Trigger warning: Suicidal thoughts For the past several years, I've been questioning my gender identity. I first figured I was just a girl who liked the idea of cross dressing. I (please do NOT do this it is unsafe) binded with an ace bandage (just for a couple of minutes) to see what I'd look like as a boy. I was happier than I had been in a while. Then I thought that maybe I was genderfluid, because I felt more feminine or masculine from time to time, but figured not because I still thought of myself as a girl. As time went on, I dropped the gender thing for about 6 months. Then I experienced something that I know now was dysphoria, and back into the realms of questioning my gender I went. I thought for a while that I was perhaps a trans guy; things that hadn't bothered me before (like my breasts, hips, thighs, voice, and face) started to make me a bit antsy. But although I am completely uncomfortable with being a girl, "boy" doesn't feel exactly right either. Fast forward to several months ago, when I finally came to terms with being non-binary. Dysphoria gets so bad sometimes that I break down when I see myself in the mirror after a shower or when I have to wear a dress or skirt somewhere. I've been feeling suicidal lately because of the way I am and because of how awful I feel. My mom finally forced me to admit that I might be transgender last week (she doesn't believe in nonbinary genders and has said some AWFUL things about trans people in the past, so I didn't flat out admit that I'm not a girl, just that I was questioning) and I told her that this has been going on for years. She thinks that the media is influencing me and says that I'm probably just going through a phase or experiencing "rapid onset gender dysphoria"- especially because I don't want to fully transition to male (In the future I want low-dose hormones, a binder, and a packer, but probably no surgery). She keeps trying to make me wear flowery clothes and dresses, and is forever lecturing me on the amount of transgender people who transitioned and ended up hating it because it was really just a phase for them. I get it, yeah, of coursr this might just be a phase, but I'm not asking for testosterone and surgery right now. I'm just asking for more masculine clothes and a binder. For the time being, these things would make me more comfortable. But now she's not letting me wear men's dress shoes for my school's upcoming dance because I'm not a guy. She won't let me get a binder either (even with my own money!) and won't tell me why...
It sounds like she is in the denial and anger phase of the acceptance process. Just like it took us some time to adjust to realizing who we are, it can take family members some time to figure it out as well. Hopefully, as time passes, she will come around with time. I would see if she would be open to you seeing a therapist, because that may be helpful to you in the meantime.
What’s wrong with men’s clothes? I understand fearing medical intervention, but clothes? There are plenty of women who wear men’s fashion, suits, oxford shoes, and so forth. There is absolutely nothing to be afraid of unless you take hormones or have surgery.
