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My Story

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by isaac84, Mar 1, 2015.

  1. isaac84

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    Hi Everyone,

    Glad to find this place and this is my first post. I'm 31 this year. I guess I'm not really out of the closet. No close friends or family know I'm gay, only past dates and him.

    I ended a 5-year relationship almost a year ago and I'm surprised a heart could break so completely. We parted ways when I moved to another city for a temporary assignment. He cheated and said I was holding him back. Someone I thought would be my partner forever suddenly disappeared and my identity as a person just shattered. I don't miss him anymore, but my heart aches at times and I realise I am not the same person anymore, a wound that would not heal. Not yet.

    I don't really enjoy my work. But it pays the bills and goes towards me hopefully buying my own apartment in a few years' time. I have thought about trying for med school, or changing jobs but the job market is difficult sometimes I feel lucky I even have a job that pays decently despite my total disengagement from it.

    Past a certain point I don't want to lie to my family and friends about me. I had a silly fantasy I found the One and I should have introduced him to them earlier. Dealing with heartbreak, work in a new city and work I do not like wears me down. Sometimes I catch myself crying and not really sure why I feel so fucked up. Such times at work I lock myself in a toilet cubicle wondering why I don't reach out for help.

    I am moving back to my hometown in a few months' time. I tell myself to live better. Still there are times I feel vulnerable and not sure how to meet nice guys. Those dating apps make me depressed.

    It will get better. I know it will. Thanks for reading. :slight_smile:
     
  2. Robbie

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    Welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    Sorry, that I can't give you any advice, but I haven't been in any relationships, yet. I hope you will be better soon.

    When I have moody days, I always decide to do something new, or be selfish a little bit.
     
  3. 19drummer88

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    Hey Isaac,
    I think it's time to change something in your life. And I guess you know what you should do. Maybe the reason why your heart still aches when u think about your lost love is that you put too much hopes into this man and into the relationship that weren't related to the relationship iself, but to you being able to be honest with your family and friends, to finally be openly gay and happy.
    I had my coming out at the age of 26 and I think that I've been through similar stuff before I came out. I had a really hard time actually. Everything is better now. But I had to embrace my sexuality and be open about it.

    But...well, that's only me.
    :wink:
     
  4. shota

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    Welcome to ec my dear friend
     
  5. MisterTinkles

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    You are staying in your own little private bubble. And now you are moving back to your previous bubble? Not good.

    You need to go someplace else. A whole new place.

    Staying around with the old stuff you know will only bring you down more......or keep you from healing altogether. Change, and usually dramatic or big change does it.

    Get away from what you know, outside of your private bubble. Learning new things and going to new places.......so much new to do, see, and take in.......you don't have time to think about what "was", only what will be. And before you know it, you are all healed up.

    And then, if the new place isn't making you all that happy.........then you can move back home.
     
  6. calgary

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    Hi Issac,

    I'm glad you found us. I can't give much advice on the relationship front but can relate to some of the rest of your story. I joined EC last year in a similar place. Not really sure why I was unhappy just that I was. I had thought about moving to a new city but knew the problem was with me and unless something with me changed I would just be unhappy in a new city. Anyways feel free to message me.
     
  7. isaac84

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    Hi Friends,

    Thanks for your kind words and advice. I guess the breakup in a way was good for me and forced me to take a good look at myself and what I want out of my life.

    @MisterSparkles: You are right about not retreating to my own little bubble. When I move back I have plans to take up tennis lessons and learn a third language, to try to make more friends as well. As to opening up, it's a step by step thing and I'm staying in the closet at work.

    @19drummer88: Perhaps I'm foolish but I still think it's a wonderful thing to find someone I can put my hopes into and despite the failed past I will continue to move on. Hope I will be as brave as you and come out of my shell one day.
     
  8. BlueSky224

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    Isaac,
    You sound wiped out, and understandably so. Breakups are painful, especially when they are shadowed by the closet. I've been through it, and I've lived to tell about it.

    I'm glad that you are seeing this as an opportunity. Maybe a career move or a new language will help you feel more empowered. (I do not recommend med school, but I'm biased.)

    I'm glad that you came here online, and I hope that it provides you with a chance to ask more questions and feel less isolated. We are here for you.
     
  9. Weston

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    Hi Isaac,
    I was, and to some extent still am, in a similar state of emotional turbulence following the breakup or my first gay "relationship," which lasted a year (though I hesitate to call it a relationship, since I was not out and was still living with my wife, while he was divorced and out for five years already). One of the things I do to put myself into a better frame of mind is to collect little snippets of wisdom from the internet, including many from this site, that I read over and over again whenever I feel confused or unhappy. Here are a couple I particularly like:

    [P]eople come into your life and change it forever, but it doesn't necessarily mean they are supposed to be in your life forever. People come into our lives and give us the opportunity to grow and learn. (Andrew Christian underwear model Colby Melvin)

    Even if you spend a year loving someone, it's a wonderful thing. Breakups can be difficult and often times they hurt, but that just says to me that it was worth it ....
    t's not about some mad relay race to the grave it's about sharing your life in a meaningful way with people who are important to you. (Empty Closets poster OGS)
     
    #9 Weston, Mar 3, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2015
  10. isaac84

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    Hi BlueSky224, why are you biased against med school? Grateful for your responses as well Weston, calgary. :slight_smile:

    You are right it is very hard going through a breakup in the closet. I'm not sure if I'm finding excuses for myself but I never felt like my sexual identity was something I needed to declare to my friends/family. Despite the callousness in the way he ended things, we were together for a long time and during much of that time we were happy. I was in the closet but the memories were happy. Then there are days where everything goes @#$%^&* and I really want to bang my head against the wall.
     
