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My story

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by rch1, Oct 28, 2016.

  1. rch1

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    Hey everyone

    I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this. This is my first post and I don't really know what I'm doing. I just wanted to tell my whole story, one to get it off my chest but two to try and maybe get some advice. This is probably gonna be pretty long so I understand if you guys don't want to read it....

    I guess I'll start from the beginning. I realized I was attracted to guys when I was pretty young I guess when I hit puberty around there. The toughest part was that I had this tendency to be attracted to my friends. There was a group of about 7 of us throughout middle school, all guys, and I was probably into like 5 of them. It just made things weird and started the thought in my head that something was wrong with me. From there I only stayed close to one of them into the first couple years of high school so I guess that made things a little easier.

    When I was a junior in high school, I found a new group of friends and became best friends with one of them. I had known him since elementary school and had always been friends with him but we never hung out until then. I'll call him X I guess I don't wanna say his real name. Anyway I fell hard for X. Like really hard. All the guys I had liked before it wasn't really serious it was more I was just attracted to them maybe had small feelings for them nothing serious. With X everything changed. I had always thought he was really cute but once we became close I realized that I loved who he was too. His personality and everything was incredible I literally fell in love with him. I thought, or maybe it was just hope, that he was gay too. He did things sometimes that made me wonder. He'd touch guys playfully or say things in like a gay way or whatever I don't really know how to describe it but I thought maybe he was gay and I let myself get my hopes up that someday something might happen between us. This was like summer going into my senior year of high school. We saw each other every day senior year and literally every day I thought about telling him I loved him. I could never pull the trigger though I didn't want to mess up the friendship and possibly lose him for good. It messed with me pretty good though. I would lie in bed every night thinking about him and what to do and whether I should tell him and all that. I guess that's probably when my depression started.

    When it came time to choose a college I ended up choosing to go pretty far away from home, mostly because I wanted to try and get over X and I thought the distance would help. He went close to home so we only saw each other over breaks and summers. The school I went to didn't work out I never found people I liked, ended up spending a lot of time alone and became even more depressed by the day. I guess because I didn't find anyone to take my mind off X, I never got over him and just ended up missing him like crazy. Meanwhile, he was having the time of his life at college and found a girlfriend about halfway through freshman year. When he told me he was in a relationship it killed me. I pretended to be happy for him, and I guess in a way I was I want him to be happy, but it destroyed me inside. Anyway I suffered through my sophomore year at my school before I decided that I had had enough and transferred to a school closer to home.

    As this past summer started X was still all I thought about. It had been almost 3 years since I fell for him and my feelings were just as strong for him, I still thought about him constantly. I was also in a really bad place mentally. X was definitely the main reason but there were a lot of other things going on that messed with me. I had developed this crazy social anxiety out of nowhere. I used to be fairly social but now the last thing I wanted to do was talk to people. I realized that I needed to do something about X and maybe that would give my life some clarity. About 3 months ago I texted him and told him I needed to talk with him about something. I planned to tell him everything, he didn't even know I was gay at this point. I told him I was gay and I really wanted to tell him I loved him, but something stopped me. He took me being gay really well he was cool with it and I guess I didn't say anything else at this point because again I was worried about losing the friendship. At this point I was pretty sure he was straight, he was still with his girlfriend and when I told him I was gay he didn't give any sort of indicaton that he may be too. I thought maybe I could accept that he was straight, that I would never have him and maybe I'd be able to move on.

    But of course that didn't happen. I still couldn't stop thinking about and was still incredibly depressed so I thought I had to tell him I loved him and had to move on for good one way or another. So about a month ago I texted him again, said we needed to talk again. I drove to his school and told him everything.. I poured my heart out to him. He was kinda shook when I first told him, but as I explained that I was telling him because I needed to move on, and that I wasn't trying to steal him from his girlfriend or anything, he was okay with it. I probably said "I'm sorry" and "I know this is so messed up" about 100 times. He apologized for not being gay and said he wanted to stay friends and that was that. I haven't seen him since, we've had a couple of text conversations and that's about it. His girlfriend probably hates me and hell maybe he hates me too but it happened and that's that I guess. I'll see him over Thanksgiving break we'll see what happens.

