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My wife has a new male friend and I’m concerned.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Ron961, Aug 26, 2022.

  1. Ron961

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    Hi everyone,

    I would appreciate your opinions on the following matter as I don’t really know what I should think or feel myself: my ratio clashes with my feelings.

    The issue is this: I have been married to a very pretty and nice woman for two months. We’ve been together for 3 years and have lived together for two years. Currently there are no issues or problems between us and we’re both happy.

    Now she has worked for the same company for two years and has met a male single colleague with whom she gets along well. The three of us went to do sports once and he went to our house twice to play board games. Personally I’m not too fond of the idea of her meeting him or befriending him (mainly due to the fact that he’s handsome and smart and competition) but I also know that I can’t stop it. We talked about their “friendship” (although they occasionally exchange casual messages on instagram or WhatsApp) and she knows that I don’t like it. I personally don’t really believe in male-female friendships and think there will be more expectations from one or both sides sooner or later. She knows this. But she says there’s nothing between them; no chemistry or sexual tension.

    Now the question is: what should I accept and what boundaries should I set? My mind usually says “there’s nothing between the two, don’t worry” while my feelings race with agony, anger and worry whenever she says she will meet him. Do did today, after she told me she will visit his house this weekend. He recently moved and she wants to see his house, alone. Now really I find this not appropriate: spending time with a guy alone, going on holiday together or staying over for the night are things I really oppose.

    The thing is: I don’t want to lose myself in these situations but I do need to set clear boundaries. At the same time I know that not allowing things will only make it more interesting (“why is he protecting me, maybe the guy is interesting after all?”)

    I just don’t understand why she would jeopardize our relationship and bring herself in dangerous situations. Is she naive?

    What is your view on this? Should I not be a wimp and insecure and just let her? Or should I set the boundary before there is worse to come ?

    Thank you so much!
     
  2. TinyWerewolf

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    Hey I'm really sorry you're having a rough time with this, I know that has to suck. However, you just married this woman, you've been with her for over three years- you need to trust her to deny his advances if he makes any towards her. She loves (and is attracted to) you, not some male friend, not some random guy, you. You know how I know that? She said yes to your proposal, and she went through with it.

    Now I know jealousy can be a difficult beast, I've dealt with it some myself in the past. Try something for me here- ask yourself where this jealousy is coming from. Is it a behavior you've seen him do towards her? Is it something he's said? Or is it simply your worry that you're not good enough? Use that information to have a conversation with your wife about it.

    Now when I've dealt with jealousy myself it was the last one for me, I didn't think I was good enough for her. The friend I was worried about and my then girlfriend did have history even. I made the decision to trust her, because I could tell she truly did love me. We did break up for an entirely different reason, but I think you could benefit from the story. I still have to work on my insecurities and overcoming them, but knowing that one person loved me like that helps. I'm only telling you this because I think it will help.
     
    #2 TinyWerewolf, Aug 26, 2022
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2022
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  3. FireFox

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    How I view this is let her be, you both are in a marriage which bounds you both to rules if you will. If she betrays that then time to go.

    First step is to communicate with her and see where the ground is then build from there, at the end of the day if you made a female friend how would she respond because at the end of the day, it's a two-way street and you're both adults but anyway talk first and see where you stand.
     
    #3 FireFox, Aug 26, 2022
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2022
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  4. bsg75apollo

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    I'm not going to say that the other posters are wrong, but my experience has been different, so I can understand your concerns.

    Years ago, my wife went back to school to finish her degree. She befriended a younger male classmate. They studied together and went to the movies a couple of times. I knew that he probably had a crush on her, but I trusted her completely.

    We are now going through a divorce. She has rekindled the friendship and has been spending a lot of alone time with him. Here's the catch, he's currently engaged. She also confessed to me that back then, she had feelings for him.

    I'm not saying that your wife is like her. Hopefully not. I just wanted to give an opposing viewpoint.
     
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  5. Ron961

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    Thanks a lot for your answers everyone. I realize that I cannot stop her from meeting a male co-worker (friend). I think my jealousy or concern will only make things worse.

