1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

My traumas

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Rayland, Jan 18, 2023.

  1. Rayland

    Moderator Full Member Away

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2021
    Messages:
    1,127
    Likes Received:
    609
    Location:
    Estonia
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    This is something I've been too nervous about posting at all. I didn't even want to post it anonymously in the forum at first. I did talk about some of it in PM's with a member, so it made all the old feelings resurface, that I've been trying to surpress. It takes out of me a lot. I will probably discuss it with my therapist too.
    These things are all part of my traumas. And made me think I'm a very bad person, who needs to be punished.

    Never in my life I would have thought these things will impact my mental health. I never dealt with mental health at all and I got offended, when a classmate once told me that I need therapy.

    1st trauma started very early childhood. What was about me killing a kitten, because my uncle ordered me to throw it over the high fence, what I did while crying. I have no idea, if it survived or not. I wasn't allowed to keep it. It just came into my yard. There were lots of homless cats roaming freely in the neighbhourhood back then.

    2nd trauma was when I worked in the hospital, while I was still a student. I made so many mistakes. I forgot the bed frame down, instead of up, so the woman fell out, when tried to get out. Though there were loads of other carers and nurses around. We got her back, but she died. She couldn't breathe. I still don't understand why wasn't she given an oxygen mask. The worst was that no one told me anything. Not even yelling at me forgetting bedframe down. The silence was deafening. I've been blaming myself for it all, even if it was out of my hands. Later I went and worked at nursing home for a year, there were no such intances or in the emergency care unit, where I worked for a while. Now I can't work in the hospital anymore, because of back pains. I was never offered a psychological help back then at all. No one thought I may need it.

    3rd trauma. I felt like I didn't do enough for my grandma before she died in the hospital, when she was sick at home and it didn't help that doctors in the hospital told my family that the ambulance should have invited sooner and she haunted me in dreams and made me confused, so I was afraid to stay asleep at night and never visiting her grave out of fear. I loved her, but she was strict. She had a big part of raising me. I was a dumb kid, but she taught me a lot.

    I also felt guilty for not crying at funerals. There were also things that made me feel quilty like me ignoring a homeless person, when I had food on me, and I didn't give it to them after they asked for it. It was early and I was hungry as well and I bought this food for my last money, because of it being end of the month.
    I felt really quilty afterwards.

    At times I was thinking why does God still keep me alive. I almost died at birth, there was a cm left, before car would have hit me, an heavy ice block fell right before my feet, what would have surely taken me into coma or killed me, if I hadn't stopped middle of walking without a reason. (The household I was born in believes in a lot of out of this world stuff and are superstitious. It all has affected me too).

    When I discovered being transgender, then first thought was I'm a monster and it felt like it was my punishment for all the bad deeds.

    Some people would give away everything to just help others over their own wellbeing and this makes me feel guilty I'm not like this. I feel like I have too many flaws, that anyone could ever fell in love with me, so I'm not letting others close. I feel like I want to hide from my entire family and others and live on my own and not get married either. I already decided I don't want kids. I got too many genetics defects.

    Because of it all I also have my own views or so called relationship with religion. I guess I tried to make ammends by getting closer to God.

    I think that helping out people and helping out here in EC is like me trying to make myself into a better person, than I actually am. I feel like I'm an egoist for just thinking of myself all the time.

    Sorry for such a long text and thank you very much for reading it all.

    Kinda happy I talked about it. Old me would have never. I was afraid, that everyone would hate me.
     
    mnguy likes this.
  2. quebec

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    3,513
    Likes Received:
    1,835
    Location:
    U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Rain.....You aren't a bad person. I think that many of us have a tendency to think of all of the bad things we've done or the mistakes that we've made. I have a terrible habit of doing that when I go to bed at night. I try to remember that there are good things that I've done and people that I've helped. You know for sure that you have helped many people here on EC. Our past is just exactly that...PAST. We just have to move on from there. I know that it's a bit difficult because of where you live and your family situation for you to spend much time with a therapist...but if you can, I know it would help. In the meantime you know that you can always share with us here on EC or send me a PM at anytime at all. I may not have all the answers, but I will always reply.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    BiGemini87, BlueLion, Mihael and 2 others like this.
  3. Rayland

