I’m 18 and a half years old. I live with my parents, I have no friends, I don’t have a girlfriend, I only work three hours per week (six hours maximum), I completed a community college course but do absolutely nothing with it, I can barely go out in public without having an anxiety attack, I have no direction in life at all, I’m transgender but no one knows it except one person I don’t even talk to anymore, I’ve done absolutely no surgical or hormonal transition at all. I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. It feels too hard to find the motivation to get out of bed because sleeping is the only thing that feels good anymore. I don’t even know what the point is in doing anything else, everything I do feels totally insignificant and worthless. I feel like there’s no other possible option for me except suicide. I mean, I feel so worn out and anxious and depressed now. I can’t even imagine living in the real world where I have my own house, my own bills, a full time job and whatever else. Everything else. I’m just not cut out for this and I know it sounds stupid but I didn’t ask to be born, I didn’t ask to be a part of this. I’m just never going to be able to have a proper life when I’m having a mental breakdown now and I hardly do anything. I wish I was dead already. No one would care anyways. None of my ex-friends have texted me for 4 months so at least I know no one would show up to my funeral to mourn. I can’t even go to therapy or to my three-hour-a-week job. I know that work called me twice today and I didn’t hear because my phone was on silent but I didn’t bother calling back since I hate my job as well as my entire life. I hate being a cashier, it makes me feel even more worthless if that’s even possible. Let’s just say that if a machine can take my job, I mustn’t be worth much. I do go to the shifts that I’m rostered on for and you’d think it was the most traumatic experience in the world by the way I have a fucking anxiety attack every day before work. I just hate myself. I’m a totally non-functional human being and I honestly don’t think anyone has ever been more useless. I can’t go to therapy, I’ve got too much anxiety to even make eye contact with the psychologist while speaking so I just called today and said I had a stomach infection so I couldn’t attend the appointment. And if I can’t even get therapy, my only shot at ever possibly living a near normal life then why am I even still here? Because there’s no other way to get out of this situation except therapy or death and I’m not attending my therapy. I don’t even know what I’m doing. I’m too stupid to get a proper career like a doctor or teacher, I don’t know. I’m not even just saying that I’m dumb for pity either. There’s nothing that I’m passionate about or any career that I want to pursue. The only thing that I wanted to do when I was younger was be a musician but there’s no way…I’m not good enough, I don’t have enough to offer. I’ve been trying to look for jobs and at courses online but there’s just nothing I want to do and it makes me feel worse. I just wish my life had any kind of meaning or purpose or direction and I wish someone could tell me they understood, that my situation isn’t as bad as I think it is but…I just feel like the biggest failure in the world. Honestly, people tell me that I can’t commit suicide and I have to keep fighting but why? Why do I even matter that much? What do I have to offer?