    I just don’t understand why she would need a new male friend (he had come into her life after we met) and would risk our marriage ; I believe there’s too much of a risk when a single guy and a woman meet.

    Then boundaries: what boundaries should I set? What would you do in my position?

    Staying over alone at a single male’s place is a no go in my opinion, so is her going on a holiday with him. But thirdly I also believe that spending time together alone in his house is quite risky. And If I approve this; what will come next? What if I share my concerns and she doesn’t listen, would that be disrespectful? I believe in marriage one should listen to each other. Or am I being disrespectful for not letting her go to his place?

    I know she has chosen me and loves me. Maybe I’m just overreacting. But I just don’t understand why she doesn’t take my viewpoint and just says she’s going to his place without thinking about me and my concerns. She knows that I’ve had concerns regarding this in the past. She did invite me to his place as well but I don’t necessarily want to have a new friend. Also, She has many female friends, why would she need a single male one? I know how guys think (OK, probably not all), but having a pretty woman in your house would probably bring other thoughts to your mind than just drinking a cup of tea. Surely she still has an option should he make avances, but why would you risk bringing yourself into this position?
     
  6. Ron961

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    thank you. We’ve talked about this in the past. She knows I don’t need female friends because if she’s pretty I know eventually sexual thoughts occur in my mind which I don’t think it’s fair for my wife. And because or this she wouldn’t be too fond of the idea of me having female friends.
    Other than that I do have female colleagues with whom I can get a long well, but don’t feel the urgency of meeting them alone outside of work.
     
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  7. Redmelon

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    I am having a lot of conflicting emotions as I read this. I personally do think male and female friendships can work, and that you need to trust your wife because she told you nothing was going on and you are both adults.
    But since you said you have spoken about this before and know how the other feels, it's important to reach an agreement, like you mentioned ground rules or boundaries etc that are acceptable on both sides. Even then rules wont stop people straying outside of their relationship physically or emotionally if they are determined to do so, whether it's heterosexual or same sex, married or just partnered up, it's just going to be about trust and communication.
    You say that you don't have female friends because if she is 'pretty', sexual thoughts would appear and its not fair on your wife, but would you have female friends if they were not 'pretty'? Your wife says that they are just friends and have no sexual chemistry, you admitted you were jealous because of how the other man looks amongst other things, if he were not good looking would you still feel the same?

    My ex husband also did not believe in male female friendships, that made life difficult, he wanted to know how many men were at my work place, who I spoke to, if they were married, single or gay, their age, if they were good looking. If he met me after work, he'd get mad if he saw me walking to the station with them or talking, did they like me, did I like them, it was exhausting. No matter how many times I said just a friend or work colleague it wasn't enough.
    Interestingly enough, he didn't have the same attitude toward male female friendships if they were with him. He had tons of female friends, went to the cinema, out to dinner, days out, church, praying together, even on holiday and he said they were all just friends, used to send me pictures of where he was and what he was doing so I wouldn't 'worry'. Did I believe him? I don't know, but I sat at home with the kids being a dutiful wife.
     
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  8. RD Spencer

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    Sorry you are dealing with this and I truly hope it is nothing.


    But my opinion is going to be an unpopular one.
    From what I have seen in relationships of people I know this situation seems to be pushing beyond boundaries.


    I would feel completely out of line going to the movies, spending time and being in another woman’s home alone, other than my wife.

    Neither has my wife has never shown interest in needing to spend time alone with men other than me as well.


    These are things couples typically do together and to me is quite different than work and group settings. Even previous/old friends can be understandable depending on the circumstances.


    But to be making new friends of the opposite sex and spending that kind of time together just seems like a lot. Especially for attractive people with a fair amount of sex appeal. Feelings beyond friendship can develop quickly.


    I experienced a good example of this last year with a women I was working on a project with at work. We got along great and really enjoyed spending time together. She was showing a lot of signs of flirting including touching and even holding her hand on mine for long periods of time, just to see what I was holding. Then she talked about her marriage struggles and that she is seriously considering divorce.

    I was honest with myself about what was going on and held an appropriate boundary. But it was clear the feelings were there.

