admitted it to myself properly and certainly not to anyone else. I have now been married for 9 years, have a 4 year old son and my wife is 3.5 months pregnant.

    Twice over the last year she has found me looking at ######. The first time should have been my queue to come clean and tell her the truth but I was (and always have been) so terrified of the fallout and what being gay actually means that I somehow convinced her that I wasn't and that I just needed counselling. I went to counselling and we managed to get on with our lives as though nothing had really happened. WE decided to a have another baby and she is now 3.5 months pregnant.

    Last week it happened again. I don't know what exactly is wrong with me but I can't help myself and find myself constantly thinking about being overwhelmingly attracted to men. She now knows that I am at least attracted to men to a degree but I still haven't told her I think I;m gay... i'm just so scared.

    She is also so terrified and sick that she is carrying my baby and utterly disgusted with me. As I am with myself. I can't believe I have allowed myself to create this situation.

    I really do love my wife and my son is so precious and I have an unborn child yet to come but how on earth do I manage this?

    I have tried telling her that I will always be there for her and love her and will do everything i can to support everyone but she just wants nothing to do with me. We both have good jobs, we earn well and have a nice house but me moving out to a rented flat will be crippling financially as everything is so expensive here... and that totally messes up her maternity leave plans...

    I am so scared of the judgement yet to come my way from family and friends, I just don't know what to do.

    I just want to stop crying and find a way through this...

    What have I done?!
     
    #1 Alb, Jun 6, 2019
  2. Mary007

    Mary007
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    I don't actually have any tip for you but I understand how you feel! I think I am in the same position but opposite (I think I'm lesbian) and I'm married as well.. I hope the time will make us find a solution!

    It's not your fault, it's not my fault either, I think we were juste made like that but it took us way too long to accept it.. Stay strong!
     
    #2 Mary007, Jun 6, 2019
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  3. Chip

    Chip
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    Hi, and welcome. You are absolutely in the right place. There are a whole lot of people here whose stories are similar to yours, and who have been or are now in your situation, so you're far from alone.

    The first thing to know is that it's OK to be upset, scared, anxious, depressed. It's OK for your wife to feel angry, betrayed, abandoned. All of this is part of the process of your coming to terms with who you are. The unfortunate part is that it came about as it did, in a way that causes such upheaval, not to mention the stress for your wife, whose hormones are already out of alignment as a result of the pregnancy. Both of you are going through the stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance), so recognize that and give yourselves time to process things.

    You've already taken the first step. You're talking about what's going on for you. I think in your particular case, being completely honest with your wife is probably necessary at this point. She basically already knows or assumes, and so every day you avoid owning up to it, you're just driving a further wedge, and creating more anger and resentment for her. Basically, it sounds like it's time to rip off the band-aid.

    There will be a lot to talk about. The fortunate piece is that both of you are at least OK financially, and so there should be a way through this that will work.

    Do you have a good therapist already? One familiar with LGBT and coming out issues? That is pretty core to your needs right now. EC can be a help as well, but therapy will be crucial. At a certain point, your wife will also need therapy. Your kids will be fine.

    One suggestion I can make is to get Joe Kort's wonderful book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" which has almost nothing to do with finding real love, and everything to do with understanding yourself and coming to terms with being gay. There's a chapter in there that's particularly helpful to heterosexually married gay men like yourself. It might be out of print, so you might need to check bookfinder.com to find a copy.

    Another is to try and take a breather from hookups and same-sex contact for the moment to clear your head.
     
    #3 Chip, Jun 7, 2019
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  4. Dionysios

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    My friend,
    So sorry to read about your situation. Try not to despair. Use it as an opportunity. You could not have hid this forever. As I know myself, just having a loving wife and children does not remove same-sex desires. All it does is to make you miserable.

    It's best to be honest with your wife, no matter how painful it is. She deserves to know the truth. Perhaps she may opt to stick with you (if you are bisexual it may work). If you are gay, as I was, the option may be separation and divorce. Financially we who are closeted and married take a big hit. My wife and I prepared for six months for our separation. We paid off debts and saved money to enable us to moves on separately to begin our new lives.

    You can do the same if you so desire. You clearly cannot live as before. Speak with your wife and figure out how to proceed. You can still be there for her and for your kids, but a new dynamic may be needed. Don't despair. And try not to worry about family judgement. You have an opportunity to reveal your true self to others. If they truly love you, they will support you.

