Hi guys, I used to frequent this site regularly a while back in my mid teens so I don't know if anyone will remember me or not. Some of the stuff I’m gonna write down below I have actually posted about (when the experiences were more fresh and recent) in previous threads which will still be somewhere on the site. Anyway, I stopped posting because I thought I had kind of come to terms with my sexuality and decided that I was straight. This decision was not an easy one and in the back of my head, there were always lingering doubts. I repressed these thoughts and tried to move on, but again, deep down I knew this was not me. I'm going to be as candid as possible here because this hopefully is still a safe space for me where I don't have to fear being judged, ridiculed or under pressure to be someone who I'm not. I also don't have to worry about people I know finding out my "secret" yet and so can share without fear. So I don’t really remember when exactly my first feelings of perhaps not being straight arose. I have vague memories of being a kid (maybe 5, 6 years old) and feeling more connected to girls in an emotional sense but perhaps romantically more to guys. But of course I was a kid and these feelings were not really indicative of anything. It wasn’t until high school that things became more complicated, difficult and confusing. I had friends in high school and I wasn’t lonely exactly. I got invited to parties but I wouldn’t say I was in with the popular crowd so much as I was in with any particular group. I was kind of a drifter, moving from group to group and spreading myself wide. I enjoyed (and still do) meeting new people and having new experiences. My first sexual experience with a girl was when I was 16 (she was 17). I was really drunk, it was after a party where we went back to her place and to be quite honest I don’t remember much of it but I’m fairly sure I didn’t get a proper erection and that it was all over in a flash. My first sexual experience (and so far only) with a guy was also when I was 16 (he was 16 too). This was after a New Years party where we’d kissed for the second time, and we went for a walk, just us two into some nearby woods. We kissed for a while and he convinced me to go down on him - he had obviously already had experience unlike me. This made me extremely nervous and I really did not enjoy the experience at all. At this point I had already come out so to speak to my high school friends (and obviously in high school things spread like wildfire and all sorts of rumours were formed within days) as bisexual. Again being high school lots of people mistook my coming out as bisexual as coming out as gay, even though I stressed that I was attracted to both girls and guys, whether this was truly the case or not. But following the New Years experience with that guy, I was really hesitant and scared to make a move with a guy again. There were a few times I shared a kiss with a guy following that but to this day it remains my only explicitly sexual experience with another guy. I gradually made my way back into the closet, stating to everyone that I had spoke too soon and that it was “just a phase” and that I had made a mistake and all sorts of cliches. I don’t think everyone bought this but even so, my closer friends believed me and so after a while everyone (including me) started thinking I was straight again. During this straight period which is still ongoing now, I haven’t had a single satisfying sexual experience. In fact I never have. Every woman I’ve slept with has been disappointing for me, and I’m normally pretty desperate for them to leave the next morning, but also really hate being rude. I also get down over the fact that they might feel used even though that was never my intention at all. I have fancied female friends in the past but when I really get honest with myself I think these have merely been romantic attractions and not sexual. I find the female body attractive but it’s almost more from an admiration point of view than one of lust, desire etc. Whereas, even though the idea terrifies me and I have a lot of blockades and barriers to overcome to make this a reality, I do think I have different kinds of feelings towards guys. I’ve considered maybe I’m asexual but I masturbate most days and get satisfaction from that so surely I should be able to with another person? I guess I just feel like I’m living a lie but I’m absolutely terrified for anyone to find out, especially because I’m still so indecisive about who I am but then I don’t know if I’m ever gonna have total clarity on this. I feel like I might go through life just not knowing and not having the right experiences and I don’t want that to happen. I’m kind of envious of people I know who have come out already and I do know that most of my friends are not homophobic, at least not in a malicious or aggressive sense, but I also know that we live in a heteronormative society and so people’s opinions of me would change for better or worse whether they want to admit it or not. As such I don’t know I feel comfortable around certain people who might have homophobic inclinations, but they’re still people I have to see in my life and so how do I come out without changing relationships with these people? Most of this has probably been pretty incoherent and so if anyone’s actually read the whole thing I apologise for the lack of sense I’m making. But I’m just so confused and so frustrated. I want to be myself but I don’t know who that is! If anyone has any advice on what I should do and how I should go about doing it, I would be eternally grateful. Either way thank you for reading and letting me share my story here. Even if I’m still confused, it did provide me some catharsis to write out my thoughts and feelings here.