My son just told me he thinks he's gay

His happiness will depend in large part on two things: being free to be who he is and knowing that he is loved. He's already on the right track! He doesn't need you to understand him, necessarily, he only needs to know that you accept him for who he is and that he is loved.

The world is full of challenges, not only for those whose orientations are different. I can only guarantee one thing, being closeted is way more difficult.

 

Your acceptance of him will make whatever hardships he faces outside of your home so much easier to deal with. Honestly, the hardest part is telling parents and worrying how they will react. A bad reaction from a parent can effect a person for the rest of their life. And, I would think a good reaction would have a positive effect on someone for the rest of their life. So, your off to a great start. I wish all moms could be as loving as you.

 

That is a great attitude to have! I hope one day your son will know about this, because I think I speak for almost everyone when I say that one of the biggest fears behind coming out is that the person you told will tell someone else. ESPECIALLY a partner. You've kept your sons trust so far and that will mean a lot, I'm sure.

As the others have said, being happy will require him to be himself and be loved. You've shown that so far, keep it up.

As for the world outside your home, that is more difficult. It doesn't matter how good you can make home life, you will always worry about how he will get on in the outside world. The most important thing to remember is that you can't change it. It might be difficult for him, and you might see certain things he does as making it harder. I'll give you an example.

He gets laughed at by older boys for holding hands with another boy as he walks home. Maybe it happens every day. To quote my mum "They make it worse for themselves. If they weren't so blatant about it nobody would care".

I won't lie, it might happen. You can't change that. Nothing you can do will change that. What you CAN do be there for him when it does. To help him understand that those people don't matter. To remind him that the people he cares about care for him!

 

I would tell him not to worry about the stereotypes. That part is super important.

I think it's awesome that you're so open-minded. And by all means break out the rainbow flag if that's what you and your son both want! If he changes his mind then you can roll it back up, but if he doesn't he'll always remember that you were 100% behind him from day 1.

 

HisMom, welcome to EC. I wish my mom had been open like you. She was extremely religious and homophobic. She told me being attracted to guys was just a phase. I'm fifty now and it hasn't gone away. I had my first oral sex with a guy at twelve. Your son is not too young to be active.
You are right to caution him not to wear a label too quickly. Some people do have fluid sexuality. However, if he feels comfortable saying he is gay I would support him.

 

Hi HisMom

Re stereotypes. As I struggled in understanding my own sexuality it slowly became obvious that most gay men (80% + ) are not stereo typical effeminate guys that used to be portrayed on TV . This confused me for a long time, I thought because I was not effeminate then I was not gay .. so what was I?

Your son should know that just because he is gay he does not have to act in an effeminate or slightly theatrical way if he is not normally like that, and since his revelation came as a surprise I guess that’s the case, not that there’s anything wrong with being effeminate. The important thing is for him just to be “himself”, it’s just that he is into guys not girls.

As far as the dance partner is concerned I think it will become more commonplace in the future to see 2 guys dancing at a prom, it seems to occur on TV so I guess the younger generation will see that and not think anything of it. I think your son is very fortunate to have you for a mom and to be living in a part of the world where being openly gay is not at all unusual.

If the gossip on the news is correct it won't be long before some major sportsmen come out of the closet, when thay do that will give kids a role modle and also make it more normal and everyday to be gay

Sale Gay Guy

 

Can I suggest a slight rephrasing of that, because while it's easy to understand your message from an adult, outside perspective it might not come through to him how you want!

Start out saying you are glad he told you and that you can handle anything. Make sure he knows you're coming from a place of support and that you don't intend to try and change his mind.

Once you've done that, ask him how he feels. Not WHAT he feels and don't ask him why he said 'might be'. Just get him to tell you the things he is comfortable with.

I say this because I don't want to see you risk a situation like I have found with my mum. When she takes a few words of something I've said and makes it a question it feels like she is just waiting to say "Well, turns out I was wrong. False alarm. Back to normal". If you ask him something like "Now, why did you say 'might be' to me?" he may well feel it's your way of saying you hope he's just misguided!

Let him know that he CAN tell you anything but he doesn't HAVE to if he isn't comfortable sharing certain things.

 

Speaking only for myself, I believe your question is perfect. Listen actively, ask open-ended questions and yes, let him talk, especially about how he came to this conclusion.

 

I totally knew by age 12. You love your son but aren't inside his head. He's the expert on how he feels and he doesn't need to "explore" to know that. I don't think he's asking to wave a rainbow flag? Is he even asking for help or just sharing this with you? How he approached you about it matters.

Honestly, he's not going to go around telling people he's definitely gay unless he really is. At most, if he had doubts he would tell them he's "curious." I think you should not try to dissuade him from labels. Those are only a shorthand way of describing how he feels.

I want to also bring up one young member i'm thinking of, who came out and the parents said "Don't box yourself in," as if even saying he's gay means he's "stuck" in that role (which of course implies that being gay is a failure to be avoided). That is not the right way to react and this kid still seems distraught about it.

 

I understand your worries about the world being a cruel place for your son. Every mother should worry like that about her kids. My biggest worry in coming out to my parents (even though I was much older than your son) was that I didn't want them to worry about me, but their worry is a sign that they love me and are trying to understand what I'm going through.

I admire you for continuing the dialogue with your son. He may not want to say a whole lot more right now, but he'll know that you'll listen when he does have something to say. And as long as he's comfortable in his own skin and feels secure and loved in his home, he'll be a whole lot more ready for whatever the world has in store for him.

Enjoy the hike too! I grew up in Southern California and loved hiking in Will Rogers Park or Griffith Park.

 

I understand your hesitation to accept his labeling himself at that age. Obviously, if he is 100% positive, great. 12 is a hard age, though. Some people are really self-aware, others struggle to find their places in the world. If he's unsure, it would be twice as hard to have to come out all over again. He is lucky, though, to have a mom who really cares.

 

Welcome to EC!
First of all, you are an amazing mom, and your child is lucky to have you as a parent.
Be very clear that you accept him and love him. Give him the space to talk. And if he doesn't want to talk at some point, accept that as well. At least for me, going to an all girls school, plenty of girls dance casually together during slow dances. And at camp, everyone dances with everyone else in Blues dancing.
It's probably too late now as you are most likely on your way back from your hike, but I definitely agree with what Ellie said. Put the emphasis on the fact that you love your son and can handle anything.

 

I'm sorry, but when puberty happens, most children, males especially, begin to learn their sexuality due to a physical response to stimuli.

If you want him to consider the possibility of women, which is certainly possible if he's bisexual, you can do that in a gentle and affirming way. You won't want to make him feel like you hate a part of him (which he could internalize if you discourage homosexuality and encourage heterosexuality even if he does turn out to be bisexual)... and it's basically pretty simple.

Tell him you want him to fall in love with and be with whoever he falls in love with, boy or girl, and that seeing him happy from being with that person is what you want for him in regards to his love life. In this way, he will know that you will share his happiness in whatever relationship he pursues in the future.

Best of luck to you, it's incredible to see a mother being this supportive to her son.

 

No. I don't think you, as a parent can or should have any part of that. Back off. Let it be. Let it be what it will be... and show your love by supporting what comes of that.

 

I can understand where your coming from, I knew a few guys in high school that came out as gay but in college they had a girlfriend. Sexuality is fluid, especially during teenage years. He probably isn't straight, but he could be bisexual. Some people know when their younger but some don't find out till way later. Good luck on your talk, just let him know, no matter what you will always support him.