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My lovely mother

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by SixFlags, Jun 15, 2017.

  1. SixFlags

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    Hello! This isn't so much advice on how to come out but something that worries me about coming out.
    It's a little complicated so stick with me.

    I love my mother a lot, and we have a great relationship. I'm gay, and my brother recently came out as bi to my parents, mostly focused on other men. They accepted him and loved him, even though my mom is a little traditional and said that she didn't understand. Not homophobic. Just confused.

    Anyways, my mom has always gotten along best with my sister, and when my brother came out, she kept asking him if he still could marry a woman and stuff like that. I get the idea that she was a little disappointed about not getting a daughter-in-law from him.

    I'm gay, and there's no chance that I'll marry a woman.
    1. How can I tell her, knowing how sad it will make her that she'll never get another daughter?
    2. Am I being crazy?
    3. Is this not my problem?
    4. Am I too concerned about her feelings and not mine?
    5. She keeps telling me that certain girls are cute and asking about girls I like? I feel like crap every time because I'm letting her down. She always seem excited when she sees a cute girl "for me" and down when I don't give her the response she wants.

    Help please!!!
     
  2. Quantumreality

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    Hey SixFlags,

    You're not being crazy. You are expressing a concern that is common to many of us and makes us hesitate to Come Out to our parents. We often feel that we will be disappointing them and maybe even 'ruining' their hopes, dreams, and aspirations for our future.

    This, however, is not your problem. It may take your mom some time to get used to the idea that neither you nor probably your brother will marry a woman, but you have to live your own lives. Heck, even if you, your brother, and your sister were all straight, there would be no guarantee that any of you would ever marry and/or have kids. And it's not your responsibility to live up to your parent's 'ideal' future for you.

    There is really no getting around this, though. As you know. Your sexuality isn't going to change. The only real choice you have is if/when you decide to Come Out to your mom. And, of course, if you decide for some reason not to Come Out to her, you can expect to get her spiel about cute girls and pressure to find a 'good woman to marry' for years to come.

    I hope some of that helps address your concerns.:slight_smile:
     
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  3. Laughsalot

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    It is wonderful how much you obviously care about your mum. She is a lucky lady to have a son like you.

    I think that you are who you are, and that isn't going to change. Not telling her might be allowing her to build up fantasy's in her head that are never going to happen. Telling her would arm her with all the information that would allow her to build new hopes and dreams for your future, one's that could become reality. She might be disappointed when you tell her, but in the long run I think she is gonna adapt and be excited about new prospects for you.
     
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  4. MaximusMike

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    I think that, if you feel confident doing it, talking to your brother about it would be really good. He'll understand what you're going through, and he'll also know your mother as only a son can. I think - for both you and your brother - she'll realise that there's nothing she can do to change you, and if either of you meet really nice guys that she likes, she probably won't think much about the 'lost' daughter in-law. That's just my take, good luck to both you and your brother, I hope everything turns out well!
     
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  5. SixFlags

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    Thank you all so much!