    Moderator Full Member Away

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2021
    Messages:
    1,127
    Likes Received:
    609
    Location:
    Estonia
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you David, I know I can contact any time you guys, but I wanted to put it somewhere. I do think I dwell too much on the past, withouth been able to move on from it. I need to learn to let go and love myself, but it's difficult. I think a step forward is me talking about it at all, because I was really anxious about posting it here or on the forum, because I was thinking that others would see me as a bad person too. I've been crying way too much because of it all or when anyone says any critisism to me, then I cry as well. I hold crudges too over silly things. Helping out here is something that keeps me sane. I will tell about it to my therapist too. I have an appoinment soon.
     
    mnguy likes this.
  4. mnguy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2006
    Messages:
    2,056
    Likes Received:
    200
    Location:
    Mountain hermitage
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I'm really sorry you had all those traumatic experiences. You didn't get the support you needed to love yourself and to build up your confidence, probably shamed and other harmful treatment growing up, same here and very common sadly. It really screws us up, especially us more sensitive people. Crying so easily sounds like you're at the emotional edge so small things can tip you over and I'm sorry, that is so hard. Maybe meds aren't doing enough with this much struggle to be in a good mood. I'm glad you have an appointment soon and ask what they can suggest about crying so much. :hugging:
     
    BlueLion, Mihael and Rayland like this.
  5. Incoming

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2022
    Messages:
    78
    Likes Received:
    44
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    As friends have already said above, you're far too harsh on yourself.

    Here's something I do, when self-criticism starts to crush me (telling me I'm crap, I don't deserve to live, etc) -

    I declare an "amnesty", for myself. (Or you can think of it as the "statute of limitations has run out").

    Everything that happened up to now is forgiven, or is no longer punishable. Whatever I did before today, can't be changed. What matters is what I do starting from today.

    Sometimes this helps me. I think it comes from simply * making a decision *. It's like flipping a switch and shutting off a machine - the machine that fills your mind with negativity and self-loathing.
     
    BlueLion, mnguy, Mihael and 1 other person like this.
  6. Rayland

    Moderator Full Member Away

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2021
    Messages:
    1,127
    Likes Received:
    609
    Location:
    Estonia
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you guys. I do beat myself up a lot over things don't I. It's just some of these were a shock for me. I essentially believed I was a murderer. I've been blaming myself all this time and I guess this is also where my intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideation started in the first place. My thoughts get really dark and mean at times. I felt like being transgender was my punishment for all of my deeds. My suicidal ideation hasn't been surfacing recently, but it does time to time. I felt like if I didn't make this thread, that I'm a liar about letting everyone think that I'm a good person and I've been scared to talk about it. And in order for me to heal I have to talk about stuff instead of bottling them in all the time. I even talked about my anxiety and depression in a uni presentation. The crying kinda helps me too. All together crying and talking helps and makes me feel lighter inside a bit. This is also why this forum is a blessing to me.
     
    Mihael likes this.
  7. chicodeoro

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    598
    Likes Received:
    546
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Hey Rain, on the first two traumas you mentioned - one) you were a child and were only following your parent's orders and for two) everyone is allowed to make a mistake. I've made loads down the years. We all have.

    Three) You're absolutely not to blame for your grandmother dying and four) crying isn't mandatory at funerals.

    You've got nothing to admonish yourself for. Really. You're just a trans man who's living under difficult circumstances.

    This makes me sad reading this. Not only because, as I mentioned above, you've got nothing to be guilty for, but also being trans should be a source of joy and elation! That narrative that our lives are lonely, painful and devoid of love is what we've had shoved down our throats for decades, centuries even. It's kept so many of us in the closet.

    I know things are difficult for you at the moment (they are for me too) but there is hope. Don't let those dark thoughts obscure it.

    Hugs, Beth x
     
    BlueLion, mnguy and Mihael like this.
  8. Rayland

    Moderator Full Member Away

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2021
    Messages:
    1,127
    Likes Received:
    609
    Location:
    Estonia
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm sorry Beth for being so negative and that I made you sad and you having to read this, while you are struggling too. Hugs. My PM's are always open too, if you wish to talk about anything.

