I know this is long, but please take 5 minutes to read it.. i really need you guys.. Hi guys my name is Mary and i'm 27 years old. I'm a girl next door who lives in Greece. I grew up in a quite 'normal' middle class family and i always aimed to go after boys. I use to have minor crushes on girls but i would mostly translate it into strong feelings of friendliness and admiration towards them. When i was 20, and once forming sexual and romantic relationships with boys, it heavily striked me. I experienced a huge crush on a girl that changed my life and made me realize who i am. I had no problem at all accepting my sexuality. It took me a few weeks to realize it and then it was quite easy for me to come out to some friends as bisexual. I would never tell my parents though. That would probably give them a heart attack.. My friends had always been supportive so i started exploring my sexuality, flirting with girls and going on dates. That didn't last long because i met a guy and we fell in a love. This is basically where my story starts. I never had the chance to consumate a relationship with a girl, but i was actually happy with my boyfriend and i didn't really mind it. I knew my orientation and that was enough. Sometimes though it got me really bad. I was feeling like i was really craving to experience a sexual and romantic relationship with a girl but i didn't want to cheat on him. I had been honest with my boyfriend all along. He knew i was bisexual and i would express it when i was feeling upset and thinking of my attraction to girls. He has always been supportive and never judged me about it. After loooong and frequent conversations he kind of gave me 'the green light' to sleep with a girl and fully realize who i am. So i did it.. i met a girl and she was so special, that i barely had seconds thoughts about it. I wanted her. It took me and my boyfriend some time to leave it behind and go on with our lives but we did it.. and i thought i was ok... i was lying to myself. When i was having sex with this girl it felt so right, like everything in the universe was how it's supposed to be. I wasn't really in love with her but the sexual attraction was very strong. I can only imagine how i'd feel with a girl i love and really care for. So now i'm feeling trapped. I never felt attraction to men since i was 20. But i thought it's because i only had eyes for my boyfriend. I took some time to think about it. When i see a good looking guy i admire him and i acknowledge that he's a handsome guy. But when i see a beautiful girl it's different.. i can't take my eyes off of her, my heart skips a beat and i feel the attraction throughout my whole body. Does that make me a lesbian? I've spent so many years thinking i'm bi that this option was never on the table. And if that's true what do i do with my boyfriend? I've been with him for 7 years, but our relationship is quite turbulent. It took us way too much time to move on to the next step. But we moved on together 2 months ago. It's been really hard for me to break up.. he has Multiple Sclerosis and he was going through a really hard phase trying to cope with health issues. I didn't want to be the 'villain' of this story, who dumped her boyfriend when he needed me. So i stayed and chose to suppress my feelings. I do still love him romantically, but i don't feel any sexual attraction towards him. But when i see a girl i like i kind of go crazy. It's like a world i haven't explored and i want to dive in. I want to have more sexual experiences with girls and finally try out a relationship. Sometimes i picture it in my head. Doing things together and holding each other's hands. There is no specific girl there for now, but i know i can see a girl standing next to me. Suppressing my feelings has led me to anxiety, panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. Sometimes i wish i will go to sleep and never wake up again, because that would make everything easier. I blame myself for not realizing those things earlier, i blame myself for not ending this relationship before it's too late, and i blame myself for agreeing to move on with him. I should of thought this earlier, now it feels like i have to blow everything up.. why did i end up to this? I don't know how many of you will read this story, but it already feels better getting these things out of my chest...
