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My life is completely worthless

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Spot, Jun 4, 2019.

  1. Spot

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    I’m 18 and a half years old. I live with my parents, I have no friends, I don’t have a girlfriend, I only work three hours per week (six hours maximum), I completed a community college course but do absolutely nothing with it, I can barely go out in public without having an anxiety attack, I have no direction in life at all, I’m transgender but no one knows it except one person I don’t even talk to anymore, I’ve done absolutely no surgical or hormonal transition at all. I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. It feels too hard to find the motivation to get out of bed because sleeping is the only thing that feels good anymore. I don’t even know what the point is in doing anything else, everything I do feels totally insignificant and worthless.

    I feel like there’s no other possible option for me except suicide. I mean, I feel so worn out and anxious and depressed now. I can’t even imagine living in the real world where I have my own house, my own bills, a full time job and whatever else. Everything else. I’m just not cut out for this and I know it sounds stupid but I didn’t ask to be born, I didn’t ask to be a part of this. I’m just never going to be able to have a proper life when I’m having a mental breakdown now and I hardly do anything. I wish I was dead already. No one would care anyways. None of my ex-friends have texted me for 4 months so at least I know no one would show up to my funeral to mourn.

    I can’t even go to therapy or to my three-hour-a-week job. I know that work called me twice today and I didn’t hear because my phone was on silent but I didn’t bother calling back since I hate my job as well as my entire life. I hate being a cashier, it makes me feel even more worthless if that’s even possible. Let’s just say that if a machine can take my job, I mustn’t be worth much. I do go to the shifts that I’m rostered on for and you’d think it was the most traumatic experience in the world by the way I have a fucking anxiety attack every day before work. I just hate myself. I’m a totally non-functional human being and I honestly don’t think anyone has ever been more useless. I can’t go to therapy, I’ve got too much anxiety to even make eye contact with the psychologist while speaking so I just called today and said I had a stomach infection so I couldn’t attend the appointment. And if I can’t even get therapy, my only shot at ever possibly living a near normal life then why am I even still here? Because there’s no other way to get out of this situation except therapy or death and I’m not attending my therapy.

    I don’t even know what I’m doing. I’m too stupid to get a proper career like a doctor or teacher, I don’t know. I’m not even just saying that I’m dumb for pity either. There’s nothing that I’m passionate about or any career that I want to pursue. The only thing that I wanted to do when I was younger was be a musician but there’s no way…I’m not good enough, I don’t have enough to offer. I’ve been trying to look for jobs and at courses online but there’s just nothing I want to do and it makes me feel worse.

    I just wish my life had any kind of meaning or purpose or direction and I wish someone could tell me they understood, that my situation isn’t as bad as I think it is but…I just feel like the biggest failure in the world.

    Honestly, people tell me that I can’t commit suicide and I have to keep fighting but why? Why do I even matter that much? What do I have to offer?
     
  2. Destin

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    Sorry that you're feeling this bad, but it won't stay like that forever. Most of this sounds like the depression talking, and there's people here better at responding to that than me so I'll leave that to them, but I can definitely tell you that you're fully capable of having a good career and aren't too stupid at all for that.

    Even though cashiering might not seem like the greatest job, it actually does give you a pretty solid foundation for other better jobs since it's cash-handling experience. I believe it's something like 6 months of being a cashier to qualify for higher paid jobs as a bank teller ($25,000). Then after about a year or two of that you're eligible for promotion to a personal banker position ($35,000 plus commission). After a couple years of that you can get promoted to assistant manager of a bank ($50,000 plus commission) and then manager of the bank ($75,000 plus commission) and into corporate/headquarters type jobs from there.

    That's just one of the many possible career paths starting from cashier, so you're definitely able to get a good career, it just takes time. Suicide definitely isn't the answer to these issues.
     