    I think that the thought that everyone hate me, is my very first intrusive thought where it all begun. It's not obsession over thoughts, it's just because all of the circumstances that came together that caused me to have them. I did wondered where they come from, since I was told that all of my intrusive thoughts come from a trauma and I've been trying to figure out, where it comes from and this all makes it so much clearer.

    The dark thoughts just come out of nowhere. I may just be reading and suddenly having them. This is how I became aware of being transgender too. I was just on my bed and browsing online, reading my favourite manga and thinking how it would be like to be a man and then things changed with a flash of me imagining being a guy and I did experience that euphoria, that joy, that I've never had experienced before. My grandma died a year before it all happened. I also imagined, if she knew she would have beaten me to death. She was religious and supersticious and very strict, but still she taught me necessary life skills too. She was hardworking. It all made me feel quilty. I just have unfinished business there, since I haven't been to her grave at all after her death. I just attended the funeral. I loved her, but was also scared of her.

    I don't know if I ever stop hating being transgender, because it makes things so much harder, with having to come out and people's attitudes towards it. I've been hiding it since kindergarten.

    I will try and have been trying to love myself, though it's very hard, taking everything that has happened into consideration and my enviroment. It's all a process.
     
    mnguy likes this.
  9. chicodeoro

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    598
    Likes Received:
    546
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    All but family
    No need to apologise, Rain. And thanks for thinking of me.

    It's funny what triggers those initial trans thoughts, isn't it? Mine was around the age of 6 when quite often, as a way to get to sleep, I'd make up stories in my head. One time I imagined that I was a girl. Of course, I loved the idea and from then on couldn't get the idea out of my head! It took decades of denial, feeling ashamed and embarrassed until I finally faced up to the truth, just the other year.

    In my case that figure who would have disapproved was my father. He would have never spoken to me again. And I haven't been to his grave since he died either..

    I know it must be so hard living where you are at the moment. But it's not forever. Make your plans, as well as you can. Remember what's happened in the past, but don't be defined by it. You have a wonderful future ahead of you, and decades ahead of being the man you were born to be. Keep looking up towards the light - like plants, it's the light that sustains us.

    Hugs, Beth x
     
    #9 chicodeoro, Jan 23, 2023
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2023
    mnguy and Rayland like this.
  10. Rayland

    Moderator Full Member Away

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2021
    Messages:
    1,127
    Likes Received:
    609
    Location:
    Estonia
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Yeah. One minute you think you know yourself and then turns out that you really knew nothing. I think I have a bit of hard time accepting it all still, though I thought I have. I hoped I have. I also have intrusive thoughts about being lgbt+ at all. That I'm lying about it to everyone and to myself. That it's an illusion. It's a bit off topic here, but it's all related too. Sometimes I don't know what is real and what isn't. I get confused. What memory is real and what I make up. It's like I don't trust myself. I feel like I shouldn't. I make mistakes, but because I can't focus and misinterprate directions that have given me stress. I have bad memory too and I completely space out for a while. I even had a panic attack middle of the street, because I forgot my surroundings.

    I'm sorry hugs. Some don't get why I don't recent my family, because of it all, but growing up, when your family is your whole world, even after all the difficulties given and when they die it's like your left to deal with things on your own, the figure who was beside a grandparent was also like a 3rd parent and even, when being strict, there were still good memories too and knowing how it could be or could've been and that it isn't/weren't like this, just makes me sad instead of resentful. It's a bit hard for me to explain it well.

    Thank you. I will of course try my best. I'm really close to be able to live, like I wish to. I feel it, though there are ups and downs, but I guess it's all part of the process.
     
  11. BlueLion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2015
    Messages:
    222
    Likes Received:
    29
    Location:
    Spain
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Rain, you're a very good person. You've been really kind and helpful with me and many other users here. You have a golden heart and you're my friend so, please, do not talk about yourself like that. You don't deserve it.

    1st trauma. It wasn't your fault. You were a child and you did what you were ordered. You had no choice.