    The thing is now I'm so lost. He was really all I cared about for the past 4 years... I don't know what to do with myself now. I'm at my new school been here for about 2 months now and haven't really made any friends. The depression is as bad as its ever been I thought telling X would help with things but it's been a month and I think I'm worse. Other than going to class, all I do is lie in my bed and watch TV and play on my phone. I killed all 6 seasons of game of thrones in like 10 days.... I don't know what to do.. I don't know anything anymore. X is the only person I've told any of this stuff too no one else even knows I'm gay. I've been trying to pretend I'm happy to my parents and my other friends back home for forever now and that gets exhausting. I've thought about coming out to my parents but... I don't know. I'm pretty sure they'd accept me and everything but it'd just be such an awkward conversation. I haven't told them anything personal since I was like 12. I feel bad because they're paying for my college but I don't really care about school anymore. I'm pretty smart but I can't get myself to study or anything so my grades aren't great. There are days when I don't care about life anymore honestly. Maybe I need professional help I don't know... I don't know anything. I just wish there was some easy solution to get my life back together but I don't see it....

    For whoever read all that I'm incredibly thankful. I'm a little drunk right now been drinking by myself again and just realized I rambled on for wayyy to long. Anyone who stuck around to this point and would be willing to give any sort of advice I would really appreciate it.
     
  2. Quantumreality

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    Hey rch1,

    Welcome to EC!:slight_smile:

    Sorry to hear about your long depression over your crush on your friend. You are not alone. Pretty much everyone on this site has experienced a crush on someone who didn’t return their feelings – whether it was same-sex or opposite-sex.

    Coming Out to your friend was a very brave thing to do. Congratulations! I wouldn’t read too much into his lack of contact yet. Just like it took you time to understand and accept your sexuality, he needs time to process what you told him. In the longrun, telling him about your crush on him should help you feel better, but it will take time.

    What can you do to get over this? Well, different people prefer different coping methods. You might even Google ‘coping methods’ and see if you find something that seems like it might work for you. But, in general, it’s best to keep yourself distracted as much as possible. Do you feel like you could renew your focus on your studies and throw yourself into those? Do you have any hobbies or interests that you can pursue? Ultimately, time should help you overcome your feelings for X. Of course, making new friends or finding a new crush could help much more…

    If your depression really starts spiraling downward, you may want to seek some counseling. Most schools have free or very cheap counseling available for students.

    I hope some of this may help!

    Take Care.:slight_smile:
     
  3. wonderingabout

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    I did read your whole post right to the end. I am sorry to hear that you have been struggling. I hope that your school offers some sort of mental health counselling and you make use of it. Everyone struggles with some degree of depression at some point in their life and there is no shame in seeking help in dealing with all the feelings you are having. Nobody is completely happy all the time. It is important not to keep things bottled up inside of you.
    Something that has helped me that my therapist suggested is to stay away from social media ( facebook, instagram etc ) when I am feeling down. People tend to only post the good in their life and looking at a whole bunch of it makes me feel worse about myself . She was right if I disconnect from it my depression is not as severe and passes faster. She also suggested that I try to keep busy and keep my mind busy, I clean house and concentrate on it really hard or I go for walks and examine all the wonders of nature.

    This forum is a great place where you can talk about all of your feelings and get support from those that have experienced or are experiencing similar situations to yours.

    I am not sure what type a relationship you have with your parents but I feel that it is probably not necessary to pretend to them that you are happy all the time, it is too exhausting. You do not need to tell them all the details of what is going on but you should probably share with them the fact that you have been struggling and don't feel like getting out of bed and doing anything.
    I must say that I am proud of you for being motivated enough to go to your classes. You should concentrate on those and throw everything you got into your studies, it will keep your mind busy.

    Make sure to eat regular healthy meals and maybe try to go to the gym or something for exercise , exercise is good at relieving stress.

    Take Care of yourself
     
  4. ABeautifulMind

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    I can sort of relate... I had gone away from home to go to school at first as well, because of a crush I was getting over, and I also ended up doing poorly and coming home.... A few years later when I got back into school I had already started hanging out with my crush and fallen for him all over again... When I finally forced myself to stop seeing him I was pretty devastated... There were other complications as well, its wasnt just the fact I had a crush on him and he was straight... But when I stopped hanging out with him, I was sort of "lost" as well... But since I had gotten into school again I threw myself into my studies... It was worth it in my grades, but I would also suggest some socializing.. I was in a couple clubs, but it wasnt enough...

