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My parents refuse to use my name/pronouns, and I think I put it off for too long.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Darion A, Apr 16, 2021.

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  1. Darion A

    Darion A
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2021
    Messages:
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    Location:
    McAllen, TX
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi. I really need advice from other lgbt+ kids. I'm 15, and my name is Darion, I've been out for five years to my parents now, and after the first year of them not using my name and pronouns, I figured it would be best if I just dropped it and lived with it until I'm legally permitted to move out. I thought this was normal, and it was selfish of me to expect them to change.

    They were fine with me having come out as a lesbian, before I had come out as trans, and now they refuse to just stop calling me a "butch lesbian" and call me by my name; Darion; not a lesbian, but a boy, the son that they claimed to want for so long. Note, I'm not transitioning to please my parents, I'm transitioning because I like myself better now, and it's harder to live I suppose, but at least I'm happier. It's also worth noting that I haven't had a name change since then, so it shouldn't be that confusing, especially since I chose a name similar to my deadname.

    Anyways, as I said, the pronoun issue didn't bother me got about three years or so, but then it started effecting my relationships, both with family and romantic partners. My three sisters (3,10,14) will get scolded or even whooped if they refer to me as my chose pronouns and name, and my boyfriend (15) is scared that my parents will stop allowing him to be with me and so even he calls me by she/her and my deadname around my parents.

    Is there anyway I can discourage my parents from using my deadname? and calling me a girl? I don't want to make them feel guilty, but I want them to know that aren't as "supportive" as they claim to be. Would coming out to the rest of my family help?
     
    #1 Darion A, Apr 16, 2021
  2. QuietPeace

    QuietPeace
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2020
    Messages:
    1,706
    Likes Received:
    1,154
    Location:
    Northern Europe
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Welcome to EC. I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time with this. (my first wife was from McAllen)

    It is not uncommon but they are the ones being selfish not you.

    From all that you have said they are not confused at all. They just do not respect who you are and are deliberately doing this.

    My parents never gendered me correctly even after decades, so I know how bad this feels. The thing is that you are at serious risk if you fight them on this. You have people who seem to respect you but cannot do so around your parents. Let them know privately that you are ok with them using incorrect pronouns and name around your parents but that you also do like when they use your proper pronoun and name when away from your parents (in this case with them using different ones in different situations you should make allowances for mistakes)

    They SHOULD feel guilty but in my experience people who refuse to respect you never do and do not ever change. If they ever get to where they do respect you they might change, other people have had experiences where people did come around. I think that if other family members tried to use your proper name and pronouns they would get the same reaction from your parents as your sisters do (though of course they probably will not hit other adults for it). Coming out to family members who might respect you though might be helpful. If you can come out to an adult who would be fully supportive you could then try to move away from your parents and live with the supportive adults. I know people who have done this in different situations. I also wish that I had tried to do it when I was younger, instead I waited until I could move out as an adult. Even then due to pressure from family, church and society I detransitioned twice and seriously regret that now.

    I hope that you can find supportive people. If you cannot, I hope that you are able to move out (sooner rather than later) and live as your true self.
     
    #2 QuietPeace, Apr 16, 2021
    Darion A likes this.
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