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My mother died today

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Jackie Ray, Dec 12, 2017.

  1. Jackie Ray

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    I know a lot of you know that my mother was dying and she died today at 1:48pm Eastern time. Honestly this feels like dream, Im not sad or anything. I know Im going to miss her but a big part of me is relieved that the waiting is finally over and that Im going home. Coming back here I forced myself back into the closet and now Im going back and coming back out.

    I struggled with the decision of coming out to my mother, but ultimately I decided against it and Im confident that I made the right choice. I believe that after a life dedicated to the church and her having a dim view of the LGBT lifestyle, finding out her son was gay would have hurt her. She wasnt a bad person and I loved her in spite of it, she never was anti-gay, she just wasnt pro-gay; but she was kind and loving.

    It feels strange she was the only blood relative I cared about and basically my family connection died with her. Im not sad or afraid, I just wanna go home. Its like I know Im going to be devastated when it hits me, but Im waiting for it to happen. It doesnt feel real to me.

    I already got her Christmas gifts, so Im not sure if I take them back to the store or bury them in the yard under the bench wear she sat?

    I dont know it just feels fake, I should feel sad right? I ashamed to say it but Im looking forward to going home and cuddling up on the couch with one of my friends and maybe playing footsies, I just miss being gay.
     
  2. Growing

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    Sorry to hear your news. I do understand your relationship with your mother brought some internal conflict for you but that you are ultimately at peace. RIP to your mother. I do not know how I will cope when my mother passes. I already get emotional when I contemplate it. Stay strong.
     
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  3. wickedwitch

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    Hi Jackie Ray:

    I'm very sorry for your loss. I think losing a parent is always a huge thing regardless of how the relationship with them happened to be.

    Whatever you're feeling at this time is perfectly normal - everyone responds to grief in their own way and pace. I felt an overwhelming sense of numbness for about six weeks after my dad died and then it gradually began to wear off.

    I hope you will be good to yourself in the coming days and do lots of nurturing things to take care of you.

    Hugs.
     
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  4. Jackie Ray

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    Thanks, I hyperventilated about an hour ago and nearly passed out. I guess maybe it was some of the sadness hitting me, but now I feel numb again. Im having a few beers now and I just got out of the shower so I feel a little better. Im not sure, maybe Im going to experience grief in waves; going from completely fine to inconsolable. Im a very up and down person anyway, some days I cry all day for no reason and others I feel 10 feet tall.
     
  5. Glitters

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    What you're feeling is normal. We all deal with grief in different ways. Your mother was important to you. Sometimes people never do truly feel the sadness of loss, and sometimes it comes and goes, but that doesn't mean it isn't there deep down. Surround yourself with your friends, and talk about it when you are ready, bu don't force yourself either. There's never a wrong way or right way to deal with grief.
     
    #5 Glitters, Dec 12, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2017
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  6. quebec

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    Jackie Ray.... My condolences to you on the passing of your mother. I still have my mother, but I also have chosen not to come out to her. At 89 years old why should I tell her that so much she thinks about her only remaining son (brothers passed away years ago) is not true. We get along well, even though she was never loving when I was young. She does try harder now. I am so glad that you got to be with her...although I know that it was hard for more than one reason. I hardly knew my father when he passed away. I am a child of divorce and did not see my father from age 8 until I was 35. By then he was a stranger who I never really got to know. He died suddenly and it was just over. I wish that I had the chance that you did, to know and love him and be with him at the end. Cherish your memories and the love your mother had for you. Being with her when it was so difficult for you is a sign of real love...you will not regret it. ...David
     
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  7. silverhalo

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    Hey I'm really sorry for your loss.
     
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  8. becKEY0011

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    I'm so so sorry for your loss, and I'm sure she's at a better place, and would have loved her son despite everything. If you need anybody to talk to, I'll be here. Not the best of talkers, but I'll try my best :slight_smile:
     
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  9. Jackie Ray

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    I think I may have figured out how my process works. One hour I feel normal and the next hour I feel terrible. I get attacks of hyperventilation, nausea, stomach pains or uncontrollable crying sometimes more than one at the same time. They come on without warning and after an hour or two disappear. Im starting to fear these episodes. I shamefully admit that I took pills and alcohol last night; I understand that its not a long term solution but hopefully they will tide me over until I get back home to my friends. Her service will be next Thursday or Friday we will find out with later today and then Im going straight home.

    Thanks for all of the support and advice.
     
  10. Elendil

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    Hi Jackie Ray,

    I'm really sorry for your loss. Even though she might not have been supportive had you come out to her, your mother sounded like she was a wonderful person and loved you. The important thing now is that her ordeal is over and she is no longer suffering.

    I can only imagine how you're feeling with her being gone; I don't know what I'd do when my parents pass on. I am concerned about your mentioning the pills and alcohol. I understand that you need to do something to help cope with what you're feeling, but please don't continue to use those means. I had a close family member that turned to meds and alcohol to self-medicate after losing both her parents, and it quickly turned into a vicious cycle that we had to intervene in to get her the help she really needed.

    If you can, contact one of your friends or continue to talk to us here at EC. We'll be here to help in any way we can.
     
  11. Jackie Ray

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    Thank you for your concern, Ive had issues with drugs in the past, not abuse but maybe overzealous use. Anyway I only have 2 pills left, I dont plan on using anything after I get home next week, my friends should be more than enough.
     
  12. Elendil

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    Good to hear. I'm glad you have friends that you trust and can help you through. Wishing you all the best.:slight_smile:
     
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  13. Jackie Ray

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    Decorating the Christmas tree got me all sad, I saw the old ornaments me and my mom made. Ive been adjusting to these random spells of deep sadness, I'll be honest Ive been doing some light drinking to get by, but nothing serious. Without her here, this house feels truly empty; just my father and me and I hate him. It so bizarre I know that Im going to get through this but somehow it doesnt feel real yet.
     
  14. Jackie Ray

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    Im getting to the point where Im feeling okay about my mom. Im also getting so many other negative feelings, like guilt for not mourning long enough and for thinking about myself too much. My friends are all treating me like a baby instead of like an adult. One of my friends actually told me I wasnt ready for sex and that I didnt know what I want yet. I also got into a fight with my best friend about the way he is treating me like a child. In positive news Ive tapered off my alcohol use and only had one beer last night.

    I hate being pitied and its been a difficult transition back here at home. Im sexually frustrated and when I want to drink the most, Im actually trying to quit, I swear I have terrible luck.
     
    #14 Jackie Ray, Jan 1, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2018
  15. Mr Medusa

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    I'm so sorry for your loss. May she rest in peace, and may you find solace in the end.
     
  16. Jackie Ray

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    I think i should give an update, things have finally settled down, life is getting back to normal for me. Thanks for everyone's support. A nice young man I met last year has started texting me again out of the blue. Im looking forward to reconnecting with him, he was so interesting and sweet. The problem is he lives out of state and only comes here to visit family, so not much chance of a romantic relationship but a strong chance of a friendship. He is so hot so if I'm lucky, maybe a sexy hook-up (fingers crossed)
     
    #16 Jackie Ray, Jan 11, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2018