    To be hanging out with her alone would be flirting with disaster, and I would never consider it.


    Another unpopular opinion of mine is often people aren’t all that honest with themselves about how they truly feel about other people, often disregarding sexual feelings as nothing significant.

    There are plenty of examples of this on this forum alone, not to mention lgbt and relationship sub-reddit’s on social media sights.


    Both my wife and I have been burned in previous relationships and in the beginning we told each other that if one of us feels a need to be with someone else then be up front about it and move on.


    Sorry this sounds so pessimistic and It’s completely understandable for you to have feelings of concern but be careful not to let your feelings become out of control and angry.


    Like others have said, communication is important here and it’s also ok to have realistic boundaries. Your feelings matter too. At the same time be receptive for her to be open with you about how she feels.


    With all of that said this could still just be a simple friendship and nothing more.


    Good luck and take care of yourself.
     
  9. chicodeoro

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    When I was still a male I had many friendships with attached (and unattached) women. It was never an issue. I think the key thing is does this fellow want to be friends with you, as well as your wife? Does he see you as a couple and respect that?

    I agree there are boundaries - I think going on holiday together and not inviting you is beyond the pale. But just going round to his house, I think, is perfectly fine.

    Interesting language here..Don't think of this as a test of your masculinity. In my experience if you are generous and trusting with your love you will get it back in spades. And as others have said, it's important to be open in your communication with your wife. If you're not, resentment and envy will fester and given that you're still newlyweds that would something of a shame, would it not?

    Best of luck, Beth
     
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  10. BiGemini87

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    Your belief that male-female friendships can't work/will always result in chemistry is a very heteronormative one: men and women are entirely capable of just being friends regardless of what you believe, because your experience does not equal all experiences.

    That being said, I can completely understand where you're coming from. It's natural to want certain boundaries to be set and adhered to, such as not wanting her to spend the night alone with him or going on vacation alone with him. In my view, that is entirely acceptable, since at present, you have very little information about this guy: it's not just a matter of monogamy or a lack of trust, but also of ensuring that she too is safe. For instance, if I recently made friends with a guy who wanted to take me on vacation, I would fully expect my husband to protest: not because he doesn't trust me (he does), but because there are too many unknown variables where said guy is concerned--he could be shady and capable of criminal acts, for all I'd know. I'd say, if you were approaching the subject from this angle, your wife might be more open to hearing you out.

    As to your jealousy? I know it's not something that you can just get rid of with the snap of your fingers, but I will say @TinyWerewolf gave you some excellent suggestions: dig deep, try to figure out where these feelings are coming from, whether they are external, internal or both. If they are internal, that is something you're going to have to work on if you want this marriage to work. If something external (such as something this guy said or did, or even your wife herself said or did), then you need to discuss this openly and honestly with her and above all, allow her room to say her piece.

    Boundaries are more than okay--they are necessary. But be sure that you and wife can agree on what those boundaries are, compromise where you both can, and if you can't, do your utmost to work through things together. I don't know your wife, so I can't speak to her motives; she might be telling the truth, she might not. I will say though, that there can be no relationship where there is no trust. Just something to think about.
     
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  11. Ron961

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    Thanks a lot for your replies everyone! I've decided to let it go for now, although my situation has changed somewhat.
     
  12. Phil0110

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    It's a very bad situation :frowning2: I can understand what you feel. Did you tell your wife about your feelings? As I understood you know him personally, is he a danger to your relationship? I suppose you should know him better.
     
  13. rainbow96

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    Why would she think it’s okay to go on a whole TRIP with a single male colleague?! That is insane, in my opinion.
    I’m a married woman (married to a woman) and neither of us would consent to this type of situation.
     
  14. PJ208

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    I agree here. Her spending time alone with another man isn't really appropriate. Why the insistence of not including you? Why not include you? Are you not her friend also?
    On the other hand, let her be free and herself. Trust her. If she crosses the line then in a way she's done you a favor and let you know (in a horrible way) that it isn't going to work out long term Better to know now than 10yrs and 3 kids later.

    Best of luck.