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My new relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Jacob D, Feb 25, 2017.

  1. Jacob D

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    Hi all. I just wanted to give an update on things. As some of you know, I'm now in my first gay relationship with my first ever boyfriend, Brandon. We became an official couple on February 17. Things I feel are going okay. This is such a new experience for me and I'm still adjusting to it. My boyfriend has been very supportive and has been patient and understanding. I'm lucky to have him. It still feels weird and strange to have a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend. I don't think it's fully sank in yet. Having a girlfriend always felt natural to me. Having a boyfriend feels different and hard to explain. There have been times this past week where it's felt a little awkward and there has also been some challenges. These are things we both expected so it isn't too surprising. Anyway I think we are doing okay for a new couple. :slight_smile:
     
  2. whimsy99

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    Aw, I just wanted to say congrats! :slight_smile: That's wonderful that you and Brandon are now in a relationship. I know it's been a long road figuring things out for you both. I wish you the best of luck!
     
  3. Totesgaybrah

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    WooHoo :smilewave:thumbsup:
     
  4. JonSomebody

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    Congratulations!!!!!! ....i am soooo happy you finally gave the relationship a chance....js
     
  5. Jacob D

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    Update:Yesterday I told my stepbrother John (my father is married to his mother) that Brandon and I are boyfriends and have been for the last 2 weeks. He was very surprised at first and he thought I was joking until he realized I was not joking. I filled him in on everything and I left nothing out. It felt good to do this. Once the shock left his system he became supportive, understanding, non judgmental and genuinely happy for us. Naturally he was confused over my news and over the details of my friendship and long history with Brandon, but I expecting this and he took it really well. We ended up having a good conversation and he gave me some good advice and feedback. I chose to tell him in person, face to face, because this was too important to do in a text. It had to be done in person. It felt right to tell him and I felt right about sharing it with him. It's so good to have him in my corner and such a relief to now have both him and Brandon as support. He understands why I'm no longer sure of what my sexual orientation is and he understands why I'm doing what I'm doing. He told me he is proud of me no matter what and he told me that labels aren't important but that if I wanted a label, to choose the label that felt right for me and not a label to make others happy. He also told me that I can count on him for anything, that he supports me and Brandon and respects our decision to be together as a couple 100 percent.

    Things at the moment in my life feel good. I'm feeling much more confident in myself. I've been slowly adjusting to my new relationship with Brandon and also adjusting to my new life with him. It's different, it's new, it's challenging but I'm doing okay and I'm learning. Sure I still get doubts now and again and sometimes feel guilt that what I'm doing is wrong, but then again the opposite is true where I feel confident without guilt and feel what I'm doing is the right thing. Relationships take time, commitment, trust, patience and a lot work in order for it to work, I want it to work and I'm giving this relationship the best shot I can. Regardless if I'm with a new girlfriend or with Brandon, doesn't change how I approach a relationship. When I commit to someone in a relationship, I give it my all. Yes there is a difference between having a girlfriend and a boyfriend which I've recently learned to be true but there is also many similarities too. I care a lot about him, love his personality and sense of humor and I really enjoy having him in my life. With each new day I grow closer to him and I feel we get stronger as a couple. The biggest compliment I received from my stepbrother yesterday was when he said we made a “cute” couple and were “perfect” for each other. That made me feel very good. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Jacob D

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    Update:Hi all. It's been one month now since I began dating Brandon. Our relationship now feels strong and stable and I can honestly say I am happy with our progress as a couple. I have grown so much as a person too over this past month. I feel like a new guy. Things in my relationship no longer feel awkward or weird to me. It now feels normal and natural and both Brandon and I are happy. We have a really good relationship and that is all that matters.

    The sex was challenging at first but it became easier with time. I have done sexual things in bed with Brandon that I never thought I'd ever be doing with a guy. None of it was easy in the beginning for me to do but now I feel comfortable giving Brandon oral sex and I'm now also comfortable with giving anal sex to him. Don't worry I use a condom every time with Brandon. (Chip once told me that I would enjoy anal sex if I tried it and he was right, it's very enjoyable.) In my opinion anal sex is just as good as vaginal sex. Being with the right person (whether it's a female or a male) makes a big difference in a relationship because everything seems to fall in to place and feels right, and I know I'm with that right person. Brandon wants me to stop using condoms but I'm not sure about that. Is giving up condoms the right thing to do? We are in a committed relationship so what are your thoughts on this?
     