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  3. Chaosbi

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    It sounds like a lot of this is coming from depression. I spent a lot of my teenage years and some of my 20's in a bad depressive state with a lot of suicidal ideologues, even attempt a few times. I came from a family who didn't believe in psychiatry and were strong believers that if I went to church more or had stronger faith it would get better, which it didn't because the Catholic church is very anti-gay people which in turn made it worse imo. Looking back, I think my biggest mistake was going through it alone and not seeking help until I had a full blown manic episode which led to a bipolar diagnosis. Now, I'm not say that you have bipolar because you're feeling depressed, but I'm just saying depression could be hard to manage. It took a lot of trial and error with meds to finally straighten out my moods and I feel much better, probably the best I've felt in my life. My regret is that if all it took was seeing a doctor and getting meds I should have done it sooner.

    I was very hesitant about therapy. I fought my wife like crazy and didn't see a therapist until she gave me the whole "you go or I'm leaving" thing. I hated it! I fought the therapy and never did the homework, I was there physically but not mentally. I finally gave up and stopped going. After another major manic episode earlier this year the wife did the same thing and I started therapy once more about two weeks ago. I don't like having anyone judging me, I HATE eye contact, and I cry for EVERYTHING (happy=cry, sad=cry, angry=cry, etc). I told my therapist these concerns and she told me it's ok and that she's not there to judge because she's not perfect either and is in no place to judge me. She doesn't look down on me and that her whole job is to guide my self reflection and help me understand certain things. She also said it is perfectly fine if I never make eye contact with her if I didn't want to and she would never push me to do so. She also said that I should cry because it's one of my coping skills and being in her office is a safe place to do so. This time, for some reason (I guess the therapist maybe), I'm taking it more serious and even with just 2 sessions under my belt it's really helped.

    You sound like you're very lonely and need someone to talk to, especially with you not being able to transition like you probably want to, and a therapist is a good start. You can talk about whatever you want and it's a safe environment to do just that. There are therapists that work specifically with transgender people so they will understand your struggles because they have seen it many times before.

    Another thing that helps when I'm depressed is to get out of bed at a set time every day regardless if you have to be or not. Also, get some fresh air and/or exercise. Exercise is great for depression! It works wonders. The number one thing that my shrink has told me is routine, routine, routine. You don't know how much better you feel if you wake up at the same time, go for a walk at the same time, do a hobby at the same time, go to work at the same time, etc.

    Anyways, if you need to talk hit me up cuz I feel like this has gotten long enough. I just wanted to share some of the things I learned in my life in regards to my battle with depression. Like people say, it does and will get better with age. Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. So don't make such a big decision lightly. Best of luck to you
     
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  4. ReginaNox

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    Your situation isnt that unusual. I still live with my mother and im 28. As for your job and social anxiety, it seems like one feeds the other to me. Why dont you try to do something different? I plan on taking a course in software and app developement. I can do that work from home without the need to be overly social, since i cannot stand people.

    One piece of advice i can give is to break things down. Try making a list of all your current problems. Arrange them into an order, and tackle them one by one. For example, if you lack experience, but want a better job, then look on sites like indeed, and try to find something that offers training.

    Try and turn weaknesses to strengths. You dont have a lot going on right now. That makes you a prime candidate for job corps. If you can drive, plenty of companies offer free cdl training. Youre only 18. You have plenty of time to find an interest and work at it.

    As for therapy, you shouldnt miss those appointments. Being trans and depressed you need them. That doesnt mean you have to go into an office. Many therapists can video conference.

    And never say youre too dumb to do anything. Every career has its high and low points, and supportive careers are just as necessary as so called real careers. Maybe you wont make it as a doctor. But phlebotomy? Thats just drawing blood and following directions. Maybe not a teacher, but if your passion is music you can offer lessons to children. The point is that you dont have to have a high pressure job, you can just be normal and still be successful, and it takes every person a different amount of time to deyermine what their path is. Im just now finding mine. My friend knew hers since she was 7. At 18 its normal not to have a path.
     
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