  11. BlueSky224

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    Isaac,
    No need to search for excuses. It sounds like you really are compelled to move forward in life... in so many ways. I hope that you can see this as reflection rather than torment. Indeed, depending on your personality and family dynamics, sometimes you may not feel as driven as some to come out to your family. It's different for everyone.

    For me, I struggled because my ex was not out to his family, and his father and I had patients in common. It was really awkward to see his dad at the hospital. Then the tables turned: I took a job that required me to be more secretive, and that was tough on my ex.

    As we say here, "liat, liat." Slowly, slowly. A lot is happening in your life, and it's time to go easy on yourself. Again, we are all here for you.
     
  12. Coffee Guy

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    Sorry you're having a difficult time, isaac84, hope things get better soon.
     
  13. Cool Bananas

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    Hi moving to a new town was for me a great experience; it meant that I was more free to do what I liked and meet up with people and I didn't have to really worry about who I might run into.

    I would use the rest of your time in this new city to explore go out and meet a new group, or keep searching on the apps or different websites, one friend said; if one doesn't work try another, my worry for you and its currently the stage I am in at the moment that now I am back in my bubble as it were then I am not likely to get out and meet people.
     
  14. isaac84

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    Hey Bluesky, really interesting to hear your experiences. Wow, being colleagues with your ex's father must be really really weird and awkward. Still doesn't explain your advice against med school though. I've actually always found doctors attractive, haha, must be the whole good guy aura thing.

    Thanks Coffee Guy, I actually feel better after all the replies.

    I know what you mean Cool Bananas. That is the fear I have for myself as well, retreating into my own bubble. I've tried the whole apps thing and it seems more of for sex rather than anything else. I've committed myself to getting out there and hopefully meeting fellow gay guys for activities/hobbies. Hopefully that works out for me.
     
  15. arturoenrico

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    I have two points to add

    1. My marriage of almost 25 years broke up and even though it did so because I am gay, or at least mostly gay, it is a tremendous loss. My wife was my best friend for many years and although we don't fight, I have lost that friendship. We raised our children together, renovated a historic home (where I no longer live), planted vegetable and flower gardens, furnished, had parties, holidays, vacations, etc. The loss is staggering to me. I know I'm "supposed" to feel liberated starting anew as a gay man but I still think I'm traumatized by the loss of my marriage.

    2. Before going back into the closet at roughly age 33, I was out as a gay man since my college days. I had 2 major long-term relationships with men that ended badly that I believe crushed my spirit and soul, ultimately sending me back into the closet. So confusing it all is. To this day, almost 30 years after the second relationship ended, I still think about R. and how much I loved him; everyday I think about him some.
     
  16. BlueSky224

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    Isaac,
    A long story. I cannot send you a private message yet, but I will once you earn your "Empty Closet" email permission.

    I struggled with the homophobia in clinical practice. It cost me my job (not fired; pushed out... after 12 years of school and 11 years of practice.) I'm not working now, and my medical books and stethoscope are gathering dust.

    The stress is really overwhelming. Physicians still have the highest suicide rate, and the pressures keep mounting.

    I am passionate medical science, teaching medical students and nurse practitioner students, and was voted "best doctor" in my former city. But the homophobia is deeply ingrained. There are a few pockets of sanity, but it's a shame that gay guys are restricted to practice amicably in only a few settings.

    Sadly, gay doctors aren't known to be supportive of one another. I'm not sure how that culture evolved, but it's deeply unfortunate.

    The med schools have become quite open-minded, but it's still a deeply conservative "old boy's club" in residency and beyond. I'm told that dentistry is the same way.

    On the other hand, perhaps you're coming on board as times are changing, and you may be greeted with greater acceptance. It's about time that things change.
     
  17. Michael

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    Well, my partner died almost 2 years ago, and with him a piece of myself dissapeared too.

    Wounds need time to heal, not a patch (to jump into another relationship), so avoid that at all costs.

    You need a bit of fresh air, so you can turn the page, as they say. Try to give the new city a chance, and be more social. Fake it until you make it if neccesary... Hope is a very fragile thing, and sometimes we tend to be way too negative.

    Friends, real friends, can make a difference. Feel free to tell us what's on your mind anytime. Folks here like to help.

    Welcome to EC, looking forward to get to know you (*hug*)
     
  18. PeteNJ

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    Welcome.

    Its your life. And your happiness is up to you.

    Sound like you're taking steps to do what's good for -- keep doing LOTS of that!

    Best/ Pete
     
  19. isaac84

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    Thanks BlueSky for your sharing. Will work hard towards earning the membership.

    This being out at work thing is simply too hard for me right now. I'm sorry to hear about you not practising anymore. I don't think my work environment is homophobic, but I don't think being out at work will help me advance in my career either. Until then it is a series of stories to spin for colleagues from time to time who I'm dating and why I don't like going to bars/clubs to pick up the ladies. Exhausting.

    Arturoenrico, I'm not really sure what supposed to feel feels like. Since I've almost always felt like an outsider to my peers and don't have that many gay friends. I guess one thing I admire about those that are out is that they are honest to themselves and the world. Happiness is a lot of work but surely being honest is a step in the right direction. The lying drags on my nerves and brings on occasional breakdowns. I take that as a side effect of holding on to my job and hopefully when I feel more secure I will come out.

    Thanks Vodkabaret, I did and am trying to be more social. Actually got on with a group of acquaintances until another guy was commenting how I act 'gay'. My self-defense mechanism went into overdrive and I began staying away from them to avoid the drama. Not healthy I know. Hope in a few months' time will have happier news to report.