Hey @HedaGR Welcome to EC! You’ve come to the right place. I think you need to give yourself a break. You are not, nor will you be the villain if you want to make a change in your relationship with your boyfriend. It’s unfortunate he has MS but he needs a partner not a nurse which is what you’d effectively be if you stayed with him for no other reason that’s his ailment. You’re still young and I’m assuming so is he so you both have loads of time to find someone who’s a better fit for what you want and deserve. You seem like you’re into women quite a bit more than you are to men. That’s a pretty good indication you’d be happier pursuing that. You will not be blowing anything up. You are 100% allowed to break up with someone for any reason; from “I’m not feeling it anymore” to “I’m gay so this will never work” and anything in between. This is your prerogative no matter your sexuality. Maybe map out a few steps you could take to make positive changes to help you see that all sorts of things are possible. Hopefully, that’ll calm your anxiety somewhat. :] Take your time and keep posting and reading here. Lots of good advice and similar stories to help you work out how to proceed from here. You’ll get there. :}
Hi @HedaGR and welcome to EC. You’re not the first person to end up in this type of situation and you won’t be the last. I was in a long term heterosexual relationship, with a small child, when I realised that I was gay. My relationship never felt quite right and I wasn’t fulfilled, but it wasn’t bad enough that I felt the need to end it. We had been together for 4/5 years by the time I worked out why I wasn’t completely happy. It’s usual to feel a lot of guilt in this situation, but remember that you didn’t set out for this to happen. You are not a bad person. From your post, it seems that you are leaning toward leaving your boyfriend so that you can form a relationship with a woman. It’s understandable that this might feel a little daunting and it won’t be easy, but nothing is going to blow up. Take a deep breath. Nothing will change overnight. Take some time to research and plan what steps you need to take. Make those scary unknowns into something that’s known and break the process down in to smaller steps. One small step at a time is much easier to process than one big change. You could even write it all down, create a plan. Once I’d started the process, it took me about six months to move out and completely separate from my ex. Prior to that I spent just under three years wanting to leave, but too scared to do anything. Those three years were very hard, so staying isn’t an easy option either. Resentment built up in our relationship. My mental health deteriorated because living a pretence is miserable and draining. Once I started taking steps to leave, things started to feel better and the weight started to lift. It’s an incredibly hard position to be in, so take care and be kind to yourself.
Thank you both @LostInDaydreams @Really for your response. I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse knowing that other people were forced to go through a situation like this. It's easy for most people to feel like they are the victims of a hard situation. In my case i don't really know who the 'victim' is. He pushed me away and i failed to really support him when he needed it, so i guess we both did things that led to this situation. I've felt really happy with my boyfriend in the past, even though i think it was inevitable that my sexuality would finally manifest at some point. He even proposed to me and i said yes and i really believed i wanted to marry him and live together forever. I'm only glad that everything came up before we get married. When his health deteriorated he focused on mourning for his own life than showing me love and lockdown made this much worse. We both know it's over but none of us really says it. We haven't had sex in 8 months... penetration always made me feel uncomfortable. It didn't make me feel bad but i wasn't really enjoying it either. But he's focused on his health so he doesn't really care about his sex life for now and this suits me well, it makes it easier for me to ignore everything and postpone the breakup. I need to find the courage and end this relationship but it feels like i have to climb a mountain. I don't have a stable job i'm kind of doomed in my country.. so i'm financially dependant on him. I really don't wanna go back to my parents' house so i need to make a huge step and pursue a new life in another city or country, which is kind of what i always wanted to do.. it's too much to handle honestly and this worldwide health crisis makes it even harder for me to properly seek for a job.
Don’t think about trying to identify a victim or place blame. It is what it is and I’m sure neither of you intended for things to end this way. All you can do now is find a way to move forward. Could you stay at your parents temporarily? Your dream of finding a job and moving to another country (pandemic permitting) might feel more achievable when your head is clear from all the relationship stuff.
Could you stay at your parents temporarily? Your dream of finding a job and moving to another country (pandemic permitting) might feel more achievable when your head is clear from all the relationship stuff.[/QUOTE] I literally moved out 2 months ago.. they even urged me to think about it twice before i do. I really believed things would maybe work between me and my boyfriend. I don't even know what to say to them and i always thought i could avoid coming out to them. That would kill them. My sister lives in Germany and i have friends in UK i definitely have some place to go even though i'm dreaming of starting a new life overseas.. really far away.. in Canada.
There’s no shame in moving back home. People do it all the time for all sorts of reasons. I moved back home at 31 years old, with a daughter too. If this isn’t the right time to come out to them, just say the relationship didn’t work out. Moving in together puts a lot of pressure on a relationship and you discover new things about somebody when you live with them. Just say you realised that he’s not what you’re looking for, which is true. It sounds like you’ve got options. Start researching and planning what might be possible.