    I would love to tell you that you will get over them... Honestly, while I no longer think about him more than maybe once every 3-4 months or something, if he came to me today and said he was gay and had feelings for me, I doubt I could walk away lol... I think the first hardcore crush will always have that effect on someone... So if that is what you mean by getting over them, it may never happen. But that doesnt mean you can not move on... I have had several other relationships, and I have to say, the first one was almost like a rebound after I realized I would never be with my crush.. It was a little too soon... but the rest, have been awesome... Just because there is someone walking around on the planet who you would love to be with, doesnt mean you cant find anyone else who you would love to be with...

    As for getting over the depression, I suggest going to your schools gym... Start working out... Watch for flyers for recreational sports too... A lot of times there will be signs in the gym for different groups of students who get together and play different sports... If you like sports I mean.. What are you studying? (Do you like what your studying?) If you enjoy it you might consider joining a club... For example, I was a math and physics double major, I joined both clubs as well as the engineering club... I met a lot of people I still talk to in those...

    If you used to play an instrument you could consider getting into that again.. I never played music when I was younger, however I have recently set up a keyboard in my room and I am slowly teaching myself to play some shit on piano... Very time consuming, but very relaxing...

    So far working out and playing piano are my 2 best coping mechanisms, is why I mention them specifically, but there are infinite coping mechanisms... There are cognitive exercises involving repetitive, relaxing, thoughts or thoughts about actions... Cooking can be a good one if you enjoy it... And cooking can be great for dates in the future...

    Also since your in school have you considered the LGBT group/club/whatever... Most schools have one, and even though your not out, you could still go... Just say your an ally until your comfortable enough.. But while on that topic I would point out that while you should obviously make sure your ready to come out before doing so, I would argue if your brave enough to come out to your best friend and crush, you might consider doing so with other LGBT people on campus at least... It could provide you with friendship, support, and an outlet... Not trying to pressure you, just making sure you consider all angles :wink:

    As for needing professional help, IDK... I know when I was going through this stuff a long time ago I didnt get help, but I have had therapy in the past and it involved issues with coping and things like that.. basically I had already been "trained" to handle my problems like this from therapy... Do you need help for sure? not necessarily.. would it be helpful even if you dont necessarily NEED it? Absolutely.. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you decide you want to get help. It is, well it is helpful...

    I might avoid being alone with him over thanksgiving break... IDK about you but when I would be alone with my crush, we always got along a lot better and it was when I would always fall for him... In larger groups people act differently, and you probably dont want to reignite that crush, which if it were me, being alone with him would do just that...

    ---------- Post added 29th Oct 2016 at 01:08 PM ----------

    BTW, I read to the end too, and let me just say, no matter what you should not worry about the post being too long, because that is what this forum is kinda hear for, but also.... This post was not even half as long as some posts I have seen :wink:

    Anyways, best of luck, and I hope you can figure all this stuff out in a positive manner :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  5. rch1

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    Hey guys,

    Thanks for reading and responding I really appreciate the advice. You guys are definitely right that I need to find some hobby or something to take my mind off things. I'm gonna look into the intramural sports they offer here and maybe start going to the gym.

    I feel kinda stupid that I let the whole situation with X get to me so much. Like I literally let my life fall apart just because of him. I feel almost ashamed to be so depressed because of it I don't know. I read other online depression forums and stuff and all these people are having family members die and getting raped and horrible things and all that happened to me was I fell in love with someone that didn't want me.... maybe I'm just overreacting and I'm too far inside my own head but I don't know.

    I've also read online that the only way I'll be over to move on from X is if I stop seeing him completely. He's still my best friend I saw him basically every day this summer I don't want to lose him completely... now that he knows I feel like we can still hang out and I'll slowly be able to move on but who knows. He said he wants to stay friends too and I really want too I just really hope I'm not still stuck on him for 4 more years because I keep seeing him... idk if you guys have any more advice on any of this I'd appreciate it again
     
  6. TanMan

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    Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I'm 22, and came to terms with being gay around 4 or 5 months ago. It was tough. I began to realize that I was a little different from other boys my age around 7th grade. I must say that we have a very close story, and I personally felt like I was the only one who experienced that until I read yours. Thank you again rch!

    For me, I had a good friend that I met my freshman year of high school through football. We really didn't start hanging out till around sophomore year, but when we did, I started getting strong feelings for him. That's when I became depressed because I didn't want those feelings. But eventually, when he started dating girls, I always felt like he was putting me off and always trying to get out of hanging out with me. I felt so alone, and I became even more depressed. I eventually ended up in the psych hospital for 2 weeks because it was just too much to handle. Then our Senior year I ended the friendship with him because I just felt so weird. I screwed up big time and lost so many friends. It depressed me for a good 4 years.