  7. Chip

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    Jacob, thanks for keeping us in the loop. It's awesome to hear that things are working out well for you and Brandon! I think that you'll find that the more you get out of your mind and into your body and your emotional connection, you'll find things becoming more natural and normal for you.

    I think the decision to use or not use condoms is a very personal one. That said, I cannot see a circumstance where I, personally, would ever not use them. Here's my justification:

    -- Used properly, there's really no perceptual difference. It's all in your mind.
    -- Condoms simply save on mess that inevitably happens now and then.
    -- Condoms prevent urinary tract infections that can otherwise happen.

    And finally, the most important one: No matter how much each of you trusts the other, human beings are fallible. Particularly if either of you ever drink or use any other substances that alter inhibitions. So things happen. Not saying that they definitely will, but they can, among even the most trusting, trustworthy, and faithful partners.

    If you don't use condoms, and one of you has a momentary lapse of judgment... then one of two things happens: Either you have to immediately tell your partner what happened, or you are putting your partner at risk of anything you may have exposed yourself to. Since most people don't immediately rush home after a mistake like this and 'fess up, they end up putting their partner at risk... or end up avoiding sex until they're ready to tell him or her.

    If you always, always, always use condoms... you will never have to worry about your partner's momentary lapse of judgment giving you a lifetime of medical problems where you had no choice in the matter. (And, of course, the reverse is true also.)

    I want to be clear: This isn't about fundamental mistrust of your partner. It is a recognition that human beings aren't perfect, and that they make mistakes. And those mistakes can come at a high cost: HIV or other STIs, some of which are a lifetime change. That's a responsibility the person making the mistake accepts for his own judgment or lack thereof. But there's no reason for those mistakes to potentially cost the other person that same lifetime difficulty, simply because he chose to trust.

    It's a hard concept to get across, because it sounds like it's from a place of distrust. But it isn't. It's an acknowledgment that each of you care so deeply about the other that you don't ever want the other to have to worry about his or her own health and safety. And when you make that commitment, it shows that each of you care the most about each other's well being and peace of mind, and not about some imperceptible and ridiculous societally-driven concept of what real intimacy is.

    PS: I doubt that I told you point blank that you'd enjoy anal sex, more likely I said that if you tried it, you'd probably find that you like it, as most people do. Slight difference, because there are some people that genuinely don't like it. But I want to make sure my words aren't misconstrued. And... I'm glad you are finding that it's enjoyable for you.
     
  8. Jacob D

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    Hi Chip and thank you for the response. Brandon and I talked it over and we decided that I will continue to use a condom when I give him anal sex. I don't mind wearing condoms and he said he's okay with me wearing it. I've used condoms in the past with my ex-girlfriends, mostly because some of them were not on the pill and I didn't want to get anyone pregnant, so wearing a condom is fine with me. Brandon and I trust each other, we both don't believe in cheating, neither of us do drugs, we rarely drink alcohol, we are both clean and have both been checked and we are both committed to our relationship. However we will continue to use condoms during anal sex nevertheless. One question I have for you Chip is about oral sex. During oral sex sometimes I swallow Brandon's semen. I don't always do that but I have several times and wanted to know if that is safe? I know he's clean so I'm not really that worried.

    On a different topic, yesterday I was invited over for dinner at my mother's place and my younger brother who lives with her was also there. During dinner she asked my younger brother Sean about school and about the new girl he's currently dating and he answered her, then my mother turned to me and asked if I was seeing a new girl. I felt it was the right time to tell both my mother and my younger brother that me and Brandon were no longer just friends and roommates. Although I was nervous I told them the truth, that we became boyfriends in February and have been an official couple since that point. Both of them were genuinely shocked by my news because I always loved women and always had a girlfriend and so they were rather confused to how I ended up with Brandon as my boyfriend. They asked me a lot of questions about it and I answered everything as best as I could. I was relieved that both of them ended up taking it well and my mother was very supportive which was a big help. I'm glad I told them and I'm happy to have their support. When my mother asked me if I was gay, I told her that I didn't really know for sure what my orientation was. I told her that I preferred to identify as gay for the time being and she was okay with this. My younger brother asked me who was the “man” in the relationship which I found was a strange question but I told him both Brandon and I are masculine guys and so we both are the men in our relationship. Have any of you ever been asked this type of question?
     
