My straight bf fell in love with the girl I never was

He fell in love with me while I still thought I was a girl although something was off. The first time I told him something might be different about me, he did nothing but assure me, time and time again, that he’s in love with me for the person I am, which has little to do with the word I identify with the most. We’d been together for about seven months, at the time. When he told me “but you’re a girl” and I answered “I’m really not.” that was it. It was the end of it because I never thought I would ever worry about something related to this issue that wasn’t about my boyfriend seeing me as I am.

That was it, at first. I was happy and it had its bad days (in which it was a little harder to manage the feeling that I was going crazy) but, all in all, it was easy to manage dating a straight guy (who, mostly, likes girls) even though I’m not a girl.

I recently shaved my head. I never felt more like myself and my boyfriend likes it quite a lot, too. Here is the issue, in my mind: I’m starting to present like the person I am instead of the girl I always pretended to be – my boyfriend fell in love with that girl (the only difference between her and me are pronouns, hair and clothes…), he’s a straight guy after all. He likes girls. I know he loves me, he assures me of it every single day and we’re really happy. I keep being afraid that I’m not enough because I’m not a girl… and he likes girls.

I felt the need to write this because I was picking out the clothes I want to wear tomorrow morning and I broke down. I’m going to be with him tomorrow and I wanted to wear something that he’d like to see me in so all that I could think of wearing were my most girly clothes in which I don’t feel comfortable anymore. I feel like I’m going crazy. It doesn’t help that it’s actually “all in my head”. It’s hard to breathe, sometimes. I just wish this would go away. I just wish I could go back to the moment before I started putting the pieces together and realizing that I wasn’t a girl.

I sat on my bedroom floor thinking and wishing that I was a girl. Girls don’t do that, do they?

I know he loves me but I’m just afraid that, the more I am myself, the less attracted to me he’ll become. I don’t want that… but I also don’t even know what I want at this point.