    2nd trauma. It wasn't your fault either. You were a student who was learning and tried to do his best. People make mistakes, always, even unintencionally. You're not a machine. And, by the way, even machines make mistakes.

    3rd trauma. If your grandma is in a better place, which is something I think you believe, she's probably loving you unconditionally and supporting you from there. No one is perfect, so you shouldn't be so harsh on yourself. You did what you could at that very moment.

    For me it's also very difficult to cry, even in funerals and you don't have to feel obliged to give all you have for being a better person cause you already are a very good one; an exceptional one, I would say.

    Being transgender is something you didn't choose, and it doesn't make you a monster at all. You're a person like everyone else. And you have the right to live your life on your own way.

    I'm glad you shared your feelings with us all, because venting is always good. As you can see, people are supporting you.

    I send you an enormous hug and I'm here for you whenever you need it as I already told you.

    Víctor
     
  12. Rayland

    Moderator Full Member Away

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2021
    Messages:
    1,127
    Likes Received:
    609
    Location:
    Estonia
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you. :cry: I get so nervous, whenever anyone reply's to this thread. I was going to make it anonymous at first, but glad I decided otherwise. Because I was so scared of getting hate. You're the second person who says I have golden heart and people say I'm amazing and everything, yet I have hard time believing them. I don't think I'm amazing at all. I'm just existing and trying my hardest.

    The being monster refers to more of my body, because when I first discovered I was trans I really freaked out, when I looked in the mirror. It wasn't me anymore. I didn't know myself at all. Things had changed.

    Big hugs your way too.
     
    Mihael and BlueLion like this.
  13. Rayland

    Moderator Full Member Away

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2021
    Messages:
    1,127
    Likes Received:
    609
    Location:
    Estonia
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Today has been emotional reading all the responses. I get all teary eyed after reading each and every one. Thank you all very much. I feel a little bit lighter and will continue working on my mental health properly. I don't still fully think good of myself, but it's all really a process. I need to work on my intrusive thoughts. I've been dealing with bunch of health issues too. I changed my GP, so I could get a better chance and I didn't trust my previous one.
     
  14. Mihael

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2015
    Messages:
    2,975
    Likes Received:
    638
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Take all the time you need to process it, it's okay.
     
    BlueLion and Rayland like this.
  15. Rayland

    Moderator Full Member Away

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2021
    Messages:
    1,127
    Likes Received:
    609
    Location:
    Estonia
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you @Mihael :slight_smile:

    Last night after all of it I was emotionally so drained that I fully broke down. It's been a long time, since I cried with a loud voice and I didn't calm down the whole night.

    I do feel like I'm broken as a person. I just felt like it, when I was crying. There are things I want to change, but I don't know how to do it or what it exactly is. I also think I've been having depersonalization episodes, because I was feeling numb and that some of my memories aren't real and that's been going on a long time. I will tell about it to my psychiatrist.

    At home I've been always the one who is silent, stuck within myself. I never told off anyone or got angry at anyone. There only have been one instance, where I've ever been angry at someone and that was some years ago. I even yelled at them, but they deserved it. They were mean to someone else and made them cry.

    I've recently talked a lot about family and even though my family has issues, like every family, but still I think I'm allowed to love them unconditionally. Even, when they are strict and tell me mean things. I'm fully aware of it all and I am looking out for myself.

    For example I now know how to handle my fathers comments and ridiculing. Sometimes I get upset too, but you all have helped me a lot here. I'm so crateful for it. At home I've been slowly trying to stand up for myself. I've told my father who told me that I go to such pointless doctors (therapist), that it's not pointless to me, that only he thinks it's pointless and he had nothing to say after that. I've told off my aunt who was mean to me and entitled and I haven't spoken to her at all and it won't happen unless she apologizes to me and my mom, what I know never happens. She is too prideful. I told off to my friend who kept misgendering me and I won't be a puppet to my relatives, like my mother has been. I have a voice and I'm using it and it does take courage, so this is why I often ask advice here and it has helped me deal with my strong emotions.

    People have to want to change and I don't know how right my approach is, but it seems to be working. I'm gaining more courage every day, so I could be authentic and love myself. This is what I'm working towards. It's hard work and there are setbacks and I get upset and feel down, but it's all part of the process. I can show off to my family and relatives that even with all the struggles I'm thriving and am capable.
     
    mnguy, TinyWerewolf, BlueLion and 3 others like this.
  16. chicodeoro

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    598
    Likes Received:
    546
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    All but family
    From what you've written here, Rain, it doesn't sound like you're broken at all. It sounds like you're finding the strength to stand up for yourself. It sounds like you're surviving.

    Which is something to be proud of (or should be!)

    Hugs, Beth x
     
  17. quebec

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    3,513
    Likes Received:
    1,835
    Location:
    U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Rain.....Just thought I'd mention this...I really do like your new avatar/picture! :old_big_grin:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    mnguy and Rayland like this.
  18. Rayland

    Moderator Full Member Away

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2021
    Messages:
    1,127
    Likes Received:
    609
    Location:
    Estonia
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you Beth hugs.

    It's just that I've recently been made aware by others that I maybe victimizing by excusing my family's behavior too much. I started thinking am I really excusing their behavior? When your family has been your whole world, then it's hard, like I don't know what to do or if I'm doing a good thing. I can't hate them or be angry at them. I don't know how or why should I keep anger in me. Like what am I doing wrong still, even though I am trying really hard and am trying to be proud of what I've already accomplished though it's still a long way there, where I wish to be.

    Thank you David. I'm glad. I'd thought I wanted to be a little more authentic here and decided to put up my picture. I'm still shy about it. :slight_smile:
     
  19. chicodeoro

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    598
    Likes Received:
    546
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Funnily enough I was talking about this with my therapist today. One of the reasons I'd always encourage people to leave their parents' home as soon as they're able to is that I don't think you get proper perspective about your parents and the sort of people they are until you can stand back, at a distance and gain some independent life experience of your own that has nothing to do with them. In the UK most university students study away from 'home' and it's such a blessing to have this. You realise there are a hundred different ways to live your life that are different from the ones your parents have.

    When your family has been 'your whole world', I'm guessing you're not able to see that they're just ordinary people, not special, with all the faults and qualities we all have, just muddling along the best that they can. You might end up feeling sympathy for them (as I did for my mum) or perhaps pity (as I did for my dad).

    Oh and by the way, I really like your new avatar pic too!

    Hugs, Beth x
     
    #19 chicodeoro, Jan 26, 2023 at 3:54 PM
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2023 at 3:56 PM
    mnguy likes this.
  20. Rayland

    Moderator Full Member Away

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2021
    Messages:
    1,127
    Likes Received:
    609
    Location:
    Estonia
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I think that you might be right. I'm not sure. I think that I know they're ordinary people. I feel like I don't know anything.

    I did live 2 years in a dorm in our capital for uni, because I wanted this experience and get away from home, though I went back during holidays and eventually got a job at my home city. I haven't been away from home longer than week at a time. During this time I did learn about myself, that I don't like sharing a room and I had to use a bathroom there was only one for the whole floor. I learned to use a different kind of washing machine and used a drier for the first time since I didn't have it at home. I hung up my laundry to dry. I'm actually quite independent. I do help at home, since my parents do need it and we are poor. Right now I don't work. Previous job wasn't suitable since I got bad back pains. I worked in an intensive care unit at a hospital, so I did a career change and am now in uni, since I want to open up my own business, what is a work in procress. It's just that you can do nothing, if you don't have income either. I get a little amount that's for students in need, but that's it. I've been browsin realestate homepages looking at apartments for rent. You need at least 200+ € to rent one. I really do wish I could move out and I can always visit or help with doctors appointments, if they need it. I often feel, that my home is a prison. Even my therapist told me, that I don't need to do all these things I do at home, since it's not my responsibility, but I am too loyal, responcible, so I do them. Though I have got some of my burdens off me too.

    And thank you very much. This is how I look like in real life.

    Sorry for all the long texts. You guys are amazing for even reading them. Thank you.
     
    mnguy likes this.