1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

My OCD story (recovered)

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Erny, Jun 26, 2020.

  1. Erny

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2017
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    0000
    Delete this post if not allowed please.

    I am a straight 29 year old male. I had this when I was I was 21 because a guy at a party was trying to convince me that I was secretly gay. Later I have been told that he is notorious for forcing himself on other men. I was one that got away. As in he was very suggestive and taking advantage of peoples mental state of being.

    Long story short. I did what everybody here pretty much did. Looked at gay porn, checked various times if I like somebody of the same sex that I saw in person. I even forced myself to masturbate and even reaching climax. I did not enjoy. It was terrible. I reached out to the LGBT help via email. Told me that porn is not a good indicator of sexual orientation. So I let it go.

    Years later when I was 26, it came back. I was in a relationship at the time. Bless her, she stuck through that time. I did the testing and everything again but thankfully this time. I would not get any results from trying to masturbate to gay porn. Unless I used a vibrator. And same thing though, regardless of climax or not. I was not happy, satisfied or anything.

    So I decided it was enough and I went to 3 therapists and 1 psychiatrist. All of them said the same thing. With what I explained to them, it seems that I am straight. They say it like that because no body can determine what orientation but yourself. But with what was troubling me and what I desired and etc. It was beneficial to me at that point to accept I was straight so I can move on. Also was prescribed medication at the time, which helped and realized all of this was silly. With the climax, it was strictly because of physical stimulation and not at all the material. As others have explained, you can pretty much stimulate yourself to anything and get off.

    The sad part is that the therapists and psychiatrist explained is that rape victims experience climax. Because of the physical stimulation. Our bodys were meant to react. Just like tickling. Some body reactions you can't help. But you know for a fact if you enjoy it or not. I didn't i was so miserable and its true, I felt like I was raping myself.

    It has been three years. I have been doing pretty good but not going to lie it sort of came back. I was obsessing over something else and I got over it. And then my mind came back to this. But I want to help others, so I hope this helps. It helped me write all of this out.

    So key points in my experience.
    There is a great chance you would have known you were anything else other than straight at a young age. Not a 100 percent true but for the majority.
    Don't confuse yourself by forcing yourself to masturbate. It gets confusing especially if there is a bodily reaction.
    Porn is not a good indicator. Again, desire versus body reaction. Dod you desire to msturbate to that material or are you checking? Was it just the stimulation?
    Ask yourself if you truly enjoy it or not. Have you had crushes before? Desires to be in a relationship or a fling? I never had any of those. I just entertained those intrusive thoughts and forced myself to do things i really did not enjoy.