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My mother steals from me

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by gravechild, Nov 23, 2020.

  1. gravechild

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    I wouldn't feel the need to make this thread if it hadn't happened repeatedly. The last time she found money she denied it, but after a few hours after being confronted, it mysteriously reappeared where it was before. Her argument is "finders keepers", but doesn't that only apply when you don't know who something belongs to? She's also exceptionally nosy when it comes to how much money I have in my account or on me at any given time.

    It was especially devastating, considering I saw her as the "good" parent growing up. She is quite religious, but constantly at odds with Christianity's teachings. No one is perfect, but she almost refuses to see how this is so wrong, let alone want to change. I've wondered if she feels entitled due to all the things she's done for me. Either way, I've decided if not cut all ties, some "distance" would definitely have to be in order. It won't be easy, which is why am asking for tips on this thread.

    Supposedly, she also "borrows" money from my brothers.
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @gravechild,

    I’m sorry to hear this. It’s really hard when our parents don’t meet our expectations, betray us or exploit us, particularly because they are the people who are meant to look after us and be there for us. I can completely understand why it would have been devastating and I think some distance would be a good thing.

    If you’re looking for tips, it would useful for people to know whether or not you currently live with your mum, and if so, whether you might be able to move out any time soon?

    My mum has never stolen from me, but I have some experiences of my mum wanting to know how much was in my account or how much I was getting paid. When I worked extra hours at my part-time job (going back about 10 years now, I was at university at the time), my mum would ask about how much extra I had earned and then tell me how much I had to give her in addition to what I was paying already, which was £400 a month, as well as paying for the internet bill. I eventually stopped working any extra because there was nothing in it for me.

    I hope it’s not weighing on you too much.

    Take care,
    LostInDaydreams
     
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  3. QuietPeace

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    My experience with hardcore takers is more with friends, room mates and lovers; in those cases it is best to give one chance and if they keep it up cut them entirely out of your life. With relatives that you care about it is more complicated. As LostInDaydreams noted the best response might differ depending on your circumstances. If you live with her it is more difficult, maybe being very careful not to leave money or any bank statements where they can be found (get a locking box?). If you do not live with her then the best way might to be to limit contact so that she cannot access things in your home, and if she asks too personal things (like how much money you have) vague answers are best ("enough to survive" or such).
     
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  4. gravechild

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    She spends time between my grandfather's house and where I live with my father. Says the only reason she even stays here is because of me (my father and I have never had a great relationship, and she's worried something bad might happen when she's gone). At the same time, she's actively made roadblocks for me growing up when I tried to become more independent. I've been pressured to apply for disability and told "You're never going to move out" (at the same time, she expects me to find someone, have children, and later take care of her in old age...)

    It will be difficult, since she insists on practically doing everything for me, even in adulthood! I feel so smothered and suspect her "concern" with money might be another way to deprive me of any sense of independence... One time, when I was at the navy recruitment office, she completely broke down on the phone and begged until I decided not to go any further with those plans. She also blows up my phone several times a day, even after I told her I'm not interested in most of what she's sharing or that I don't need to constantly be asked what I want to eat.