  9. BMC77

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    I have no personal experience--I've never even had a first date, let alone a relationship :tears:--but I do know that question comes up. You aren't the first to hear it.

    I think a lot of times this question refers to what happens with sex, and comes from a hetero-normative view of sex=a penis in a vagina. Obviously in a relationship between two cisgender people of the same gender one of these body parts won't be available for use, and so many people struggle, thinking that one person must "become" the opposite sex in order to have sex.
     
  10. Jacob D

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    Hi BMC77. It was a strange question. I suppose you are right that it has to do with sex.
     
  11. Chip

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    Hi, Jacob.

    Such wonderful news that your mom and brother are supportive. I'm sure it's a surprise for them but it seems like they're taking it in stride, which is awesome.

    First, on the oral sex question: The risk is negligible, but not nonexistent. Most people who do oral sex don't use condoms, and the risk of transmission is, from everything we currently know, extremely low. If you want to lower it more, don't brush your teeth or floss for at least 2 hours before sex; that way any risk of disturbing the gums is minimized.

    On your brother's question about which of you is the "man" in the relationship, that's something that for whatever reason, straight people are absolutely fascinated with, and what they want to know (but won't usually directly ask) is who is taking it up the ass. I know a lot of people who've been asked this question (I haven't, personally). One of my friends turns it around and intentionally makes those who ask uncomfortable: "So are you asking if I take it up the ass?" This usually horrifies them, and shuts them up. :slight_smile:
     
  12. johndeere3020

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    I am happy for you Jacob! I wish that I had your courage at your age!

    Dean
     
  13. BMC77

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    I think a lot of young people now seemingly have courage many of us my generation didn't simply because the world is so much different and more accepting now of gay people.

    So instead of courage when I was in my 20s, I wish I'd lived in a world that was more accepting. I'd probably have accepted my sexual orientation long time ago. And--perhaps--I could have even had a boyfriend when I was young and more marketable than is the case now.

    Unfortunately, however, the world 20 years ago was what it was...
     
  14. Jacob D

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    Update: Today I told my father and my stepmother the truth about me and Brandon being boyfriends. My father wasn't thrilled with my news and didn't look very happy about it. He was mostly quiet towards me and spoke very little to me which is not the way he normally is around me. I'm disappointed in my dad because he and I have a good relationship and I thought he would be supportive especially since he was so supportive when my stepbrother came out. The only things he said to me was that I was going through a phase and that it would end once I found the right girl. I'm not sure why he was not his usual self or why he didn't support me. It was not what I expected and I left feeling like I shouldn't have bothered telling him about me and Brandon. My stepmother was supportive but my own father was not. I'm worried that my good relationship with my dad may never be the same again. All I wanted was for him to accept Brandon and I as a couple and for him to be supportive but I didn't get that from him. What I got instead was mostly silence mixed in with a few brief comments here and there from him telling me I'm going through a phase until I meet the right girl.
     
  15. Quantumreality

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    Hey Jacob,

    Congratulations on telling your father and step-mother about your relationship with Brandon!:thumbsup:

    It sounds like your father was just taken by complete surprise and was genuinely shocked. Give him some time to process what you told him. When he's had time to digest what you said and sees that your relationship with Brandon isn't "a phase", I bet that he'll make the adjustment and things will return to a new normal between you and him. Remember, though, that you are his own flesh and blood. It's great for people to be tolerant or even supportive of LGBTQ people who are friends and acquaintances, but it doesn't really 'hit home' until an immediate family member Comes Out. It seems that that is the case here - your stepbrother isn't blood family, so acceptance and support was probably relatively easy for your Dad. However, when it comes down to it and he has had the time to really process it, I think he'll see that it would be hypocritical of him to be anything less than accepting and supportive of your relationship with Brandon.

    My best wishes to both you and Brandon!:slight_smile:
     
  16. Jacob D

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    Thank you Quantum Reality. I think you might be right about my father. I'll give him time to let it process and when he has I'm sure things will go back to normal. He was probably too in shock at the time and I realize this now. I'm hoping with time my Dad will come to realize that me and Brandon are not a phase, that he will eventually see and accept that we are a couple. I also hope that he realizes that I'm not going to be finding the right girl either because I already found the right person for me and that is Brandon. I'm really happy with my relationship and I want my Dad to eventually support and accept my relationship with Brandon. I know he will he just needs time to let it sink in. :slight_smile: