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My mom was being insensitive :(

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Ruby Dragon, Jun 14, 2017.

  1. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    When I first came out, it was as lesbian. After some time, I realized that I'm still - and mostly - attracted to men. I came out a second time, as bisexual, and that label seems to fit me best. The topic of gay people (male as well as female) comes up quite often, and this past Sunday was no exception. My cousin and her husband came over for dinner and after dinner, we still sat around the table. At the time of the "gayversation" is was just me, my mom and my cousin. My mom brought up my sexuality, and basically dismissed it as a phase or something I tried out. I was too hurt to say anything.

    I didn't make eye contact with either of them and just sat there in silence. I know this was a perfect time to come out to my cousin, but I have her on Facebook so she can see my "interested in" at any time she wishes. I also posted stuff about bisexuality sometime ago, so I'm sure she saw that too. I know it was a bit in-your-face but that's just my way of self-expression. I wish I could tell my mom that I want to be taken seriously. I think she was being very insensitive and downright dismissive and rude with what she'd said.

    I remember my mom telling me that she doesn't believe me and that she wants me to prove it to her. How the fuck do you prove your sexuality when you are sure? Would she believe me when I get a girlfriend again? Or would she think I'm just really good friends with the girl? I just wish I could stand up for myself, but my voice seems so small sometimes that I don't think anyone can hear me :frowning2:
     
  2. silverhalo

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    Hey I get your frustrations. I can understand you wanting to say something but not being able to. Have you thought about writing a letter to your mum explaining your frustrations? I like you am not good at sticking up for myself in situations like that but don't be too hard on yourself, it's not always as easy as it seems.
     
  3. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Silverhalo. Yeah, every time something big happens or needs to be said, I write them a letter because somehow I find it easier to write out what I want to say. More probably because I can edit it before giving it to them. The only downside is, it's on paper. Meaning, unless they burn it or tear it into a gazillion pieces, it's permanent. But I think it would be the best way to get my message across without the possibility of bursting into tears or saying stuff in the wrong tone of voice. The last thing I want is for her to think I'm attacking her. I just wish I wasn't such a baby. I'm fighting back the tears as I'm typing this
     
  4. silverhalo

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    Aww I'm sorry. Tears can be a good thing though. Sometimes it's good to let it out.
    Have you looked on the PFLAG website, I think they have some information on their website that you can give to parents and family members which might help them understand. Maybe if it it written by someone else but saying the same thing you are it would help them accept it.
    Don't worry I find it easier to write things down as well you are not alone.
     
  5. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    I typed out a long letter (A whole page full) to my mom (but actually it can be to both my parents). I explained how bisexuality is a real orientation and that that is what I am. I further asked her to please be more sensitive the next time the topic arises (And it always does) and I told her how hurt I was when she dismissed my feelings by saying what she said. Now the biggest problem is giving her the letter (and running away, lol). *Sigh*...
     
  6. silverhalo

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    Perhaps you could just leave it on the side on your way out, somewhere you know she will find it and then you don't have to run quite so fast :slight_smile:.
     
  7. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, that's probably what I'll do. With my coming out letter(s), I folded them nicely and left it on her bedside table. I know she has to go to bed sometime or another, so I can just go and leave it there for her to find. I'm so nervous about it, especially knowing their stance on all things LGBT (the usual Bible-bashing nonsense). I just wish there was a "make-everything-alright" button that I can push and they will be accepting and loving and and and... But alas, that's just a fantasy. I know they probably won't ever accept it. My other cousin is a lesbian and in a relationship with a great woman, and my mom accepted them as people, but doesn't condone their relationship, so we have a long ways to go. But I'm positive that they will come 'round eventually. Just have to keep the faith, cross my fingers and hope for the best. In the meantime, EC is helping a lot. It's a pleasant distraction
     
  8. silverhalo

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    Its tough but the fact they accept them as people is a start, its not perfect sure but I guess if you look for the positives it shows they are at least open to entertaining the idea. It can be difficult for people who have homophobic or non accepting mindsets to change them (not that im condoning it). I think you are going about it the right way and I am sure in the end you are right and they will come round but in the meantime EC is always here fo you.
     