    Now you have the chance to live tour real life. No matter the turmoil you face now, you will be happier in the future being yourself. *smile*
     
    #4 Dionysios, Jun 7, 2019
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  5. Alb

    Alb
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    Thanks for the responses guys, since my initial post, nothing has really changed in our relationship, we don't really speak, I'm in the spare room (all the time when at home), and each day I see her belly getting bigger with our baby...

    In my mind though, I think I'm there... I need to say those words to her but i've never even said them to myself... I don't know how ready I am to 'come out'. My whole life has been one of deception and lies and the truth terrifies me to my core...

    We did have an emotional evening a day or so ago, where we cried, i said i was just so confused etc and I think she would try to understand but my problem is myself... Not sure I can accept myself being myself... if that makes sense?

    This feels like the hardest thing i've ever had to do and i'm just not sure I can do it!
     
    #5 Alb, Jun 11, 2019
  6. Chip

    Chip
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    It may well be up there with the hardest things you've ever done. That said, I'm confident you can do it, and you really *should* do it sooner rather than later. Every week you delay is a week you're taking away from your wife having the opportunity to find someone who can truly love her the way she deserves to be loved... and, for you as well, being able to find someone you can truly love.

    This is a "rip off the band-aid" moment. It will be painful, but it will be so much better in the long run for both of you, and the longer you wait, the more difficult, and the more painful, it becomes.

    You could write a letter and ask her to read it in front of you. Many people have done that, and it is often a less painful, and less confrontational way of solving the issue.
     
    #6 Chip, Jun 11, 2019
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  7. Alb

    Alb
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    Thank you Chip, I just feel like such a coward!
     
    #7 Alb, Jun 11, 2019
  8. Chip

    Chip
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    I understand why you'd feel like a coward. Everyone who has been in your shoes has felt that way. This isn't easy, and our natural tendency is to try to avoid unpleasant things. In general, with any sort of change, we don't really embrace it until the pain of sitting still where we are is greater than the fear of going into the unknown. It seems you're pretty close to that point. So maybe the best thing is to sit with it, think about the consequences in either direction, and try and decid e what's best based on that. And what I can tell you is... in nearly 100% of these situations, contemplating walking into the fear is much, much more difficult than actually doing so.
     
    #8 Chip, Jun 11, 2019
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  9. Nickw

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    I understand how this feels. One thing that is important to remember is that you are not to blame for this. Many of us don't understand how really important these same sex desires are. We enter relationships for all the right reasons and believe that the gay thoughts will just go away. And, for awhile life gets so busy and we really do feel we have found love with an opposite sex partner and we build lives. One day we realize that our sexuality is really who we are and it all comes crashing down.

    I know a number of gay men who were married to women and have children. Life goes on. There are some situations where there was a lot of strife and their wives never could forgive them. But, in most of the cases I know, everything worked out for everyone. In all cases, the men are happier than they were in a marriage they couldn't be totally engaged in. It won't be easy.

    There are other options out there. I am in a MOM (Mixed Orientation Marriage) But, I am bisexual and have been married a long time...35 years. I do know of a couple of gay men who remain married and have this big open anything goes boyfriends, wives kids etc. But, that is pretty (exceedingly) rare. I also have one friend who's wife remains his best friend and they each have new husbands, live separately, but share the child care. There are lots of options.

    It all begins with being completely honest with your partner though.
     
    #9 Nickw, Jun 11, 2019
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  10. Alb

    Alb
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    So... I've just done it! I was to coward to tell her to her face, so wrote a long note for her. She's read it but so far silence... Cant say I feel relieved or like a weight has been lifted but at least it's now out there... first step taken! No going back!
     
    #10 Alb, Jun 19, 2019
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  11. Alb

    Alb
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    I text my wife earlier to see if she was ok and to say how sorry I am again. I just got the response saying, 'Leave me the F**K alone!'

    What should I do? I now she is hurting but how can I try to get her to talk to me? Or should I just stay out of her way? I've had no one to talk to about all of this and I just really miss her, and our relationship... starting to wonder if i've done the wrong thing...
     
    #11 Alb, Jun 20, 2019
  12. TJ

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    I absolutely believe you did the right thing by telling her. That takes guts, so be proud of yourself for doing that.
    Naturally, your wife will be feeling some symptoms of loss right now and will need time to process what you've confirmed for her. If she doesn't have an existing, negative predisposition to LGBTQ people, I'd bet there's a good chance she will come to terms with it and be able to talk with you to make a plan.
    My advice is to, yes, give her space and time for now, but additionally, I would let my her know how sorry you are, that you understand this must be incredibly difficult, and that when she's ready, you're ready to talk with her and talk about the next step.
    In the meantime, take some time for yourself (and your kids) to find a therapist to talk to. This is a lot of change for you to process, and it can go much more smoothly with professional help.