    Thank you again for sharing your story. It truly shows now that theres at least someone out there that's going through this. I felt like I was the only one who was falling for a friend.
     
  7. dublinz

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    Totally can understand. Going through same thing right now. As much as it might disturb some people to hear this, I totally believe in anti-depressants, when prescribed properly. Right drug. Right dosage.

    I don't know that I'll ever get over my best friend and the distance thing isn't work as it just makes me think I'll lose her forever if I don't have some sort of same city connection.

    So I just don't know. I'm not all that social but it really is wise to stay social. Just hard to do when you feel like crud. My best thought is to keep trying. Be on here a lot and let time and new love heal the wounds.

    I'm not there yet either but being older, I have proof new love does come along and it does heal. Just not in this case, not yet.

    Keep going. Often the person we are pining away for isn't all that big a deal. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. Don't mistake it for the real deal.
     
  8. brainwashed

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    Hello mr. rch1

    Read your entire write up, but did not read what others told you nor your responses. Here are my thoughts, condensed format.
    a) You are a human being, gay as you say, you are beautiful, others have bestowed gay shame upon you.

    b) Get 10 to 16 ounces of water (water bottle) and go for daily walks. Min 30, minutes, max 60 minutes. Drink the damn water. You must do this.

    c) Find an LGBT support group. You simply must get out and meet others.

    d) Seriously consider taking time off from school, and go travel. Go find a farm to work on, there are lots of those in the world. Breaking the routine really helps.

    Thats about it. Write on my wall if you need to talk.

    Later

    ---------- Post added 30th Oct 2016 at 07:33 PM ----------

    Bingo. No junk food and exercise regularly.
     
    #8 brainwashed, Oct 30, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2016
  9. faustian1

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    Hi Mr. rch,

    I quoted the above, because it may seem to you to be impossible. But the poster is right, these distractions and forced motivations are the key, to getting started that is.

    The other benefit of the responses is that you should see you're not alone. Yes, this happens all the time. It even happened to me.

    Four years, huh? I had about the same stretch of delusions with mine. Fortunately, however, I was near graduation so the decline in academic motivation did not derail that. I did think day and night about him though. I wasn't crazy enough to tell him, but if I had it would have turned out just the way that yours did.

    Anyway, it was a good thing I didn't derail school. I'd dropped out once before, many years before, for similar social reasons, although in that case there was not one, singular human focus for it all.

    This is going to take time. A good way to socialize is to volunteer for stuff. Give of yourself, and what you'll get in return is some improved self esteem. But, that list above, exercise, finding social groups, forcing yourself to talk to people, eventually will help you put that guy in perspective. You'll still be mad at him. And probably angry at yourself, but just remember, several of us said we made the same mistake.

    And yeah, therapy might be good. One thing that would be better is: Don't drink, especially alone. I did that too. Caused another problem to solve. Didn't help. Oh, it seems like it helps, but in the long run, no.

    After the four years, well it's going to take a few more to solve this problem. The quicker you can become accepted in some various social groups, and feel like you have a connection, the better it will be. For now, exercise, don't sit around.
     
  10. rch1

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    Thanks again to everyone who's responded. I'm really glad I found this website you guys have all been incredibly helpful. Also good to know that a lot of you have gone through somewhat similar situations makes me feel a little less alone. I know I gotta get out and do things and meet people I just can't find the motivation...
     
  11. brainwashed

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    Bingo.

    ---------- Post added 31st Oct 2016 at 07:22 AM ----------

    A couple of ways to deal with motivation.
    Find a group who you share a common interest in. That can create a spark to get you going.

    Or sometimes what I do is take a road trip. Throw your bedroll in the car and drive somewhere. Anywhere. Drive to a place that perks your interest. A lake for example. I just did this. I drove to a wedding. I was challenged by my enviroment to survive - I camped out on the way to the event.

    Dont have a car. Dont know your age, but maybe just maybe fly your ass to a foreign city. Stay in the youth hostels. Go to museums. I did this to - flew to Madrid. Holly shit, what an experience. I had a blast, to say nothing for the fact that there are a lot of very cute guys out there - oh this Latin men.

    Avoids:
    As mentioned above, avoid alcohol. Alcohol is very interesting. It gives very short temporary relief - typically one night. But then the next day you are right back where you started.

    Avoid being alone.

    Hit my wall if you just want to talk. Remember all of us here on ECs care about you.