  9. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Silverhalo :slight_smile:
    I just go with the idea that they will become more accepting if they see that nothing about me has changed, apart from who I'm attracted to. It's hard on any parent to hear that their child isn't as straight as they thought he/she was. They go through the grieving process (Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance - Yes, I know it by heart) and they finally come 'round. I think my mom jumped from bargaining ("Prove it") to denial ("She tried that with us") and I'm sure the next step will either be anger (A confrontation and preaching) or depression. But most likely rather anger. Either way, it's unavoidable if I wish to get my point across. I just hope it works. Fingers crossed!
     
  10. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    Update: When I got home today, I sneaked into her bedroom and left the letter on the bedside table.

    She went to get something from her room and came back with the letter in her hand. I was watching tv.

    She hasn't read the letter but had a good idea what it was about. She was very angry and she went to sit in our lounge. Soon after, she called me and said she wasn't going to fight with me and I should sit down.

    We got to talking about my social life and general involvement in the household and I burst into tears. I told her that socializing is tiring to me. I am not a social butterfly and I only have 2 true friends, whom I don't see often but we keep in touch via WhatsApp.

    She doesn't know about my social anxiety and I didn't care to talk about it then. Long story short, she said that if I was gay, she accepts it. She said whether I bring a girl or a guy home, she just wants me to live life to the max. Some other things were said that are unrelated to this post but the conversation went well. Better than I hoped it would.

    I went to do something else and on my way to the kitchen, we crossed paths and she asked me if she could give me a hug. We hugged and that was that. So yeah, I'm pretty chuffed and relieved. Don't know if she's gonna show the letter to my dad but at least her and I are good so yay
     
    #10 Ruby Dragon, Jun 14, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2017
  11. Mark1410

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    I'm happy to hear that you settled everything with your mom at last. Like Silverhalo said, maybe she was a bit afraid for the fact that you'd have been taking home a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend, many parents kinda wants to see their children growing up and being on families. But still, she's your mom anyway, and accepting what you are, is a huge step from her too, a sign that she loves and cares about you, no matter what you feel inside. This will help you getting your bond with her even stronger, i'm absolutely sure.
     
  12. silverhalo

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    Yay I'm so pleased for you.
     
  13. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    Before dinner tonight, my dad read the letter. He basically said the same as my mom and said that all they want is to see me happy, no matter the gender of the person I'm with.

    They kept speaking of "a person" instead of "he" so they are being sensitive to the fact that it could be a "she" which is great. My fairytale talk with my parents. It went better than I could've imagined. I am thrilled to say the least. Wow!

    ETA: He hugged me too and told me that he loves me
     
    #13 Ruby Dragon, Jun 14, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2017
  14. silverhalo

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    Yay for hugs. Enjoy your evening.
     
  15. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    I slept so well knowing that my parents are at least somewhat okay with my sexuality. All they really want is for me to be happy, like my dad said. They are awesome parents and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.

    My next hurdle is convincing them about me wanting to get a new tattoo. I already spoke to my artist and she is going to draw up a custom piece for me, and I don't want her to go to so much trouble and then having me not getting it done. But all in good time. I don't want to make waves again, because I know how they feel about tattoos (They hate it, but accepted the last one I got (semicolon). I think mostly because it's so small. The next one I have planned will cover the top of my forearm at least halfway to 3/4... I'm leaving the size up to my artist to determine because the tattoo has a lot of finer details, so can't be too small. But that's another story for another time, lol
     
  16. Assassin'sKat

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    When someone is rude about anything, you gotta tell em not to do that and how it made you feel.
    Edit:Sorry just realized this is a few days old
     
    #16 Assassin'sKat, Jun 20, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2017
  17. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    No need to apologize. Your input is still valued and appreciated. Yeah I told my mom how it made me feel and though she didn't apologize in so many words, I could tell she felt at least a little bad about it. Thanks for your input!
     
  18. Andrew99

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    Aww I'm sorry ruby! :frowning2:

    I have seen quite a few people who are misunderstood by their parents because of their sexuality. I want you to start standing up for yourself even if they don't believe you I want you to start calling your parents out for it. Especially your mom. She has no right in saying that you're just going through a phase. You're bisexual and that's how it is.