    Congratulations on coming out, by the way. That itself is a huge burden to bear, so I'm happy you're beginning to lighten to load.
     
    #12 TJ, Jun 20, 2019
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  13. Alb

    Alb
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    Thank you so much TJ. I am actually going away this weekend (we were all meant to be going ) to see my parents for my Dad's birthday, and her parents are now coming to see her, so I think some distance and them for her to talk to should help. She has a very positive view of LGBTQ+ people so far as she marched in our Pride for 2 years. She never saw her own husband as gay though and being pregnant is just making it all so much worse for her. I have my own therapist, who is being excellent and she has someone too, so at least there is professional help.

    I went for a really long walk today and actually said the words I'm gay to myself out loud for the first time... it has affirmed it to me that i've done the right thing, it doesn't make it any easier though.

    What does help though are the kind and thoughtful words from complete strangers on here... I really appreciate it!

    Things can only get better right?!
     
    #13 Alb, Jun 20, 2019
  14. Alb

    Alb
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    It seems most of you are all in the US, which is far, obviously! But your kindness travels well!
     
    #14 Alb, Jun 20, 2019
  15. Chip

    Chip
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    First, congratulations on taking the step. I know it hurts, I know you and she are both hurting, and I also know that it is almost certainly, in the long run, best for the both of you.

    So any time there's a loss -- in this case, loss of a marriage and a husband -- there are stages we go through- denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance. It can take minutes or months, sometimes longer, to go through the stages, and they aren't always sequential; people go back and forth sometimes.

    She had some indications before, but was able to rationalize or justify ignoring them. That's the denial phase. What you're seeing now is the anger phase, and while it's incredibly uncomfortable and unpleasant, it is also quite common and to be expected.

    So the best thing is to just wait it out. If you really wanted to, you could send a text that says something like "I know you're really angry and are hurting. I'm hurting too, and I don't want to hurt you further. I'm here when/if you want to talk." And just leave it at that for the time being.

    This communicates that you're still ready to be there for her, though she probably won't be able to get past the anger for a while. So, as hard as it is, giving her space is probably the best thing. And taking time for yourself is probably also a really good thing.
     
    #15 Chip, Jun 20, 2019
  16. Alb

    Alb
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    So... sorry for a depressing post but things are going down hill pretty rapidly. My wife has now decided she is going to move 300 miles away to be near her parents, we are to sell the house, taking all the money and she is taking our son and leaving me with all out debt and I need to pay her £580 a month in maintenance. I keep having panic attacks, something I've never ever had before... My heart is shattered in to a million pieces, my mind is filled with utter chaos and I have no idea whatsoever how I'm going to handle this. Every time we speak I end up in tears within minutes and I am just not coping, I have an excellent therapist but she can only help so much... please, if anyone has any practical advice right now, I really need it!!
     
    #16 Alb, Jun 25, 2019
  17. regkmc

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    Alb, I feel for you. Practically, I’d figure out a way to be physically close to your kids so that you have a better shot at a life with them in it. You will likely have to plan a move and find a new job, which will be hard, but I bet you can do it. I’d give her enough space, but you have just as much of a right to be involved in your kids lives. They need a healthy Dad, and while your wife is hurting, she’ll eventually want you to be well too, if only for the sake of her kids.

    Breathe, exercise, talk to a close friend or family member. Keep doing that. It will get better.
     
    #17 regkmc, Jun 25, 2019
  18. Mysteria

    Mysteria
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    This sounds horribly cold, I'm sure, but as the one who was the "guilty" party in a divorce who got screwed over and could have got screwed over a lot worse if my ex felt like it- get a lawyer. You haven't been unfaithful, you haven't neglected her or your son, and you have rights. I know you have to be feeling horribly guilty right now and that can cloud things but this wasn't something you did to hurt her..
     
    #18 Mysteria, Jun 25, 2019
  19. Alb

    Alb
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    I feel like this will just make things worse... and yes I am the guilty part and yes it does sound cold. Its not going to make me feel better, it will make things worse!
     
    #19 Alb, Jun 25, 2019
  20. Alb

    Alb
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    Sorry nykteria, that was harsh, i just feel like salvaging a good relationship with my wife is the most important thing right now.
     
    #20 Alb, Jun 25, 2019
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