Honestly, i'm feeling insecure. I'm sure i'm attracted to girls, i've fell in love with girls before and i developed really strong feelings for them but it never led to a relationship. I've only gotten physical with one of them and it was the first time for both of us so it was like a messy-beginner's sexual contact. I know it's really selfish but i feel like i need to abandon a 7 year relationship (in which i feel 'safe') for something that is completely unknown to me. As much as i really want to explore it, i can't let go of my insecurities... I'm trying to think that relationships can work or not based on what kind of person your partner is, regardless the gender, but my surroundings keep feeding my insecurities by underlining the social dissaproval i might face along with other 'struggles' that come with it (for example i won't be able to marry my partner etc.)
It feels safe because it’s known, but that’s not the same thing as happy and fulfilled. It seems that your worries are more about coming out, than they are about leaving your relationship. Take things one step at a time. If you stay with your boyfriend and eventually marry, would you be happy? Separating is not selfish. It won’t be easy, but it would give you both the opportunity to find people that you are more compatible with. If you find that you’re really struggling with accepting your sexuality then you could consider therapy. Do you think that could be an option?
Yes i'm struggling with it.. my boyfriend proposed to me two years ago and i said yes.. at that time i believed i knew who i was and what i wanted. Now i don't want to marry him and he doesn't want to marry me as well, not because he doesn't love me but because he's aware of my concerns and he wouldn't want to create this kind of commitment while i'm so lost in this situation. I feel completely lost because basically i spent so many years of my life believing i'm bisexual and i was fine with it. Now everything's changed so i have to handle this kind of crisis. I don't think i have a problem accepting who i am i've always been fine with my sexuality but it is true that coming out does not sound 'convenient' easy and convenient while suppresing my urges feels easier. I have considered therapy but i don't think i can afford it even though there are some public services but i have to wait a really long time to make an appointment there. That's why i turned to a forum like this. I know it cannot substitute proper therapy in any way but it looked like a temporary solution.
Public run services do tend to have long waiting lists, which can be frustrating, but the sooner you’re on the list, the sooner you might get an appointment. Do you have any friends that you could talk to about what’s on your mind?
Yes, thankfully i have a couple of friends that are very supportive. The truth is that i avoid talking to people because they don't really take me seriously. Especially when i told them that i get panic attacks and been having suicidal thoughts. They are not really strong honestly it's just an instant urge crossing my mind but that's not the point. It seemed like they didn't believe me or they didn't care. What if i actually did it? Probably they would wonder why i didn't tell them but the truth is that sometimes we do cry for help and people fail to listen to our problems
It could be that your friends just don’t know what to say. When I was in an abusive relationship, I sent an email to all my friendship group to let them know what I was going through. One of them didn’t reply for about six weeks or so and she admitted that she just didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t that she didn’t care, she didn’t know how to respond. How you’re telling them might be making a difference too. If you talk about it like it’s not a big deal, then they’ll respond like it’s not a big deal. I’m not suggesting that’s what you’ve done though. If your mental health is suffering, I think it would be a good idea to get on the waiting list for therapy.
I'm kind of drama queen so i'm sure i would underline how big deal this is for me. But i guess you are right i should make this appointment as soon as possible. I'm just hoping i can make it before we go on lockdown again
I hope it goes well, and if lockdown does happen again, possibly they would be able to offer a virtual appointment.
Hello HedaGR! I’ve read this entire thread and I think, for the sake of your mental and emotional well-being, you probably need to end your dating relationship with your boyfriend. Breaking up doesn’t negate the good times and memories you’ve shared together. You can always look back on those memories with fondness. People change and sometimes the relationship doesn’t last. It doesn’t have to be anyone’s “fault.” It might be painful and difficult for the two of you at first, but breaking up may end up being one of the best decisions for both of you. The longer you stay together, the more difficult it may be to break things off because you’re familiar with each other and don’t want to cause the other any pain. However, you are hurting now...you would like to be with a woman and feel trapped in your current relationship. Be true to yourself and do what you think is best for you in the long-term. Best wishes to you!
